I know I just started posing here a few days ago, but you are all so helpful and fantastic, and I seriously need some advice. The abridged version:
I am overweight. I know this (230+ on a 5'2" frame, I'd be a moron if I didn't notice). I've been miserable about this for a LONG time, and I finally decided to do something about it. My roommate is tall (close to 6") and 350+. She has no desire whatsoever to lose any weight, even though both her parents have suffered really serious health issues related to long-term obesity.
When I started this whole diet-and-exercise thing last week, I asked her on day 1 if she wanted to do it with me. Having someone around to be a workout/diet buddy is incredibly helpful, and I was hoping that the fact that we're roommates would be an even bigger incentive to sit up and fly straight re: eating right and exercising. Accountability and such.
It didn't work- she refused point-blank and said that she's happy the way she is, and that if I fixed my self-esteem I wouldn't feel the need to lose any weight either. I explained that, self-esteem aside, I wanted to lose weight so I could be healthy. I come from a family with lots of heart problems, and I'm sick of taking chances. But, in the end, whatever. We don't normally cook together or anything, so the food isn't an issue, and her stash of "bad food" hasn't been a temptation to me. I'm not her momma, and she's a grown woman and will do what she wants. End of story.
So what am I supposed to do when she makes cracks about my efforts? For example: Me- "Man, I've got a killer headache." Roommate- "It's because you're on a diet." Or like yesterday, when I was incredibly cranky because she sat around and watched me clean for two hours. She blamed the crankiness on the diet. I know it sounds totally ridiculous, but it's driving me crazy. I'm not willing to be anything but honest with her, but I'm also not willing to purposefully compromise our friendship... and believe me, if I utter so much as a peep along the lines of "Dude, you should probably think about losing some weight too" our friendship will be over.
It would drive me crazy too.. and I know what you mean with the buddy thing. My boyfriend is thin (he's gained weight since I moved in, but hes still a healthy weight), but hes recently started watching what he eats (to keep said healthy weight... getting bigger as he gets older runs in his family) so we started getting kind of healthier food, and he's always been supportive of my weight loss efforts.
My only advice is to try to talk to her. Explain your not asking her to change... like you said, her body is her own choice. All you want is for her to stop saying the hurtful things to you, just because you are trying to help yourself.
And for the record, an attempt to improve /take care of yourself (ie losing weight, eating healthy, or even doing your hair and makeup) is a sign of high self esteem. Or at least, that's what my therapist told me the last time I started losing weight...
Sounds to me she's a tad jealous. Just my opinion of course. Maybe deep down she realizes it but doesn't feel as though she's capable or possibly she's not even ready to commit yet.
When she makes cracks, ignore them. Eventually she'll stop.
Too bad she isn't jumping on board with you. That'd be quite the advantage to you both.
You could always tell her if she doesn't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.
Yeah, I was suggesting jealousy aswell. I definitely agree w/ everything you said Amber. Hopefully she'll change her mind, or just keep inviting her--when she makes a crack, let it roll off your back... She probably intimidated
more often than not it can be her trying to sabotage you. perhaps she feels that if you lose weight and increase your self esteem you won't want to hang out with her anymore. its alot more common than i initially thought. close family or friends unconsiously trying to sabotage you for fear that you will leave them.
it could also be jealousy. whichever it is - you can not let it affect your lifestyle changes
keep up with your diet and exercise. tell her that this is not going to change your relationship and reassure her that you are doing this for yourself and your health. perhaps a few "gee i feel great today" or "do you realise how yummy fresh vegies are?" and you might make her see that you are enjoying this journey.
see .. everything everyone said was great .... and I agree with all that they say ..but you aren't exactly being honest with her when you say "I'm not willing to be anything but honest with her" cause unless i missed something or maybe ya just didnt post your responses to her jabs.. you aren't being honest... the cleanin thing .. i would of had to say no i am not cranky cause i am dieting .. i am cranky cause i am tired cause i am cleanin this room by myself and you haven't offered to help me. As far as the headaches .. could be a caffiene withdrawl .. but i am a lil bit on the sarcastic side and if someone had said that to me i would prolly say well .. i could have a headache cause of a brain tumor .. either way don't matter.. pass me the advil! maybe not helpful suggestions.. but maybe if ya tossed a few things back at her .. not sayin she should lose weight or whatever but just counter acting what she is saying to you about your efforts .. she might back off
I would bet that your friend is alot more bothered by her weight than you know. I have a hard time believing that anyone is truly happy with being 350+ pounds. Being overweight is not just something that makes us have low self esteem-carrying around lots of extra weight is physically exhausting, causes strain and aches and pains-it's just as physically uncomfortable as it is emotional. And no matter how we try to justify it to ourselves, we all know in the back of our minds that we are SERIOUSLY compromising our health.
I really like the point that Fae Reverie made, too. Your friend told you that the problem is that you need to fix your self esteem so that you wouldn't feel the need to lose weight. The opposite is true-the person with low self esteem doesn't value themselves enough to think that improvement in their health and appearance is worth the effort. The fact that she feels the need to take these jabs at your efforts is even more proof of that-if she's so secure why would she even think like that?
If she feels bad about herself already, then any way you try to make yourself "better" is intimidating. If it's this apparent now, how much more of a wedge will be driven between you after you lose alot of weight?
If you don't want to put further strain on your friendship, I would try not to make any negative comments when this happens. I think that this kind of thing comes more from peoples' issues with themselves than them just trying to be mean-like if I appear not to care about or want this then I don't have to be embarrassed if I don't try, or try and fail.
I would bet that your friend is alot more bothered by her weight than you know. I have a hard time believing that anyone is truly happy with being 350+ pounds. Being overweight is not just something that makes us have low self esteem-carrying around lots of extra weight is physically exhausting, causes strain and aches and pains-it's just as physically uncomfortable as it is emotional. And no matter how we try to justify it to ourselves, we all know in the back of our minds that we are SERIOUSLY compromising our health.
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more often than not it can be her trying to sabotage you. perhaps she feels that if you lose weight and increase your self esteem you won't want to hang out with her anymore. its alot more common than i initially thought. close family or friends unconsiously trying to sabotage you for fear that you will leave them.
I was thinking of jealousy too--and also, taking care of oneself IS a sign of good enough self-esteem. When we're down, this is usually not something we do, right? Or at least not many of us would really do something for their health, hair, make-up, whatever, if they don't feel worth it.
Sure, there's also part of this that may be done to try and hide the flaws (I think a dieting blogger once wrote something like this--that when we're fat, if we go out, we're judged more severely than a thin person, because people immediately add up "fat" and "not taking care of oneself" in one big lump of laziness, or something). However, I don't think that the whole being-healthier part has anything to do with that. After all, it means taking time for ourselves, to exercise and fix good meals... How is this a sign of low self-esteem? Low self-esteem more than often means not taking this time for ourselves (and probably giving it for something or someone else.
In any case... When she takes jabs at you this way, perhaps the simplest thing to do would be to retort with something non-weight related? Such as "has it occured to you that I may be cranky because you've watched me clean for 2 hours and haven't left a finger to help?", etc. She's bringing everything back to the diet, and since you mention she'd be angry if you were to actually suggest HER to lose weight, I feel like it's some kind of dangerous game to enter in--some kind of provocation, even? Is she testing you to see if you'll bring back that delicate matter regarding her own case?...
She strikes me as an insecure person in that regard. You losing the weight would mean she'd be the only one left fat in your 'pairing', that she would be alone in that, without maybe the possibility to comfort herself with thoughts of "she, too, is fat: I'm not the only one". Or perhaps she's simply not ready to lose her weight, and is frightened that you'd try to push her toward this direction? (I'm taking a wild guess here, but I'm pretty sure that lots of us here, especially when we start working out and eating better, do tend to share our passion and efforts a little too much with others. I know I tended to do that as well. Talking about it helps staying focused, after all.)
ditto what everyone else has said yall said it all.
If she starts getting you down, remember that only you know what's best for you, and no matter what she says, losing weight IS the best thing you can do for yourself. Don't call it a diet, that word has so many negative connotations that she might be reacting to. You're just changing your lifestyle. Try to keep a positive attitude around her... make her see that it's totally possible to be upbeat and happy while eating healthy. I have a kind of off-topic analogy: my best friend was in Scotland for a year, at which point I started dating a guy. I would only ever call her or email her when something bad happened between me and the bf, so after a year, she really really hated him without having spent time with him. Because I never told her about the good stuff -- i only ever called to complain and vent and get advice. So maybe what your roommie needs is to see you positive and happy and successful..... You know?
Make friends with the ladies around here, we'll try to keep you motivated when all else seems lost! There's a great bunch of people here who can more than make up for the support you're not getting from your roomie!
Thank you all so much for the support. I'd never really considered the jealousy angle (mostly because I can't quite imagine someone being jealous of me) but it makes excellent sense. After I posted that yesterday, we had another little run-in. She got home from work just as I was coming back from my night class. This was about 8:15 pm, I hadn't had dinner yet, I was feeling all excited because of the 2.5 mile walk. So she started making her dinner while I was hopping around the kitchen eating my standard half turkey sandwich, baby carrots, and apple dinner. I am NOT a cook. Anyway, she started in again. It started off pretty mildly. First she said something like "aren't you tired of eating cold food? Are you ever planning on eating something cooked again?" and I told her no, the only non-cold food I was eating before the diet was fast food, and that's no longer happening. She said that if it meant she'd have to eat like I was, she would never even consider dieting. So I tried to turn it around and make it positive- explaining how much better I feel, physically and mentally, when I eat things that are good for me (or that, at the very least, aren't actually bad for me). Plus, when I get a little exercise in (like yesterday's 2.5 mile walk) it gives me extra energy and I don't get exhausted at 9pm like usual. That made her even more negative.
I can't continue like this. I at least need her to ignore me if she's not going to actively support me. We're having other issues right now (she's dating a guy who I cannot stand, he's over here all the time, it's killing me) and I'm scared to death that our friendship is going to be ruined because of issues as ridiculous as boyfriends and weight loss.
Also, I weighed myself this morning and I'm up a pound for no reason. This is not cool. I'll post more later from work, I'm sure. Thanks again for your wonderful support, everyone. I honestly don't know if I could do this without ya'll.
I really would sit her down and talk to her. Next time she says something negative, just let her know that this is really important to you, and that you're not asking her to be your cheerleader or anything, but that her comments are really hurtful. I wouldn't say anything about her weight, 'cause that obviously just makes her more defensive, but just let her know that you value her friendship, but it won't continue very long if she doesn't learn to stop making these comments.
Good luck!
What kind of response would you get out of her, if you came back at her with something as simple as, "That really hurts my feelings."?
Maybe she is jealous and is one of those people who speaks before they think. Maybe she doesn't mean to say those things outloud and doesn't really realize that what she's saying might be hurtful? I don't know her, so I can't say, but what do you think?
Also, I don't know if you've ever heard of Sarah Bunting, but she has an awesome advice column on her website Tomato Nation called "The Vine". She really tells it like it is and makes you realize that all the bullcrap isn't nessesary. She also often states that most friendships have an expiration date and that sometimes we don't see that. We want the friendship to go on and on, because that's how it's always been. I know that I'm the same way. I try to make all kinds of relationships work, that realistically, just don't work anymore.
Anyway, I know this might be off the wall, but if I were you, I'd read through some of the Vines and see if you like how she thinks. If you do, write to her. It can't hurt, right? Sometimes it's nice to have an unbiased opinion.
Last edited by Tisha___; 10-05-2006 at 11:06 AM.
Reason: Edited to add the stuff about Sars.
it looks like you are doing a lot of work to salvage a friendship, that she is not working to even keep. ive had lots of crappy friends over the years, and ive BEEN a crappy friend too. eventually, those people fall by the wayside. and unfortunately, you may have to close this chapter in your life. if she cant at least be supportive, especially because you offered to work with her, and she wasnt interested - no ones forcing her into turkey sandwiches), then what does that say for your friendship overall. she obviously isnt taking your needs and concerns into consideration. why would you want to continue that relationship?
all you can do is the best for yourself every day. if she cant support that, then she isnt really your friend anyway.
I have a vegan friend who is very judgemental (note: I have nothing against vegans, she was just pushy about her beliefs). She would actually make little screams every time you put a piece of meat in your mouth. I finally told her that i'm a grown up and it's my choice to eat meat and she needs to get over it. you could also point out the fact that you don't make fun of the way she eats.
Problems With A Friend
yall said it all. 
