I know I'm new, and don't know anyone here yet, but I just need to post this I guess.
I have been dating my boyfriend for the past 6 and half years. He's always been so great. He met me when I was at my smallest (size 14). He has always made me feel beautiful, and sexy, and I've never really had a problem with being naked in front of him. If I try to cover myself up, he'd uncover me, and kiss what ever body part I was trying to cover.... I have had NO problem with sex, or walking around naked or anything.
Growing up I had to deal with name calling about my weight from my sisters. They were HORRIBLE to me. They were both short and skinny and never really had to deal with their weight like I have. Thankfully my sisters grew up and I haven't had to deal with name calling about my weight for quite a few years now.
Until yesterday. My boyfriend and I got into a horrible fight about something else. He made comments about my weight, and how fat I've gotten etc. It just hurt me so so much. He's apologized about the fight in general and hasn't said anything about those comments he made. I'm just so hurt from it, but I haven't allowed myself to cry. A defensive thing I guess... I never cried in front of my sisters when they called me names, and I don't want him to see me cry either I guess.
I just cant believe what he said. And I'm just so sad And I have a horrible problem with emotional eating....needless to say, I have ate too much in the past 2 days
I don't know how I'm ever going to feel ok with him again. And I don't know how I'll ever be able to get naked in front of him, without those comments lingering in the back of my mind.
~Liz
Last edited by Lizzyg; 06-05-2005 at 05:40 PM.
Reason: added something......
I would say why don't you just ask him about it, the comments I mean. I hope someone else on here has some advice for ya, I'm not too up on relationships, I've never been in a real one. The only guy I was ever with only wanted to be with me for sex (which I found out towards the end of our dating), which sucked for him because I told him before we even started dating that I was a virgin and intended on remaining one til I got married. It sucks for me as well because I keep thinking about the one guy I've been madly in love with over the past 6 years, I have this massive crush on him, but I have no idea if he even knows He likes me just as I am, we've been close friends now for about 3 years, but he lives on the other side of the state from me, in my hometown. His mother and my mother were best buds before his mother passed away back in 2001. I get to see him again in September, which I am dying for that to get here now, but anyway, as far as your situation, I wouldn't know how to handle it - I've always been told to suck it up and be stronger than everyone around me because I weighed so much. So now when somebody does something or says something mean to me, I hold it in and it just ends up tearing me down, but unlike your case, it makes me restrict my eating. That was the reason I ended up in treatment for my eating disorder last summer. I got to where I couldn't eat anything at all because I starved myself for a good while. Funny thing is, the guy that I have the crush on was the same way back when he was in high school, and I didn't even find that out til I was almost done with treatment. I'll be praying for you and your situation. I hate when guys are so shallow, but I'm hoping yours is not
Lizzy -
Sometimes men just lash out at the obvious when they have nothing intelligent to add to a conversation, heated or not. If he's allready said that he didn't mean it, then I'd really just try to forget about it and concentrate on getting healthier for yourself. My ex-husband and I met when I was 160lbs and he never minded me getting fat at all, even when I weighed 324! Towards the end of our marriage he would try to use my weight during an argument just to try to get to me. He was very insecure whenever I dieted that I would get thin and beautiful and get more attention from other men, realize that he was an a$$ and leave him! If you haven't gotten the answers that you need from him, talk to him about it. Make him understand that he hurt you and set you back in your efforts to lose the weight.
usually when you get in a fight with someone, they will attack your weakest spots...whatever they think will hurt you the most, whether or not your weight really is an issue with him or not. It does sound like he said it out of anger, just to hurt you. IF he really has an issue with your weight, during a fight is definitely not the right time to bring it up, it is a very sensitive subject. You should sit him down and ask him if it really bothers him, and if it does, maybe you want to move on without him, or maybe you want to do something about it and try to lose a little bit of weight. But don't do it for him, do it for you. We are always here to motivate and support one another on this forum, and if he truly wants you to lose weight he will support you also, because he loves you, not call you fat and put you down. I would tell him how you feel if I were you...tell him how much that really hurt you, and that was a line he shouldn't have crossed.
If it were my fiance I'd tell him how hurt I was about the whole thing and ask him to specifically apologize for what he said...I think you just have to be totally honest with him that's the only way my fiance and I solve problems, being really honest and talking about it for hours until we both feel better about whatever situation we're in.
I saw those pics of you and let me tell you, honestly, you are a beautiful women - at any size. Tell him how much it hurt you and how insecure his off-the-cuff remarks have made you - maybe permanantly. I don't think that men have any idea what kind of pain a comment about a womens' body can inflict upon us - it really is one of the most sensitive subjects. If he doesn't apologize profusely and whole-heartedly, he doesn't deserve you. He needs to know how that made (makes) you feel before he can truly feel remorseful for it, so make sure that he understands how you feel about it (you can tell him exactly what you said here for starters!).
My dh does a similar thing when we fight. He will make a specific comment about something that really hurts my feelings during the fight. Then when the fight is over I get a general "I'm sorry we fought" apology. Often I'm left thinking "I'm sorry we fought too. But what about ______ are you sorry for saying that because that is still really hurting my feelings?"
Usually I just let it go, but if it is something that is really bothering me (Like this is for you) I ask him about it. Most of the time he doesn't even realize, and thinks he has already apoligized for what he said (refer to general cover all apology). If I explain that this time he said something particularly hurtful we talk it out and he always apoligizes specifically. And does a pretty good job of not bringing it up during a fight again...
I agree with the others, the things I find the most hurtful aren't usually his issues with me, but my issues that he hits on during a fight. I think because its not really a issue to him, he forgets about saying it after the fight is over b/c he is not dwelling on/bothered by the issue. Even though it sticks with me.
Isn't it the worst thing ever when we realize that our boyfriends (girlfriends, fiances, husbands, wives, etc) are actually aware that we are overweight or have gained weight or whatever? i remember years ago talking to my boyfriend at the time and saying "i've gained weight, my clothes don't fit" and he said "well, you have gained some, but not that much." it was like, what? he actually notices that I'm overweight? this isn't like Shallow Hal where he sees me a beautiful thin woman all of the time? it's weird.
like, with my boyfriend, yes i am aware that he is chubby in the midsection... not really anywhere else, but yes he is a bit chubby. was he thinner when we met 2 years ago? yes. do i care? no. do i wish he looked like brad pitt? actually, no. i'm happy with him the way he is. so... this is truth. so why is it so hard to believe that our men feel this way about us as well? yes, they know that our bodies aren't perfect, but that doesn't mean they want Angelina Jolie instead, they are happy with us the way that we are.
That said, I didn't address the topic of this post AT ALL. sorry about that! but it just made me think.
there is a lot of great advice here... i agree that you should let him know that he hit a very sensitive subject and it hurt you a great deal. ask him why he said these things to you. tell him that he used to make you feel beautiful and now he makes you feel uncomfortable.
well as a guy i feel its my duty to step in and give an oppinion from the other side of the gender divide. Men don't attack the weakest point in character anymore than women do. both genders are as bad as each other. as a guy i been in arguments and yes i say things that will deliberately hurt others in order to bring something to its end asap. deal the fatal blow like. i would advise that you don't bring it up with him again. if he's apologised for the argument then thats it. its in the past finished. if you bring it up again your likely to cause another argument. you'll make him feel that your making him apologise for everything. speaking as a guy when i apologise for an argument thats the end of it time to move on.
Thank you all for your posts! Its amazing that even as soon as I wrote that out, I just felt better. I just had to get it out, and didn't have anyone else I wanted to talk to about it.
We're just now starting to talk to each other normally, so I'll see how it goes and see if I want to bring it up, or if I should just let it go.
I guess when I fight, I don't do that. I try not to make hurtful comments that I know I'll regret later. I still do it sometimes, but not very often.
Anyway, again thank you again, I really appreciate it!
Oh and thank you jenicra, for the nice compliment!
We're just now starting to talk to each other normally, so I'll see how it goes and see if I want to bring it up, or if I should just let it go.
I guess when I fight, I don't do that. I try not to make hurtful comments that I know I'll regret later. I still do it sometimes, but not very often.
Lizzy
Honey, just let it go. I agree with slimmingsi. In your boyfriend's mind, his apology is a global one and the argument is O-V-E-R. He probably is not even thinking about how thoughtless his comment was. Bringing it up will certainly make him defensive. Sometimes people don't fight fair, but it sounds like he tried to make amends. I would look to his actions for a while instead of his words. If he treats you well, then that is more important than some knucklehead comment made in the heat of an argument. And his insensitive remark is not worth breaking up over. He was just being a big dope.
Wow Si, 23 and you already know that? You are going to make some woman really happy one day (if you are not already!) lol
Although I agree with Si with letting it go.. I know that I, personally, would be unable to do that. I am so stubborn I would drag that dead horse around with me for awhile.
I just want to cry....
He likes me just as I am, we've been close friends now for about 3 years, but he lives on the other side of the state from me, in my hometown. His mother and my mother were best buds before his mother passed away back in 2001. I get to see him again in September, which I am dying for that to get here now, but anyway, as far as your situation, I wouldn't know how to handle it - I've always been told to suck it up and be stronger than everyone around me because I weighed so much. So now when somebody does something or says something mean to me, I hold it in and it just ends up tearing me down, but unlike your case, it makes me restrict my eating. That was the reason I ended up in treatment for my eating disorder last summer. I got to where I couldn't eat anything at all because I starved myself for a good while. Funny thing is, the guy that I have the crush on was the same way back when he was in high school, and I didn't even find that out til I was almost done with treatment. I'll be praying for you and your situation. I hate when guys are so shallow, but I'm hoping yours is not
sorry about that! but it just made me think.
