Weight Issues and Intimacy
 

CONGRATULATIONS on passing your driving test!!! I know what a huge deal that is -- my daughter got her license last October.

Weight loss and intimacy is a VERY good subject to chat about. When my new husband and I began dating, I was afraid to let him see "all of me." It was a big problem for me until he told me that his ex-wife was substantially larger than I was. That helped me to "get over it", but I will be so happy when I can just feel good about myself without having to do a quick judge on whether I'm bigger or smaller whenever I see another woman. Self-esteem is such a HUGE issue!!!

i have been with my fiancee since i weighed about 160 lbs... i was afraid for him to see me then. Now even though im over 80 lbs larger I dont care... he loves me for me. He has never said anything to me about my weight gain but sometimes I wish I was smaller and im worried that he is embarassed of me.... I know that this isnt really the case but sometimes i just get these thoughts in my head... but its just my own insecurities talking.

I am a single girl and have been for the past 6 months. I had a 2 year relationship before this last 6 month dry spell. I weigh 190lbs, I just lost 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks and feel great about that, but on this topic of weight issues and intemcy, I have totally removed myself from that scene, I don't even try to mingle with the opposite sex because I don't want to be touched or seen naked. In the beging of the 2 year relationship I weiged 148lbs and was on a major fittness kick. I begain attracting alot of attention and got caught up in a relationship and proceeded to gain back all the weight I had lost previous to meeting my fella. When I started to gain weight again I was never comfortable being touched by him and I didn't EVER want to be naked. It wasn't anything from him that made me feel that way, it wa all me. Now here i am again on another weight loss journey, but learning from my past experiences what not to do. I feel like it will only be a matter of time before the offers start rolling in again, but I don't want to be with anyone until I can feel better about my body. Is that anel, or weird or what?

Journeygirl, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have a relationship until you feel better about yourself. You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else!

When I started dating my bf, it was my freshman year of college and I weighed about 145-150. I was not very comfortable with my body, and I had never had a sexual relationship with anyone before. More than my weight, my biggest concern was that I had acne on my chest! :o But he put my worries to rest and after that I felt much more comfortable with myself.

Since I've been with him, I gained and got to 180, then lost back to 150, then gained back to 185 before I started my current weight loss. When I was up at my highest, I did start feeling uncomfortable getting naked. I hated catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I felt like my fat got in the way of any intimate activities. Since I've lost, I can definitely see a difference. I am more comfortable being naked, and I can tell that my bf finds me more attractive at this weight (I know he loves me regardless, of course). I'm hoping that the close I get to goal, the more attractive he'll think I am! ;) And of course, the better I feel about myself, the better I feel about being naked.

I was always embarassed, and sometimes still I am, but it's something I'm working at. My fiance has told me I don't know how many times that it just isn't a big deal, especially in the heat of the moment ;) In the begining of our relationship I was about 170 and now I'm 80 lbs more. I gained that weight pretty fast, in about 2 1/2 years. I don't think I realized just how big I was until I had gained it all :dizzy: I put off fooling around for so long. It would be a couple months inbetween...the poor guy :o I realized I talk to myself very badly. I could never say things like that to anyone I know, but yet my internal dialog was horrid. No wonder I weigh this much and no wonder I have bouts of depression. Here lately I have been trying to see myself in a more positive light and things are on an upswing :)

I notice, for myself at least, that after I work out I feel good about my body, what I can acomplish with it. And definitely sexier. And as I lose weight (and inches) are more comfortable with it.

If someone had asked me before I started losing the weight if it was a problem I would have said no. My dh doesn't care and I am still comfortable with myself. But now I can see what a big difference between then and now in how I feel and act.

When my now DH and I started dating I was 175ish and then got up to 204 in a year. :yikes: he never said anything about my body, but I know he likes my body better this way- our intimacy level has skyrocketed since losing some weight. Part of it is surely my confidence level but not all of it because I was always comfortable with my body- at 175 I'd walk around the house naked- I love being naked. :lol: so the weight, even though it came on in a year, it still seemed slow, so nothing really changed for me. This time at 174 I'm more toned than what I was before and I love being naked even more! :lol:

great thread! :high:
and yes- congrats on passing your driver's test! :balloons:

While I was married I was always 200 + at any given point. I hated my husband seeing me naked and of course hated seeing myself. This definitely showed in the bedroom. I didn't want to be touched, had to have the lights off, etc. I feel bad now looking back because I know he was attracted to me no matter what.
Now I have lost over 70 lbs and it has made a HUGE difference in how I feel when it comes to it, but I am still very self conscious. This is something that just keeps getting better with time as I exercise and continue to lose weight. My BF has been making a lot of comments lately on how good I am looking and that really helps me. I bought my 1st little (ok, maybe not that little ;) ) lingerie set thing and wore it the other night and he loved it!!! It felt good feeling sexy, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to hide around the door either when he 1st saw me.
I can't wait till the day I don't freak out when he touches my legs cause I'm scared he's going to feel dimples!!

So much is being said here that I can totally identify with... but my thing is I feel sexy when I'm LOSING and I feel uncomfortable in my skin when I'm GAINING or STAGNANT. I'm a little scared by this because, eventually, I will stop losing. Will I feel sexy at that point with my "new" body?

Hey Everyone,
Weight loss and intimacy used to be a really big problem for me. When i started dating my ex, i was 120 lbs. Over the 6 years we were together, I went up to 170. My BF didn't want to have sex with me anymore. He told me that he wasn't attracted to overweight people. I was devastated and tried to lose weight. I dropped 30 lbs and he was happier. Then my mom died and i gained it back. He was not so happy. We parted ways. When i met my current BF, i thought my weight was going to be an issue, but it never has been. He loves me for me, and i love him for that.
Now I can lose weight for me, not for anyone else.

Wow, what a different perspective! I read some of your posts (particularly about at 180 being "the fat girl") and I think, god, I would KILL to have only weighed 180 in college! I spent all of my time in high school and college over 250 pounds and near 300 toward the end of college. I'm now 300 (okay, 299.5 :p ), and I absolutely LOVE my boyfriend. I never got close to guys in high school or college because of my size (I was more "one of the guys" and always a good friend, but never the girlfriend). I can't even count how many times a guy I was close to and had a crush on ended up dating one of my good friends...ARGH! but I digress...

My weight has had a HUGE impact on intimacy. I barely even let a guy TOUCH me until my very last semester of college, and even then, we were both completely drunk. Otherwise, I probably would have freaked out long before it got to the touching point :p I graduated college still a virgin (had done most stuff in my drunken encounters after parties, but never everything, ya know?). I always felt horrible about myself the day after those drunken encounters because I knew if he saw me when he was sober, he wouldn't want anything to do with me.

A little over a year ago, I met my Jeff. I met him online, and I was sure that when we met in person, he would be absolutely repulsed. Lucky for me, he wasn't! We have been happily together ever since. At first, I always had to have the lights off during sex, but after just getting caught up in the moment during daylight a few times, that fear went away :p Now, normally I would worry about getting too personal or whatever, but hey, it's an intimacy discussion, right? So here goes...

He ALWAYS used to ask me to shower with him. I could not stand the thought of him seeing me naked and VERTICAL! Standing just makes the rolls hang down (the bottom of my stomach actually touches the tops of my thighs, no thanks to a large amount of scar tissue from having an ovarian cyst removed), and I couldn't bear the thought. I finally told him why I didn't want to shower with him, and he looked at me like I was ******ed. He just told me he didn't care about my weight at all, that he just wanted to be with me. How sweet! (FYI, it was still almost another 6 months until I ever actually got up the courage to shower with him, despite his sweetness).

Nowadays, I have been with him long enough to know that he truly doesn't care about how I look. He loves me for me (or else he wouldn't have stuck around for so long), and I know how lucky I am to have him. I still get very self-conscious sometimes, but then I just remind myself that by now, it's nothing he hasn't seen before, so let it go! I've NEVER been thin, so I don't even know what my body looks like without rolls or ripples. I'd really like to find out. OH, and the other day, we were watching a movie together, and there was a sex scene where you could see the lady's back. Jeff was like, "that's nasty how you can see like every vertebrae in her back. you shouldn't be able to see the bones!" That made me happy, too, knowing that he never wants me to be a stick figure :D

I think we, as women, have an unrealistic idea of what men are looking for. As I mentioned before, I have had a lot of really close guy friends. Sure, they hoot and howl and act like pigs when the skinny chick with the big boobs and low-cut top walks by, but that's just society's affect on them. Most of the guys I have known say they think it's gross when a girl is TOO skinny. A girl with shape and even a little meat is usually preferred (I've had guys say they feel like they would "break" a skinny chick). Also, if it's gotten to the point in a relationship (or encounter or whatever you may be doing with a guy) where intimacy becomes a factor, then he's already into you enough to not care about some jiggle or lumps. We all know what body parts he's really after, and we've got 'em no matter how much we weigh! :lol: It just takes most women (including myself) too long to realize that.

Jill, I loved your post! Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's really true that although guys, when in front of other guys, will say they like skinny girls, in fact a lot of them want a girl with some meat on her bones (or a little "junk in the trunk!"). I heard that most men thought that Renee Zellweger looked way better in Bridget Jones than in any of her "skinny" roles!

Also, on the same idea, my bf's mom lost a lot of weight a couple years ago. He says that afterward he felt weird hugging her, because he was afraid of breaking her and it felt like hugging a skeleton! :lol: (His mom looks great BTW, and does stuff like cycling 100 miles, etc.) When I ask him if he can tell if my belly is getting smaller, he says "I like your belly, it's all soft and squishy. If you lose too much weight, it will be hard and bony!"

Oh, what a GREAT topic. I have soooo much to say about this and it is incredibly inspiring to read all of your stories!

I was always chubby - very bad self esteem. As a teenager, of course, I got love and sex mixed up big time and made a lot of stupid mistakes. My sister was the skinny athletic beauty queen - I was the short, plump, bookworm. We fought like cats most of the time :) I got into a violently abusive relationship in my late teens, that lasted until my 23rd birthday. During those years, I went up to about 175 pounds and he seemed to encourage that - that way, he said, no one else would look at me.

As soon as I escaped that relationship, i was determined to get thin and I started exercising and eating low fat rabbit food. I was fanatcal about it - step aerobics, boxercise, high impact aerobics after work 4-5 days a week. Within a year, I was 145 lbs and had six pack abs and muscles all over. It was probalby the first time I could hold my own with the good looking popular girls at work and I got a LOT of attention from men. In fact, after a couple years, i started to get really disgruntled about it because it seemed like I was merely a body - there was NO one in my life who cared if I had a brain (and admittedly, I have a way high IQ) or soul. Just good legs and a nice ***. So - it was fun for a while - the attention really nice - but it all felt so SHALLOW.

So I stopped the fanatical exercise and eating. Besides that, I quit my job and started a business around the same time so the gym was no longer on my walk home. For the next couple years, I gradually gained weight - and got really comfortable not having any relationships. I figured if someone was going to like me it would have to be for what was inside - I wasn't really concerned anyway because I got really happy and content alone anyway.

One day, around my 30th birthday, I had a mind boggling encounter with a man from another country - we just fell head over tails in love, from the first moment. He seemed to be the "one" - and I was deliriously happy for about a year and a half. In fact, he moved here to go to school, and I started learning his language in order to move to his country after school. We had an incredible intimacy, a total mind-body-spirit connection and a wonderful sex life. I thought - gee, finally, someone who loves me for me! I was so relaxed and free during that year and a half!

One day, without ANY WARNING whatsoever, he woke up from snuggling in bed with me and said "I'm so sorry, I can't do this any more" - got dressed, and left. From a distance he called me, who was obviously devastated and tried to explain himself. There were many reasons ... not wanting commitment was one of them. But the one reason that cut me to the core was that, he said, he was really attracted to tall thin women and he knew that no matter how much he loved me, he'd never really want to look at me - and if I was going to just keep gaining weight he was sure he'd end up cheating some day.

You could have taken a knife and driven it into my heart and it would not have hurt as much. I was destroyed and lay down and didn't raise my head again for years.

Over the ensuing couple years, I lost my business, lost my apartment, and then faced financial ruin over 9/11 and the changes in the economy. I also gained a lot of weight - passing 200 last year and hitting 220 spring. My highest weight ever. I also started a new business and started getting my life together with the help of an amazing therapist.

Anyway - last summer, I was at an outdoor festival by myself. This big long haired tatooed dude caught my eye - and apparently vice versa. He asked me out and I thought - holy crap, how can I go out with this dude? I said yes. And over the next couple weeks, he pursued me, quietly and steadily - breaking down all my defenses. For one thing, he believes that I am absolutely the most glorious creature hes ever seen. If I never lost a pound, he'd be okay with it. On the other hand, he cleaned up very nicely with a little encouragement and everyone tells us what a great looking couple we are together :) I can barely remember the other guys name. And there is something really freeing about knowing that someone thinks you're very desirable no matter your size. Suddenly, I seem to have the willpower and desire to try again - knowing that I'm doing it for the right reasons, not to catch or keep a man. I've got a big snuggly loving one for all time - despte all the crap before him, I don't feel even the remotest fear of him leaving me and we are planning to get married next year.

On the flip side - I forgave my ex. I realized that I am really not attracted to fat men either - its very undesirable to me, a big turn off. I know that I'm a hypocrite and am trying to come to terms with that - but it helped me to forgive because I do understand. Doesn't mean its right, but... at least I'm being honest

Another note: a couple years ago, a male friend of mine conducted an informal survey of about 20 of hs friends, men in their 30's. He asked them if they would sleep with or date a woman who was 200 pounds. 85% of them said that they were attracted to larger women or women wth meat on their bones - they thought it was very sexy, and a turn on, more womanly, all that stuff. BUT - nearly every one of them (I think himself and one other guy) said they would never date one openly because of what other people, especially their male friends would think.

Not exactly scientific - but interesting. No surprise to me - I always suspected as much! Comments?

"During those years, I went up to about 175 pounds and he seemed to encourage that - that way, he said, no one else would look at me." Wow if that wasn't the story of my last relationship. Except I was floating up around 235 or so before I even really realized what was happening. After we split I worked hard and even got down to 199. It's been about 4 years and I still am fighting with the weight and I can't seem to figure out why. I know that for a while it actually served a purpose in my dangerous relationship, it kept me safe in a really sick way. Anyways, now I am dating a wonderful guy who is really in to fitness himself and I am still struggling. I totally understand not wanting to cuddle while laying on my side, or not wanting to shower together, and sex with the lights on or covers off- yeah that makes me uneasy too. Not to mention that it's killing my sex drive. But Drew has been great. He has listened to all my ranting and raving about my body and keeps on encouraging and loving me. He's only seen pictures of when I was thin, but he kinda wrinkles his nose at them sometimes telling me I was too thin. He just wants me to be happy and that's wierd to me at times. Tonight we watched one of the worst movies for my self-esteem- The Real Cancun- what a thriller!?!?! I really had no idea what I was about to see, but my 23 year old brother suggested it and that should of been my first warning. It made me cringe everytime I saw these girls with perfect bodies, pretty much just naked flaunting it without any hesitation. It made me feel like the only thing that I had that would even compare with these girls were my feet because they're actually rather slim! ;) I know that I should feel sexy regardless and that it's a matter of the head more than anything. But like someone else commented, it is so hard to get past the negative dialog that is constantly running in the background.

Well, since I read everyone's message, I decided I need to throw my two cents in. I am absolutely frightened at the thought of being naked in front of someone. I avoid potential relationships because of it. I know I need to get over it, but so far it's not working. I am perfectly confident with my clothes on, but the thought of taking them off and someone seeing me naked, scares the day lights out of me.

Wow! I looove this discussion because there are so many things that are ringing true in my life!

I too, have been overweight my whole life, sort of around that 160-170 on a 5'3" frame. In highschool I was 'popular', meaning most of myfriends were slim and pretty. I literally remember one guy nudging me out of the way to talk to a gorgeous friend of mine. I did alot of crying during those years. But no one would know it. I became the 'funny fat' girl , who had to rely on personality, as opposed to my looks, to get any guys attention..I never had a boyfriend throughout all that time, but god knows I wanted one. Bad.
then came university, a virgin, I was so determined to shed that label, but i knew I just couldnt go with anyone..There, alcohol was the main fueler to how I was ending up making out with these guys and then would never hear from them again. It gave me a brief sense of sexiness to be wanted , but now i realize the damege it was doing to my self esteem. To be used and discarded.
I didnt end up losing it til 3rd year, when I lost a little bit of weight and gained a bit more confidence to wear more attractive clothes.it was still a one night stand though, but at least the guy cared enough to see me on and off.
I HATED and still do, the thought of being naked. I had a bf a while back and would lie awake in the mornings trying to think of the best way to get up to go pee or something without him seeing me lumber up and giggle my way to the door! Or even worse, walking BACk to the bed. I would just like hold it til like he went to the shower or smoething..I have a really bad stomach, with rolls and rolls and it just to me., is awful...
Doing any of those positions you see in Cosmo, forget it! i once was 'on top' and got so embarassed! I have settled for missionary the whole time..
Lately though, and esp. after reading these posts, I have started thinking..Wait, theres a reason WHY this person wants to be with me..He knows I have this fat and this and that on me, but he's still here! Well, that must mean he likes me for what I look and like and who I am!
I hope I start to fully accept myself and in doing this, I think I will start to lose weight. Once you love yourself, your not really holding onto anything in the past anymore and you only think about how you want a great future for yourself..

I still think it's crazy that some of you think you're FAT at 160-170 pounds, but I realize it's all your own perception and that when you see models who weigh 105 soaking wet, 170 does seem fat. I haven't seen the lower side of 200 since before high school! I've pretty much always been obese--not just overweight, but obese. It has kept me from enjoying so much in my life. I'm getting better about realizing that I can do almost anything despite my size, that it's all a state of mind that really matters (notice the word "almost"--I still can't go on most rides at amusement parks, but I am trying now so hard to lose weight just so I can ride a roller coaster again!).

My boyfriend doesn't care about my size. I had a really hard time believeing that at first. It still baffles me sometimes. He's not overweight (could maybe stand to lose a few pounds, but I would NEVER consider him overweight), so I just didn't think he understood. But now it has become very apparent to me that he really doesn't care. He doesn't see the stretch marks or the rolls or the bulges--he just sees me. He would rather sit around my apartment naked all weekend watching movies on the couch than go out to a movie or anything. Whenever I get up to do anything, I always at least put a shirt on (if it's long enough, it'll hide most of what I can't stand to have hanging out ;) ), and he always complains when I put any clothes on at all. Once in a while, I'll actually stay naked with him, but usually, I'd still rather deal with his complaining for a minute than deal with my rolls hanging out all over the place. Ugh! It's like, I know I'm disgusting, and I just don't understand how he doesn't see that, ya know? Not that I'm complaining--I just don't know how he has such a different perception of me from pretty much every other guy I have ever met.

Those of you speaking of alcohol, I SO understand. I never even really kissed a guy till I was in college and drunk off my a$$. I never had sex drunk (well, oral, yes, but intercourse, no), but only because I was still a virgin, and even when I was drunk, it was too important of an issue for me to just give it up to a one-night stand. I knew I would have hated myself for it for a long time, so I just waited till I found someone who actually liked me when we were both sober. Now I am with Jeff, who doesn't drink a drop of alcohol EVER, so it's really not an issue--I always know he's really seeing me :D , as scary a thought as that is sometimes.

Position in Cosmo? LOL :lol: For me, it's always either missionary or doggy, so long as I'm on the bottom. I've been on top a few times, but I get so self-conscious about it that I can't really enjoy it much, ya know? Intimate Tip: I have found that if he REALLY wants me to be on top, I feel better about it if I am straddling his lap sitting on the couch or something rather than him laying flat down on the bed. That way, we're face to face, so I know he's not looking down at the blubber :p

Part of me is just waiting for the day when he gets fed up with me and my nearly non-existant self-esteem. I don't whine or complain about my body to him EVER--I know that's a very unattractive quality in a woman. However, he can tell I'm uncomfortable sometimes just by the way I act or position myself. There's always this little voice in the back of my head telling me not to get too attached, that he'll probably find someone thinner and prettier soon and leave me. I know it's a horrible thing to think, but how can I not think it? I know he loves me for me, but there are actually some skinny, pretty girls out there with great personalities, too :p We're supposed to move in together in October. Hopefully, by that time, I'll feel more secure and less worried (and I'll be a few pounds lighter!) :)

This topic has been on my mind for so long and Im really happy we are discussing it. So we've established that these weight issues are bringing us insecurities which are reflected in our relationships. So how do we get past that?!

I dont see my bf too often during the week, so I make sure that when Im going to see him that evening, I get a good workout in that day..Something about the progress towards weight loss, even though Im still not thin, makes me feel better.

I listen to some pick me up , sexy songs while getting ready

And then I remind myself that not every body is going to look like those fake porn star looking women (who would want that anyway?) and that although Ive got it, its more obvious how I feel about it, when I crouch over as I come into the bed , or I refuse to 'go on top'...It is societies rules that are making me live this way..What about in the Victorian ages, where women HAD these curves and fat, why cant we go back to that?! instead we have women who are literally starving themselves (ie Lindsay lohan, has anyone seen her lately?!) to fit into 'cute' clothes..And then we have perfect looking models, even girls at clubs..why is it that just because you are so skinny, or thin, with any chest, you feel you (you, being that girl!) have the right to consider yourself more worthy of guys attention over me?! That you can walk into a bar and even though your a size 0, because of what we see around us, you are the ideal. its crap..I am starting to NOT let those people make me feel this way, but its hard..

Great topic ladies!

I was in a relationship for almost 3 years and I was at a low of about 230 and a high of 251 (or more since the scale only went that high!). The relationship was a bad one and I was not encouraged to lose weight when I felt I really wanted to.

Anyway, that was over 1.5 years ago and I am now with the love of my life. We are planning a wedding too!

But, before that first time, I didn't want her to see me nekked either. I was a lights out! kinda chick. Especially since she weighs 60 lbs. less than me. Her body is my IDEAL body, so that part of being in a relationship with another woman is kinda tough.

That all has changed as I know she loves me for me. But the best part is that she wants to get healthy with me! She's joining the gym with me (she wants to put on about 10 more pounds, all muscle) and will eat SB friendly once I start (her lunches and even breakfast can be her own but she will eat the same dinners as me). She's been really encouraging and because of that, it makes me feel more attractive.

In the few months we've been together, even before I start back on South beach and the gym, I've lost 6 pounds, am in total love, and am being encouraged in such a healthy way that it's been super.

I still have issues (I call myself fat and such, and she HATES it) but hopefully those too will disspate with time and once I start getting serious!

This discussion has really gotten me thinking..I always thought that it was my own issue and that not many other women may feel the same as me..The thing is, Im in a brand new relationship,like only a few weeks, so its that 'trying to impress' phase, where all is shaven haha, and undies are the nicest...I still dress in my flattering clothes in front of him, mostly black trousers, a simple vneck top, and this is where my mind starts to go, 'hmm, Ive done such a great job at camoflouging my real size, when he sees me naked, it will be a shock to him!'...He has seen me naked but only very briefly and I throw on clothes right away..I mean, with clothes on , you cant really tell whats going on there, but after removing the control top undies,, well, these are the things that run through my head..not thoughts of how wonderful it is to be with someone so sweet and funny and cool, but , oh my god, hes touching my stomach, probably thinking, 'where did this come from? or, I didnt know there was THIS much there?!"...

i guess im just looking today for the re-assurance that Im doing what most of us do..We over analyze, criticize ourselves, and ultimately, lower our self esteem which hurts a relationship...

Last night we did try the 'on top' position but I was so embarrased, my stomach fat actually was FLOPPING on him! So I held it for a while, and then I was just too embarassed, I just stopped...

One day, it will be gone..Or at least reduced!

I've always thought that it didn't really matter. Every guy I have been with hasn't really made me feel self conscience about anything and I don't really mind being seen touch what ever. But really, when I think about it since I was always pretty heavy in High School, I didn't really ever get a chance to learn how to go on dates or be flirty or anything. I always had huge crushes on my best friends but they always had girl friends. Then as I got older, and lost some weight and gained a lot of self confidence, it was like I had missed something big. even though I'm not self conscience or anything, I don't really know how to have an intimate relationship. Some of it can be written off as a string of bad breaks, I had a best friend who was married but was head over heals for me to the point that we couldn't be friends any more. We messed around a lot but in the end he went back to his wife and broke my heart(there is a lot more to that one but that is basically it) So to heal the broken heart, I just kind of jumped on the first thing around, got knocked up and since havning my son, havn't had any kind of relationship(other than a few bouts with the ex-best friend).

In my head I say I don't want one or don't have time which is kind of true but really I think its because I never knew how to have one and how to depend on someone else for emotional and physical needs. I even don't go out at all because I don't like dealing with guys hitting on me or trying to dance with me. That is weird, something is wrong with me and I dont' really know how to fix it.

thanks Jill, I know that there is a lot of truth to what you said. I just get it from all sides, why aren't you dating any one? Most of my girlfriends entire lives revolve around drama from their relationships and I just kind of feel like the odd ball. Not that I would exchange any of my problems for theirs. I know in the long run I am better off but I just feel kind of weird.

Being single my whole life until just a few years ago (Im 27), I cant even BEGIN to count the times I have played the role of the supportive friend throughout my life with bf problems?! I should be an expert now, one would think..

It was like they expected me to be there because , well, if you dont have a bf, then would problems could YOu possibly have?! Its funny, im not friends with any of those girls anymore, they've all gotten their boyfriends and lives in order..Starting to have children..And not once did anyone ever ask me how I feel...

here's my story on this issue...some of you may relate to this...When I met my fiance about 2 years ago, I had lost about 50 pounds and was at about 135...the way I lost weight though was through illegal drugs (bad I know)..but I had just gotten off of them, and was prepared to gain a bit of weight due to the fact that I know my body was extremely out of wack from my previous meth diet...He convinced me that he loved me for me, and I believed him..slowly as I became closer to him, I stopped being so concerned about my weight...which I saw as a blessing at the time, and in a way it was...but it completely backfired on me...I stopped watching what I ate, and we would go out to eat allll the time together...so here I am a year and a half later at a little over 200 lbs :( I want to do it the right way this time...anyways, I am very self conscious in bed with him now...he has gained a bit of weight also, and I know he has never dated anyone smaller than I was when we got together, but I still want him to think I am sexy. The thing is though, I look at myself in the mirror and laugh...HOW could anyone in their right mind ever get turned on by my body? lol...and I know it's NOT about my body, but it still would be nice to know that he gets turned on when he sees my body...I know that seems superficial, but I don't want to go out and be the most unnatractive person he sees in a room...I want to look good for him, and for me.

Jilly, first off before anything else, because you are crying does NOT make you a baby! That is the last thing I was thinking of, when you wrote about what happened. If anything, I was relating to your story so much.

When are we really going to start loving our bodies and who put it into our minds that our bodies are something to be ashamed of? Well, society, media, our mothers, friends, even strangers have told us that we dont fit the mold. I have been overweight since about 5 years old too, Ive never known what its like to not think about weight..My mom used to force my to run around the track, when i was 12, when she was so fed up with my weight, and i cried the entire time..She regrets doing that to me now because those moments have really scarred me...

So I am in this new relationship right now and it has really motivated me to really look at how i eat and workout..Im still doing it for myself, but i am also using this as a motivational factor, and I think thats important. Its nice to know though, that he hasnt said anything to me about my body, besides nice compliments! These are the types of people i need around me in my life..My friends, the ones that are supportive, are good to have around, giving me more support, telling me that I am beautiful...What I dont like to hear is that, 'you fine the way you are!'..Im sorry, I just dont want to hear that, because I dont FEEL fine..

I was 'on top' this weekend. I thought about this discussion leading up to it and was going to, just for the moment, suspend my thoughts, my warped perception of what I really look like, all of society's pressures to look thin with no big stomach or sagging breasts, and just imagine myself the most beautiful person, free, like how they would do in the days before all of this, (say Victorian?!) and go for it..and it was GREAT! Got a great leg workout too!!

Basically what Im saying is that yes, i feel sad when I look in the mirror, but there are times when I am just going to step out of that feeling and remember that life is too short and if I died tomorrow, i would have regretted worrying so much about my weight, to someone that obviously it doesnt matter, and that I will enjoy myself and see what happens..and i did...

hope this helps..Love this discussion

When I met my fiance (at 17!) I weighed 145 pounds. Since then my weight has fluctuated crazily. I started college, and worked a full time job- had tons of unforeseen stress and in the 3 years I've known him I've gained and lost an immense amount of weight.

I have to be honest it is hard to feel sexy when you're unhappy with your body, even though my fiance never gave me a reason to feel insecure- I felt fat and it made me miserable to even take off my clothes to shower much less anything else.

Since I've lost the weight (def. not done yet though!) we are intimate A LOT more. Not because he's more interested- but because I agree more often because I feel confident enough to.

I'm not 20 something anymore, but when I saw this thread, I was drawn to throw in my two cents. At my highest, I weighed 394 (368 now). I've been morbidly obese since the age of 5. I was nearly normal size for a couple years in high school. Dating has always been difficult because I could never let a guy know I was interested in him until I knew he was interested in me, but guys who were attracted to large women often gave me the creeps. Like guys attracted to only the "barbie types" they come on so strong that it's obvious their hormones are in control not their minds, and your mind is the last thing on theirs. Also, since I didn't want to be fat forever, I didn't want to date someone who could become less attracted to me as I lost weight. I thought I would have to be single before I could start dating, and that I would never be able to find someone who I knew would love me regardless of my weight.

When I met my husband, I was self conscious. He's a really big guy (6 or 7 inches taller than I and around 360 lbs), but I weighed and still weigh more than him. Being heavy most of his life, he knew what being the fat kid meant, and he had dated and been attracted to thin and heavy women.

I don't know why, but I've always had a fairly decent body image considering. I love swimming and am not going to let anyone scare me away. I know I wasn't a pretty sight in a bathing suit, but I wasn't going to let anyone elses opinions deter me. Getting to the water could be a bit uncomfortable, but in the water I felt "covered" (yeah the water is transparent, but watever illusions get us by, you know?) I also felt very empowered once I realized that people who make comments, expect you to slink away. If you stand your ground and stare at them with that "I can't believe you are so incredibly rude) expression on your face, they will be the ones that slink away. Of the few who don't (I've noticed these are usually former fat women), saying "I can't believe you are so increadibly rude" and repeating it if they put up any fight at all, will usually put them in their place.

Intimacy is another issue though, because you care what the other person thinks of your body. If you're more than 5 lbs overweight, your clothes don't hide as much as you want to believe they do, but at my weight, I had no illusions that men were going to think svelt was hidden under there. Still that very first intimate moment is 1000 times more awkward than that walk to the water.

I soon learned that my husband responded less to my body than to my body image. The sexier I felt, the more attracted he was. The more I enjoyed myself, the more he enjoyed it. He told me that women, even thin women, don't want to "jiggle" during sex, but that watching the "jiggling" was the best part. Leaving the lights on meant he could enjoy the "jiggle" and the expression on my face. It really made me open my eyes (pardon the pun). My self consciousness with how I looked had more to do with how I felt about it, than with how he felt. Learning to express my "inner hottie", made all the difference in how we both saw each other.

I'm also, sadly, out of the "twentysomething" category, but I have been following this thread with great interest -- it's one of the most interesting I've seen on here.

I just have to second the idea that very frequently it's the insecurity -- not the fat -- that men in particular react to. I think the wide variation in weight among the women who have posted here about these same issues only proves this point.

Most of my life I have been both somewhat overweight AND very insecure... I didn't have a boyfriend until college, and I was the prototypical "fat friend" to all my gorgeous male friends in high school. But when I look back on those relationships, I'm actually more embarrassed by how needy and insecure I was. My HIGH weight in high school was 150, so I was hardly as "fat" as I thought I was in the first place. Now I see that frequently I ended up being the "fat friend" because I defensively projected myself that way, never giving them a chance to think of me romantically, let alone as a sexual being.

In recent years, I've finally learned the hard lesson that insecurity just isn't very attractive. I've noticed this acutely in my (now-single) mother, as she frequently puts herself down by self-consciously referring to her "less attractive" physical traits, etc. While she is certain men aren't attracted to her because she's not thin or beautiful, I actually think it's (and here's the painfully close-to-home part) a *personality* trait they're responding to! I see now that I used to do the very same things.

Now that I've lost 85+ pounds, my husband *does* want to want to have sex more frequently, but I sincerely don't believe it's because I'm thinner. I think it's because I'm less HUNG-UP about my body. I've always loved sex and have been able -- mostly -- to let my guard down with him, but I never projected the kind of confidence and self-assurance I do now.

I only wish I knew how to beat that Catch-22.... How does one project the kind of confidence she just doesn't have?

Hello

Sorry I have been reading these posts over the past fews days, and especially the last few posts have got me thinking about this issue as well

here is the thing, even with your goal met, a perfect body, great skin, ect. i think it is completely true that the image you hold of yourself is much more important in a physical relationship with someone else

i was never overweight in high school and in university i was absolutely anorexic..but i never dated, never pursued any guy, never tried to connect to someone in romantic way, because i was too concerned that my body would someone be desirable, and it scared me...i think that what people dont realize is that weight issues, are not about how much over or how much under some ideal weight range....its all about body issues (as though the projected image of yourself is more than the sum of you weight)

when you are skinny (i am no talking about a fit confident kind of skinny i mean skinny for the sake of skinny) you disappear as much as when you are overweight and not confident about who you are...you elminate (often on purpose) all signals of sexuality, and you learn to hide in an un-sexed and therefore un-sexy body

the more you think 'i am not attractive, not sexy because of X' (whether the X is becuase of fat, guilt, shame, fear, learned reaction, religious teaching) the more you become what you hate, and lose yourself

i advocate (or try to) positive self, and working out the whole me issue...body and mind are the same really....the more you attack one the more the other hurts

You know this is a touchy subject. Well to me it is at least. Im a VERY private person and when I meet mike It was lights off, and dont look. Then after having my lil girl when EVERYONE see's you, huge as a house, I no longer could be so private. In every way that is. <does anyone know what Im saying or was I just crazy??> Anyhow, after I starrted working out just 2 - 3 weeks into, I have never felt sexier in my life, even when I was younger and smaller. Its almost like a whole new you is just blossoming out. And then no really its my confidence. Mike being a lil shorter like 1/3 inch and a weighs less then me, VERY active hyper guy has all the confidence in hte world, really wore off on me. I started thinking how silly we look together, and how I need to do something about it.
I guess me rambling, is not making any sense. I wanted to comment on this because I agree. I think it is confidence that makes us "shy" away from sex. Which is silly. But we are women, and who the **** knows what goes on in our silly lil heads sometimes!!

you do have good points...but I'd also like to add in that when you are 200+ pounds, sex just isn't quite as fun as it used to be...I am very flexible, and used to be able to do a multitude of different positions that felt better for him or for me...but now all we can do pretty much is missionary...i think once my mid section slims down we will get back to having more fun in bed :) Not that I don't enjoy it now, but...I do remember what it was like doing it and being thin, and things have gotten a little more mundane now. Think about what it would be like to have your bf/hubby pick you up and hold you against the wall :-p