I've been trying to find the right words to post on this thread for a while, so here goes. I'm 27, fat and a virgin. And I'm happy with that. For a while I've considered myself to be asexual (ie not experiencing sexual attraction/desire - for more info go to AVEN).

I've had the opportunity to have sex (including at least three times when I tried to make myself do it "for the experience" and backed out at the last minute, leaving a bewildered naked man in my wake ;)). I don't know how heavy I was at the time, fat, but lighter than I am now.

While I'm happy with how I am in that I don't want to have sex, so I don't feel bad about not having it, I've often wondered whether my weight has been an influence in me feeling like this. Whether if I'd grown up more confident with my body I'd have experienced more sexual desire, or whether it would have made no difference. I guess I'll never know about how my past could have been different, but I'm interested to see how my desires change in the future as I lose weight and get more confidence about myself and my appearance.

Although I currently identify as asexual because that's how I am, I'm open to the possibility that it may be a "phase", whether it's caused by hormones or something else. I'm equally open to the possibility that it's permanent. If it changes then great, if not, that's fine too as long as I do what I genuinely want to do at the time.

YP1 - I am really glad that you did post. I had never heard of asexuality in humans before. I personally have been so over-run with hormones since puberty - I never gave a thought that there could be people experiencing the opposite. Have you ever had blood work done by an endocrinologist to test your hormone levels?
Are you happy with your asexual lifestyle?
I hope you don't find my questions inappropriate, I am genuinely interested.

I'm perfectly happy, far happier than I was when I was trying to date and then realising I didn't actually want to !!!

I've never had any tests or anything like that, as far as I'm concerned if I'm happy, why bother. If there was a "cure" would I take it? I don't know. I don't feel like there's anything "wrong" with me to need curing. I'm different to most people, but I'm me, and I'm happy like that. I do what I want to do when I want to do it, and I don't need anyone else to make my life complete. If I change naturally then I change naturally, but I'm not going to go out of my mind looking for answers or cures that I don't need.

Hello Everyone! I'm so glad to see this thread...

I have issues! (surprise, surprise) I have always been overweight (I stopped weighing myself in college when I fell off a diet. After the diet, I was about 245ish...) Anyway, people always said 'what a pretty face!' about me and I've always had great relationships with guys as flirty-friends... it's like they wanted me to be their girlfriends without sex and kissing and stuff... I met my husband online - and we weren't even looking for an online relationship. It was both of our first day checking out an international chatroom. hehehe... Anyway, we were very drawn to each other, but were coming from completely different places in life. He is older, had just left a 9 year relationship with a very thin, blonde average looking woman. I am the complete opposite of that! lol Of Afro-carribean descent, plus size and certainly not blonde! He's always said it didn't matter. In fact, when we met in London he said he was more afraid that I wouldn't like him because he KNEW he liked me. And Yes, we had some wild and crazy sex the first 3 days we met in person (to my credit we were speaking on the phone 6 hrs a day just about every day for 3 months prior). He so wanted the lights to be on, but I was tooo afraid. I wasn't a virgin but I can only describe my previous sexual experiences as 'shameful' because I had sex with a couple random men so I wouldn't feel like a freak of nature in my 20s.

Anyway, we've been married for 1 year and I have yet to freely waltz around him naked and proud. He is very fit - and beautiful in my opinion! He loves his naked body, is very comfortable with himself (as he should be), but this tends to make me feel 'worse' in a strange way.. like o my god, he so fit! I better cover up! It bothers him especially because I flinch when he touches in and around my rolls. And Jill, hubby has been trying to get me to shower with him for ages. I did it once but felt very self conscious and he hasn't asked me since.

A slightly unrelated topic: a few months ago I noticed some porn on his computer and that really, really, really bothers me. I know I am the only overweight/obese partner he's ever had. And while I believe we have a strong bond, stronger than anything either of us have experienced, I can't separate out the physical issue. I don't think it would bother me as much if I were thin, It's the thought the he desires something I can't give him right now that bugs me!

BIGGIRL27 - I understand that having DH looking at porn can be frustrating, but I really don't think you should take it as a reflection on yourself. I know TONS of guys who look at porn and their significant others are of every shape and size. I don't really know what it is about men and naked ladies, but I think it is almost hardwired in their brains - they know that the structer is all basically the same, but they want to look, no matter what they have in bed. Unless it is at addiction level, I wouldn't worry about it. Have you talked to him about it at all? I found some porn thumb-nails on our computer, when I asked him about them he said they were an attachment that he can't get to go away. I totally didn't believe him until I tried to delete them myself. I got rid of them, and restarted my computer, and there they were - back in the same place I deleted them from - so you never know. I think you should talk to him about it.

Wow, I LOVE that this thread is keeping pretty active--such a great topic! A few things for others who have posted before I jump into my own issues (again)...

YP1--asexuality--what a blessing (even if in disguise)! To NOT have to focus and worry and think about sex and men (or women) and all of that which complicates so many people's lives and relationships with other people...Sure, maybe it makes you a little different, but I would think that for you, it's in a GOOD way! You are probably more clear- and open-minded than most people in our world today, and you've got more time to think and focus on things that are really important--instead of the "oh-god-does-he-think-I-look-cute-in-this-dress" types of issues, you have time for more normal, clear-headed thinking. If only I could stop spending time thinking about how my bf could not be appalled by my naked body, not spend time freaking out in my head during sex about things like the sounds that wouldn't be happening if I weighed less (ya'll know what I'm talkin' about), all of that good stuff, I'd have much more time to think about things that actually matter.


biggirl--I found porn on Jeff's computer once. That was months ago, and I haven't seen it since. It bugged me for about half a second until I remembered that he is, in fact, a normal male human being :lol: They don't necessarily desire the little porn star girls, just the sex. It keeps him entertained when you're not around; I wouldn't get alarmed about it, and ABSOLUTELY do not think he thinks any less of you physically because of it. Men do about 90% of their thinking with a body part other than their brain. If the day arrives where he wants to be less intimate with you and spends more time looking at the porn, I'd get concerned, but as long as the two of you still have a healthy sexual relationship, then no harm, no foul!

Alright, time to get down and dirty--if you've read my other posts, you know I've been with Jeff for over a year (almost a year and 3 months, but who's keeping track ;) ). In all that time, yes, he has known that I felt uncomfortable in a lot of situations involving nudity. However, I have never really discussed my weight as being an important issue in my life with him before. This weekend, I told him we needed to start eating out only once a week again (we had done this for a few months after New Year's, but we have been slacking a lot lately). He usually just agrees with almost anything I suggest, but then if I want to go out for breakfast, he'll go with me anyway, ya know? Well, yesterday we were talking about a trip we are taking to Georgia later this motnh, and he suggested we go to Six Flags while we're down there. I said I didn't want to. When he asked me why, I revealed that I would probably not fit into many of the rides. He seemed skeptical at first (I don't think he realizes just how big I am, ya know?), but I assured him that there would probably be issues with me fitting on the rides. I think this may have opened his eyes to my problem much more than before. He didn't say anything--just held me while I cried about this big reveal (it was hard to have to say out loud that I couldn't do something I loved because of my weight). Then last night, we were leaving the movie theater after I dragged him to see Madagascar with me, and this AMAZING Chinese restaurant is right across the parking lot (PF Chang's), so I asked him if he wanted to go, and I could just get chicken and broccoli. He said, "no, I'm putting my foot down. You only want to eat out once a week, we're only eating out once a week." I gave him a huge hug and said I'd make a reservation for us to eat there next weekend. I was SO happy--it seems like a really minor thing, but it was a huge deal to me. Makes me realize I should have enlisted his help long ago :p So now hopefully dieting will be at least a little easier with him on the weekends (FYI, we came home, and I made turkey burgers on whole wheat buns with turkey bacon and reduced-fat cheddar cheese, served with low-fat sweet and sour noodles--definitely healthier than anything at the Chinese place, I'm sure). So yeah, he was a very good boy. We took a shower together last night for the second time, too--but we left only the little night light on, so it was almost dark. It was actually kinda cool--a whole different atmosphere. Just a little tip ;)

I think porn on the computer is only a problem if it's detracting from your relationship with your SO . . . I mean, if my bf is away at a conference or something for a couple days, I will sometimes look at porn online :o :o but it doesn't mean I love him any less, just that I miss him when he's gone! :lol: I know he looks at porn occasionally and I know that he masturbates sometimes (usually when it's my TOM or I haven't felt like sex lately), but I think as long as we are both happy with our relationship and our sex life, it's not a problem.

Then again, I know it bothers some other women a lot to have their SOs look at porn. I guess I kind of feel like since I do it sometimes, I shouldn't stop him from doing it! The only thing he's ever done online that bothered me was to look at his ex-girlfriend's website! We had a tiff about that, and he promised never to look at it again. I actually felt bad about that later, because she applied for a job at his company and he was planning on putting her resume in the "do not consider" pile because he thought it would upset me if he helped her get a job, but I was like, don't discriminate against her in the workplace just because of me!

Hi Ladies, Thanks for your insight! I've been feeling torn about the porn thing for a while now because I did notice it when we were having issues. We were both stressed out with work and became a bit snappy with each other. It was rare during this time (a month or 2) for both of us to feel 'in the mood' at the same time. Then, I found the porn... and I was livid. We had a huge fight. Since then, things have been better. He certainly seems to have gotten his sex drive back, but I think I lost a bit of mine somewhere. I never feel the urge to approach him for sex anymore - and I used to all the time! lol And the last few times we had sex I wasn't really into it, but he had been hinting more and more so I 'got in the mood' lol How did this happen?! There is still porn on the computer too. I think since the big porn fight he thinks that he said his side of things and that's it. It's ok. But, it just bothers me and makes me feel so FAT and unattractive! The last few times during sex I've even been thinking, Is he thinking about one of them right now? Does he imagine he's having sex with someone else right now? I know, it's stupid and I know he loves me, but this porn thing really messed me up sexually. lol I think I was much free-er before, but anyway, WHATEVER. I hope this won't be an issue this time next year.

BTW, Paperclippy I have seen porn before, but I was single and I was more interested in 'what other women were doing to have an orgasm' and I would much rather have wonderful sex with my husband than watch other people having wonderful sex on my computer (while my hubby was sleeping). I just don't get it...? it's like just have sex with me! why watch it? :lol:

Jill, I so want to try that 'shower trick' you shared! I think when I get back from the US after vaca I will have to set that up as our romantic evening together... :) About the roller coaster thing - I'm glad you were able to share with BF and bond! It's also great that he 'put his foot down' re: the chinese restaurant. Yay! I've got DH playing the 'coach'/'cheerleader' role these days and it works really well. We're enjoying it anyway. lol

best way to get in the mood: soulgazing.
I saw this once on an Oprah show when they sent these couples to "sex spas" to rekindle thier burnt out flames or whatever...basically, you sit down on the bed, facing each other (dont have to be naked!) and wrap your legs around his waist and have him wrap his around yours...hold hands, and look deep into each others eyes...dont say anything, just stare at each other and try not to laugh...I thought this was SILLY at first, but I tried it, and it really works! I always add in some kissing at the end, with eyes OPEN, then bam, youre both ready!

I guess being 24, I just had to read this thread, even if not just for tips for later on. I've been in the True Love Waits program since I was 12, I have the ring and all that. Never been intimate with a guy at all even though I have only ever dated once. He knew where I stood on the whole subject of sex and that it was a no-no til we ever decided if we'd get married, and even then, til the night of our wedding, but that relationship only lasted 2 months because of that reason. Not like I haven't given thought to what the first time would ever be like though, and I know that I'd rather be down around my ideal weight than where I am right now. Even when I was at 185, when I'd put my jeans on and I could feel my hip bones with no fat on em when I put my hands on my hips, man, that was so cool to me:D *LOL*

This would be a great topic for ww to cover.... I feel like I dont want to be intimate with my bf until I can loose a few more lbs.... He always tells me that Im beautiful and he loves me the way I am, but I just cant feel secure with myself until I have a figure like the girls in the magazines he look at *ugh*

Jill, I know EXACTLY what your talkin about with the 'sounds' that happen, specifically when Im on top and my stomach like hits his and , oh god, its terrible!!

You know, I wonder if this same sort of chat would be happening on a guys weight loss/weight gain website...I mean, they do go through the same hangups as well, but like, ladies, it is so intrenched in us that we must look like the way society wants us to look or we are not worthy or valuable enough to enjoy our sex lives.. I want to, I really do, but the pain of being overweight and being teased through my ENTIRE school life and on, has made me what i am today..Someone who, on the outside , projects one of confidence or at least a 'great personality' (how many times have I heard THAT?!), someone that can party and make some good jokes...But, I was always the one that positioned myself on a couch and pulled out myshirt which was showing my rolls, and looking at the other girls who could without thinking about it, cross their legs...I dream for the day that crossing my legs will look and feel comfortable..

I have said before that I am in the beginning stages of dating someone, so I am EXTRA concerned with how I look..Shaving , body lotions, the whole deal. I do this, as I have thought to myself, I am trying to make everything ELSE appear good, because my actual body is where i am flawed. So I'll tan alittle more, I'll make sure my nails or feet look better...Now, I now I am sounding vain right now but you know what? Once I start doing all those things to myself, thinking I am doing it because he will be more attracted to me, Im starting to be more comfortable with my own body..I enjoy now taking care of myself, something I never did before.. Even though Im impatiently waiting for my ideal weight to come along, I bought some really nice lingerie that I have been wearing, sometimes just for my own pleasure..My workouts are motivated sometimes now by the fact that I have a sexy dinner date that night.. I think that the more we take care of ourselves, the more overall we can think of ourselves as sexy, which translates into the bedroom...Why should the slim, trim and skinny girls have all the fun?!? Just because they DONT have more fat on them?! I have to keep reminding myself that I am no less of a person, therefore deserve the same wonderful sexual feelings as any other woman does...

Anyway, the shower thing, I actually dont mind..Just stand really close to him and kiss.. Theres no looking down when that happens..And personally I think we look good in there, something about seeing two people soaked, maybe even takes off a few pounds?! And it gets really foggy in there, no big deal! Ladies go for it!

As for the porn, I have problems with porn myself. I think that far too often women are depicted as submissive, or stupid, or one dimensional..Just takes the stereotypes too far. I am sure he's got the collection, sorry ladies almost every guy does..As long as its not something that I would personally find disgusting or sort of anti-feminist, then I wont have a problem with it..But yeah, as someone said, why not just have sex withme?! I dont get it!!! I think they enjoy the actual act, the physical aspect of it, as opposed to our emotionally charged up feelings toward it.. Men, men are from mars....

Jill/Mukisa, I daren't even TRY to get on top!! :D

Mukisa said:

I think that the more we take care of ourselves, the more overall we can think of ourselves as sexy, which translates into the bedroom...Why should the slim, trim and skinny girls have all the fun?!? Just because they DONT have more fat on them?! I have to keep reminding myself that I am no less of a person, therefore deserve the same wonderful sexual feelings as any other woman does...
____
I totally agree with you. I used to be such a 'diva' and all for the Big and Beautiful movement. I was always very well groomed, treated myself to massages and facials and all that stuff... but, I think sometimes when you get 'knocked down' because of your weight there just aint no coming back :lol:Two years ago I wasn't even thinking about losing weight. I was thinking about all the money i could make by starting a plus size sexy and affordable clothes store for beautiful big women like me! But, I think landing the 'cute, fit, husband' has actually knocked my confidence instead of boosted it and the porn doesn't help! lol

Does anybody feel this way? Like you had so much confidence as a larger person before and then something sort of 'killed it' all of sudden? Honestly, I didn't realise how large I actually was before and it's like now I'm seeing myself for the first time! eek! :rofl:

Breakfast: so it's called 'soulgazing', eh? This is what me and hubby did before our 3 day sex-fest when we first met! I didn't even know it was a 'thang' lol Come to think of it, we haven't done that since... where's my 'To Do' list?? :cb:

The porn issue is really interesting in terms of body image and insecurity. Some men and women just really enjoy the visual stimulation while others could take it or leave it. My husband asked me if I would mind if he subscribed to Playboy a couple years ago. I didn't feel threatened because he didn't hide his interest, and yet respected my feeling. We usually both would read the magazine (some of the articles really are very good) and discuss much of it together. He was amused at my deep analysis of the models (how many were blonde and looked prepubescent or prepubescent with implants), but it affected him. He would comment that a particular model would look better with real hips or a little meat on her, and when an ethnic, or more natural looking model was featured, he would draw my attention to her. Occasionally, I would make a comment such as I would kill to look like one of the models, and David would remind me that these weren't "real" women, and that even they didn't look like that (with airbrushing and everything). The fact that he was open about his interest, not obsessed with it, and sensitive about it made it ok, and even made me feel sexier (even though my weight equals about three of those scrawnt models).

My husband actually came home this morning talking about a website one of his friends had told him about - women with unnaturally huge breasts. As a breast man, he was curious and a bit horrified, and I admit I was morbidly curious, so we looked at it together. The most frightening aspect was than many admitted to plastic surgery to achieve the results (and we're talking huge watermelon sized, not Dolly Parton). We both cracked up that anyone would find this arousing.

I do feel blessed that my husband is attracted to women of many body types. I don't have to feel afraid that he will not be attracted to me as I lose weight. Before I met him, most of the men I dated at my current size were interested in me because of my size. They were very vocal about how beautiful and sexy they thought I was, but really didn't have anything else to say about themselves or me. In college, I had no compassion for a gorgeous friend who complained that she couldn't find a guy among the many guys she dated that were interested in her personality at all. I was amazed that I could relate to her dilemma.

Back to the erotica issue, David's open interest (without being insensitive to my feelings) makes me feel more secure. He is extremely loyal, so I'm not concerned that he will have an affair (although I'm not naive, I think I'm more realistic than he is about whether it "could" happen). Being really open makes it less likely though. We also joke about everything. He is the envy of his friends, because I don't object to his spending time with just the guys a couple times a month, and don't mind if he comes home late. A lot of the other girlfriends and wives are jealous, but I trust David and we joke about it. I tell him 'No cheap ho's' before he leaves. Jokingly he asked how will he know if a lady were a cheap ho, and I told him that if he could afford her, she was a cheap ho. He "complained" that that wasn't fair, so I told him that if he found a lady he was interested in, she could fill out an application and submit a resume and I would review it. Now every time he goes out, and usually when he comes home, we exchange some sort of joking comments about the cheap ho's.

He also usually tells me enough about the evening that I don't feel threatened. While he and his friends might go to a bar, his group of friends also might congregate at one of the single guys' homes and play cards or have a movie night and drink a few beers. One night they watched disney movies. I almost peed my pants at the thought of these tough looking guys sitting around drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching the Lion King.

Another hilarious story he told one night, was when he shared our joke with his friends, repeating that I had given him the admonishment of no cheap ho's. He played it straight for a while, implying that I had given him a list of circumstances under which I would allow him to fool around. David said he had all the guys entranced, with their mouths hanging open at the thought of that much freedom. Then when he started listing off my "requirements" they finally got the joke, but were still amazed that I would even joke about it. Uhoh, I've written a novel again, sorry!

wow kaplods! Your relationship reminds me a lot of mine! We don't order playboy, but do get Stuff, FHM, and Maxim (found free subscriptions on the internet). Matt and I always sit down together and look at them and talk about the girls. It does make me feel better than it would if he went in the room alone to read them. It is fun to look at them together! Having that kind of open relationship has really really helped me a lot with my jealousy/insecurity issues. I also let him come and go when he pleases, as long as he gives me a call to let me know hes alright if it's really late (I'm so paranoid he'll get pulled over, he doesn't have a drivers license!). IT is really nice to relate to your husband/bf this way because you don't feel like they will feel as though they need to hide things from you, because they already know how you react to certain things and they know you won't flip out on them. This gives them really no reason to hide any truths from you about where they have been, or who they are hanging out with, etc. Usually guys lie because they are afraid that women will flip out if they find out the truth, EVEN if it isn't something bad...I had a girlfriend once who would GRILL her boyfriend about who he was with, and he would tell the truth, he was with his guy friends...but she would always find SOME excuse why he shouldn't be hanging out with them...she was so possessive!

Intimacy, sexuality, body image, trust in a relationship, they're all so important, but it seems to me the more seriously you take them, the more trouble they cause you. Relaxing and finding humor in the cosmic lunacy of it all, makes life fun instead of frightening. I have learned that most men are afraid of their women. They know that almost anything they do could upset us and they're not really sure how to prevent it. You seem to either end up with a guy who does what he wants and lets the chips fall where they may (and might apologize later), or a guy who does absolutely nothing on his own (the "yes dears"). David is mostly a "yes dear" type, to the point it's sometimes hard to even get an opinion out of him (his first response is what do you think, or what do you want to do). I think he's become as open with me as he is, because he isn't afraid of my reaction (except during one week a month, where everything he says is wrong - stereotypical, but unfortunately true as I have killer PMS. So far, I've successfully managed not to kill him when he says "I know it's just the PMS talking."

Another advantage I have is marrying later in life. I was very afraid of being alone forever when I was younger, but I always knew I would rather be alone than be stuck with someone who drove me crazy. By the time I was in my 30's, I was pretty much anticipating being a crazy spinster cat lady (and had already started with two cats - unfortunately I learned I was allergic).

David and I have spent nearly all of our free time together from the moment we met. I was a little insulted when he told me I was the most un girly woman he'd ever met (ok, not a little). But he meant that I had a very "guylike" outlook (which basically meant impulsive, forthright, funny, tolerant - which only goes to show what kind of women he'd been dating before).

I think as women, we sometimes do tend to "think too much." David has body image issues too, but they don't seem to come out in his sexual expressiveness (except maybe in terms of trying to "overcompensate" to impress me - he would crumble if he knew how funny I find it). He doesn't seem to understand how I can find him sexy. Which is weird, because I technically am bigger (but he thinks I am way out of his league because I have more education and when we met, I was making more money). He often jokes that when I lose weight, I'm going to find some rich stud and leave him. I think he half believes it. I wonder how many guys with curvy girlfriends think the same thing, but never say anything (and just bring home donuts).

Kaplods, my bf sometimes says things like "don't run off with some rich guy when you get thin" and stuff like that. I know he has just as many insecurities as I do, and I know that he doesn't think his body is attractive either. His insecurities about his body affect what we do as a couple too -- in particular, it's really hard to talk him into going to the beach, because he is embarrassed by how much chest hair he has and doesn't want people to see it. He refuses to go to a public pool because he says "I'm too hairy!" I think it's ridiculous, because it's not like he's got a rug or something, just an average amount of chest hair (which I love, BTW, and I always tell him how fuzzy it is), which I always considered to be a sign of manliness. And it's not like every guy at the beach is waxing his chest and back or something (he is more sensitive about his back hair, which he doesn't have too much of, but he refuses to wax it, so what can you do?).

So I bet all of our SO's have body issues too. My bf is also always saying things like "I'm a weakling, my muscles are too small" because he doesn't look like Arnold Schwarzenegger or something. I guess it's just like us, but with different issues.

oh my oh my oh my

so I have been reading this post, and so wanted to post a reply immediately by made myself read thru everyones before commenting. and there is so much I want to say, but don't know if I can - before I bore you all!

I am again starting a wieght loss journey and am at my heaviest in 6 years, ever?

but sex. hard. I didn't have it until I was 23, and at the time I thought I was the oldest virgin ever. Which is funny, because my best friend is 25 and is still a virgin. and not because of waiting till marriage, but becuase she has more body issues than me. and she isn't fat! but she is super skinny. and not the anoerexic kind, but just because that is the way she is (and she can eat, out eat me sometimes, and no not bulimic either). but luckily she is finally getting into a realationship - so maybe...

anyhow - on to me. sex was scary - I wanted to wait until I met someone I trusted, not just a one night fling thing. I had sexual experiences in high school - and they were probably way more adventurous than I had after I started having sex ;) but always intoxicated. and the comments I remember - my god they are humongous - referring to my rather large breasts. 36DD, perhaps to jill's standards not so huge, but to a 16 year old...so finally I met someone when I was 23, he was younger, 21 and had been in relationships before, and I never had. But at this point in my life I was also on a fitness craze - training for the marathon in november (it was august). So I wasn't so bad. once in bed he even asked me about my muscles - like where they wre changing. I still had a belly, and prob wasn't much less than 175 - but I liked that question. Anyway - the sex was ok - but not the kind you hear about in movies, magazines etc and I think this had some reason to do with me and my issues (not only his inability in the sack). he was much thinner than I was, like really thin - no fat - not that he worked out - I was way more fit than him. (I, like someone above mentioned, am Not attracted to fat men) and perhaps I felt I would break him? He did want me on top - but I never could do it on top with my behind facing his face. I showered with him only once or twice. but I think there was def something lacking in me. I got scared not only of my image, but my lack of experience. He had been having sex since he was 17 and me - 23. something told me he should be the one to be more adventurous. and why did I wait so long - prob I was so self conscious in High school and college that I didnt' feel worthy of acting on my impulses of attraction. and I don't think I am very unattractive. what I think is unattractive is my fat :) I mean - sometimes the sex was good, but a lot of times it was not satisfying. maybe that is one reason we aren't together any longer...oh and the distance now :) (many many thousands of miles)

anyhow - the wierd thing is i usually feel sexier nekked than I do in clothes. somehow (or did before the gained weight this year (from returning to grad school, and a loss of a relationship) I feel skinnier because the fabric just makes the pounds look added on (?). It feels more natural - but I am also the overwieght kind that doesn't look what she weights (though I feel it). So i didn't have like rolls of fat when i stood up (just one big stomache which didn't fall over my waist - which I am so fearful of because of seeing my mother naked - and seeing htat her stomache does indeed fall over.) anyhow, what i'm trying to say, is i think my humongous breasts look better unpocketed than wrapped up in too much fabric :) but this hasn't really helped me from having boday image problems... does this make sense? I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the movies, magazines etc.

but let me move on to today. today (as in the previous few months) I have felt a mix of things. I want to be in a relationship again, but I also don't again want to have to do the whole, are they attracted to me, should I do something about it, do I have to show them my body and what if they freak, oh they are really looking for a skinny babe... blah blah blah. And i have also felt unattractive, and asexual at times. but it may have to deal with the fact that for the first time I have overlapping back fat. (among other parts that have become bigger...) which makes me feel totally unappealing.

so now back to the running and stuff to make me feel sexier again? Maybe I'm just sex depraved...? lack of motivation to be hurt again? (and why do I still think of bad sex boy after 8 months of being broken up?)

Confused.

oh, and I just wanted to comment that porn doesn't bother me. as long as its not the focal point, (obsession).

A guy's perspective.
 

Well, first of all I won't pretend that overweight/obese guys have the exact same body issues that women do. Men's bodies aren't nearly as fetishisized, objectified, and scrutinized by American society as women's are, but I can certainly relate to a lot of what's been said in this thread, even though I'm comming to it a bit late.

I've been obese and morbidly obese for most of my life. High school was horrible, like most fat kids I was frequently picked on and suffered my share of trauma. I suffered the usual humiliating abuse in school for being fat, but I gotta say that gym class was the worst. I was always on the "skins" team when we played "shirts and skins" basketball, mostly due to the fact that my gym teacher was a sadistic prick. My bouncing fat and jiggling body was the subject of much humor, and the cause of my sociopathic tendencies as well as a deep seated hatred of my body. Like a lot of fat kids I managed to reduce the amount of ridicule and scorn directed at me using humor and social manipulation, so I did get something out of the deal.

In high school and in college I watched the dating game from the sidelines, often acting as confidant and friend to women whom I was crazy about, but could never admit to having feelings for. I watched as they made moves for clueless friends of mine, and or threw themselves at *******s who didn't appreciate them. I did manage to turn things around a bit before I entered college and was able to get down to a weight where I was no longer considered obsese through a regime of diet and exercise strictly enforced by my medling yet good intentioned parents. I was still a mess though, even though I looked fairly normal, I certainly didn't feel it. I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't wear a shirt to bed. I'd sleep walk in my room, tormented by a dream mob of kids taunting and laughing at me. All of a sudden I'd realize that for the last few minutes I'd been bullied and made fun of by a chair and a pile of clothes -- your subconcious mind can do freaky things.

Right around this time I met my first girlfriend, and we had a pretty normal relationship, but I still had a lot of intimacy issues. She loved me for who I was and didn't care about my weight, but the fact that I hated my own body made it difficult for me to be naked with her. I couldn't imagine she would want to see all the rolls and flabby skin, it just grossed me out even thinking about it. I think it was because of this that I developed a "giver" sexual style. I learned how to touch and please her, but due to how self-concious I was I didn't really like to have the same done to me. This worked for a while, but eventually she felt very frustrated that she couldn't really do anything for me, and I can't say I blame her.

After a few years our relationship ended. My weight became more and more of an issue as I was getting heavier and heavier. I spent the next 10 years or so single and getting fatter and fatter. I eventually peaked out at about 450 pounds. I was so lonely and I couldn't anymore bear the thought of being alone the rest of my life. Friends tell me that during that 10 year span I had a number of opportunities with women who were interested in me, but I couldn't see it. When I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw so much there was no way I could imagine anyone else thinking any differently. I took a few years off from the computer industry and decided to change my life. I lost around 250 pounds. Nothing special, just the old fashioned way hunger and sweat.

After I lost the weight I started dating again, mostly online. I was surprised at how easy it was to meet single women, and I dated quite a bit. Even though I had lost a tremendous amount of weight and looked fairly normal on the outside I still hated the way I looked. All the rolls were just replaced by big saggy bags of skin. It's hard to escape your past. A lot of the women I dated were frustrated at how slowly I moved. I was often scared off by women who I judged to be too sexually forward, which I guess isn't that uncommon for women in their mid 30s which is my age. I had to really trust the person I was with before I could open up sexually, because there would be much explaining. I figured the solution would be to date somebody who also had a weight problem, as they'd be more likely to understand where I was comming from, and I wouldn't be judged as harshly.

The language in my personals ad made it clear that I found women of all sizes and shapes attractive and I often got inquiries from plus sized womenn. The problem was that far more often than not, this was a lie. Try as I might, I just couldn't get around society's programming that told me that only skinny barbie types were attractive. After a particularly difficult episode with Barbie, I vowed that I would try even harder, and after a few false starts I managed to fall completely for a woman who I had previously not had any significant attraction to. Sarah is one of the most beautiful and sexy women I have ever met. I don't know I how I didn't see it before, and how I managed to make the change in my mind, but I'm glad I have. I know that something subtle has changed in me, because now I now often find my head being turned by larger women.

Anyway, I've rambled on long enough, even though I could write a lot more. I love this thread and hope to participate more.

spud

I think I know a few of those guys...my Dad, my brother, and my husband. My mom was one of those tall (5'11"), lean, long-haired blonds back in the sixties. Then she became a nurse and started working at a medical college. About 5 or 6 years after I was born she started gaining eight because of stress, and I think my Dad thought it was fabulous because then he felt that he didn't have to worry about her running off with a Doctor.
My SIL gained weight when she was pregnant with my niece and just recently started this kick-butt life style change and then all of a sudden my brother is brining home these delicate chocolate pastries that are sooooo YUM.
And my beautiful, wonderful husband seems to have a need to "swing by" Dairy Queen everytime I "re-commit" to weight loss. I talked to him about it and I told him to just go without me. And now he does ;)
My father was definately the worst offender, they don't have the best marriage and it was totally on purpose.

Oh wow ! I want to know more! Keep going! :)

I agree. Spud, you have definately gotten us to think more about the male side of intimacy. And as well, touched apon those horrible horrible memories we all carry as children who were fat.

The only thing that I think i was correct at noticing in my own life is that really, no one did have a crush on me or attempted to date me throughout all of highschool. I was so aware of my body and still am, how I look, the way my arm looks in the mirror, the way my fat goes over my underwear I wear to bed with my boyfriend. I've even resorted to tanning ,which is awful for your body, just to shave off a few pounds!
As Ive told most of you, Im in that 'new' time of relationships. Its been so challenging to say the least and I dont know if this has been an ego boost or not..now when we go out to a bar and see other girls, I immediately get right back to highschool. They're looking at me, looking at my chosen outfit, which is trying to look like them, sort of tight, cleavege...but it doesnt look like THEM..Are they thinking, whats this reasonably good looking guy doing with HER?! I swear I see it in their looks..Why?! Why do I let myself give in to them.Just like in highschool. Crying at home..Feeling so alone..Now I have someone, who touches me, even in those no go zone spots, as I call them (re: stomach), and I can't even enjoy it, for years of abuse and torment and stares have taken that away from me...
I want it to be different. And Im using Mike as my tester..Im putting myself out there as a 'new woman'..Working out, wearing nicer clothes, holding my head high, and hey, if they ARE thinking that about me, I certainly won't show it..
Only if I had this attitude once I left this chair...
As for sex, Im still really anxious and nervous about, ok, not actually at the fourplay part, I can handle all that, and in fact am beginning to enjoy myself (I have never really been too intimate with people before, lots of pathetic one night stands which I regret)...But its the actual ACT, I can't feel comfortable..I want to try new positions but I get freaked out by what it must look like to him..Hes used to seeing these girls on TV! Dont they want to see THAT?! Why the **** then, is he with me?! Is he settling or something?!? I just know like, they have an image of the perfect, or at least, the hottie, that I imagine he wishes he could be with, but he's here, in bed, with someone that resembles more of a chubby fat chick...These things, even though I try not to let it happen, creep through..


I wish all of you the best of luck, those that struggle like me, like Jil, like Spud like everyone that has so couragously opened up your stories so we can help to understand what we've come from, what we face now, and how we can work through it. Thank you.."Love this thread" seems to be the vibe here!

Spud, thanks for sharing your side. Its good to hear a guys perspective to and interesting that though very different from the womans perspective, you went through similar experiences.

Mukisa, It sounds like you are beating your self up about this but your boyfriend though its a new relationship must really like you. Since we all carry around so much self hatred baggage, I know its hard to think some one else could like what you hate but people do. Guys do. My only "love" thought everything about me was great even though I hated it. I would say stuff like oh my boobs are saggy and he would be like I don't care they are great so I would just hide my own feeling and eventually, I came to realise any shape can be sexy and appealing, especially if you feel that way inside. Now I still don't have a boyfriend or anything and I've not been intimate with many people but, I'm not ashamed either when the time comes. So keep your head held high and remember self confidence is the best asset any one can have.

Mukisa, I totally understand how you're feeling on the 'what I must look like' sex front! I've been there. I'm slowly changing though just because I'm feeling more secure in my relationship. I still won't walk around naked because I just can't bear that, but during sex I'm concentrating more on the fact that my husband is enjoying himself and is putting me in these positions :rofl: because he's enjoying himself, turned on, and WANTS TO SEE IT :lol: This has enabled me to chill out and you know what, sex is so much better now that my concentration lies on the physical and emotional pleasure. Before, I just couldn't get to that orgasm during sex and its no surprise because I was like Um, my big fat stomack is exposed or, Um I really can't contribute much in this position :lol: But, hubby knows who I am and what I look like, so whatever. It's only going to get better!

Spud, thanks for your insight! Its very interesting to hear a (formerly obese) man's perspective. Girls, too, can be shallow as we know. But, for the record, I've always like 'Big men' - they just never liked me :rofl: How funny! It's also strange to me that I had spent my life crushing on large (tall, fat, beefy) 'rough' type men and my husband is small, fit, and sensitive... sometimes we don't even know what's best for us!

All you gals who check out porn with your spouses, would the situation remain the same if you were looking at naked male bodies and their packages? Would hubby be just as enthusiastic? I don't know... I don't want to get on some kind of feminist soap box but I'm sick and tired of it being 'cool' or 'ok' to objectify, chop up, and stare at female bodies and 'gay' to do the same to men's. Any thoughts on this? I don't think it would be cool to do the same to men's bodies BTW, but I'm just using this as an example to show that there is probably something not quite right about feeling 'ok' with lusting after and objectifying women's bodies.

Also, my husband has all the freedom he wants. I don't have the man on a leash by any means. I don't think men look at porn 'in secret' because they are afraid of their wives. I think sometimes this might add to the excitement. Porn is far more popular in areas where it's taboo than it is where its openly accepted. Anyway... this was just some food for thought...

Well, my bf and I don't check out porn together, but we have both admitted to looking at porn individually when the other one of us wasn't around! :lol: He knows if I am looking at porn, I am looking at naked men! I actually have pretty much stopped doing it since we moved in together, and I think he has too. For the two years before we moved in together, we were living an hour's drive apart and only saw each other on the weekends, so there were a lot of lonely nights! :rofl:

As for looking at magazines together, he will always point out men on the cover of fitness magazines (like bodybuilders) that we see at the supermarket and say things like "would you like it if I looked like that guy?" I always tell him the truth -- those guys on the magazines are SCARY looking with those huge muscles! :lol:

I have been following this for quite some time, always wanting to add but never sure what to say. Actually I'm still not too sure what to say. For a long time I too was afraid to let my husband see me naked. I wanted the lights out and all that. I wasn't fat when we first started seeing each other and I thought about that a lot. He had me skinny why would he want me fat. But even as I gained weight he stayed. The thing is, sex is better now, 6 years into our relationship. About a year ago I realized, he knows I am fat, he sees it everyday, it is just covered up. He knows, that was the important thing. Now that I think back I think I was trying to hide it from myself more than anything, obviously he loves me so what was my problem. Now I let him see me naked. No, that isn't necessarily what made sex better, it helps but we have both learned what the other wants and likes, and how to make it best, being comfortable with myself has helped, I am braver,and I don't care, if you just enjoy the act nothing else matters.

A lot of people have mentioned worrying about what the skinny girls think of them and how does she rate such a man and all, well it is a good thing we don't let them choose for us, keep in mind ladies, these men are picking us. They chose to be with us, not them.

I read a quote somewhere and don't remember word for word how it goes but it seems to be quite true, if we are all worried about what others are thinking of us we don't have time to judge them. Everyone worries about what others are thinking of them, if they are too busy worrying what you think of them then they can't be spending too very much time in what they think of you. I know that didn't come out right but hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. It really helps to remember that chances are they care more about what you think of them, then how you look or whatnot.

Well I have said more than I intended, just remember ladies, these men are chosing to be with you, they know you are fat, but that doesn't stop them, enjoy them and most importantly enjoy yourself, there is something wonderful about you that makes these men stay.
Jen

hey mccrew, good points. If it was my post you were recalling, I didn't mean to say models aren't real people with all the qualities of the rest of us. When my husband said the women were not "real." He was talking about the glorified image. Posed, made up, air brushed, and that the models did not look like this every day in real life. Any of us who have had a "glamour shot," knows that a great photographer can make almost anyone look absolutely stunning, but when we compare ourselves to others it's usually ourselves at our worst to others at their best.

I think like most people said it's really about just feeling desirable. I'm 20 yrs old and whenever anyone has shown interest (and it's really seldom) I run like my life depended on it. I just can't stand the thought of all the anxiety that it would cause me. I think I have some more growing to do (mentally) before any intimacy is possible. And that's ok...I'm not in any rush.

I am so glad someone started this thread. I've been thinking about this issue alot recently. I've always been very conscious of my weight and because of it i've settled for less in guys than i should have. I've always known that i'm not ugly, but i've also always been aware that i'm fat. I've read a couple of posts hear where people have said that because of the weight they felt asexual, just didn't have the drive to do anything and that's how i've felt. I've been the fat girl in the group of friends, you know the one who waits by the car while her friends are giving their numbers to guys. And, I've been the girl who a guy's friend would say he liked in order to embarass him. Coming from that it's hard to feel really attractive and desirable. I've been with a couple guys and none of the experiences was anything to write about, really it's a waste of time just to type about it. I think the reason for that was because i was too wrapped up in what my body looked like to me to try and get into what was going on with mr man. For the last couple of weeks i'd been dating this guy who made it quite obvious that he thinks i'm the sexiest thing around, and while part of me would be flattered, another part of me would thing "yeah, you don't know how fat i really am" and i'd become uncomfortable because i wouldn't know how to respond to that. Last week i told him i just want to be friends, and not just because of that, there were other issues and i just wasn't as attacted to him as he was to me.
Now, there's this other guy who i actually met by chance online before i met the guy who is now my friend, and i think he's just about perfect. He's the most attractive guy i've ever talked to and just about fits my ideal of what a man should be. He's smart and sweet, shares my weird sense of humor and disdain for short people (haha). He's also 6'1 220 and built, dude's got muscals all over the place. He's like everything i've ever wanted in a guy and i still have a hard time picturing being intimate with him. Part of me wonders "what could he want with a fat chick, look at him?" He's always said that he doesn't like skinny girls, says he's scared of them, that they'll get hungry and want to take a bite out of his arm. Anyway, we're supposed to meet later this summer and i'm so nervous that he'll see me and say "nevemind" or that he'll still like me and i'll be too caught up in my insecurities to really enjoy being with him, and this after having lost 40lbs. So, that's me. Thanks for the opportunity to share
Christine