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breakfast--I totally understand! At almost 300 pounds, I usually am the biggest/most unattractive person in the room, and it SUCKS! Which is why I'm trying so hard to lose weight FOR GOOD this time. I probably haven't weighed 135 since elementary school 
Sad but true. I hear you, too, about how you know it's not what you look like that matters blah blah blah, but it's so HARD to believe all that when you feel so disgusted by yourself. I haven't been a normal weight since I was like 3 years old, so I can't even imagin ehow hard it must be to have beenthin and then gotten bigger--would have been more of a shock to get used to, whereas I grew up being made fun of my whole life and just had to accept it. But, it will be more of a shock to people who only ever knew me fat when they see me thin!I had a minor breakdown last night 
*warning: personal information to follow* Jeff and I were fooling around, and he wanted me to get on top. I sooooo didn't want to. In the year and almost 3 months we have been together, I think I have been on top a total of maybe 5 times, and I hated it every time. I usually just grin and bear it, so to speak, but last night, I went in the bathroom afterwards and just started crying. I know, I'm a big baby, but I was just so frustrated with the fact that I am so embarassed to give my boyfriend what he wants. It should never become a worry that I will actually hurt him because I'm so heavy, and I shouldn't have to be worrying about my stomach hanging down on top of his when I'm sitting up, ya know? UGH! I know he loves me, and he doesn't care how much I weigh (or else we wouldn't have been together for over a year), but it's still just the issues I have with MYSELF. I don't think any amount of pep talks or soothing remarks will ever help us. We won't be happy with anyone else until we're happy with ourselves, and for me, that's a VERY long journey to follow. Yeah, I've lost 13 pounds so far, but that less than 10% of what I need to lose total. Doesn't seem to brighten my spirits much 
I know I should look at the positive, that at least I'm losing at all, even if it is slow, but it still SUCKS. Jeff tols me his friend is getting married at the beginning of July. Instead of being happy or surprised (they just got engaged about a month or 2 ago), the first thought in my head was, "oh, god, do I have to try to find a DRESS that fits me?!!!" My priorities have actually been shifted by my weight--how sad.
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Jilly, first off before anything else, because you are crying does NOT make you a baby! That is the last thing I was thinking of, when you wrote about what happened. If anything, I was relating to your story so much.
When are we really going to start loving our bodies and who put it into our minds that our bodies are something to be ashamed of? Well, society, media, our mothers, friends, even strangers have told us that we dont fit the mold. I have been overweight since about 5 years old too, Ive never known what its like to not think about weight..My mom used to force my to run around the track, when i was 12, when she was so fed up with my weight, and i cried the entire time..She regrets doing that to me now because those moments have really scarred me...
So I am in this new relationship right now and it has really motivated me to really look at how i eat and workout..Im still doing it for myself, but i am also using this as a motivational factor, and I think thats important. Its nice to know though, that he hasnt said anything to me about my body, besides nice compliments! These are the types of people i need around me in my life..My friends, the ones that are supportive, are good to have around, giving me more support, telling me that I am beautiful...What I dont like to hear is that, 'you fine the way you are!'..Im sorry, I just dont want to hear that, because I dont FEEL fine..
I was 'on top' this weekend. I thought about this discussion leading up to it and was going to, just for the moment, suspend my thoughts, my warped perception of what I really look like, all of society's pressures to look thin with no big stomach or sagging breasts, and just imagine myself the most beautiful person, free, like how they would do in the days before all of this, (say Victorian?!) and go for it..and it was GREAT! Got a great leg workout too!!
Basically what Im saying is that yes, i feel sad when I look in the mirror, but there are times when I am just going to step out of that feeling and remember that life is too short and if I died tomorrow, i would have regretted worrying so much about my weight, to someone that obviously it doesnt matter, and that I will enjoy myself and see what happens..and i did...
hope this helps..Love this discussion
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When I met my fiance (at 17!) I weighed 145 pounds. Since then my weight has fluctuated crazily. I started college, and worked a full time job- had tons of unforeseen stress and in the 3 years I've known him I've gained and lost an immense amount of weight.
I have to be honest it is hard to feel sexy when you're unhappy with your body, even though my fiance never gave me a reason to feel insecure- I felt fat and it made me miserable to even take off my clothes to shower much less anything else.
Since I've lost the weight (def. not done yet though!) we are intimate A LOT more. Not because he's more interested- but because I agree more often because I feel confident enough to.
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I'm not 20 something anymore, but when I saw this thread, I was drawn to throw in my two cents. At my highest, I weighed 394 (368 now). I've been morbidly obese since the age of 5. I was nearly normal size for a couple years in high school. Dating has always been difficult because I could never let a guy know I was interested in him until I knew he was interested in me, but guys who were attracted to large women often gave me the creeps. Like guys attracted to only the "barbie types" they come on so strong that it's obvious their hormones are in control not their minds, and your mind is the last thing on theirs. Also, since I didn't want to be fat forever, I didn't want to date someone who could become less attracted to me as I lost weight. I thought I would have to be single before I could start dating, and that I would never be able to find someone who I knew would love me regardless of my weight.
When I met my husband, I was self conscious. He's a really big guy (6 or 7 inches taller than I and around 360 lbs), but I weighed and still weigh more than him. Being heavy most of his life, he knew what being the fat kid meant, and he had dated and been attracted to thin and heavy women.
I don't know why, but I've always had a fairly decent body image considering. I love swimming and am not going to let anyone scare me away. I know I wasn't a pretty sight in a bathing suit, but I wasn't going to let anyone elses opinions deter me. Getting to the water could be a bit uncomfortable, but in the water I felt "covered" (yeah the water is transparent, but watever illusions get us by, you know?) I also felt very empowered once I realized that people who make comments, expect you to slink away. If you stand your ground and stare at them with that "I can't believe you are so incredibly rude) expression on your face, they will be the ones that slink away. Of the few who don't (I've noticed these are usually former fat women), saying "I can't believe you are so increadibly rude" and repeating it if they put up any fight at all, will usually put them in their place.
Intimacy is another issue though, because you care what the other person thinks of your body. If you're more than 5 lbs overweight, your clothes don't hide as much as you want to believe they do, but at my weight, I had no illusions that men were going to think svelt was hidden under there. Still that very first intimate moment is 1000 times more awkward than that walk to the water.
I soon learned that my husband responded less to my body than to my body image. The sexier I felt, the more attracted he was. The more I enjoyed myself, the more he enjoyed it. He told me that women, even thin women, don't want to "jiggle" during sex, but that watching the "jiggling" was the best part. Leaving the lights on meant he could enjoy the "jiggle" and the expression on my face. It really made me open my eyes (pardon the pun). My self consciousness with how I looked had more to do with how I felt about it, than with how he felt. Learning to express my "inner hottie", made all the difference in how we both saw each other.
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I'm also, sadly, out of the "twentysomething" category, but I have been following this thread with great interest -- it's one of the most interesting I've seen on here.
I just have to second the idea that very frequently it's the insecurity -- not the fat -- that men in particular react to. I think the wide variation in weight among the women who have posted here about these same issues only proves this point.
Most of my life I have been both somewhat overweight AND very insecure... I didn't have a boyfriend until college, and I was the prototypical "fat friend" to all my gorgeous male friends in high school. But when I look back on those relationships, I'm actually more embarrassed by how needy and insecure I was. My HIGH weight in high school was 150, so I was hardly as "fat" as I thought I was in the first place. Now I see that frequently I ended up being the "fat friend" because I defensively projected myself that way, never giving them a chance to think of me romantically, let alone as a sexual being.
In recent years, I've finally learned the hard lesson that insecurity just isn't very attractive. I've noticed this acutely in my (now-single) mother, as she frequently puts herself down by self-consciously referring to her "less attractive" physical traits, etc. While she is certain men aren't attracted to her because she's not thin or beautiful, I actually think it's (and here's the painfully close-to-home part) a *personality* trait they're responding to! I see now that I used to do the very same things.
Now that I've lost 85+ pounds, my husband *does* want to want to have sex more frequently, but I sincerely don't believe it's because I'm thinner. I think it's because I'm less HUNG-UP about my body. I've always loved sex and have been able -- mostly -- to let my guard down with him, but I never projected the kind of confidence and self-assurance I do now.
I only wish I knew how to beat that Catch-22.... How does one project the kind of confidence she just doesn't have?
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yume , 06-02-2005 04:19 PM
Hello
Sorry I have been reading these posts over the past fews days, and especially the last few posts have got me thinking about this issue as well
here is the thing, even with your goal met, a perfect body, great skin, ect. i think it is completely true that the image you hold of yourself is much more important in a physical relationship with someone else
i was never overweight in high school and in university i was absolutely anorexic..but i never dated, never pursued any guy, never tried to connect to someone in romantic way, because i was too concerned that my body would someone be desirable, and it scared me...i think that what people dont realize is that weight issues, are not about how much over or how much under some ideal weight range....its all about body issues (as though the projected image of yourself is more than the sum of you weight)
when you are skinny (i am no talking about a fit confident kind of skinny i mean skinny for the sake of skinny) you disappear as much as when you are overweight and not confident about who you are...you elminate (often on purpose) all signals of sexuality, and you learn to hide in an un-sexed and therefore un-sexy body
the more you think 'i am not attractive, not sexy because of X' (whether the X is becuase of fat, guilt, shame, fear, learned reaction, religious teaching) the more you become what you hate, and lose yourself
i advocate (or try to) positive self, and working out the whole me issue...body and mind are the same really....the more you attack one the more the other hurts
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You know this is a touchy subject. Well to me it is at least. Im a VERY private person and when I meet mike It was lights off, and dont look. Then after having my lil girl when EVERYONE see's you, huge as a house, I no longer could be so private. In every way that is. <does anyone know what Im saying or was I just crazy??> Anyhow, after I starrted working out just 2 - 3 weeks into, I have never felt sexier in my life, even when I was younger and smaller. Its almost like a whole new you is just blossoming out. And then no really its my confidence. Mike being a lil shorter like 1/3 inch and a weighs less then me, VERY active hyper guy has all the confidence in hte world, really wore off on me. I started thinking how silly we look together, and how I need to do something about it.
I guess me rambling, is not making any sense. I wanted to comment on this because I agree. I think it is confidence that makes us "shy" away from sex. Which is silly. But we are women, and who the **** knows what goes on in our silly lil heads sometimes!!
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you do have good points...but I'd also like to add in that when you are 200+ pounds, sex just isn't quite as fun as it used to be...I am very flexible, and used to be able to do a multitude of different positions that felt better for him or for me...but now all we can do pretty much is missionary...i think once my mid section slims down we will get back to having more fun in bed
Not that I don't enjoy it now, but...I do remember what it was like doing it and being thin, and things have gotten a little more mundane now. Think about what it would be like to have your bf/hubby pick you up and hold you against the wall :-p
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I have DEFINTELY heard multiple times that sex is much better when you're thin. I've never had sex at less than 280 pounds, so I wouldn't know, but I'm definitely wanting to find out 
Not that I don't enjoy what we do now, but ya know, there's always room for improvement
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"He ALWAYS used to ask me to shower with him. I could not stand the thought of him seeing me naked and VERTICAL!" 
I think this was Jill that posted this - I am really not sure, it was 3 pages ago, but I totally laughed out loud because I SOOOO know what you are talking about!!!!
OMGosh, I have sooooo much to say about this thread, but it is all blurring together in my mind right now.
First, in my sexual life (I lost my virginity at 18) I have been anywhere between 130 lbs to 200 lbs (I am 5'7") - the highest being the most recent.
I have to say that being very thin and fit in my late teens and early 20's was one of the most empowering and nerve-racking times of my life. When I was thin and fit I could wear anything and look good, but thanks to my youth and that media pressure I didn't think I was thin enough (at my smallest I had girls come up to my asking me if I had an eating disorder). When I was thin I literally had people change direction in the mall or follow me on the Hwy. to come and talk to me (p.s. that hwy. thing was SUPER SCARY). I was a waitress at the Olive Garden and my male customers would give me their numbers and ask me out. The worst part of all of this is that it is probably the period of my WORST self-esteem. I was a fat (180 lbs) high school student, and only lost weight my senior year. I felt like every bit of male attention might be my last. I didn't know how to handle myself; I didn't know my own worth. I was so focused on my body and this new male attention that I ended up dropping out of college, and a year or so later, joining the Army. The male attention didn't stop there and I ended up hooking up with my future ex-husband. He was a fairly good looking, incredibly charming pathological liar who was 6 years older than me. I wound up getting pregnant, plunging into what I call pre-partum depression and going from 135 to 205 in 8.5 months. It was after I had my son that I really started evaluating my worth and realizing my own potential. I lost the most of the weight (went down to 150) in a few months with the help of ephedrine and caffeine, totally not healthy.
I hated having sex with my ex because 1) he new what I looked like thin, and 2) I was very angry with him for a lot of reasons but I hadn't acknowledged it yet. I hated him touching me and when we would be intimate I would cover my face with a pillow so that I wouldn't have to watch him look at me.
Anyway - we separated and I moved to the other end of the country and went buck wild with the help of our old friend: alcohol. After my son I was 150 lbs., but by the time I ended our marriage I was back up to 185, my highest non-pregnancy weight. I did a lot of drinking, but also a lot of thinking, and evaluating my life. It was at this point that I met my current hubby and proceeded to have the best sex of my life up to that point. I really have to attribute this to two things 1) his AMAZING abs, and 2) the fact that I was finally in a place where I didn't care what I looked like, I was out for myself. To be fair I was also working out every day (thanks, Uncle Sam!).
My relationship with my husband started as a one-night stand that turned into what was supposed to be a few month fling, and became the greatest love of my life. Once I got to my new duty station and job I went back down to 150 and gained a lot of muscle (I wasn't body builder big, but very toned) and I have to say, the sex I had then was the best of my life, this time it was because 1) I totally loved and trusted my partner, 2) I was happy and confident in my body and 3) we were both SO BUFF - and OMGosh the things we could do and the length of time we could do them was amazing!!
Then we moved to Germany, and the war broke out and physical fitness was put on the back burner to everything else, and I was incredibly stressed, and I was made to do things that I never ever ever ever ever ever want to do again and when I am truly unhappy/depressed, I eat. So I ate my way up to 195 pounds - and no baby as an excuse this time. That pretty much brings us current. I am now out of the Army, and a full time student. I love to cook and eat, and am ashamed of my body. I will still walk around the house naked every now and then (and I wonder if he is secretly is grossed out and loves me too much to tell me) and DH and I sleep naked, but I freak out inside when DH will stroke my sides and then go down to my belly, I feel like I can't breath. And now I am afraid to get on top and when we have missionary sometimes his little beer belly catches the reserve of emergency fat I have attached to my lower abs. and it makes me want to die.
I know that DH has been getting bored with our crappy sex life so the other night I tied his hands and blind folded him, which he loved because it was exciting and different and I loved because he couldn't see me!! I *highly* recommend this for women whose men want you on top, but you don't want to be stared at.
I know as soon as I get into the 170's I'll start feeling better about being naked. ect. But right now I have too much fat to be comphy and I am out of shape enough that sex is less than fun, probably because I have had truly fit sex and in my head I am always comparing it.
Now that I have written this entire thing out, I am not sure than I feel better. Ugh 
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YP1 , 06-04-2005 06:31 PM
I've been trying to find the right words to post on this thread for a while, so here goes. I'm 27, fat and a virgin. And I'm happy with that. For a while I've considered myself to be asexual (ie not experiencing sexual attraction/desire - for more info go to
AVEN).
I've had the opportunity to have sex (including at least three times when I tried to make myself do it "for the experience" and backed out at the last minute, leaving a bewildered naked man in my wake
). I don't know how heavy I was at the time, fat, but lighter than I am now.
While I'm happy with how I am in that I don't want to have sex, so I don't feel bad about not having it, I've often wondered whether my weight has been an influence in me feeling like this. Whether if I'd grown up more confident with my body I'd have experienced more sexual desire, or whether it would have made no difference. I guess I'll never know about how my past could have been different, but I'm interested to see how my desires change in the future as I lose weight and get more confidence about myself and my appearance.
Although I currently identify as asexual because that's how I am, I'm open to the possibility that it may be a "phase", whether it's caused by hormones or something else. I'm equally open to the possibility that it's permanent. If it changes then great, if not, that's fine too as long as I do what I genuinely want to do at the time.
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YP1 - I am really glad that you did post. I had never heard of asexuality in humans before. I personally have been so over-run with hormones since puberty - I never gave a thought that there could be people experiencing the opposite. Have you ever had blood work done by an endocrinologist to test your hormone levels?
Are you happy with your asexual lifestyle?
I hope you don't find my questions inappropriate, I am genuinely interested.
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YP1 , 06-05-2005 03:06 AM
I'm perfectly happy, far happier than I was when I was trying to date and then realising I didn't actually want to !!!
I've never had any tests or anything like that, as far as I'm concerned if I'm happy, why bother. If there was a "cure" would I take it? I don't know. I don't feel like there's anything "wrong" with me to need curing. I'm different to most people, but I'm me, and I'm happy like that. I do what I want to do when I want to do it, and I don't need anyone else to make my life complete. If I change naturally then I change naturally, but I'm not going to go out of my mind looking for answers or cures that I don't need.
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Hello Everyone! I'm so glad to see this thread...
I have issues! (surprise, surprise) I have always been overweight (I stopped weighing myself in college when I fell off a diet. After the diet, I was about 245ish...) Anyway, people always said 'what a pretty face!' about me and I've always had great relationships with guys as flirty-friends... it's like they wanted me to be their girlfriends without sex and kissing and stuff... I met my husband online - and we weren't even looking for an online relationship. It was both of our first day checking out an international chatroom. hehehe... Anyway, we were very drawn to each other, but were coming from completely different places in life. He is older, had just left a 9 year relationship with a very thin, blonde average looking woman. I am the complete opposite of that! lol Of Afro-carribean descent, plus size and certainly not blonde! He's always said it didn't matter. In fact, when we met in London he said he was more afraid that I wouldn't like him because he KNEW he liked me. And Yes, we had some wild and crazy sex the first 3 days we met in person (to my credit we were speaking on the phone 6 hrs a day just about every day for 3 months prior). He so wanted the lights to be on, but I was tooo afraid. I wasn't a virgin but I can only describe my previous sexual experiences as 'shameful' because I had sex with a couple random men so I wouldn't feel like a freak of nature in my 20s.
Anyway, we've been married for 1 year and I have yet to freely waltz around him naked and proud. He is very fit - and beautiful in my opinion! He loves his naked body, is very comfortable with himself (as he should be), but this tends to make me feel 'worse' in a strange way.. like o my god, he so fit! I better cover up! It bothers him especially because I flinch when he touches in and around my rolls. And Jill, hubby has been trying to get me to shower with him for ages. I did it once but felt very self conscious and he hasn't asked me since.
A slightly unrelated topic: a few months ago I noticed some porn on his computer and that really, really, really bothers me. I know I am the only overweight/obese partner he's ever had. And while I believe we have a strong bond, stronger than anything either of us have experienced, I can't separate out the physical issue. I don't think it would bother me as much if I were thin, It's the thought the he desires something I can't give him right now that bugs me!
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BIGGIRL27 - I understand that having DH looking at porn can be frustrating, but I really don't think you should take it as a reflection on yourself. I know TONS of guys who look at porn and their significant others are of every shape and size. I don't really know what it is about men and naked ladies, but I think it is almost hardwired in their brains - they know that the structer is all basically the same, but they want to look, no matter what they have in bed. Unless it is at addiction level, I wouldn't worry about it. Have you talked to him about it at all? I found some porn thumb-nails on our computer, when I asked him about them he said they were an attachment that he can't get to go away. I totally didn't believe him until I tried to delete them myself. I got rid of them, and restarted my computer, and there they were - back in the same place I deleted them from - so you never know. I think you should talk to him about it.
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