Weight Issues and Intimacy

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  •   #61  
    BrunetteChic_2000's AvatarBrunetteChic_2000 , 06-14-2005 04:41 PM
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by kaplods
    He often jokes that when I lose weight, I'm going to find some rich stud and leave him. I think he half believes it. I wonder how many guys with curvy girlfriends think the same thing, but never say anything (and just bring home donuts).
    I think I know a few of those guys...my Dad, my brother, and my husband. My mom was one of those tall (5'11"), lean, long-haired blonds back in the sixties. Then she became a nurse and started working at a medical college. About 5 or 6 years after I was born she started gaining eight because of stress, and I think my Dad thought it was fabulous because then he felt that he didn't have to worry about her running off with a Doctor.
    My SIL gained weight when she was pregnant with my niece and just recently started this kick-butt life style change and then all of a sudden my brother is brining home these delicate chocolate pastries that are sooooo YUM.
    And my beautiful, wonderful husband seems to have a need to "swing by" Dairy Queen everytime I "re-commit" to weight loss. I talked to him about it and I told him to just go without me. And now he does
    My father was definately the worst offender, they don't have the best marriage and it was totally on purpose.
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  •   #62  
    breakfastsurreal's Avatarbreakfastsurreal , 06-14-2005 05:23 PM
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by spud
    Well, first of all I won't pretend that overweight/obese guys have the exact same body issues that women do. Men's bodies aren't nearly as fetishisized, objectified, and scrutinized by American society as women's are, but I can certainly relate to a lot of what's been said in this thread, even though I'm comming to it a bit late.

    I've been obese and morbidly obese for most of my life. High school was horrible, like most fat kids I was frequently picked on and suffered my share of trauma. I suffered the usual humiliating abuse in school for being fat, but I gotta say that gym class was the worst. I was always on the "skins" team when we played "shirts and skins" basketball, mostly due to the fact that my gym teacher was a sadistic prick. My bouncing fat and jiggling body was the subject of much humor, and the cause of my sociopathic tendencies as well as a deep seated hatred of my body. Like a lot of fat kids I managed to reduce the amount of ridicule and scorn directed at me using humor and social manipulation, so I did get something out of the deal.

    In high school and in college I watched the dating game from the sidelines, often acting as confidant and friend to women whom I was crazy about, but could never admit to having feelings for. I watched as they made moves for clueless friends of mine, and or threw themselves at *******s who didn't appreciate them. I did manage to turn things around a bit before I entered college and was able to get down to a weight where I was no longer considered obsese through a regime of diet and exercise strictly enforced by my medling yet good intentioned parents. I was still a mess though, even though I looked fairly normal, I certainly didn't feel it. I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't wear a shirt to bed. I'd sleep walk in my room, tormented by a dream mob of kids taunting and laughing at me. All of a sudden I'd realize that for the last few minutes I'd been bullied and made fun of by a chair and a pile of clothes -- your subconcious mind can do freaky things.

    Right around this time I met my first girlfriend, and we had a pretty normal relationship, but I still had a lot of intimacy issues. She loved me for who I was and didn't care about my weight, but the fact that I hated my own body made it difficult for me to be naked with her. I couldn't imagine she would want to see all the rolls and flabby skin, it just grossed me out even thinking about it. I think it was because of this that I developed a "giver" sexual style. I learned how to touch and please her, but due to how self-concious I was I didn't really like to have the same done to me. This worked for a while, but eventually she felt very frustrated that she couldn't really do anything for me, and I can't say I blame her.

    After a few years our relationship ended. My weight became more and more of an issue as I was getting heavier and heavier. I spent the next 10 years or so single and getting fatter and fatter. I eventually peaked out at about 450 pounds. I was so lonely and I couldn't anymore bear the thought of being alone the rest of my life. Friends tell me that during that 10 year span I had a number of opportunities with women who were interested in me, but I couldn't see it. When I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw so much there was no way I could imagine anyone else thinking any differently. I took a few years off from the computer industry and decided to change my life. I lost around 250 pounds. Nothing special, just the old fashioned way hunger and sweat.

    After I lost the weight I started dating again, mostly online. I was surprised at how easy it was to meet single women, and I dated quite a bit. Even though I had lost a tremendous amount of weight and looked fairly normal on the outside I still hated the way I looked. All the rolls were just replaced by big saggy bags of skin. It's hard to escape your past. A lot of the women I dated were frustrated at how slowly I moved. I was often scared off by women who I judged to be too sexually forward, which I guess isn't that uncommon for women in their mid 30s which is my age. I had to really trust the person I was with before I could open up sexually, because there would be much explaining. I figured the solution would be to date somebody who also had a weight problem, as they'd be more likely to understand where I was comming from, and I wouldn't be judged as harshly.

    The language in my personals ad made it clear that I found women of all sizes and shapes attractive and I often got inquiries from plus sized womenn. The problem was that far more often than not, this was a lie. Try as I might, I just couldn't get around society's programming that told me that only skinny barbie types were attractive. After a particularly difficult episode with Barbie, I vowed that I would try even harder, and after a few false starts I managed to fall completely for a woman who I had previously not had any significant attraction to. Sarah is one of the most beautiful and sexy women I have ever met. I don't know I how I didn't see it before, and how I managed to make the change in my mind, but I'm glad I have. I know that something subtle has changed in me, because now I now often find my head being turned by larger women.

    Anyway, I've rambled on long enough, even though I could write a lot more. I love this thread and hope to participate more.

    spud

    Oh wow ! I want to know more! Keep going!
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  •   #63  
    Mukisa's AvatarMukisa , 06-15-2005 09:38 AM
    I agree. Spud, you have definately gotten us to think more about the male side of intimacy. And as well, touched apon those horrible horrible memories we all carry as children who were fat.

    The only thing that I think i was correct at noticing in my own life is that really, no one did have a crush on me or attempted to date me throughout all of highschool. I was so aware of my body and still am, how I look, the way my arm looks in the mirror, the way my fat goes over my underwear I wear to bed with my boyfriend. I've even resorted to tanning ,which is awful for your body, just to shave off a few pounds!
    As Ive told most of you, Im in that 'new' time of relationships. Its been so challenging to say the least and I dont know if this has been an ego boost or not..now when we go out to a bar and see other girls, I immediately get right back to highschool. They're looking at me, looking at my chosen outfit, which is trying to look like them, sort of tight, cleavege...but it doesnt look like THEM..Are they thinking, whats this reasonably good looking guy doing with HER?! I swear I see it in their looks..Why?! Why do I let myself give in to them.Just like in highschool. Crying at home..Feeling so alone..Now I have someone, who touches me, even in those no go zone spots, as I call them (re: stomach), and I can't even enjoy it, for years of abuse and torment and stares have taken that away from me...
    I want it to be different. And Im using Mike as my tester..Im putting myself out there as a 'new woman'..Working out, wearing nicer clothes, holding my head high, and hey, if they ARE thinking that about me, I certainly won't show it..
    Only if I had this attitude once I left this chair...
    As for sex, Im still really anxious and nervous about, ok, not actually at the fourplay part, I can handle all that, and in fact am beginning to enjoy myself (I have never really been too intimate with people before, lots of pathetic one night stands which I regret)...But its the actual ACT, I can't feel comfortable..I want to try new positions but I get freaked out by what it must look like to him..Hes used to seeing these girls on TV! Dont they want to see THAT?! Why the **** then, is he with me?! Is he settling or something?!? I just know like, they have an image of the perfect, or at least, the hottie, that I imagine he wishes he could be with, but he's here, in bed, with someone that resembles more of a chubby fat chick...These things, even though I try not to let it happen, creep through..


    I wish all of you the best of luck, those that struggle like me, like Jil, like Spud like everyone that has so couragously opened up your stories so we can help to understand what we've come from, what we face now, and how we can work through it. Thank you.."Love this thread" seems to be the vibe here!
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  •   #64  
    jennie934's Avatarjennie934 , 06-15-2005 09:52 AM
    Spud, thanks for sharing your side. Its good to hear a guys perspective to and interesting that though very different from the womans perspective, you went through similar experiences.

    Mukisa, It sounds like you are beating your self up about this but your boyfriend though its a new relationship must really like you. Since we all carry around so much self hatred baggage, I know its hard to think some one else could like what you hate but people do. Guys do. My only "love" thought everything about me was great even though I hated it. I would say stuff like oh my boobs are saggy and he would be like I don't care they are great so I would just hide my own feeling and eventually, I came to realise any shape can be sexy and appealing, especially if you feel that way inside. Now I still don't have a boyfriend or anything and I've not been intimate with many people but, I'm not ashamed either when the time comes. So keep your head held high and remember self confidence is the best asset any one can have.
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  •   #65  
    jillybean720's Avatarjillybean720 , 06-15-2005 10:04 AM
    How sad that our world has programmed men this way, that even a man who was obese had to work to love an overweight woman. How lucky I am that there are a few like my Jeff who have been desensitized to the unrealistic images of female perfection. He even sometimes comments on how gross it is that you can see the bones in certain places on some women (hips, spine, shoulders, etc.). When the "average" model is a size 0-3 and a "plus size" model is a tall size 12, it's quite obvious we've got an obsession with size.
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  •   #66  
    BIGGIRL27's AvatarBIGGIRL27 , 06-15-2005 10:28 AM
    Mukisa, I totally understand how you're feeling on the 'what I must look like' sex front! I've been there. I'm slowly changing though just because I'm feeling more secure in my relationship. I still won't walk around naked because I just can't bear that, but during sex I'm concentrating more on the fact that my husband is enjoying himself and is putting me in these positions because he's enjoying himself, turned on, and WANTS TO SEE IT This has enabled me to chill out and you know what, sex is so much better now that my concentration lies on the physical and emotional pleasure. Before, I just couldn't get to that orgasm during sex and its no surprise because I was like Um, my big fat stomack is exposed or, Um I really can't contribute much in this position But, hubby knows who I am and what I look like, so whatever. It's only going to get better!

    Spud, thanks for your insight! Its very interesting to hear a (formerly obese) man's perspective. Girls, too, can be shallow as we know. But, for the record, I've always like 'Big men' - they just never liked me How funny! It's also strange to me that I had spent my life crushing on large (tall, fat, beefy) 'rough' type men and my husband is small, fit, and sensitive... sometimes we don't even know what's best for us!

    All you gals who check out porn with your spouses, would the situation remain the same if you were looking at naked male bodies and their packages? Would hubby be just as enthusiastic? I don't know... I don't want to get on some kind of feminist soap box but I'm sick and tired of it being 'cool' or 'ok' to objectify, chop up, and stare at female bodies and 'gay' to do the same to men's. Any thoughts on this? I don't think it would be cool to do the same to men's bodies BTW, but I'm just using this as an example to show that there is probably something not quite right about feeling 'ok' with lusting after and objectifying women's bodies.

    Also, my husband has all the freedom he wants. I don't have the man on a leash by any means. I don't think men look at porn 'in secret' because they are afraid of their wives. I think sometimes this might add to the excitement. Porn is far more popular in areas where it's taboo than it is where its openly accepted. Anyway... this was just some food for thought...
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  •   #67  
    paperclippy's Avatarpaperclippy , 06-15-2005 10:38 AM
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by BIGGIRL27
    All you gals who check out porn with your spouses, would the situation remain the same if you were looking at naked male bodies and their packages? Would hubby be just as enthusiastic?
    Well, my bf and I don't check out porn together, but we have both admitted to looking at porn individually when the other one of us wasn't around! He knows if I am looking at porn, I am looking at naked men! I actually have pretty much stopped doing it since we moved in together, and I think he has too. For the two years before we moved in together, we were living an hour's drive apart and only saw each other on the weekends, so there were a lot of lonely nights!

    As for looking at magazines together, he will always point out men on the cover of fitness magazines (like bodybuilders) that we see at the supermarket and say things like "would you like it if I looked like that guy?" I always tell him the truth -- those guys on the magazines are SCARY looking with those huge muscles!
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  •   #68  
    gingerjen's Avatargingerjen , 06-15-2005 12:27 PM
    I have been following this for quite some time, always wanting to add but never sure what to say. Actually I'm still not too sure what to say. For a long time I too was afraid to let my husband see me naked. I wanted the lights out and all that. I wasn't fat when we first started seeing each other and I thought about that a lot. He had me skinny why would he want me fat. But even as I gained weight he stayed. The thing is, sex is better now, 6 years into our relationship. About a year ago I realized, he knows I am fat, he sees it everyday, it is just covered up. He knows, that was the important thing. Now that I think back I think I was trying to hide it from myself more than anything, obviously he loves me so what was my problem. Now I let him see me naked. No, that isn't necessarily what made sex better, it helps but we have both learned what the other wants and likes, and how to make it best, being comfortable with myself has helped, I am braver,and I don't care, if you just enjoy the act nothing else matters.

    A lot of people have mentioned worrying about what the skinny girls think of them and how does she rate such a man and all, well it is a good thing we don't let them choose for us, keep in mind ladies, these men are picking us. They chose to be with us, not them.

    I read a quote somewhere and don't remember word for word how it goes but it seems to be quite true, if we are all worried about what others are thinking of us we don't have time to judge them. Everyone worries about what others are thinking of them, if they are too busy worrying what you think of them then they can't be spending too very much time in what they think of you. I know that didn't come out right but hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. It really helps to remember that chances are they care more about what you think of them, then how you look or whatnot.

    Well I have said more than I intended, just remember ladies, these men are chosing to be with you, they know you are fat, but that doesn't stop them, enjoy them and most importantly enjoy yourself, there is something wonderful about you that makes these men stay.
    Jen
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  •   #69  
    mccrew_the_jew's Avatarmccrew_the_jew , 06-18-2005 03:59 PM
    Wow. Just.. wow. I haven’t checked this thread in a few weeks… I haven’t really been on the computer in that time, I’ve just been so busy, and I return to find so many insightful comments. I just read through everything since my last post, and relate to all of the things that I have read on a really deep level. This post will respond to a few of them, and sorry, but it’s going to be a long one, like grab-a-bowl-of-fat-free-popcorn long one, so here goes.

    Let me start with YP1. I read your first post just now, and I hope that you are still reading this thread, because I want you to know that I went through something similar, and I thought that no one had ever felt the things that I felt. I wasn’t asexual, I don’t think… I certainly had attractions, and it was always to males, so I knew that I wasn’t bisexual or lesbian, but every time that I actually started getting intimate with a man, or even went on that first date and had the kiss at the end… I was totally repulsed. I literally was sickened by it, like I would want to throw up afterwards. It wasn’t from nerves or anything, I’ve never been one to get sick with nervousness. It confused me and upset me, and I wondered why I couldn’t just have normal relationships, and ugh, I hate to think of what I did to those poor boys… they would start to like me, I would return the feeling, and then suddenly I would want nothing to do with them.

    As I started to lose weight and gain self-confidence, this feeling started to fade… I’m not really sure if this is coincidence, whether that was simply a phase of my adolescent development, (as it was when I was a freshman and sophomore in high school), or whether it was tied to the feelings that I had about myself, and was a reflection of how I felt that males viewed me (i.e. I imagined males were repulsed by me, so I projected that image onto them). Whatever it was, it really tore me apart… I thought there was something drastically wrong with me. I remember breaking down and telling my mother about it in a fit of tears, about how I didn’t know what to do or if I could ever feel normally about a man, and she told me not to worry about it, that I should do what feels right… if I was more comfortable with a woman, I should do that, if I was not comfortable with anyone, I should not push it too early, and if I was never comfortable with anyone, I could live a perfectly normal life without sexual relationships. She also told me that she went through a stage like that… not when it was just a matter of kissing boys, (because as a freshman in high school that was as far as I had gone), but that with her first boyfriend she was really freaked out when they started getting more serious, and that the first time she gave head it really upset her, but that was because she was sexually abused as a child, which I knew about. This made me feel a little better, but I still felt completely alone… my best friend, who I have previously mentioned as the one who was skinnier than I, never had any problems like this, and I felt ashamed to talk to her about it when she was already having sex with her boyfriend.

    I read a post of yours, YP1, that said that you would not take a cure if there was one. That is so wonderful that you feel that way… I am so happy that you are that comfortable with the way that you feel. But I did want to mention that I have gone through something similar, and I certainly wasn’t that comfortable with being different, so I wanted to offer support. I know that everyone on these message boards can relate to what we feel on this issue because we have ALL felt that we don’t fit the mold of what society expects us to be by our being overweight, and that is a huge burden, to feel different.

    On the posts from Biggirl, about your husband having porn on his computer: I agree with Jill that it is nothing to worry about until he values the photographs more than you. My boyfriend has posters in his room of “paintball *****es” (sexy girls in very little clothing who represent paintball gear companies), and when I brought them up jokingly, (I said something like “nice posters, babe”), he told me that he would much rather have a poster of me on his wall, but that I wasn’t cheap enough to sell out my body for that. I’ve also heard before that men are much more visual than women, so that could contribute to it. In any case, know that your husband values you on a level much deeper than the physical one, and a porn star could never compete with that. Also, I totally relate to what you said about not worrying about being overweight until something happens… I never thought about my weight until kids in school started calling me fat and mooing like a cow when I walked by. That was really when it started affecting me.

    Also, I also cannot say this enough: please don’t think that models aren’t “real” women, as one person put it, or that they don’t suffer insecurities as well. As I said, my boyfriend’s sister is a model, and she is far from perfect, and knows it. Everyone has insecurities. Ours are just accentuated by the way society seems to feel about being overweight and how it is unacceptable. In fact, although models get a lot of positive attention from society as a whole, think about how miserable they feel when they hear bigger girls referring to them as “not real” and “grossly thin.” It’s just as bad as when a skinny person makes comments about someone who is fat. The bottom line is, no one needs to suffer that kind of abuse—no matter what their size, or how well they fit the societal standards.

    And, to keep you all updated with my own sex life… the other night my BF and I were fooling around and I went down on him, (he was lying on the bed), and he asked me to use my mouth while facing downward and laying on his torso. This totally freaked me out… I hated the thought of him up close to my naked butt, which is the one part of my body that I am still uncomfortable with, even this close to my goal weight, and know that I will never really love about myself no matter how long I diet and exercise. I told him this made me uncomfortable and he was fine with it, but I was ashamed all the same, you know?

    Oh my god, this post is ridiculously long, so I am done. Sorry again for writing a novel, it’s just that this topic means a lot to me, as it does to everyone else here.
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  •   #70  
    kaplods's Avatarkaplods , 06-20-2005 02:11 AM
    hey mccrew, good points. If it was my post you were recalling, I didn't mean to say models aren't real people with all the qualities of the rest of us. When my husband said the women were not "real." He was talking about the glorified image. Posed, made up, air brushed, and that the models did not look like this every day in real life. Any of us who have had a "glamour shot," knows that a great photographer can make almost anyone look absolutely stunning, but when we compare ourselves to others it's usually ourselves at our worst to others at their best.
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  •   #71  
    alliesarang's Avataralliesarang , 06-20-2005 05:38 AM
    I think like most people said it's really about just feeling desirable. I'm 20 yrs old and whenever anyone has shown interest (and it's really seldom) I run like my life depended on it. I just can't stand the thought of all the anxiety that it would cause me. I think I have some more growing to do (mentally) before any intimacy is possible. And that's ok...I'm not in any rush.
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  •   #72  
    imsexydamnit's Avatarimsexydamnit , 06-20-2005 12:42 PM
    I am so glad someone started this thread. I've been thinking about this issue alot recently. I've always been very conscious of my weight and because of it i've settled for less in guys than i should have. I've always known that i'm not ugly, but i've also always been aware that i'm fat. I've read a couple of posts hear where people have said that because of the weight they felt asexual, just didn't have the drive to do anything and that's how i've felt. I've been the fat girl in the group of friends, you know the one who waits by the car while her friends are giving their numbers to guys. And, I've been the girl who a guy's friend would say he liked in order to embarass him. Coming from that it's hard to feel really attractive and desirable. I've been with a couple guys and none of the experiences was anything to write about, really it's a waste of time just to type about it. I think the reason for that was because i was too wrapped up in what my body looked like to me to try and get into what was going on with mr man. For the last couple of weeks i'd been dating this guy who made it quite obvious that he thinks i'm the sexiest thing around, and while part of me would be flattered, another part of me would thing "yeah, you don't know how fat i really am" and i'd become uncomfortable because i wouldn't know how to respond to that. Last week i told him i just want to be friends, and not just because of that, there were other issues and i just wasn't as attacted to him as he was to me.
    Now, there's this other guy who i actually met by chance online before i met the guy who is now my friend, and i think he's just about perfect. He's the most attractive guy i've ever talked to and just about fits my ideal of what a man should be. He's smart and sweet, shares my weird sense of humor and disdain for short people (haha). He's also 6'1 220 and built, dude's got muscals all over the place. He's like everything i've ever wanted in a guy and i still have a hard time picturing being intimate with him. Part of me wonders "what could he want with a fat chick, look at him?" He's always said that he doesn't like skinny girls, says he's scared of them, that they'll get hungry and want to take a bite out of his arm. Anyway, we're supposed to meet later this summer and i'm so nervous that he'll see me and say "nevemind" or that he'll still like me and i'll be too caught up in my insecurities to really enjoy being with him, and this after having lost 40lbs. So, that's me. Thanks for the opportunity to share
    Christine
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