You are all saying it's about confidence, but all I notice is that guys literally don't even give me the time of day because I'm not thin. Where are you girls meeting these guys who are open to dating bigger girls? Ugh, I've been in NYC too long.
I’m going to go against everyone on here and say it’s not about your confidence level. I know a LOT of insecure girls/ people who HAVE relationships and they have absolutely no confidence, self respect whatever else. I’m skinny and confident and do you think I can find a decent man out there? LOLOLOLOL NO!
I know a lot of people are saying it’s not you, but it could be you…I’m not saying that to be mean because I’ve discovered this in therapy. I date guys, who are wishy, washy there one minute gone …want to know why? because that’s the relationship I had with my biological father up until I was 9. After I was 9 he was gone out of my life…Guess what kind of guys are around me?
Don’t get me wrong I do get attention from guys, mostly losers who think I’m the type of person to just sleep with them. Or stage 3 clingers and the wishy washy idiots who can’t make up their mind. I’m sure the great single guys out there are having this issue with a lot of woman. No one likes the smell of desperation I sure as **** don’t when I’m meeting new guys…
It all comes down with the relationship you truly have with yourself I think. I don’t think it’s confidence, I don’t think it’s insecurity, the fact that you’re fat or skinny I think in the end it comes down to you. The relationship you have with yourself and the people around you. I’m surrounded by people who are in unhappy unsatisfying relationships (which make me thankful I'm single and not in that situation again.) but I also know people who are in happy satisfying relationships. I know people who settle and I know people who refuse to settle. I know strong dominate minded people, I know weak pathetic people…we all have our issues and it’s about finding that perfect person that fits you.
He maybe out there he may not be out there. You may not find your perfect man until your 40. It happens, it’s life. Fix yourself and the things around you that isn’t making you happy. Focus on yourself and maybe he’ll come, maybe he won’t. I’m not a firm believer on everyone is suppose to have someone in certain life times. I think sometimes we're suppose to be alone because THAT's whats intended for us at that time.
I dunno whether to be depressed or uplifted by your comment MiZTaCCen
But I honestly think you're coming from a different place. I don't have a problem finding a decent guy. I know lots of decent guys. It's getting them to notice that the fat blob siting next to them is a girl. I don't think I give off the smell of desperation. I mean, I'm not looking to date right this second. I was just really wondering if it was true, if guys really don't like fat girls, then how come so many fat girls have guys? That was my question really. How did they do it? Are they dating fat guys? Where they skinny first... or just maybe, what I thought wasn't true. Maybe there are guys out there willing to give fat girls a chance. I'm not sure I buy it, but I'm going to try out this confidence thing for a change.
You are all saying it's about confidence, but all I notice is that guys literally don't even give me the time of day because I'm not thin. Where are you girls meeting these guys who are open to dating bigger girls? Ugh, I've been in NYC too long.
Are you flirting with any of them? Are the guys telling you that they're avoiding you because of your weight?
There are a lot of guys who won't date fat chicks. There are also a lot of guys who will. Yes, the fatter you are, the harder it will be to find guys who are into you.
I think I might have mentioned the social anthropology research that found that most men do not reallly make the "first move." The first move is usually made by the woman. Most men won't approach a woman who hasn't made some type of positive contact with him first (at least eye contact and a smile, if not actual flirting).
In fact, when men do make the first move, man women will reject him as a "creepy loser." Uninvited interest is usually rejected.
This is probably why my pretty, thin younger sister dates less than I did. She rarely makes eye contact with men - and if she's interested in a guy - she's even LESS likely to look in his direction. Whether she realizes it or not, she's sending a huge "leave me alone, I'm not interested" vibe.
Flirting and doing it right takes some practice. For myself, my confidence alone wasn't enough to get tons of boyfriends (though I did have a few), what really helped was reading a book about flirting in college (sorry, don't remember the title).
My love life really perked up after I read that book, though. The odds were still against me. I had to flirt with maybe 20 or 30 guys to get one or two dates. But the book had compared dating to fishing. Some women have better, more alluring bait, but regardless of how good a fisherman a woman is, she's got to cast in her line.
That's my sister's issue - she's not casting her line, and wondering why she doesn't catch any fish.
I had to be persistant in casting my line, but I also had to learn a lot about using the right bait to catch the fish I wanted, so I didn't have to throw back all the ones I didn't.
That's why I ultimately chose a personal ad. Not because I wasn't catching fish, but because the ones I was catching, I more often than not had to throw back.
So in my personal ad, I not only described myself physically and emotionally, I described the fish/men I wanted to attract, and I used humor to do it (because I wanted to attract funny men).
I still ended up attracting a few I had to throw back.
Now if I had been 25, blond, and supermodel gorgeous, I would have attracted a lot more replies to my ad. I maybe would have had to sort through 200 replies, rather than 20 or 30. But the percentages of promising fish probably would have been similar.
But the numbers, and even the percentages don't matter. I only had to find one guy who I wanted, who wanted me.
It did take me longer than the average thin, cutie (those using the right bait anyway), but I eventually found my guy. And I did have to kiss a lot of frogs to get my prince (well not that much kissing, actually - because I usually had to throw them back before kissing became an issue).
I think it also boils down to: who has the QUALITY over the QUANTITY.
Just like fat girl problems, skinny girls have problems of their own. When I was super skinny, it was frustrating getting attention from 9/10 guys, because 8/10 of them were solely focused on my boobs, my waist, my butt...you get the picture. They were slime balls.
Bigger girls may not have as many approaching them, but if they score a good guy, then odds are it's probably a really great guy that possesses the ability to look deeper -- that falls in love with the inside out...not the outside in.
Therefore, I think no matter what...skinny or fat, it's a win-win!
...but then why does everyone always say that love finds you when you stop looking?
The way I look at it:
If you clearly aren't interested in a relationship, you do give off a vibe that guys notice.
If you have a "whatever happens, happens" attitude (single or not, you're happy) - that's where the idea comes from, that when you stop looking you find love.
Hey, I thought I'd chime in here because when I read the original post, it felt so personal.
I have to say, I think that yes, it is you. Please don't take what I'm saying in the wrong way, I'm only saying it because it sounds a lot like me, and I've finally admitted to myself that it is me that's mentally not letting anything happen. I've been so protective of myself for so many years because I'm terrified of being rejected for my size. I wanted to post here to share a small story that I think may convey what I'm trying to say better.
About 3 years ago, I met this one guy. While in the beginning I didn't notice him much, we grew close over the course of time because we had to spend quite a bit of time together (for work). Slowly, he became one of my closest friends, and soon, I fell really hard for him. He was single too, but the only thing that was stopping me was that I was so scared of putting myself out there and being vulnerable. I kept telling myself that it was because I didn't want to ruin our friendship or mess with it, or he wasn't really right for me, etc etc, but the truth was that I just didn't have enough self confidence. A year later, he started going out with another girl. She was tall, slim and pretty damn gorgeous, so that just reaffirmed my belief that he never would have gone for me.
Recently, a mutual friend told me that there was a time in the middle when he actually had a crush on me. It was the same time I was crazy about him. If I had done something about it, maybe something awesome would have happened, but I didn't, and we're still friends now, but he's with someone else and I am well and truly in the friend zone (it's not just guys who face that problem).
I know that developing that outgoing attitude and self confidence won't happen overnight, but I've decided to make a real effort to change the way I interact with people, and not be so protective of myself. If my feelings get hurt 10 times, but I find something beautiful the 11th, it's worth it.
This is, by the way, the first time I'm really admitting this to anyone. None of my closest friends know how I truly feel, but there's something really nice about internet anonymity
So how about we both go for it, and take the advice of all the awesome people who have replied to your post? Can we try this thing together?
I was just really wondering if it was true, if guys really don't like fat girls, then how come so many fat girls have guys?
Some guys like thin girls. Some guys like fat girls. Some guys like in-between girls. It's a bell-curve, and most guys are attracted to somewhere in the middle, but there are still plenty out there who like 'em very skinny or very fat.
Things start getting trickier when you take individual guys out of a vacuum. They exist within a culture which values youth, thinness, and a certain standard of beauty. If a guy openly declares interest in a girl who lacks one or more of those things, then he's tacitly rejecting that cultural norm, and opening the door for a **** of a lot of flak from his peers. His peers might not really embrace that norm either, but when they're all together there's a pressure to maintain the status quo, so the only ones who can be honest about what they find attractive are the ones who are attracted to what their culture considers attractive.
As for the confidence issue, it certainly worked for me. The boyfriend has actually fancied me since first meeting me in 2007. It took him until 2011 to get up the courage to do anything about it, and in the end he commented on a couple of photos of me on facebook, saying that I was beautiful. I was embarrassed, I didn't believe it, I suspected a trick, because I've never really liked myself and so never thought anyone else would either, and if he didn't really like me then it must be a trick designed to hurt me. Then I took a step back and realised I was being, y'know, kind of insane. So I bit the bullet and messaged him. Whether you'd call that confidence or courage or what, I don't know, but when he finally managed to make a move, it was up to me to decide whether I was worth his time or not.
I'm also aware that for a very long time I was too messed up to trust men, and I'm bloody sure I was giving "f*ck off and die" signals to anyone who even glanced in my direction. In retrospect, that didn't do me any favours in terms of finding love, though it did protect me from male attentions that would have messed me up even more.
This is a hugely interesting thread. I'll throw in my opinion that yes, weight often stops men from noticing certain women. Not *all* men and not *all* women, but I absolutely think overweight women are "invisible" to many men.
It's something I've noticed time and again. Which is not to say I haven't dated great guys while also being overweight but I attract men/attention at a much lower rate the heavier I am. That's my own observation. Just like more men opening the door for me when I'm wearing a dress or receiving more male attention if I'm (shocking!) showing cleavage. Many men are attracted (or conditioned to be attracted, as pointed out by others) to a certain figure, period. Let me just add that to my many reasons to lose weight. As kind of ick-y I think it is.
I know that developing that outgoing attitude and self confidence won't happen overnight, but I've decided to make a real effort to change the way I interact with people, and not be so protective of myself. If my feelings get hurt 10 times, but I find something beautiful the 11th, it's worth it.
This is, by the way, the first time I'm really admitting this to anyone. None of my closest friends know how I truly feel, but there's something really nice about internet anonymity
So how about we both go for it, and take the advice of all the awesome people who have replied to your post? Can we try this thing together?
YES to the bolded part. It's going to be hard breaking out of that shell, and forcing myself to face some hard truths or even accept that I might be beautiful (if not on the outside, then in) but, I say let's go for it.
You girls bring up a lot of interesting points. It's not that I think that no guy could ever be interested in me, although sometimes it admittedly feels that way, it's that I'd be convinced that at least one of us would be settling. Either I wouldn't be his first choice, or he wouldn't be mine. I know that being thin obviously doesn't mean every guy will want me, but it gives me more options and I want to feel as if I get to choose the guy I'm with, not that I have to settle for any guy who wants me or that I have to bend over backwards for a guy who thinks he can do better.
I think part of why I feel that way is that I'm always told how "gorgeous" I would be if I were thin - "you could be a model" etc. implying that now I'm just the fat girl with potential. I neither want to be nor do I think that statement is accurate, but I do feel that I'm not my best self. I also do not have a feminine personality, and I have no idea how to interact with men "romantically" and it's like I'm missing some kind of girl gene. That is probably as big a problem as the weight, but I'm more willing to change the way I look than to change my personality.
Writing this all out had made me see how demented my way of thinking can be. Wow. But all of this somehow makes perfect sense to me.
You girls bring up a lot of interesting points. It's not that I think that no guy could ever be interested in me, although sometimes it admittedly feels that way, it's that I'd be convinced that at least one of us would be settling. Either I wouldn't be his first choice, or he wouldn't be mine. I know that being thin obviously doesn't mean every guy will want me, but it gives me more options and I want to feel as if I get to choose the guy I'm with, not that I have to settle for any guy who wants me or that I have to bend over backwards for a guy who thinks he can do better.
I think we're often taught (whether it's because of fat or some other perceived flaw) that anyone who would have us isn't worth having, so we think we have to settle (at least until we've somehow made ourselves perfect).
I never "settled," unless you consider choosing men who weren't gorgeous by Hollywood standards as settling. I preferred to think of it as my weight issues teaching me to look beyond appearance and other shallow qualities.
I knew that I was fabulous despite being fat, and I knew my sister was fabulous despite being shy around people she didn't know well, so I was willing to look beyond weight and other physical characteristics, and was also willing to look past social awkwardness (at least until I could get a sense for the guy's real personality).
If my body had been perfect, I may or may not have been such a fabulous person. But regardless, I'm not sure I would have learned to look past appearances. I wouldn't have met my husband (who is absolutely perfect for me).
I know I wouldn't have dated my hubby, because he's not a "catch" by most standards, but he's absolutely perfect for me, especially where it counts (despite his many flaws, he's one of the most caring, loyal, and funny men I've ever met).
I didn't settle on the any of the characteristics I felt were necessary. I did compromise on some of the characteristics I would have liked to have, but not the ones I valued most.
Sure if hubby happened to look like my dream guy that would have been great - but I'd much rather compromise on physical beauty than on character. I didn't mind dating a guy who wasn't a superhunk, but I would never date a man who treated me with no respect.
My weight taught me what I could compromise on, and what wasn't negotiable. Being a decent human being wasn't negotiable. Looks were negotiable.
The only thing that I truly settled for (choosing something I thought would always be a deal-breaker) was hubby's smoking. I had always declared that I would never date a man who smoked, and had I known hubby smoked when I agreed to meet him, I never would have.
I liked him so much I was willing to date him a little longer (reserving judgement) to see if it was really a deal-breaker or whether it's something I could deal with.
Hubby knows I'm deathly allergic to cigarette smoke, so he quit for me (though I knew quitting permanently was possibly going to be a challenge). He's struggled with quitting many times, but even when he has smoked, he's always taken precautions to protect me (never smoking near me or in our home, showering and brushing his teeth before kissing me or going to bed...)
My hubby also has a degenerative joint condition that will eventually put him in a wheelchair. I didn't "settle" for that, but I didn't plan for it either. I had already fallen in love with my husband when I learned of it.
I didn't sacrifice anything that was important to me, but my emotional and physical safety is something I would never sacrifice. A crippled husband I can deal with. A physically or emotionally abusive husband or boyfriend? A liar, a cheater, or any other form of untrustworthy man? Never.
I'm not sure I would have been such a wonderful judge of character though if I had been naturally thin and gorgeous.
In my experience, my friends who were the worst judges of men's characters were the thin and beautiful ones (but maybe thin, beautiful women who are good judges of character don't have fat girls as friends, but that doesn't really seem likely).
Instead, I think that thin, beautiful women are often taught that beauty is the only thing they bring to the table, or they're taught to judge others by beauty first. And beauty is a poor indication of character (though repeated studies show that most people associate beauty with positive character traits - we think villains are always ugly).
It's also natural for people to be drawn to looks first and foremost, and if I had been able to have my pick of men, maybe I'd have made the mistake of picking good looking, but rotten men.
None of my long-term boyfriends were "hunks," though most were in the average rather than butt-ugly range. And, I discovered that even the weirdest looking guy became extremely sexy to me, if he had all the other characteristics I was looking for. I never would have picked my husband out of a catalog, but he got better and better looking (and still does) every day (except I do kind of wish he'd dye his hair back to its original red/auburn color for me, and maybe dress up a little more, but it's no dealbreaker).
I'm going to add my own view on this. I really do think, from my experience, that it's about YOU. It's if you are ready for a relationship or not.
When I was a teenager I dated a grade a jerk. I didn't have much confidence in myself and my appeal to guys (he once told me I could be SO hot, if only I'd lose weight). I worked with a guy who I connected with on a personal level. We were both reserved people and it was odd for either of us to really find someone we enjoyed in that way.
I broke up with my boyfriend, he broke up with his girlfriend. Seemed only natural that we'd get together, but I wasn't really ready for it. I wasn't putting out the signals to invite him to make a move because I didn't feel like he would WANT to make one and I was worried about embarrassing myself. I ended up helping a friend of his who also worked with us hook up with him.
We both moved away for school and such. I moved to a much bigger town, went to college, made friends, got away from a lot of the drama from my teenage years and grew personally.
His girlfriend happened to move to the same place as me and when he was visiting her they would come up and hang out sometimes. They broke up eventually and I didn't really hear from him much after that.
My father passed away suddenly and I moved back home to help my Mum and younger sister out. I had really started taking care of myself and my confidence was much higher, especially when it came to the idea of being appealing to the opposite sex.
One day he was in town and happened to stop by the old store we use to work at together (I was working there again to make some money). As soon I saw him I gave him a hug (which still surprises both of us to this day, I'm not a hugger). He asked for my number, we went bowling and now 5 years later we are married with a beautiful toddler running around destroying my house.
I know for a fact that the biggest change from when we first knew each other to years later when we started dating was that I was confident that he would be interested in me and I gave off the signals to make sure he knew that. I know because we've joked about how he had NO idea I liked him when we were younger, because he would have made a move if he had.
I don't think everyone needs the 'life of the party' kind of confidence. Not everyone is attracted to that kind of personality. But I do think you need self confidence and sex confidence lol. I think you need to believe that guys are going to be interested in you. They'll pick up on that kind of thing.
I never "settled," unless you consider choosing men who weren't gorgeous by Hollywood standards as settling. I preferred to think of it as my weight issues teaching me to look beyond appearance and other shallow qualities.
I consider chosing men who aren't gorgous by my standards settling. I don't see why we have to be so hard on ourselves for admitting that physical attraction does play a pretty big part in romantic relationships. I don't think it's shallow at all. Granted, it's more important to some people than others, or less important as the case may be. But I'm a very physical and visual person, and I can't help what I'm attracted to. I just always resent the implication that this makes me a shallow person.
Maybe it's my age? Maybe when I'm older I'll be willing to settle for a less attractive guy (to me, what I deem attractive may not even be 'attractive' by the strictest sesnse of the word. I guess hollywood definitions might come in here) But I have a type, a very specific type, and I'm hyper aware of what I'm attracted to (who my pheremones want to mate with ) and who I'm not.
I remember once thinking 'Well, meltaway, you can't have such strict standards for others and not for yourself. You can't expect top get a fit guy and not be fit yourself,' It was a sort of revalation to me. A mean a hot guy is going to want a hot girl, right?
I dunno whether to be depressed or uplifted by your comment MiZTaCCen
I say let's go for it.
