So all my life I've not had many relationships, and I'd really been putting the blame on myself, you know for being fat etc. no guy is ever going to want me.blah.blah.blah. And so far, I've not been proven wrong. Guys kind of look through me. But here on 3fc, I see a lot girls like me, who are overweight/obsese, but some of you are happily married or in wonderful relationships, and I'm starting to think I've been silly all these years thinking no one will like me cause I'm fat. But truth is, no one has... so what's the problem? It must be me, right?
How did you guys find that great guy/girl, even though you weren't 'skinny'? Is this a terrible thing to ponder? I know 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder etc etc' but, still. Maybe I was going for guys that were out of my league? Maybe I have to learn to settle?
I actually met my current BF on an online dating site, still together 4 1/2 years strong. I actually went on there with expectations nothing more than making a friend after a really REALLY bad marriage/divorce. I was just looking to date and see what was out there with plans of becoming cat lady and living alone with my son forever...and I was completely fine with that at the time. I totally didn't expect a committed relationship, especially one without drama after coming out of WW2. He's been a real blessing.
I have never been very overweight but I had seen thinner days when I met him but he loved and accepted me the way I was. He's not exactly Johnny Depp but I accept him as well. Now that I lost some weight he's not complaining either.
Personally I had a good experience with online dating...not that everyone will, or has. Maybe consider giving it a try but just be cautious when dealing with people on the internet and be up front about your body type from the get go and see what happens. You have nothing to lose...at least that was my motto at the time.
I've always had "better luck" than some of my much thinner friends, but I think it's because I have an extremely outgoing personality and usually take bigger risks (like asking guys out, or at least making flirting eye contact).
That being said, I've had the most luck with blind dates and personal ads (I met my hubby through a personal ad).
Don't get me wrong, I really do believe that dating is a numbers game, no matter how attractive you are. The more men you flirt with and date, the better your odds, but to do that you have to be willing to reject and be rejected.
One of my younger sisters is extremely shy. She's always been thin (until recently, now she's gained some weight, but is losing it again - but even at her highest weight, she's never been even close to 200 lbs - so she's always been half my size or smaller - and she's had much worse luck with men, because she's so shy. She has a hard time flirting, and doesn't know when men are flirting with her, and so it makes it pretty hard to date.
I think confidence really helps, and keeping an open mind. I would NEVER have picked my hubby out of a catalog. He so seemed "not my type" but I liked that when he answered my ad (voicemail) he ended with "if we don't hit it off romantically, maybe we can still become good friends." That took some of the pressure off.
I think the mistake most women and men make when placing a personal ad, is being too general in describing what they want, and who they are (hiding potential "flaws").
I think my ad was successful because I was very clear about who I wanted to meet, and very descriptive about myself (including my height and weight - well in my case weight-range and the fact that I was dieting and looking for someone in the same boat, or sympathetic to my goals of weight loss and a healthier lifestyle). I still got a lot of replies from guys who weren't at all what I said I was looking for. For example, I'd written that I was looking for a guy between 30 to 50 (I was 35) and yet got responses from guys ages 19 to 75. I said I wanted a "serious relationship" and I got responses from guys wanting only a booty call (one otr truckdriver basically wanted a free prostitute.
I almost didn't respond to hubby's reply to my ad, because I was so underimpressed with the other men who responded. I thought "what are the chances that this guy isn't a weirdo too." Well, turns out he was a weirdo - but the perfect match for my inner weirdo. On paper, no one would put us together, but what WE find important, we're well matched on.
When we met, I made more money than he did, had more education, had a more prestigious job and friends. I'm older than he is by 4 years. But for some reason it works.
I didn't "settle" for him (despite what he and my family think), he just had the qualities I valued and was looking for. Someone who had a great sense of humor, had some of the same hobbies and taste in music, fun to talk to (and argue with), and someone who doesn't put me first to the degree that he loses himself (that may seem an odd preference - but I grew up with a father who could never do enough to make my mother happy - and she wanted the same for me. I wanted a man who would stand up to me and even argue with me, when he thought I was wrong - without becoming mean or belligerant about it, or being unwilling to compromise. I didn't want to marry a man who always gave in like my father, and I didn't want to marry a man who never gave in, like my mother, either).
I think to get what you want, you have to ask for it. Whether that means placing a personal ad, or meeting a guy randomly or through a friend... it means taking risks and putting yourself out there - and it means failing and being willing to get back in the game even if you've been rejected 100 times.
My fiance and I have been together for over four years. We started going out when I was 190-200lbs.
I went to an event on campus on a whim, even though I really didn't want to go and wound up meeting him there. We hit it off right away, exchanged numbers, hung out a few times and started dating a few weeks later.
Fat or thin he has always found me attractive. He's been very skinny and now is muscular—I'm still attracted to him. There's much more to our relationship than our looks; we connect on a much higher level
Like kaplods I always had a bit more success than my thinner friends because of my personality. Sure, I was shot down here and there because of my weight, but I've also been the one doing the rejecting as well! Kind of interesting to see one loser (and yes, he really was a loser) get SHOCKED that I had the gall to reject him
It's actually strange to me now, to have people attracted to me based solely on my appearance. I'm not used to it.
men can sense when you aren't looking. You convinced yourself they wouldn't be interested so you stopped looking. It became a self fullfilling prophesy
First off, it's not a terrible question. I remember when I was in middle school I had a friend who was around my size at the time and she always had boys lined up and I didn't really date anyone. I remember questioning everything about it until it struck me... she was outgoing, funny and very very confident.
It's not YOU in the sense that there's something wrong with you. Believe me, there's plenty wrong with me personality wise and I managed to find someone at 200+ lbs who still found me attractive when I shot up to 270 lbs. Lol. The key to getting things started with someone is confidence. It's very likely that you're holding yourself back because you lack confidence... which by the way is super attractive no matter what you weigh.
Obviously you're gonna run into some shallow people and that sucks. But there are plenty of people out there who don't care so much about that stuff and will find you attractive if you put yourself out there and it's clear that you love and respect yourself.
People can surprise you about how they think about your appearance. I always thought I was average at best, and with the weight I wasn't going to catch anyone's eye for looks alone. But my fiance told me later that the night we met (which was 8 years ago now... wow) the moment he walked into the room he noticed me and thought I was beautiful and that he wanted to talk to me. He can still describe what I was wearing and how my hair looked. He did talk to me and we hit it off. At the time I was in a good place confidence wise and I was able to just be myself and talk to him and things just clicked. I could have missed out on a really beautiful night if I had been too shy or down on myself to talk to him. Also, at the time, I DEFINITELY wasn't looking for a relationship, just friends... which I think made me less nervous about meeting people.
I think the key is to just be yourself, be friendly, feel good about yourself and don't worry about where things are going.
Oh confidence is absolutely key. I had a friend who was very large (tall and close to 400 lbs) and she literally had guys chase her. She was confident, outgoing and up for a good time.
On the other hand I have a very slim and pretty friend, who is very particular about her appearance, and she has absolutely no luck with guys. She is also painfully shy and the opposite of outgoing. Guys never seem to look at her twice.
When I asked my boyfriend about this he said it's about looks to a large extent of course, but that confidence is super sexy and very attractive.
I agree with the posts above, it's all about confidence and the outward persona that you project to others.
I also have a couple of more shy and reserved friends who despite looking good etc, they have been single for as long as I can remember. They also don't put themselves in situations where they'd really meet anyone either.
It has to be said that not all guys are interested in slim/slender/skinny girls. I was a size 14 (US size 10) when I met my boyfriend which was far from ideal but smaller than I am now. Here we are many years (and excess pounds!) later and as far as I can tell, he still finds me attractive.
Congrats on your weightloss btw maybe you will benefit not just from the healthier weight but also increased confidence levels as you become happier with yourself
I firmly believe that confidence is the biggest influence in attraction. If you don't feel like you're worthy then you will sub consciously hide yourself from people. Men aren't looking through you because of your weight, it's because that's what you want them to do because you're not confident in yourself.
I've always been a very happy, smiley person who loves talking to people and socialising. Despite being overweight for most of my life, I've still had attention from boys because I'm outgoing. I'm also quite fliratious with people that I like.
I didn't have much confidence in my looks, but I had a lot of confidence in my personality. You have to love who you are no matter how you look and you will radiate attractiveness regardless of weight.
Last edited by Riestrella; 06-16-2012 at 05:34 AM.
I've never been SUPER successful with guys but when I wanted a boyfriend, I would find one. When I was not interested, no one came out of the woodwork. I figured out it had everything to do with how I was presenting myself, how I was acting, how I was interacting. When I was younger I was never confident but I decided to subscribe to "fake it until you make it" and that absolutely worked for me.
In my case, the guy I met when I was at my thinnest turned out to be an emotionally abusive jerk. He certainly wouldn't let me forget I "got fat". But the guy I started dating at my highest weight is the sweetest guy I have ever met. And he understands my struggles, he use to be 415lbs. He tells me all of the time that he loves me and thinks I'm sexy at any weight. And since we had been friends for 6 years before dating.. he has actually seen me at every weight!
I think sontaikle gives a great point here. It is all about personality. However beautiful or skinny someone is if the person is not confident then no one will think to approach.
I get hit on by guys more than my slim friends because over the years I accepted myself and I actually love it. I can say that I sometimes act as if there is no other woman as pretty and sexy as I am. I know, lol, it is weird, some can say it is even narcissistic but I really do believe and act like I am a match to any girl out there. And confidence does turn men on.
Its funny you'd say that... because I know EXACTLY how you feel. It may be a bit different for me, because I'm still in university, only 20 years old, and not looking for marriage at all atm. But last year I had a total meltdown with my best friend, who didn't even expect any of this. But I was just bawling my eyes out because I was so frusturated about how nobody ever wants me, and how no matter how much I let it get to me, I'm sick and tired of there always being something wrong with me. Not only am I chubby, but I live on welfare, tend to hand out with asian friends (god only knows why that leaves a bad impression.. I'm half black and white if anybody can figure that out...) I was teachers pet, I though I was ugly, and being on welfare means shitty clothes, not being able to go out with friends etc. Bottom line, I didn't see a point in fixing anything, because there would still be 1000 things unappealing about me. And I could accept not being in a relationship now, but I was petrified of never marrying.
Towards the end of last school year (2010/2011) I was working out, because I was to join an army reserve band... which I didn't get into because I used to have epilepsy. Go figure. Anyways, I didn't want to spend money during the summer to go to the gym at my school (bus fare) and I calculated that the membership for the one by my house was less than bus fare, so I got a membership at GoodLife Fitness. They give you 3 days of orientation on Cardio/Stretching/Strength training. My orientation guy, is now my boyfriend. Somehow he saw something in me, and we are together still a year later. He has been with me through everything. And we almost broke up, because I was too negative. Which is also ironic, because usually, like 85% of the time, I hold it in, but I guess finally having a boyfriend meant relinquishing all my depression onto him. And he told me that he wants to make me happy, but he was having trouble holding up both of our worlds because of all the negativity. And that's basically what it took for me to just drop it all, and accept how happy I was. You know when you're FINALLY happy, but you are so used to being pissed at the world that you don't appreciate it? APPRECIATE IT!! LIFE REALLY SUCKS, MAKE THE BEST OUTTA IT!!
Those are my best words of advice. It's so hard to understand how to get past it. I honestly didn't believe anything good could come from thinking positive. And maybe nothing does, but even then, if you can't change your life atm, why dwell on it? And if you cannot commit to thinking people will look at you and want to date you, one day you will. I believe it!
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I suppose it's really the confidence I'm lacking. I met most of those shallow people when I was younger, when I was 16 I had a guy tell me he doesn't like fat girls so he wasn't interested in me and I guess I just took that with me wherever I went. I just started to assume no one would like me, so in order to bypass the whole rejection thing (which I don't deal with very well) I just started to pretend I wasn't interested. How do I build that dating confidence though? It's going to take me a while to get down to my goal weight. Do I hold of on dating until I build up my confidence a bit more? I'm heading to grad school in the fall, so I'm actually kind of hoping there's no one cute there, so I don't have to go through the 'does he like me or not' thing. Sigh.
I imagine this has been said, but it really is all about confidence. All my life I was super insecure - until I became friends with a great guy who I had huge respect for and who reflected it back. My self esteem went through the roof. Even though he wasn't available and this was purely a friendship.
I started seeing myself as 'worth' a guy and even though I have NO clue what I'm doing, I've been asked out 3 times in the past few months, for the first time ever.
The main changes were a) more confidence in social situations and b) actually putting myself in social situations.
As others have said, confidence is the key. You have to ask yourself, who would you rather go out with... someone who wants to have fun and enjoy themselves or someone who wants to keep to themselves and not let them self go. It doesn't matter if the people are attractive or not, skinny, normal or over weight. People will always choose someone who is fun to be with.
There will always be shallow people who judge people on looks, but they can be weeded out pretty quickly.
Go with a smile, have a sense of humor and enjoy yourself. Hopefully the other guy will have the same and things will work out.
This is a terrible question to ask, but...
maybe you will benefit not just from the healthier weight but also increased confidence levels as you become happier with yourself 
