This isn't about weight loss but I desperately need a place to vent.
I'll give a bit of background of the situation first.
I was friends with a guy beginning as teenagers, for about ten years, before we began dating. After a year of dating he became serious about the relationship and, although I wasn't fully ready when he asked, said yes to his proposal. About a year later I broke up with him after my list of doubts and concerns was growing quite lengthy and we had been drifting apart for months.
A few months after the breakup I bumped into him and after some awkward pleasantries he announced he was engaged once again. I was shocked but sincerely happy for him. I agreed to keep in touch and said I was open to trying to rebuild a friendship with him.
Since then, I occasionally receive emails from him. I'm happy to hear about his career success, family and friends, and thoughts on our common interests but in every message he insists on gushing about his new wife.
I've received lines such as "I've never been happier in my entire life." "I'm so happy I finally found the one for me." "I'm so happy to have my soulmate." "I was spending time with (male friend) and we're bonding so much since we're both newlyweds." "Married life is wonderful!" "(New wife) always has so many fun ideas for stuff to do."
One side of me wants to be able to calmly sit there and feel happy for him but most of the time I feel like replying "What the **** is wrong with you? You honestly feel the need to gush about your new wife to someone you were previously engaged to? Have you no tact at all? Your mother would be appalled at such rudeness and inconsideration. *******!" but I've managed to keep my mouth shut and mostly ignore it if I actually bother to reply.
I don't know how to handle this situation. Should I say something like "While I am sincerely happy you're so fulfilled with your marriage, I find it insensitive and inappropriate to receive exaggerated gushing about your wife. I don't flood you with bragging about my new boyfriend and I would expect you to be as considerate."
This sucks. I kinda feel stupid for ever agreeing to be friends with him again. Sorry for the long, ranty post.
It might be best to cut off contact with him. He seems bitter that you broke up with him and is determined to make you feel horrible for doing so. I'm wondering if he's genuinely in love with this woman or if he's just using her to make you feel terrible (or perhaps a mixture of both)
What kind of email service do you have? You can have his emails automatically go into the trash or moved to another folder if you don't want to read them. You can even have them filtered by what kind of language he uses if you do want to keep in contact with him but don't want to hear about his new significant other.
Honestly?
My first thought was that he is trying to show you/prove to you just how "happy" he is....and it sounds like he's full of baloney. Almost in the way celebrities constantly talk about how wonderful and amazing their marriage is and how it's stronger than ever....only to divorce 2 weeks later.
If it bothers you, you should probably distance yourself.
This guy sounds seriously codependent. Be glad you dodged THAT bullet and recognize his actions for what they are- jabs at you and attempts to make you jealous and feel like you somehow lost out. This guy pressures you to get engaged when you're not ready, then gets married a few months after you break up (after TEN years?) I know all situations are different and there's no 'right' time to mourn a relationship, but he doesn't sound like he's all there.
Maybe you see some kind of value he brings to your life that outweighs that, but it doesn't sound like it. If it were me, I'd cut it off and be done with it.
I went through something similar to this. Friend of mine developed feelings for me and the feelings weren't mutual plus I was already engaged by the time he spilled the beans. After I got married I didn't hear from for a while until he found someone he was "so totally in love with" and just wouldn't shut up about her to be frank. After about a year of them living together he found out she was cheating on him and took about another 5mo for him to finally kick her out but point being he wasn't as near as happy with her as he kept telling me he was.
I felt bad for him really because we had been through a lot, but I dont talk to him anymore. To this day I still wonder about him and we have a mutual friend so I can ask how hes doing but I try not to get too involved. I just got tired of our conversations always being about how he was so in love with this person he only knew a month(on the internet) before he let her move in(and they hadn't even met before that).
Bottom line-We just couldn't have a real conversation anymore.
Honestly?
My first thought was that he is trying to show you/prove to you just how "happy" he is....
My thought exactly. I dont think he wanna be your friend, I think he's just trying to rub it in your face. And for whatever reason, it CANT be a good one..
Safer to keep your distance. Dont waste your time on BS like that!!
Honestly, I wouldn't have any contact with him at all; I don't think it is appropriate since he is now married to someone else and you are an EX ... at best, it is difficult to have a relationship with an ex -- some do it becuz kids are involved, but in this case, it isn't necessary or healthy for you or him. I wouldn't reply to his emails anymore (delete them): he should get the point, if he is smart ...
My father always says, "An Ex is an Ex: so move on!"
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 01-31-2012 at 01:02 PM.
A few months after the breakup I bumped into him and after some awkward pleasantries he announced he was engaged once again.
hahahahaha....wow...Now I remember why I choose to be single that is PATHETIC. Now as some people are saying he's doing it on purpose...it totally is because he's a bitter jackass and quite frankly and guy or person who brags that much is lying to themselves and you. I find myself doing that bragging to another ex when I'm trying to prove something to them in the end it means nothing because in the end I'm truly not as happy as I'm pretending to be. He's just miserable. I'd just cut ties with him and be thankful you dodged a bullet.
I'm definitely thankful I dodged the bullet of marrying him! I can still hardly believe he met the 'love of his life' a few months after we broke up and married her a month after he told me he'd just gotten engaged!
I guess I was a bit naive to think we could have a true friendship like we used to but I kept hoping for it because I hate to burn bridges and have bad relationships in general.
Still, this fake friendship I'm trying to hold together with politeness is stressing me out and causing me grief so I agree that cutting contact is probably the best move. I'm just still so appalled at the obvious rudeness.
I also forgot to mention in OP that I returned the engagement ring shortly after we bumped into each other. I knew I would never wear it in any capacity, as a ring or made into a necklace, etc and felt guilty about selling it. He emailed me soon safter, saying 'It's great, the diamond actually went up in value when I sold it!'
Remembering that is truly the last straw. Good riddance!!
Thanks so much everyone for the advice and listening Sometimes you just have to get everything out in writing and vent a bit and get fresh perspective!! I really appreciate it!
Whether he has found happiness and he feels the needs to gush, or whether theres a more sinsiter or malevolent reaosn behind his gusshing to you, doesn't really matter. It is sad that you had a 10 year friendship that is lost, and I can see why you felt that it was perhaps worth trying to rekindle friendship, but I agree with those that say cut the ties. I seriously have little faith in the ability for two people who had been in a serious relationship from being able to go back to friendship. There is some kin dof a saying that says, "the only way two lovers can remain friends is if they were never in love or they continue to be so". Even if your feeling had never been more than friendship afterall, it's apparent his ran MUCH deeper than that. He cant be just friends. He obviously is proving that by his need to show you that he doesnt need you and how happy he is without you. And you dont need that kind of friendship in your life.
Tell him you are so happy for him and that he has found someone to share hif life with. Tell him you feel that friendship isnt such a good idea since you have a history and you both are with someone new. It's unfair to try to stay friends with ex's when you have found someone else. It's not fair to any of the four of you involved. It's impossible to totally keep jealousy at bay in these situations. And since the majority of people cant really be "just friends" with an ex, then likely someone if going to have a hard time understanding why you are remaining friends.
I made this mistake once. It is a long story and I'm sure no one wants to read all that . But it almost damaged the new relationship that turned into marriage for me, and it caused alot of hard feelings. Not worth it.
Sometimes when people are all up in the pink fluffy lala clouds of New Relationship Energy they don't realize how goofy they seem to others.
It seems really quick to me too -- to just jump to another marraige so fast, but take it in stride, tone down the contact with him and let it be what it will be.
Honestly?
My first thought was that he is trying to show you/prove to you just how "happy" he is....and it sounds like he's full of baloney. Almost in the way celebrities constantly talk about how wonderful and amazing their marriage is and how it's stronger than ever....only to divorce 2 weeks later.
If it bothers you, you should probably distance yourself.
i was going to say just that. He's probably miserable, missing you, and regrets losing you so he found a substitute.
I also forgot to mention in OP that I returned the engagement ring shortly after we bumped into each other. I knew I would never wear it in any capacity, as a ring or made into a necklace, etc and felt guilty about selling it. He emailed me soon safter, saying 'It's great, the diamond actually went up in value when I sold it!
Um I think he's full of crap I don't think that diamonds go up in value like that. Either way, what an asinine thing to say. Good riddance indeed!
Last edited by bandit bear; 01-31-2012 at 02:56 PM.
Trouble with Ex-Fiance
Sorry for the long, ranty post.
Sometimes you just have to get everything out in writing and vent a bit and get fresh perspective!! I really appreciate it!
. But it almost damaged the new relationship that turned into marriage for me, and it caused alot of hard feelings. Not worth it.
