Utter misery
 

My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me today. I don't know what to do. It doesn't even feel real. The worst part is, after talking to my mom and sister, I've realized that he's been planning on doing this for a while now. I just graduated and moved home (out of the apartment we shared with 3 friends). He even said he wanted to wait until I was out of the apartment to do it. Which means he's been lying to me for a month. Lying when he texted me, kissed me, told me he loved me. And that hurts the most. I've just been sitting here staring at the wall for hours. Please tell me this pain will go away.

Oh, I am so sorry :( what a scummy way to treat someone. You don't deserve that, no one does! Yes, the pain will go away, but you have to feel the "sad" and then let it out to make room for the happy to come back. Hugs from me and hang in there.

Yes, The pain WILL go away. It may feel unbearable now but you will survive and be stronger as a result. Hugs!

:hug:

A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine. I am so sorry for you. But it will get better.

For now, just try to get through life a minute at a time. Each minute you don't think of him, each minute you aren't crying, each minute you laugh or smile is a victory.

After a while, the minutes are easy to handle...then you tackle hours. You look at life as "this past hour I didn't think of him" or "I laughed through that whole movie for 2 hours"...then you tackle days, weeks, months...and eventually the flame dies.

My friend has been 3 years removed from her breakup (and her ex just got married!!) and she is perfectly good now...even sent them a wedding gift to wish them well.

Every time I remember he doesn't want me in his life anymore I just sob. The good news is I don't feel like eating anything. The bad news is that I don't feel like doing anything at all. I don't feel like I can get through this. I know I have to, but I don't see how. Razorbackbritt, your post was helpful. Thank you.

I'm sorry. Take everything one day at a time. Take some time for you.

I feel like you have two problems that are causing you pain:

1. Being denied love by the one you love, being left

2. Being deceived/lied to by someone you had put all your trust in.

I think it is hard when someone tells you they no longer have mutual feelings for you (1.), but I think it is even harder to have someone you thought you could believe lie to you (2.).

It sort of makes your question the truth of everything. It also makes it hard to trust others in the future. In that way, you aren't suffering from a "mere break-up", rather, someone has made you question your own judgment of other people. You don't know who is telling you the truth anymore. You will also be somewhat afraid of trusting a future partner (though there are a lot of good men out there).

If your ex-boyfriend has such a bad character that he would deceive you, telling you he loved you while telling others he was going to break up with you, then you are a bit lucky that the relationship didn't go on longer.

You are in a bad predicament. I feel really bad for you. I'm sorry this has happened. His behavior was quite cruel. I do believe, because he was so cruel, that you will actually end up only feeling anger and rage towards him and you'll be able to move past the 'sad, hurt' feelings you are experiencing now quite quickly.

So sorry.

I'm sorry for your breakup, I imagine it's very difficult for you. The important thing is to surround yourself with people you love. Your family, friends - people who love you and care about you are the ones who will stay by you forever. No matter what we say you're going to deal with it in your own individual way. All I can say is let the emotion out, come to terms with things and learn from this experience. It will only make you stronger.

I wish I could say something to help you, but I know that time is really the only thing that can work these things out. The only thing I can say, is that there was a man that I was ready to die over...and losing him ruined my life, I didn't want to go on, I didnt think I could ever, EVER get over it. Well it did take a while (the initial blow was 10 months ago)...BUT ten months down the line and I'm over him...I can even see him out and not pine for him or have a heart attack (that one took a while). SO...it WILL get better, it happens gradually, just be optimistic.

Best advice I have taken and given for dealing with a breakup: Do not communicate with your ex at all and remove him from your social networking sites if you are prone to stalking. This is not a punishment for him but rather self-preservation for you. You will get over him faster and more cleanly if you have no contact. Let him know what you are doing and ask him not to contact you. If he says he still wants to be friends (or if you do), tell him the best way to being friends again is for you to get over him fully and that you need space to do that.

A couple years ago I spent a whole month planning out a fantastic all day date for my boyfriend of almost 3 years. He dumped me the morning of the date while we were getting ready to leave and it came out of NOWHERE. I was DEVASTATED. I had NO IDEA anything was wrong. It felt like my entire world had collapsed.

The knot in my stomach was so awful I could barely eat for a week. I cried and cried and cried and moved to dry sobs when I couldn't produce anymore tears. He was my One. We were going to get married and buy a house and have children. And he destroyed all of that and I had no idea how to deal with everything I just lost, even if none of it existed yet.

It does not feel like it's going to get better but it will. It really, really will. And you'll find someone better. Someone who thinks you are more beautiful, more sexy, more intelligent, more everything. Someone who makes your ex look like a pile of crap. I had to take my break up minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day until eventually the pain was gone and I was glad to be rid of him. I know this probably sounds horribly depressing right now, but that's okay! Let yourself grieve.

For me, talking about it until you are sick of hearing yourself talk about it helped. I found 3 people who didn't mind if I vented to them and then abused the privilege. Another thing that helped was google. I googled everything I could think of related to breaking up and read everything. I stumbled upon an article that helped me tremendously about the 7 stages of grief in relation to a break up. If you'd like it I can PM it to you.

You will get through this. Just like dieting, take it a day at a time and don't beat yourself up if you have a bad day.

Originally Posted by Daki:
The knot in my stomach was so awful I could barely eat for a week. I cried and cried and cried and moved to dry sobs when I couldn't produce anymore tears. He was my One. We were going to get married and buy a house and have children. And he destroyed all of that and I had no idea how to deal with everything I just lost, even if none of it existed yet.

This is exactly what I'm going through. We talked about doing that one day. I have no idea why he decided he didn't need me any more. And I'm glad to know I'm not a freak for not being able to eat. I had a bowl of cereal today and it felt like an accomplishment because I didn't feel sick afterward. If you could send me the article you mentioned that would be great. And I've already found a couple people who are willing to let me sit and just vent...I felt bad because one of them looked like she was about to cry, so I stopped.

ERHR, I know that's what I need to do, but I haven't been able to do it yet. I did unsubscribe from all of his updates so I don't see him when I log into facebook. And my sister made me promise to not contact him. She says if he wants to stay friends (like he said he does) he will eventually contact me. But she said to stay away and not say anything to him until I'm ready, so even if he calls me I swore to her I'd ignore it, let him leave a voicemail, and then call her instead. He sent me a message on facebook yesterday and I read it but didn't reply. I'm so not ready to talk to him or see him. Eventually I have to go to our apartment and get the rest of my stuff...probably not going to do that for 2 weeks or so. I want to talk to him and tell him how much he hurt me by lying to me, but I want to do it face to face and I want to do it when I'm ready and able to talk to him without breaking down. I don't know how long that'll take. I feel like I'll never be ready. I keep dreaming about him and waking up and feeling terrible because in my dreams he wants me back. I wish the dreams would stop. I wish I could stop thinking about him and all of the plans we had and the future that I lost.

So on Thursday he sent me a text saying he wants to meet up and talk. Today I messaged him and asked what he wanted to talk about. He said that since we hadn't talked since he broke up with me (um, duh) he thought we should meet and "just talk". I told him that if he wants to drive up to where I live and meet me we could talk. He hasn't replied. I think it's fair for him to drive to me (45 mins away) since he made ME drive down to meet him when he broke up with me. And then my little sister and her boyfriend had to come get me because I couldn't drive home.

I don't know if I want to talk to him. And I don't know why he can't just leave me alone! And since I just graduated and moved home I have no one to talk to now and none of my close friends have gone through this anyway. Am I being dumb to say that if he wants to talk, he can come to me? Should I even be talking to him? I'm so miserable I don't really know what is the right thing to do. Am I doing something I'm going to regret? Should I even care since he dumped me? Why *won't* he just leave me alone???

I don't think you are being dumb at all, ESPECIALLY since he made you drive 45 minutes to be broken up with. That is just not right. I don't think talking to him would be a bad idea, but it really depends on how you feel. Do you think it will give you closure, or make you feel worse? Sometimes it's easier to understand why, and other times it's easier to close the book and start a new one. Think to yourself long and hard about what you really want. If you really want to talk, even if you think it might be a bad idea, just do it. Otherwise you will dwell on what may have been said. If you think it would be best not to, then just send him a text and say on second thought, it's over and done with, and you would prefer to just move on. I hope this is somewhat helpful...breakups are NEVER easy :( :hug::hug::hug:

how are you doing, Musical?

I had something similar happen to me several years ago. My bf broke up with me over facebook...yes, facebook. I was looking at his page and it had changed to read "single." isn't that lovely? I tried to call him, and I got no answer....I had just talked to him the night before and he ended the phone conversation like always, "goodnight. I love you." and then nothing. He finally sent me an email simply stating that he "couldn't be in a relationship anymore" and that's all I ever got. He was the one that cut all ties, and I realize now that it ended up being a good thing for me. I never realized while I was dating him (and for quite a while thereafter) how much of a jerk he really was.

I would advise on the side of caution for any contact. You don't want him stringing you along for any reason at all. If he doesn't want to be with you, then he shouldn't get to be with you at all. I know it is your choice, but I would beg you to please guard your heart.

Bless your heart. I wish I could give you a great big hug.

Remember that a broken heart still keeps beating. You will get through this. Give yourself the time you need to heal and move through the grief process. You are mourning a lost relationship.

It may be that he cares for you. It doesn't necessarily mean that towards the end it was "all a lie." He may care about you, but it's hard to know that you are not in love anymore and have to let a person you once loved and still care about go easy. To be a good breaker upper is hard too. To me that he waited til the end of the apartment thing -- that seems to ring a bell in that direction. He's trying to pick the best time to do a thing he knows that he needs to do but trying to let you go as easy as he can. There is no real best time for a break up. But there's times that are less stressy than others. Smack in the middle of finals would stink!

Have you ever broken up with someone? How did you do it? How would you like to be let go of if you are the one being broken up with?

I don't think you need to drive to see him just to talk. You don't HAVE to talk to him, but if you want to, there's the phone. Talk there.

Perhaps it would help you both have better closure and part on good terms -- to be able to talk about the break up.

But if you are not ready for that conversation, just ask what the talk is for. If he doesn't know -- don't go there when you are emotionally vulnerable. He too needs to learn how to lean on other friends rather than you. You are not the person any more.

And if you aren't ready to have contact with him, say so. It's totally ok to need space to digest and let this level of relationship end before moving on to being friends post break up. That's a whole other relationship.

The "stages of grief" might be something you want to google and learn more about. It's normal not to want to eat, have trouble sleeping etc.

You are going to be ok through this. Really. :hug:

A.

Originally Posted by noelle8310:
I don't think talking to him would be a bad idea, but it really depends on how you feel. Do you think it will give you closure, or make you feel worse? Sometimes it's easier to understand why, and other times it's easier to close the book and start a new one.

This. I totally feel for you Musical. A couple of years ago, just before I took off the majority of my weight, I had a VERY messy breakup with the man I thought I was going to marry. Turns out he had a second life away at school, complete with second girlfriend. It was awful and the absolute worst days of my life... until we finally split, moved him out, and then sent him one final text telling him exactly what I thought of him. I've never spoken to him again. I even got him to block me on Facebook before that last talk, so I couldn't creep him while I was lonely, and I am so glad I did that.

Fast forward a couple of years and I'm happier than I ever thought possible. Not yet at goal weight, but utterly satisfied with everything else. New man who loves me and treats me like gold, who would never do that **** to me, who is just as glad to have me as I am to have him. **you will find a man like that too, and settle for nothing less.**

Obviously I don't know you or your situation... But closing the book and starting new was among my best moves when it came to protecting my heart.

Good luck and warm hugs from someone who's been there!! :hug:

I would think that he's feeling like a pile of sh-t about the break up. He might feel guilty and the fact that you aren't talking to him might be driving him crazy. Some guys have this weird thing where they want to be like the same as before but without all of the romantic stuff and they think that you should keep talking to them as if nothing happened.

Totally fair to make him drive to you. He's the one who wants to talk, it was his idea, let him have that 45 minute drive home allll alone to think about what just happened if you do decide to talk. If you don't want to talk, I'd just tell him "Look, you broke up with me. I've left you alone, can you please leave me alone? I don't have anything to say to you."

Good luck in whatever you decide to do! And in case you didn't see, I PMed you that link I mentioned.

In the past, when a boyfriend would break up with me, I would picture in my mind a heart..well more specifically MY heart and visualize my feelings that way. For example, the week he broke up with you, my heart looked like texas chain saw massacre...but as the weeks and months went by, a healing heart took its place...a few bruises there, a bandaid here, until when I was finally over him, I pictured a perfect, content heart. It always helped me to see how I was feeling..or sort of gauge my emotions that way.
My ex from high school who I dated for 5 years dumped me AFTER he slept with some frat girl while he was rushing in a fraternity. We actually got back together afterward, but it was never the same, and the inevitable 2nd breakup was easy and just proved that the extra time we spent together was a waste of time.
Now, Im engaged to the love of my life, who would NEVER EVER pull that ridiculous **** on me.
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Its hard now, I KNOW, but it will absolutely get better and you will be a stronger person because of it.

I hope you are doing alright today.... ::hug::
As every other female on here has said, I know how you feel. When my ex told me he didn't want to be with me, it felt like I fell down a black hole. Everyone deals with grief differently (and it truly is grief because it feels like someone died with the added pain of feeling like you weren't good enough and that's why they stopped caring about you). For me, I had to embrace the sadness for a while. I listened to music which I felt spoke to me. I bawled my eyes out (mostly while listening to Adele and Florence and the Machine). I needed to feel the emotions that were brought up. I think that we learn the most about ourself when we deal with pain and adversity, but you have to accept and deal with it. Don't try to ignore it or busy yourself so much that you "don't have time to think about it". It will come up sooner or later.

I also suggest looking up things on the internet about breakups. There are all kinds of quotes, articles, etc...that really help.

Take care of you. Try to do small things that make you happy. Get a pedicure. Go see a silly movie. Go read a book in a park on a nice day.

I know it's impossibly hard right now, but try to remember...millions of women have gone through this and made it out whole again and you will too.

Also...

From personal experience, I cannot tell you how much I advise against trying to be friends with him right now...maybe in a couple of YEARS.

I tried that with my ex...I cannot tell you how much I wish I hadn't. It messed with my head so much. I feel like I lost a year of my life trying to act like I was okay with it, but really it was tearing me up inside. Especially when he started dating someone new...I kept torturing myself because I told myself that I really cared about him and it was worth it to try to have him in my life in some way. God, I wish I had blocked his number, facebook, etc... as soon as it was over. I realized I have a hard time letting go of things...so dealing with this was definitely a life lesson I had to learn.

He and I ended up having a HUGE blowout with numbers blocked, etc...if he and I do try to be friends again, it won't be for a few years. I kick myself everytime I think of how stupid I was to do that to myself emotionally for so long.

Sorry for the extra rant, I just know how much pain you are in already and I wish somebody would have slapped me HARD across the face when I started claiming I could still be friends with my ex right after we broke up.

Originally Posted by Daki:
Some guys have this weird thing where they want to be like the same as before but without all of the romantic stuff and they think that you should keep talking to them as if nothing happened.

THIS. He is doing this! WHY would he do this? Why does he think this is okay? Sorry James, but I am MAD AT YOU. I sent him a mad message today. I wish I hadn't. :( But another part of me thinks, why do I give a crap about what he thinks? I don't know. I wish I hadn't done it. But also, it was his first taste of the fact that I'm pissed. So maybe it was a good thing and he'll leave me alone until I'm ready to talk?

It's good to know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. :( Because right now I feel like everything is pointless. Why dress nice? I dressed nice for him. I don't care what I look like, I never did. T-shirts and jeans have been my wardrobe my entire life until I met him. Then I cared about what I looked like. I'm not going to renew my prescription for the pill. I took it for him. I got giftcards for clothes for Christmas...I have no desire to go shopping. I just moved home and I have no friends in this city because I haven't been here for 5 years. I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's good to hear from you guys. :/ It's what I really need. To know that he wasn't the right guy for me and some day I will find someone else...it's hard to believe right now but maybe at some point I will.

As for being friends with him...I think you're right, somethingnew, I think it's a very bad idea right now. Because I'm not over him, so hanging out with him will only upset me. I don't have the strength to tell him to leave me alone though. I'm still afraid of "losing" him, even though I already have. But at least I have made the decision to not go to him or call him. If he wants to talk so badly he will have to come to me. Though I don't think he will. It's too much work. He said when he broke up with me a long-distance relationship would be too much work. Before we broke up but when he was in the "mean" stage (that apparently guys go through because they're trying to get you to break up with them...) he basically said that driving up to visit me wasn't going to happen because it would use gas and that I would have to go visit him. So even though he's bugging me to talk and he wants to immediately go to being friends, I don't think he's actually going to do it.

As far as being afraid of "losing" him...here is what my ex told me when we first broke up. I should have listened to him. But instead I was stubborn and claimed I could do the just friends thing since we both did care about each other. My ex told me that when two people have a lot of history together...and if there ever really was a personal relationship between them, then you can't "lose them" if you don't want to. You always have the option of looking him up in a couple of years. I am SURE that you know people who could get you back in contact with him later if you really do want him to be a lifelong friend eventually. You may find that after a while you don't want to be friends after all. But, if you do still see a place for him in your life later, there will be a way to make that happen. And, if you think that he cared for you in a meaningful way, then i'm sure he will feel the same way.

I wish I had taken that advice. I wish I had just taken some time for myself, to heal and to get over it. Instead I kept scratching and scratching that wound until now it was probably deeper than it had been to start with by the time we really stopped talking.

Different people work different ways, but I would definitely say to be weary of trying to be friends right now. I think it's possible when it's a mutual breakup. But in cases like these where one person loses that feeling and the other one is left in pieces, it just doesn't end well in my experience.

Keep on keeping on...that's what I had to tell myself for a while. Keep moving and let time do its thing. You need to remember that you WILL feel better and this feeling WON'T last forever :)

When my boyfriend left me for another girl two years ago I thought id be done off. I thought I had nothing left and nothing to hold onto. But it was then I began to realize that now it was the time to finally focus on myself. To finally achieve. Oddly.. the morning it happened I was driving to school and told my mom "I think he is going to break up with me and five minutes later he did.

A friend of mine wrote this quote for me and hung it on my wall and told me that whenever I get up I should read and remember my purpose. Here it is:
"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me and accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices... and even though there are some things I can never get back... and people who will never be sorry.. l'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."

Write this down, stick on a wall in tour room or on your door.. and don't forget it for anything. Its still on my wall to this day. We eventually got back together and I forgave him and we have been great ever since. Just remember that whatever decision you make make sure it is right for you. You deserve better and of he wants to talk its all on him mow not you hunny. Don't forget that.

I've decided that on Saturday I'm going to his (former our) apartment to get the rest of my stuff. I'm nervous about it. I'm so torn between missing him and being angry at him. :/ Any advice for when I get my stuff?

do it quick. it's gonna be awkward and unpleasant, and you're gonna cry on the way back.

these things suck. bad. i'm sorry girl. big hugs.

i had a similar situation to what Daki mentioned earlier... my bf broke with me totally out of the blue (later learned he was bipolar... ha!) and i was so devastated i didn't eat for a month. that's right, a whole month. my mom had to force-feed me Ensure/Boost drinks (the kind for sick people that have to be on a liquid diet) and i would force down one or two a day. all i would do was cry, sleep, and chain smoke. when at work i would just randomly burst into tears and would have to go hide in the back for a while... it sucked. real bad. i thought it was the end of the world and i thought i would never get over it.

but hey, look at me. i did. took freakin forever but i did! so you will. my best advice would be to try to distract yourself... spend time with friends, don't stay alone. try to find movies that have zero romance in them (i watched the first season of LOST with almost no sleep in two days that first week. lol) and distract yourself that way. stay away from music because you will find that every single song makes you wanna cry. try self-help books if that's your thing. eventually it gets easier.

as for the seeing him/being in contact with him again. i would say STAY AWAY! he doesn't deserve your friendship (or in any case, not now) and you need to be able to heal by yourself first. it's not gonna happen if he's still in the picture. also, guys have this tendency to try and making themselves feel better after a breakup, by making sure you're ok, but that is so stupid and annoying because it just refreshes the pain for us each time. i had a boyfriend who. after dumping me, would text me every month to check up on me... and every time i would just hope stupidly that it was because he had realized he'd made a mistake and wanted me back, but nope, just checking up on me. i ended up telling him i didn't want him to do that anymore cuz i was still not over him and he was like "what?! you're still not over me?!" like all shocked. that made me fell so much better :/ .... men!

Musical-take someone with you. You need a friend there for you. Keep a journal that way you can voice your anger but not send it. I went through a marriage separation for a year. We are now back together and doing good. I was so broken hearted, I cried all the time, lost a lot of weight and learned alot of lessons about life. A. Do not respond to anything for 24 hours. What you might say today is not what you would say tomorrow. B. Do not share any websites with him. It only hurts. C. Dont count on any mutual friends to stay that way. D. Do something for yourself. Woman for some reason loose themselves in a relationship. Give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. But always keep in mind people do care and reach out to those that do-they will be your lifeline.

oh, the journal's a good one! i remember i did that too :p

Get a copy of the old song......."I got along before I met you, I'm gonna get along without you now!"

My friends and I did this years ago; we had it dedicated to the scoundrel on our college radio station, and it worked wonders!!!

Best wishes; we have all been there.

Okayyyy, so, I decided I'm not going. I want to go when I won't cry in front of him, and Saturday is not going to be my day. If I can't think of him without crying, I won't be able to SEE him and not cry. Le sigh.

I also decided this because of the "no contact" rule everyone talks about. And seeing him is definitely contact. I think I'm going to wait a couple more weeks.

It's okay to be mad. Especially after knowing you invested so much of your time in the relationship to not understand why he kept it going for so long. But don't allow this to emotionally affect you in a way that it drains your energy.

Don't try to put in perspective why it ended or why he was a jerk. Don't concern yourself with questioning why some people do foul things to others. It's going to hurt right now, but eventually you'll be thankful that he has shown his true colors before you wasted any more time.

Talking to him won't help. You may feel like you may get some closure and the answers to your many questions out on the table, but truth is, it's an overrated process. It isn't going to make you feel any better, and honestly, you won't get it in the emotional state you're currently in.

I'm sorry if my words sting a bit, but this is everything I have learned & wished someone had told me. I wish you the best. :hug:

MissGuided, that's what I've been thinking the past couple of days. If I ask him the things I want to know, he'll either lie or the answers will hurt me. I think that if I just stop responding to him I will get over this much easier. If he really wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me. But otherwise, I'm done messing around.

You appear to be a strong woman & know what not to tolerate. Good luck & please keep us posted. :)

I am so sorry about all of this...having your heart broken hurts. It just plain freakin hurts. Everyone has had a lot of wonderful advice, and I just wanted to add one more thought. When you do go to pick up your things, try and take someone with you. Someone who can lend you strength, drive back while you cry, and tell you that you did well, that you're strong (because you are!) :hug:

I talked to one of my guy friends and he said he's seen friends do this to their girlfriends in college too. It's like they want to party and "enjoy" their remaining time in college, and then they realize at some point that they made a huge mistake. And he said guys who do this are huge jerks and aren't worth bothering with anymore. I hurts me to think that the guy I loved turned into a jerk like this, but I think this really is the case. It's more complicated than this, obviously, but that's what it boils down to. I still haven't heard from him. :/ But he's the one who wanted to talk to me, so he'll call me when he stops drinking long enough to remember. >:(

It gets better, I promise you! I've been there and I know how much it hurts, but the best thing you can do right now is to cut contact with him and focus on yourself. Think of your next steps in your life or things you'd like to start doing so focus on that. Space and time will heal everything. Don't let him pull you back in. Guys sometimes like to keep exes around for the fun minus the commitment. Be strong. But definitely tell him how you feel if you need to do that to move on.

He's the one who wanted to meet up, so I'm waiting for him to talk to me to schedule when we will meet. In the meantime, I have decided to take swing dance lessons. :) Something fun to take my mind off everything else. And if he doesn't get in touch...well, eventually I'll have to go get my stuff back from him.

Just go get your stuff back NOW even if you cry. Take a pal or relative to help and get it done.

That way you can not have it hanging over your head any more and can start fresh and not have to think about it any more.

Hang in there. It will get better.

A.