I need some help, or maybe just to vent. I live with my boyfriend and we both started losing weight over the summer. Thing is, he's done losing and I'm not. He's stopped working out and eats whatever he wants (and gained 7lbs back...so that's not working for him!). I'm counting calories and try to plan out my food for the day in the morning so I stay on track, but he surprises me with sweets and then acts sad when I try to turn them down. A couple days ago he brought me a big bowl of ice cream late at night when we were hanging out in the living room with our roommates. I said I couldn't eat it and he looked like I'd kicked his puppy. Today he got me a piece of cake after dinner. He's very sweet to me and sometimes he'll come home with flowers, but lately he also brings a candy bar. I just...I really appreciate it, I don't think he's trying to sabotage me, but he HAS to stop. I really want to lose this weight. I just wanted to share with you ladies, I know some of you struggle with turning down food offers from friends because you don't want to hurt their feelings...it's even worse when it's your SI! Thanks for reading.
Humph. I guess I am having a hard time seeing how this is considered being "very sweet."
Especially with the reactions when you have to turn the treat down. It strikes me as unhealthy and manipulative. But I don't know either of you well enough. Since he was trying to diet however he should be well aware how hard you work at to get where you are so far.
Anyway, I know this is more of a rant on your part and I get that. I hope you can have an honest conversation with him and he will respect your healthy changes - many of which will be lifelong. Something for him to get used to.
I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend is a big guy. We are both 1Ls so exercise time is limited. We both graduated last year and were collegiate athletes so the adjustment is pretty stark. I can no longer work out like I used to so I'm trying to keep food under control just to avoid weight gain....though loss is nice. He's a big dude and former center so his food and exercise *should* be adjusting. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. He continues to eat the way he used to. The way a college lineman is supposed to. This is fine if he chooses to do this; however, he often tries to rope me into it. He thinks we should be eating the same types of food and similar amounts. I know I can't do this and when I tell him so he's always like "uh, you're so small. You're fine. Its fine." Yet...I know if I ate like him, I too would be 280, which is not the direction I desire to go. Lately I've just been sticking to my guns. I commiserate with you though because it is tough when food you really want is constantly being waved in your face by someone you love.
I'm with you as well. I had the same problem with a friend of mine - we're both foodies and we used to like to go out to restaurants a lot. But since I've started my diet I can't eat the same things and she seems really bummed out when I order a salad instead of my usual 3 course meal...
Anyways, the point is: stick to your guns and try not to be swayed by friends, family and SOs!
You have to put your foot down and refuse the food if you want to stick to your plan, or make allowances for them in your calorie count. Talk to him and tell him that you're not finished losing weight and that you would appreciate healthier surprises over cakes and sweets. Assure him that you appreciate the thought, but that he's making it difficult for you to progress.
I love my fiancee, but he's a foot taller than me and never had a weight problem in his life. He can already eat substantially more than me and doesn't understand that I have to eat less than him. He still offers me sweets and things, but understands that when I turn them down it's not because of him, it's because I haven't planned for it (although at this point I just don't have the desire for sweets anymore, so it's more likely that I don't want it).
He just started getting into baking and he can make some really tasty things. I don't eat a lot of what he makes (I'll just take a taste of his out of curiosity), but he understands at this point and sees that my hard work is paying off. He doesn't seem offended or upset and even though he assures me that he will still love me if I gain the weight back (we started dating when I was that weight..) he understands that I want to do this.
The only one that can make me eat almost anything out of guilt is my grandma. Being plump is being healty, in her mind... and she always cooks my favorites. I know that for a woman of her generation cooking and baking is a way to show your loved ones you care, so I don't want to offend her!
I only see her a few times a year, so it's not as if it was my husband or roomate or anyone I see everyday...
YEa, I dunno, I would be pretty upset with my bf if he was doing this. I had a friend who was my weight loss partner last year and we lost a good amount together and then she fell off the wagon. Everytime I would see her she would try to convince me to go with her to restaurants we used to eat and LOVE. She would just pop over to say hi....oh and happen to have a container of cookie dough. It was frustrating because a lot of people cannot recognize that us two had food addictions so we can't be around the temptations. I finally let her have it and she broke down crying saying how jealous she was that I was still losing and she couldn't keep it up. I really tore in to her but thats my style. YOu may not be as blunt or as into tough love as I am so its up to you how you would like to handle it but your situation sounds oddly similar. My friend use to give me the puppy dog looks and the surprised, "But you don't want my delicious cookies that I slaved all day in the kitchen for.." looks but I told her to go Eff off.....then again that's my style. I don't have much regard for peoples feelings who don't have the same respect for mine.
MY advice would be to tell him to piss off but sontaikle had a better way, for most I think, to approach it. I wish you the best of luck, love!
My boyfriend is also guilty of this. After eating a meal, my boyfriend will look at me and say "Do you want anything?". This is the same question that led to me getting to be so over weight. Don't get my wrong it was NOT his fault but before the weight loss when he would ask me this I would smile and say "Like what?". It would always lead to a Mc'D's, DQ or wendy's binge. He doesn't do this to be mean or even to try to get me to eat, I think it may be habit for him.
Like your boyfriend, mine also started losing weight with me and has since completed his goal. Now that he doesn't feel like he needs to lose weight everything changed with us. He will no longer motivate me to do my work out, motivate me to eat right or stay on track. If I want to eat late at night he will simply let me. I know that I have to be strong for myself and stuff but it was nice to have someone there to back me up and help me when I wasn't doing a good job. Anyway, to put a stop to asking me if I wanted to eat with him I had to sit him down and nicely explain to him that when he did that it made it hard for me to stay on track. I told him I appreciated that he was also thinking about me but I needed him to stop. He said he didn't even realize he was making it harder on me and has stopped so far. Every now and then I do have to remind him that I have asked him not to do that but I can't complain since he is making an effort.
I dont want to jump to the conclusion that he is being manipulative. Once, my bf implied I had gained weight (I hadnt, i had just been maintaining for a while, not on purpose) and I was really upset- he got me ice cream to cheer me up xD Not because he was being mean, manipulative, cruel, the exact opposite- he didnt know what to do to help and it was one thing he knew made me happy. I've also learnt that not matter how many times you tell someone you are trying to lose weight, "dont offer me x, y, z", if you give in sometimes, they dont know what the rules are. They see that sometimes x is ok and sometimes x isnt. And they dont know when/why. But they see you enjoy x so when they want to make you happier, x is a tool they can use. And you know, they might have put a lot of thought into getting whatever it is, planned how to get it and thought about your positive reaction- then get rejected. So I'm always careful to say someone is being manipulative, sometimes its just caring in the only way they know, and one of the ways that has worked in the past.
Having said that, an honest conversation might help. Something along the lines of "i love that you bring me things, they make me feel special and loved, but at the moment I am trying to lose weight and be healthier. I enjoy flowers/cards/spending time with you, just as much/more than candy/chocolate/cake, and would rather have that or a hug at the end of the day/when i'm feeling down! And sometimes, when i am offered these things, I find it hard to refuse them. Especially since I think you are doing this to be kind to me and I dont want to hurt your feelings, because i care about you too"
Or something along those lines. Then if he persists you might say it is becoming manipulative or more about him than you (maybe he is insecure about you losing weight etc etc).
Dunno if that helps. Maybe its a load of blah :P Just my 2p anyway
Last edited by Iconised Ghost; 11-22-2011 at 11:47 PM.
That is some people's personality type. Some people are givers (like me). Food and treats may be the only thing he can think of to give off hand. You could try saying "no thanks, I don't want the cake but I wouldn't mind a back rub (or whatever)." If his intention is to give then this might help him feel useful and not like you just shot down his attempt at affection.
Stand up for yourself. Tell him, he has already lost the weight, you not. He has to respect that. As far as him eating "normal" again, not to be rude but he has to realise that this is a lifestyle change and he just can't go back to what the used to eat like. Otherwise, the pounds WILL come back.
Goodluck and stay strong!
Last edited by melodymist; 11-23-2011 at 12:48 AM.
Reason: Spelling :)
I get guilted into eating...?
I just wanted to share with you ladies, I know some of you struggle with turning down food offers from friends because you don't want to hurt their feelings...it's even worse when it's your SI! 
Thanks for reading.
I hope you can have an honest conversation with him and he will respect your healthy changes - many of which will be lifelong. Something for him to get used to. 
