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Old 09-23-2011, 09:35 AM   #1  
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This is a question for the single girls out there that are trying to survive the dating world like me! lol

Do you find yourself liking guys that you wouldn't consider "classically handsome" because you feel like as an overweight woman you might not be able to attract better guys? If you do, do you think this is necessarely a bad thing?

Basically, I have found that I am attracted to his guy at work that I find cute but I realize that the general public probably would not. He is also about 13 years older than me and has a child that lives with her mother. I usually don't date guys with kids or older men for that matter.

Yet for some reason I am attracted to the fact that I know he finds me attractive and I can be comfortable about myself, instead of feeling like i have to apologize for my weight, like I do with most other guys. I do feel a physical attraction to him, as well as mental, but I guess I am afraid that I am unintentionally forcing myself to settle or something?

I tend to be more attracted to a person's personality rather than looks anyways, but I don't want to to pursue something with this guy (especially since we work together) if its for the wrong reasons.

Does any of this make sense to any of you guys? lol
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Old 09-23-2011, 10:27 AM   #2  
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It does, but I have to ask you something - why do you worry if OTHERS find him attractive? If you like him, then go for it. Who cares what others think? If you're comfortable around him, that's a good thing.

If you think that you might be "settling" because of your weight, I would just warn you to be cautious going in. Go out on a few dates, see if you have fun, live a little! Don't commit to marrying the guy because you think he's all you can get, but if you genuinely like him - go for it!
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Old 09-23-2011, 10:52 AM   #3  
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Thank you so much for your response! I have the worst habit of overanalyzing things so hering "just go out and have fun" is always a kick in the butt that I need lol

It's funny, cuz I reread my post and it does sound like I care what other people will think, but I didn't mean it that way lol

I guess I am worried that I am somehow convincing myself to like someone that I might not consider hot, because I don't think I am hot, and therefore shouldn't be with a hot guy...

Sounds crazy right?!? Lol
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Old 09-23-2011, 12:25 PM   #4  
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I like different types of guys, but mostly it's their personality which attracts me to someone. Sure my dream type of guy is the typical nice body, sleeve tattoos, shaved head.. YUM! but never do I question if I'm just settling unless the guy starts treating me badly and the relationship goes down hill and if I don't end it, thats the only time I realize I'm settling. so if your attracted to him, your not settling. Settling is with someone you are not attractive to and continue to be with them because you think you can't get better.

Like stella said go out there and have fun!
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Old 09-23-2011, 07:04 PM   #5  
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I'm not single, but before I was married, I had similar reactions. If you like him, then have fun-- one date doesn't mean marriage, but if issues come up because he's older/has a kid, etc. then don't feel trapped like he's all you could ever get.

I will say on the flip side from someone who has been overweight her whole life-- when I did start to get thin (about a 6/8 before pregnancy, for the first time in my life), even though I was married, it was like I wanted to flirt with every guy out there. My husband is really attractive, and I love him very much (I think I married up in the looks department), but I think all those years of feeling bad about myself, like no guy would think I was hot, etc. just bubbled to the surface. I didn't really act on those feelings, but they were definitely there until I started to get used to the extra male attention-- then it stopped being such a novelty, and I handled it better.

I'm just telling you this in case something like that happens to you, and it may if at the beginning you're thinking he's not all that handsome. As long as he is handsome to you that's what matters, but if you're not attracted to him, it will probably only get worse as you lose weight and start to feel better about your own looks. It's kind of selfish, but I think it's kind of human nature, too.
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Old 09-23-2011, 08:49 PM   #6  
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I do know what you mean. I avoid traditionally attractive guys because I feel like they wouldn't be interested in a girl like me. Though I've always found my boyfriends cute, I would never have looked at any of them and been like "WOW, you sexy thing!" It was more of a personality attraction.

And I've always felt a little self-conscious introducing them to people who I knew wouldn't see them in the same light I did. Like I should be dating someone more conventionally attractive. I've also, looking back after breaking up, been like ......oh...no...

So I think the attraction is as much emotional as it is physical. I did date one mind-blowingly hot guy. He treated me like crap but I put up with it because he looked like a god. *shrugs*
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Old 09-23-2011, 09:15 PM   #7  
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Honestly, I'm not single so maybe I shouldn't answer...but I find that even when I was a size two I was still only attracted to a certain type of guy who wasn't conventionally handsome.
I don't think it's a bad thing at all. In fact, I think that guys should learn the lesson too--it's not all about the physical...attraction should also be intellectual and emotional. Many guys know this but I still feel like the media sometimes emphasizes women's physical appearance way too much.
The only thing I would suggest for your situation is to take it slow. Sometimes appearances aren't what they seem. But that goes for any guy--conventionally handsome or not.
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Old 09-24-2011, 01:18 AM   #8  
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I always feel that those tall muscular chiseled jaw guys don't look at me like that. In my head, I'm still the 13 year old being made fun of for all sorts of reasons by jocks, who were good looking (haha I love how 13 year olds have a looks based rating system...looking at them now they all look the same to me!).

It strikes me as a surprise when I hear from someone that a really hot guy asked about me to my friends. I've even gotten those "I didn't pursue you further because I thought you didn't like me because you seemed cold and uninterested". And the answer in my head is "No, because I feel like Shamu's little sister whenever I step into a room"...

Speaking of men who are not traditionally 'attractive', I was together with a guy for 2 years that even my closest family members used to say they didn't get why I was dating him (looks only...I guess personality too, but it was one of those "Damn his personality is **** AND you could get a way better looking guy too"), men at clubs would come up to me and say "Really, you're dating him!?". And still, he was the most attractive person to me because I really loved him and didn't care about what others thought. To me, they were blind.

It's better to find someone more and more handsome with each day you spend together, and the more that face starts to mean to you, than to be with someone whose beautiful face turns into something you can't even look at down the road.
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Old 09-24-2011, 02:04 AM   #9  
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When I was single I definitely settled. I mean, I had some FWB that were dead sexy, but the guys I dated were always people I was settling for... and I did it because they made me feel like a beautiful princess... when they weren't being cold and distant in public. I finally got fed up and shortly after I met my, now, fiance- who is just perfect in my eyes.

But you know, sometimes you just need Mr. Right-Now instead of Mr. Right. and who know, Mr. Right-Now might turn into Mr. Right. There's no reason to deny yourself some romance and fun because you're worried you might be settling. Believe me, sister, I asked myself the same question a lot.. but in the long run all that matters is how you feel and what makes you comfortable and feel good.
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Old 09-24-2011, 03:34 AM   #10  
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I'm almost a year single now. I've always had guy friends and boys interested in me. I just really didn't want to commit and settle for someone just because he likes me. I want there to be a mutual attration or like.

So last year I let myself get lost in "love" and settled for the only guy I thought I could get. He ended up emotionally abusing me and telling me I'm fat.

Never again in my life will I settle for someone. My next BF is going to be superman
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Old 09-24-2011, 05:38 AM   #11  
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I have to be honest. I DONT date at all right now because of this very topic.I refuse to settle for a guy that I ordinarily wouldnt be attracted to. My usual types are the nba/nfl types so its pretty obvious I cant get them at my size lol I cant deal with having a who thinks I cant do any better. I rather be single, until I drop this weight!
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Old 09-24-2011, 07:35 AM   #12  
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I haven't been single for over 3 years, but I think I can answer your question.

I never really cared about how conventionally attractive my partners were—sure, I had a type—but it was really personality that would attract me to someone.

I did fall for someone just because he found me attractive which is quite a dangerous thing to do. I was nearly taken advantage of and I think that he had sensed that I had low confidence in myself (and thus moved in to try and get me into bed only). I resisted and he broke it off.

It was the first time any guy had really shown an interest in me, so when he broke it off I was devastated. However, as I look back on this years later I'm glad it happened to me because that relationship helped to turn me into the confident woman I am today. I never wanted to be taken advantage of again and over the year following the relationship I decided that I was worth it. I didn't have to settle.

I nearly fell into the same trap, falling for a guy just because he found me attractive. He was a jerk and I realized it early and quickly rejected him.

I also realized I didn't need to be in a relationship, so I remained single for a while and just aspired to be the confident woman I felt I should be. I found some great friends and I had a wonderful time. Eventually the conditions were right and I met my fiancee...back when I was still 200 pounds.

He found me attractive then and he finds me attractive now. The most important part is is that he's attracted to ME—not just the physical me
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Old 09-24-2011, 02:12 PM   #13  
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I flirt.. always have.. I am a huge flirt no matter what my weight is. I am the heaviest now than I have ever been, and the hot guys I flirt with..flirt back.. I don't pursue anything other than a flirting friendship because I'm just not ready for anything yet. A lot of attractive guys ARE attracted to girls by their personalities and not just by looks. I know a lot of extremely hot guys that are dating heavier girls, and girls that are really skinny.. hate it so much.

Guys find self confidence sexy. If you are confident in yourself.. it shows. Guys are attracted to it too.

Also.. don't worry about what others think. If you are attracted to him.. take a chance.. it could be the best thing you have ever done. You won't know unless you try
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Old 09-25-2011, 04:42 AM   #14  
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Just of interest, the matching hypothesis might apply (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matching_hypothesis). So, its theorised that people aim for other people they see as on the same sorta "level" as them. So, we kinda do settle! But, then maybe it can be theorised that the higher we see ourselves, the higher status partner we settle for? Whether that be by looks or by personality or whatever.

Its just a theory though. If you like him, screw what other people think of his looks. Have fun, value yourself, try it out, be safe
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Old 09-25-2011, 10:10 AM   #15  
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I find it to be quite the opposite for me, since I'm the queen of pushing people away. I'm attracted to ridiculously handsome men that I probably wouldn't have a chance in **** with, dating wise.

I agree that you really shouldn't worry about what others find attractive... but I think you also need to know that you shouldn't settle if it's not what you truly want, but what you "think" you deserve. Are you finding yourself attracted to him because you think you can't do better? If so, you shouldn't sell yourself short. You're spectacular, and don't settle for anything but the best for yourself!

but if you do like him, go for it.... screw what other people think!
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