"I'm still not in a place where I can handle you talking about food & weight."
The topic quote comes from a good friend of mine, Lisa, who was formerly bulimic, and is now an active but overweight 5'0" and ~140 lbs. She's healthy (probably more healthy than I am) and in many ways she's doing well; this post is not about her. But she tends to hate when anyone mentions the calorie (or nutrient) content of foods, which I've known for years and avoid doing.
I asked Lisa about this today, and she answered frankly: it reminds her of her own behaviors, of her ambivalence about the 40 lbs or so she's gained in college. For her, the only way to be healthy about bulimia was to stop thinking about weight gain at all.
I was shocked/saddened to hear this -- partly because it means I'm losing a major source of support and will have to be very careful about celebrating my own victories around her, but even more so because it was a heavy reminder of how complicated a relationship nearly every woman our age has with food. Lisa was the last person I'd have expected to have an eating disorder. And she's the last person I'd expect to have to worry about having the petty "who weighs more?" drama with. But EDs are no joke and the dark side to weight loss is dark indeed.
Have any of you had experiences with friends who have recovered from EDs or any of the other reasons why weight loss can be awkward around other girls with weight complexes or a few pounds to lose?
There's this girl at my work who i think has bulimia.
It bothers me when she comments on the weight I've lost, or says "oh you're eating ____ so I'll have it too" then goes to the bathroom for 20 minutes.
Every other comment she makes to me is about weight loss, about how she's lost 20lbs and she doesn't know how, how skinny her face is becoming, look at these recent pictures and how skinny she's become... and it makes me extremely uncomfortable so I don't ever respond, especially when I can tell she's looking for attention and I'm not going to condone the behavior (I think) she is doing.
I was shocked/saddened to hear this -- partly because it means I'm losing a major source of support and will have to be very careful about celebrating my own victories around her, but even more so because it was a heavy reminder of how complicated a relationship nearly every woman our age has with food.
I was nodding along when I read this comment! So true! And then I read it again and thought, what in the world!? A relationship!??? It seems crazy when you think about having a relationship with something that is purely fuel for our bodies, but it's so true and sad ...I wish I could remove my taste buds.
As far as having friends with eating disorders, I don't believe I ever have, or either I've just never known about it.
My friend said that to me once (the quote in the title) I was losing weight and I was telling her about it and she asked me to stop because she was having her own issues. I think we all have our demons when it comes to food and our weights and it sucks when the one person you really want you there for you through all of this can't be.
I've had friends ask me not to talk about my diet/weight loss/healthy lifestyle/etc. for similar reasons. I respect that, because I know what a messed-up relationship *I* have with food, and I don't want to impose that on anyone else.
It just reminds me of what an awful number society's done on women in particular, to make weight loss and eating disorders and the lengths we're willing to go through to look "normal" so taboo.
1/10 women in college suffer from an eating disorder. 15% of all women aged 17 to 24 suffer one. It's one of the reasons I love 3FC so much; it normalizes talking about food, weight, and the incredibly hard work it takes to be slender, and to get there healthily.
This weight loss thing is my own personal struggle, and I try to leave others (except for on here) out of it, but I will admit that's because I've had very negative experiences with others reacting to my weight loss.
But I actually have two really good friends that have issues with food, and issues with my weight loss. One isn't really talking to me right now, and its kind of indirectly b/c of my weight loss, (seeing me is a reminder that she's "failed" at it, so she gets angry at me - she has her own mental issues to deal with)
My other friend has cycled between bulimia and anorexia her whole life. She's constantly making comments about how if she ate that she'd weigh 300 lbs. I know she has a disorder (she refuses to acknowledge it and seek help) but I still get very angry with her. Its funny, because *I'm* the one that avoids talking about food with her. If she could, its all she would talk about - food and how there are skinny b*tches everywhere. I just want nothing to do with it.
You just have to be strong and seek the support where you can and where you know that you won't have such strong negative reactions.
I feel fortunate that I have a place like this to get support because my friends IRL (ED or not) follow different paths. I know there are some friends I can't discuss weightloss or diet/exercise with because a) they can't relate. Period. or b) they have thier own issues. I equate it to politics- I have friends who I love very much, am very close to and would lie down in traffic for, but can't under any circumstance discuss politics with. Sometimes these things- while not a reflection of character- are pervasive enough to just leave out of the picture.
ED's are serious business. I wouldn't hold it against her for being honest about a subject that's hard for her to manage on her own. I don't think it's petty weight drama, but rather a dynamic of her friendship that requires some consideration. I know when I first lost weight my friends really couldn't deal with the support I was asking for, but they did their best. I also learned how sensitive some of my friends are about weight and had to learn how to be patient and considerate as well so I didn't alienate my whole real life support system.
About 2 1/2 years ago, one of my best friends lost a TON of weight (~130 - 150 lbs) and ever since, he's very insecure and constantly saying how he's getting fat and this or that. While he claim to have worked out a lot to lose the weight, my other friends and I suspect that he had an ED, since he really didn't eat much of anything and to this day it's rare to see him eat.
He doesn't really push me to lose weight, and has occasionally offered me tips that helped him, but they seem more like thin excuses of why he doesn't eat normally. When my friends and I approached him with our concerns, he was upset and hinted that me might be seeing a therapist about it, so we let it go.
I guess it's not quite what you were describing, but before I really tried to lose weight, I couldn't bear to hear him talk about his dieting because it made me feel ****ty. I was insecure and felt like every time he mentioned it, he was trying to get me to lose too. Now I understand that it was just my own mind playing tricks with me. I was able to get over it and form healthy attitudes about weight loss, but I can sympathize with your friend because I was once in a similar situation.
ED's are serious business. I wouldn't hold it against her for being honest about a subject that's hard for her to manage on her own. I don't think it's petty weight drama, but rather a dynamic of her friendship that requires some consideration. I know when I first lost weight my friends really couldn't deal with the support I was asking for, but they did their best.
I completely agree. Lisa is not someone who does dramatic things at all; I have one friend (not close, thank goodness) who definitely is and I can tell the difference. This other friend once said, to paraphrase, that I was "telling her indirectly that she is fat" because I turned down dessert in front of her, and she weighs perhaps five pounds more than I do. I thought that was pretty messed up & eating disorder spectrum (not to mention deeply narcissistic) behavior... our weight goals, not to mention our decisions about what to spend our daily calories on, should be our own business.
Lisa, on the other hand, just gets this uncomfortable/upset look on her face if anyone mentions food-ambivalence of any kind around her. I was more saddened by the realization that what I'm doing -- being really conscientious about what I eat -- can still be dangerous if done the wrong way, and is dangerous for other people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michi702
Before I really tried to lose weight, I couldn't bear to hear him talk about his dieting because it made me feel ****ty. I was insecure and felt like every time he mentioned it, he was trying to get me to lose too. Now I understand that it was just my own mind playing tricks with me. I was able to get over it and form healthy attitudes about weight loss, but I can sympathize with your friend because I was once in a similar situation.
And I've felt that way too! When any of my skinny girlfriends mentions how she's out of shape ("Ugh, my waist is 26 inches now!" is a particularly memorable complaint from a particularly petite friend), I also feel annoyed and uncomfortable. It's hard to remember that any woman's statement about how she would like to look and how she feels is not a judgment about anyone else's body.
When I get down thinking about this stuff, I turn to photos of Keira Knightley and Christina Hendricks -- "thinspo" and "fatspo", I guess -- to remind myself that beauty comes in maybe-not-all-but-still-many shapes and sizes. I know what size I look and feel good being, and that's the goal, not to be skinnier than other women. But it's definitely a difficult lesson to learn and re-learn, and not one most women our age remember.
Last edited by lackadaisy; 02-06-2011 at 01:44 AM.
Daisy - I so agree with you! I feel like in life, everything is such a competition. The thing I had to work on most before I could actually start my lifestyle change is accepting myself and losing weight for myself, NOT to fit in with social expectations or make those around me happy.
It was surreal reading your post, lackadaisy, because I have a friend who sounds like the exact same person. Her name is Lisa, she is petite and formely (though that is debatable) bulimic. She gained some weight in college; I believe her high was right at or below 140. I felt like you were talking right to me about one of my best college friends.
I know that talking about my own weight sets her off in unhealthy ways, but that didn't make it any less difficult to do. We're now living continents apart, but it's still difficult to see her struggling and know that she can't be a source of support for my current struggle/journey. I wish I had advice to offer, but I never figured out the best way to support my Lisa and support myself, too.
It was surreal reading your post, lackadaisy, because I have a friend who sounds like the exact same person. Her name is Lisa, she is petite and formely (though that is debatable) bulimic. She gained some weight in college; I believe her high was right at or below 140. I felt like you were talking right to me about one of my best college friends.
Kahokkuri, that's ridiculous!! I actually changed the name / stats of my friend for her privacy, just in case someone we know comes on this site. It must be your Lisa I was somehow thinking of... ESP?
"I'm still not in a place where I can handle you talking about food & weight."
...I wish I could remove my taste buds. 
