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Old 01-25-2011, 11:01 PM   #16  
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If you can live with yourself and he can live with himself, talk to him about it and agree to forget it ever happened. Sometimes locking up mistakes and keeping them as secrets is the better option. I hope for the sake of everyone involved he can see this.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:49 AM   #17  
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No hatred here, hon. You both made a mistake, you realise this, and now you can try and look at what caused this to happen and if you're ever in a similar situation again you'll know what to avoid. Sometimes the only way to really learn things in life is to make mistakes.

If there is otherwise nothing wrong with his marriage and it really was a one time thing, I agree that there's no sense hurting other people. You really should talk to him about this, though. Also, don't beat yourself up too much. You know what you did was wrong and you feel bad about it, but there's no sense in continuing to feel bad about something that's already been done.
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Old 01-26-2011, 01:14 AM   #18  
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OP, I want to say first and foremost that I'm glad you were brave enough to talk to us. You've done something wrong (I'm not judging, you've pretty much said it yourself) and are trying to fix it - that's admirable.

There seem to be a lot of people in the "keep it a secret" camp. As this is a personal opinion sort of topic, I won't knock anyone for that, but here are a few things to consider from the other perspective...

If it were me, and even if it devastated me, I would want to know. Coming clean immediately would be pretty much the only chance at saving the marriage. If I were to find out by accident or guilt-overload x years later, it would be done...because, while I can't call cheating merely a "mistake" (a little too gentle), x years of deception would be even worse.

To keep it from her under the idea that it was a genuine, regrettable mistake and that it would only hurt her...NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO MAKE THAT DECISION FOR HER. Since she currently doesn't know, one could argue that there is no decision to make...but what kind of person does that make you?

A f*ck-up, no matter how big, does not have to define you - but you have to make the choices. Though you have wronged her, if you are truly this woman's friend, would you lie and hope for the best or be true to her and take the consequences of the actions?

On that note, you are her friend, not her spouse. You were involved in the deceit, sure, but you have made no commitments to her. There were no vows exchanged between you and her...but there were between her and her husband. Anything could come of this - she could hate you, but it's actually just as possible that she would look to you for confirmation regarding anything that her husband said.

As long as you are both being totally honest with her and your stories are straight, you could help to save the marriage...even if you lose her friendship over it, you would have done all that you could to help right the wrong that had been done.

...and that, in turn, (your honesty) may help those wounds to heal.

I would advise you to come clean. I understand the genuine good intentions (not just the "keeps me out of trouble" ones) behind not telling her and just living with the guilt...I really, truly do. And while you're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror and knows what you can and cannot live with, can you live with this guilt for, say, five years...only for her husband to finally cave and it all comes out anyway?

I'm proud of you for wanting to make things right...we're all here for you. Good luck.
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Old 01-26-2011, 10:12 AM   #19  
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I'll say this...


My husband cheated on me before we got married. I wish I never knew.
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Old 01-26-2011, 10:51 AM   #20  
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I've spoken with my husband about this in the past to get a guys point of view and he's always said that if it's a one time thing, then it's better to be kept secret. It absolves the person cheating but that's not worth the pain that it causes.

If you can keep this to yourself and move on, then that's the best option IMO. It's all on him to face his demons and move on as well. He has the choice of telling her and ending the relationship (along with friendships too), or being a far better husband.

But, if it was more emotional than it was physical, then there's far more problems.

Good luck hun. If this was one time and it doesn't come out in the open, then the guilt eventually will tone itself down.
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Old 01-26-2011, 11:03 AM   #21  
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I'm generally a lurker here, but I wanted to chime in with my own experiences in hopes that any information I can give might be helpful to you in some way.

First, I agree with many of the other posters here that we all make mistakes, and that being brave enough to discuss it with others and to own up to it is a testament to where your heart is. From what you've posted, you didn't commit this act out of hate, malice, or spite - you, for some reason or constellation of reasons, made a mistake. You're human and imperfect, just like all of us.

And now, the experience I can share with you: my boyfriend of several years cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. I did not know about it at the time. Instead, I found out about 2 years later that he had been involved with his ex-girlfriend for about 6 months after he and I had started a relationship. This was both physical and emotional - sex, exchanging "I love yous", sending her flowers, etc. When I did find out, I was extremely heartbroken. I had a lot of confusion because I knew that the cheating was no longer going on by the time I found out about it, but I then felt like all of the relationship we had had in the meantime (years) had been based on a lie. I felt deceived and ultimately needed to end the relationship.

While my experience is not a mirror-image of yours, I'm sharing this information because I wish that I had known earlier. I don't know if I would have broken it off at that time, or if we would have worked through it somehow and moved forward. But the fact that I had to wait a long time to find out ultimately made it more painful for me and I wish that I had been able to make a more informed decision earlier in the relationship. Generally speaking, the truth comes out at one point or another. Like another poster said, this man's wife should probably be the one making the decision about how she would like to proceed from here on out.

I also wish you the best in whatever decision you choose to make - hang in there.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:34 PM   #22  
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uh, maybe i seem like a piece of **** for saying this.. but i don't think what you did was all that bad. You're not the one who is in a committed relationship, or lying to someone you supposedly love. And so what if you're losing a friend in the woman, friends come and go all your life, really.

I don't see how him coming clean has anything to do with you. He really should keep your name out of it (unless you want to come clean too). There are obviously problems in their relationship, and you were just a symptom of that.

Best of luck to you honey, and believe me- you don't know the first thing about what it means to be a scumbag or piece of ****.

Last edited by therex; 01-26-2011 at 12:37 PM.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:45 PM   #23  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by therex View Post
uh, maybe i seem like a piece of **** for saying this.. but i don't think what you did was all that bad. You're not the one who is in a committed relationship, or lying to someone you supposedly love. And so what if you're losing a friend in the woman, friends come and go all your life, really.

I don't see how him coming clean has anything to do with you. He really should keep your name out of it (unless you want to come clean too). There are obviously problems in their relationship, and you were just a symptom of that.

Best of luck to you honey, and believe me- you don't know the first thing about what it means to be a scumbag or piece of ****.


It's because she's friends with this person.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:50 PM   #24  
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It's because she's friends with this person.
Exactly, and even if she wasn't, knowingly sleeping or messing around with a man who is married or in a relationship is wrong. Not only on the level that you're hurting another female (and let's face it, we all have to look out for each other) but also that it shows that you have a lot of self esteem issues to work through. People don't just get with a taken person because they are bored.

The fact that the OP is owning up to it and knows she did something wrong shows a lot of growth.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:54 PM   #25  
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No judgment here. Just this past week I've done a couple things that make me feel ashamed because my behavior didn't live up to my own standards. I'm trying to be a better person. You know what you did wasn't right and feel bad- my only suggestion is to make a commitment not to do it again. Use this guilt for something positive. Good luck and God bless.
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Old 01-26-2011, 12:55 PM   #26  
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Exactly, and even if she wasn't, knowingly sleeping or messing around with a man who is married or in a relationship is wrong. Not only on the level that you're hurting another female (and let's face it, we all have to look out for each other) but also that it shows that you have a lot of self esteem issues to work through. People don't just get with a taken person because they are bored.

The fact that the OP is owning up to it and knows she did something wrong shows a lot of growth.
Exactly.
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