So tonight I had my first date ever. I feel like such a late bloomer. It was with a guy I had met online. He called me this afternoon and said "hey wanna hang out tonight?" I had posted a thread a few days ago because i was so nervouse about meeting him. I thought he was too cute for me. I was so scared i thought i was gonna throw up. Turns out it wasnt nearly as scary as i thought it would be.
I managed to show up at the restraunt. He was really cute but so nice and friendly i stopped thinking about my looks and just tried relax. After dinner we went bowling. He was giving me all kinds of tips and in the second round i kicked his butt. We hung out and talked for a few hours. He said i seemed like a cool girl. He also said he likes to be friends first before jumping in to relationships and told me to give him a call if i want to hang out again. No kiss or anything. I'm now at home trying not to replay and scrutinize everything i said.
My friends are always saying when you meet the right guy you will know. There will be sparks. I had a good time and no reason not to go on a second date with him. But i'm not sure if i was feeling "sparks". If he hadnt used the words "our first date" i might haver thought he just wanted to hang out as friends.
How important do you think an initial "spark" is? do you think it takes a few dates first? How was it with your significant other?
eeek! whether you felt the sparks or not, that's exciting that you went on your first date i have no helpful advice in this area, because i'm single and have been for awhile, but i would give it at least another date or two before deciding for sure about the sparks. maybe he'll do something that you absolutely love, and you'll start looking at him differently (or maybe he'll do something that seriously turns you off, in which case at least you know for sure that you are NOT interested!)
Well, this isn't exactly my group, but I thought I would post anyway. The first time I met my husband, I thought he was an idiot and an a-hole. Then I hung out with him more (always in groups because I was actually dating his friend at the time) and got to like him more and more. What really got me was the first time I saw him around kids, and he was just great with them. Mind you, I was 21 at the time and kids were the furthest thing from my mind, but that just really changed my opinion of him. So, for me, no immediate sparks, but I think that's perfectly fine since there are still sparks 10 1/2 years later! Good luck to you!
Ape! I'm proud of you! I'm glad you went. This is such a milestone for you and you are going to love every date after this (regardless of how lame they may be). What it sounds like to me is that he was really just taking it slow. If you didn't feel anything right away I wouldn't worry about it but then again this is your first date ever with someone you really know nothing about. So what you can do is to put it in his court. If you want to see him again then say so. If you aren't sure then have him contact you. If he wants to pursue it he'll make the move. In the mean time have fun and try someone else. You don't have to get into a long term relationship with the first guy you date! Have fun girl! Enjoy it!!!
Fist off congrats on your date!!
He seems like a great guy by your description. Especially how you mentioned he likes to be friends first-that is a very smart thing and very hard to find especially when most guys today just want one thing!
Shows he is serious and would be a good long term
I'm not in a relationship at the moment, but the last guy I was in a serious relationship with, I didn't feel any sparks at ALL when I first met him. I had a good time with him and went on a few more dates because it was fun and something to do, and gradually the spark happened. And I fell crazy in love with him, so... it can happen. The relationship didn't work out, but it's not because of the first few dates, that's for sure.
First of all, way to go you for getting out there! It's not easy at all, I know, i'm there....
Second of all, get the book "He's Just Not that Into You". One of the first things he says is that if a guy is interested in you THAT way, **** or high water wouldn't stop him from getting your number and calling you in a decent amount of time. A guy who's into you would not leave it up to YOU to call him....
Just my 10 cents.
I've got a good one now, and he pursued.
misstraveller- I was thinking the exact same thing in my head about that book...and the movie. I had a similar sentiment about what you said. I just wasn't sure about telling her that considering this was her first date ever.
Now that the topic is out there, it is definitely a good thing to realize, that is when a guy is just not that into you. He would have made a plan to see you right then and there or very shortly afterwards. Then again, you could have already heard from him in the meantime.
Either way, go with your gut feeling. If it doesn't seem like he's crazy over you or you aren't crazy over him, move on. Next!!
Congrats Ape85, that must have been a huge leap for you to take.
Now most advice falls on deaf ears for new daters, but I just have to tell you that online dating is fantastic, if you treat it the right way. By that I mean that YOU are shopping for the right man. Don't worry so much about whether he likes you blah blah blah, worry about whether you like him and if he's good enough for you. It's a beautiful thing, because online daters are strangers, so you really have no obligation (like when it's friend of a friend) to play games you aren't interested in playing. You can be totally honest with him and totally selfish and just say "Hey i don't think this is for me. Thanks" if that's what you really think. OR after four dates, it's easier to go out on that limb and say "Hey I'm interested" because if he turns you down, it's easy as pie to NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.
So, sparks. Sparks are fake. Sparks are how hollywood sells movies and magazines/diet pills/fashion lines etc convince you that you are doing something wrong so buy buy buy. There is attraction. There is affection. There is understanding and acceptance. Look for those things. They might hide. If you wait till it's just chemistry, you may have missed out on truly fantastic men. Frankly, any time I've thought it was "sparks" it was lust and it blinded me to other bad things about that guy. Infatuation, while fun, really stops you from seeing the whole picture. I'm not telling you not to pursue infatuation if it comes your way, I'm just saying that might not be the man for the rest of your life.
My man had to convince me to date him exclusively. I was seeing someone else at the same time (which he knew about) and I was basically unsure about him. I liked him and we had a really easy connection right away, lots of banter, great kisser etc, but the other guy had other things going for him. But he knew that he could be better for me, and told me to get off the fence, the worst thing that could happen was I could end up right and get to break his heart. And now we live together in a happy little bubble that grew around us, as I realized that he was right. He goes out of his way to make me happy. So in my case, rational thinking won out over lack of "OMG He's the one", as that was not my first thought about my man. Our relationship grew from me thinking "meh maybe" into someone I could easily spend the rest of my life with.
Go on the second date. You don't owe him anything and you lose nothing by seeing what happens.
There are all sorts of women, and all sorts of men, and just because a guy doesn't pursue with gusto, doesn't mean he's not into you. He could also be a little shy, and by inviting you to invite him "next time" may be his way of seeing if you are interested in him. Or he might want to see if you're independent enough to lead occasionally (more and more guys want a woman to lead at least some of the time).
I also don't agree that one sparkless date is grounds to "immediately move on to the next person." "Love at first sight," is a myth - the only thing you can have at first sight, is lust, and lust runs out very fast if there's nothing else to build on.
Some men and some women also make better second impressions than first impressions, so unless you got a creepy vibe, a second date isn't a terrible idea.
My husband and I hit it off as "friends" immediately, but our first several dates were disasters in the sparks department. We'd talk on the phone for three hours, meet and have nothing to say to one another, and then would get home and talk on the phone for a couple hours.
We talked daily, and went out at least twice a week for a month before we even had one kiss (and no sparks at all in that month). I was beginning to think sparks weren't going to fly at all, but when they finally started, they were the hottest sparks I'd ever experienced.
I think the sparks you grow and nurture end up burning hotter, brighter and longer than the ones you just expect to "happen spontaneously" to you.
It's sure been the case with hubby. With every other guy I dated, the sparks were best and brightest at the beginning and they all eventually fizzled. Hubby and I are going to be married 8 years in November, and we still feel like newlyweds getting to know each other. If we had relied on sparks I don't think we would have had a second date and definitely not a third. I'd say the first EIGHT in-person dates were duds.
If we had met in a bar or on a blind date, or if we had met younger, I don't think we would have given each other much of a chance. Because the truth is in my 20's I did think that sparks were important to have from the beginning. In my 30's I knew a lot more people who had ended up marrying people they didn't like much when they first met. Although the fact is, if I were paying attention I would have known it sooner. For as long as I can remember, I've heard the story of my grandfather coming to court grandma (with candy and flowers), and she told him she wasn't interested and slammed the door in his face.
I met my current bf of 11 months online as well. I had posted an ad, so I had many, many responses and, honestly, there were two or three guys kind of "ahead" of my bf, so to speak. But he was the one who kept calling and texting and making firm plans with me and making me laugh...he was the one who made himself known while the other guys were lazy or just didn't care enough.
So there weren't really "sparks" with him on our first date, especially because he's not my "type" physically (I have always dated, on accident mind you or at least not on purpose, extremely tall, lanky boys with glasses - Jordan is average height, pudgy like me, and wears contacts). But he still won me over, and we've been together ever since with no signs of stopping. Go out with him a bit more and, also, go out with other people if you have the opportunity. A little comparison shopping never hurts.
I was hoping the next update we got from you would be about your date with the cutie.
Everyone has given you a lot of great advice, which basically boils down to Ladies Choice. Do whatever you want, really!! Dating is supposed to be fun. Something guys adhere to, but girls tend to forget.
As for sparks I've had it both ways. Instant and gradual, both are good, neither is an indicator that you've found the right person....(if only )
Also as for the guy leaving it in your court, there's a couple of ways to take that. However, there is a really easy solution, if you want to see him again, but don't want to seem needy/over eager, then you e-mail/text him (which ever way you communicate) the next time your going out with a group of people and invite him along. That keeps with his friends first idea, and also let's you see what he's like around others. But I wouldn't call unless you can guarantee that you can keep your voice light & airy and free of anxiety (not one of my strong suits). Very important ONLY DO THIS ONCE!!! Worse case scenario, if he says no, that's still good too because now it means the ball is back in his court. If he doesn't respond in a reasonable amount of time, go onto the next guy.
I could not have been LESS interested in DH. We worked together at my college job and I was seeing someone who was a jerk.
One night I invited him out and though it was incredibly awkward at first, things calmed down and we spent the rest of the night just talking and talking at a restaurant. When he walked me to my car I flat-out said, "You know, I think I may like you". He replied, "Ok, goodnight!" and turned around and walked away.
Some guys don't get it.
I know that may not have a lot to do with you, but I really think the guys that you have fun with, but are not sure about the whole "spark" thing (which I think is a bit of a farce anyway) deserve a second look. I've felt the "spark" before and it has ended with me realizing that while things may be hot, there isn't a whole else there.
Either way, have fun! If it doesn't work out, it sounds like you've made a good friend.
Congrats on your first date! It sounds like it was fairly successful! I have to say that when I met my husband I thought he had a funny hair cut and I wasn't all that impressed at first. We had fun though and we went on a second date the next night. We stayed up all night talking and both of us feel like that was the night we fell in love. So I don't know if I agree with the immediate sparks theory. I think there usually is a that point of just knowing you two are right for each other but I don't know when that point usually happens. :/
Thanks everyone for the advice. He texted me yesterday and we talked on the phone last night. Today We met after work at a beach and took our dogs for a walk and talked. I had a good time but its till seemed kind of platonic, not even sure if it counts as a date. When we were leaving he said to call him if wanted to hang out again another night this week. He has recently (few months ago) gotten out of a 7 year relationship. So I guess thats why he wants to be friends first. Im trying not to analyze it that much. He seems to want to continue to spend time with me so i'll take that as a good sign for now (even though a dark parking lot at the beach would have been a good place for a kiss
my first date ever!
i have no helpful advice in this area, because i'm single and have been for awhile, but i would give it at least another date or two before deciding for sure about the sparks. maybe he'll do something that you absolutely love, and you'll start looking at him differently (or maybe he'll do something that seriously turns you off, in which case at least you know for sure that you are NOT interested!)
