It seems like not a day goes by when me and my boyfriend aren't arguing or bickering about something. He says that I nag. I say that he's lazy. I like for my apartment to be clean and he doesn't care if it looks a mess. We are pretty complete opposites. The only thing it seems we have in common anymore is that we are Christian and are saving ourselves for marraige. We talk about marraige and the future all the time. A good day can instantly turn to crap if I do something wrong and then an argument begins. We've been together about 1.5 years and I love the guy and could see myself with him in my future, however, if arguing all the time it going to be in the future then I don't want that. We've both agreed that neither of us are really happy with the situation but we don't want to break up.
Has anyone else been in this situation? I just don't know what I am suppossed to do anymore.
I want to let you know that me and a boyfriend of mine went through a very weird phase where we fought every SINGLE day over EVERYTHING. It was probably around the 1.5 year mark too. We stayed together though, despite all the fighting and head aches and... eventually... we kind of fell out of fighting. I can't even explain why! We just stopped.
Eventually, we did end up breaking up, but it was because we had vastly different life goals and not because we weren't friendly toward each other. (We're still great, close friends.)
With that said though, you only live once. If you feel like you truly won't be going anywhere with this man, let him loose. But if he's worth suffering with for a few more months, you could always wait and see if the fighting subsides. Have you fought through your whole relationship, or just recently? In my case, we didn't really fight at the beginning of our relationship, and we ended up staying together for 3 years... It was only in the middle there that the fighting, arguing, and bickering became an everyday occurrence, and it did last a bit (one month? Two? Three? I don't remember).
The biggest piece of advice that I could give anyone after my breakup with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years is DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. I feel like there comes a point in every relationship where the "honeymoon" phase is over, and the couple almost becomes each others enemy. The two people in a relationship tend to start criticizing each other ALL THE TIME, fighting, calling each other names, picking on each other. I guess the biggest thing is just try to love and appreciate each other instead of finding stuff to argue about.
Maybe you can just sit him down and have a serious talk with him and let him know how you feel. You guys can have a rule not to call each other names or anything like that. In the end, if you guys are seriously trying to marry each other, I would recommend at least one counseling session. A counselor is a third unbiased party that can help you guys figure out your ground rules.
It took my wife and I that long just to work out HOW to argue...the ways to disagree and get our points across without it turning into a major fight. Once those ground rules were in place, though, our little disagreements stayed just that...little. Before, something minor would turn into a big thing. Now it's just...hey, I disagree with you on this, could we please discuss it? And it ends there without getting ugly, to the point that it doesn't even feel like a disagreement. It's just a discussion!
I think that learning how to argue with one's unique partner is probably one of the most critical skills in a relationship.
As of this coming thursday, my boyfriend and I will have been together for 7 years. We've had our share of arguments, but we've never had an actual fight. Whenever we start arguing, we sit down and just open up completely. We tell each other exactly what's bothering us, and then we figure out ways to resolve them. Sometimes you just need an eye opener.
Do you guys live together? Distance can help too. I'm not saying for you guys to take a break, but maybe live somewhere else for a week, just to cool things down. My boyfriend and I are still in school, so we have a 2 hour distance keeping us apart for about 9 months out of the year. Distance really helps you think about that person and miss every part about that person..even the laziness.
But definitely sit down and talk. Don't nag (as he would put it), but just say that you guys have been arguing a lot frequently, and that you think it would be better for you guys and the relationship if you both just say everything that has been bothering you guys. And that it is also an argue free zone. This is to help, not create another fight.
"Have you fought through your whole relationship, or just recently?"
It's pretty much only been the last few months. Before that everything was great. I guess the honeymoon phase ended and we are in the phase right now where we figure out if we are really meant for each other.
"DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF"
I think that is exactly what our problem is. That's the whole bickering thing we have going on.
"I think that learning how to argue with one's unique partner is probably one of the most critical skills in a relationship."
My problem is that I don't know how to argue. Most of the time I am quiet because I don't ever know what to say back. My bf has an dictionary built into him it seems so I usually sound dumb trying to say something.
"Do you guys live together?"
Unfortunately we do. It's been this way since about October when he moved to be with me after I moved back to Texas. (I met him when I lived in CA) He took a big paycut and can't find a cheap enough of a place. So he sleeps on my couch. Trust me though, he wants his own place. When we both had our own places back in California it was great because we both had our space. I also think because he hasn't made a ton of friends here yet we are always doing stuff together.
I don't think the best thing to do would be to wait and see if the arguing stops. If you both want to stay together then you have to put work towards the relationship. You both have to sit down and talk about the things you are getting in arguments about and come up with better ways to handle them. Relationships are all about communication and there is no man out there that you will not have communication problems with at least a few times. You are both christian, I was raised christian and I think that if you have a church that perhaps you should see if there are any things for relationships there, or someone you could talk to. A pastor or someone who has been in a relationship a long time.
Relationships take work so don't give up unless you want to end it. Good luck!
I had to really learn how to express WHY I was angry. I had to learn how to express it simply with a proposed solution.
I also had to learn how to not hold in my feelings and let them come out as nitpicking and nagging. I realise that my behavior is often a problem, expressing myself in a way that gives my BF a chance.
I think a fight shouldn't necessarily turn your day to CRAP. Arguing is normal, but to that extent, maybe you both need to work on your communication?
And I *do* believe in sweating the small things. I think some of them are important, especially if you're living together every day.
When I got married, a friend gave us a book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It's a good book and in it, the author) the name escapes me), who is a psychiatrist, I believe, said he can tell in the first few minutes of a therapy session whether or not the relationship will last. He talks about "the four horsemen of the apocolypse" in a relationship, referring to how we treat each other. It really makes you look at how you argue your point--do you just need to be right or do you need to make him wrong? The one thing I really remember most about it is the horseman "contempt" which is the first and most serious. If you treat your partner with contempt, your relationship is headed down the toilet. This was a present and ugly part of my previous eight year relationship that I didn't realize I was bringing to my current relationship at times. I nipped that in the bud immediately. You can change the direction of your relationship and make it work if you want it to, but it does take work.
Another great book is "The Four Agreements" by Juan Miguel Ruiz. The four agreements are: be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions, and always do your best. If you live life by these, nothing can touch you. It's very freeing. And it's amazing how every little thought we have falls into one of these topics.
The only other thing I would say is that you need to do what you want for you. If you like your apartment clean, you need to do it for your own sanity, and not expect him to help. He doesn't care, but you do. You are only making yourself nuts by expecting him to care because you do. Also keep in mind that you are getting a preview of marriage here. You now know that he doesn't care about helping to keep the house clean. Are you willing to live with that forever? You can't expect changes after you are married. What are you REALLY bickering about? That's probably not what is coming out of your mouths at all. Are you each getting the attention you need from one another? Does someone feel they are making a greater sacrifice in the relationship than the other and not getting the recognition they need for that? Oops, sorry, I'm blathering on and on!
I just read the book "Five Languages of Love." Basically, the concept is everyone speaks a different love language. The five are gifts (you feel loved when you recieve a gift), words of affirmation (you feel loved when you hear "I love you" and compliments, etc), quality time (you feel loved when your SO sets time aside to specifically be with and talk to you), acts of service (you feel loved when your SO does things for you such as clean the apartment, mow the lawn, do an errand to help you out, etc), and physical touch (you feel loved when your SO holds your hand, goes out of his way to hug or kiss you, etc). Now of course, all of these things are loving, and we can all recognize them as such, but if your boyfriend isn't showing you his love in the specific way that you need, you'll grow distant. And same with him, you probably aren't speaking his love language. For example, my boyfriend shows his love by giving me gifts. I get flowers, teddy bears, jewelry, and other very thoughtful and meaningful gifts all the time. Even just a random card every once in awhile. And I appreciate all those things and I appreciate them even more because I know that's how he shows his love. But the way I feel most loved is words of affirmation. I need him to verbally express his feelings of affection and love. His love language is physical touch (not just sex, most guys would probably assume their love language is physical touch because of sex, but this is a whole separate thing). He needs me to show my love with random hugs, kisses, touching his back when I walk by, offering massages, etc. That's all really important to him just like hearing him say "I love you" and "we'll be together forever" and such are very important to me.
If he isn't speaking your love language, then even though you know he loves you, you won't feel it, if that makes sense. And he's probably not feeling your love either even though he knows you love him.
So make the first move, make an effort to identify and then speak his love language. You said that he complains about your nagging. Whether you think you are nagging or not, that is how he is interpreting it. I don't know the situation, but I'll take a guess that he needs to have verbal affirmation to feel loved and appreciated. So when he's not getting this affirmation or when he's getting the opposite (what he's calling nagging), then he's going to push away. So take initiative in turning that around. Even though there's a bunch to nag to him about, make an effort and find as many things each day that he DOES do and verbally express your appreciation. And be specific. "Thanks for walking the dog, I appreciate it." "I was so glad you did the dishes, it meant a lot to me." "I hope you know how much I appreciate it when you do such and such, it helps me out." He may not be doing much, so you may have to look hard for things to compliment, but compliment any little thing. And of course, verbally express how much he means to you and how much you love him. I bet that once the nagging quits and he starts getting POSITIVE praise, he'll want to do more around the home to get more of it. He'll start feeling your love again.
And of course, it's important to recognize what makes you feel loved. You said you're displeased with how he's not doing anything around the home, so perhaps your love language is acts of service. Would you think "wow, he must really care about me" if he got up on his own and cleaned the living room or something? If so, tell him! Say "it's not just about having a messy apartment or not, when you do such and such chore, it shows me how much you care about me and by taking care of our home." Don't be naggy or confrontational about it, just say it. Maybe attach it at the end of one of the compliments. He may just not know how much it means to you on an emotional level for him to help out around the house. And of course, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. If you compliment him and thank him for every little thing he does rather than nag him to get him to do anything, he'll be more willing to help out.
Anyways, just my thoughts My guy and I really turned our relationship around once we started recognizing what we needed from each other to feel loved. Even though we knew we always loved each other, those feelings weren't being expressed in the ways that were most meaningful to us. Once we each started feeling loved, we were more and more enthusiastic about finding the best ways to express love to each other. And at that point, just about everything is easier to work through.
This is as good as it gets. Honestly. Once you're married and have kids, things will get harder, not easier. You know the whole " one needs to work it out and compromise and understand and talk". It's not meant for young 20-something unmarried people. He's supposed to adore you and love you and vice versa.
In the back of my mind sometimes I think that a lot of the faults in our relationship are my fault. My bf is very affectionate however I am not. I used to be, but back in March I was in the hospital for a while sick with meningitis. He was always there visiting me. After I got out I was always in a bad mood and never wanted to be affectionate back.
Thanks again for all the advice ladies. Hopefully things will get better from now on out.
Honestly i dont think a relationship.. is something your should have to "work on" SPECIALLY that early into a relationship...
me and my sweetie have been together for 6 years this year, we've NEVER had a fight. We don't argue, the most that happens is we talk about something and say one or the other disagrees.. we sit together quietly then think about what it was, then talk about it. We never leave the room, we never say anything anything out of emotion..etc. We have never had to WORK on our relationship, we're here because we WANT to be. Not because we live together or whatever else and its the "right thing to do". People our age shouldn't have to go to counseling to "Work on it" or be arguing alot. Really I dont believe the honeymoon stage should be over either... 6 years, still sit together and say i love you and swoon (BY OURSELFS, ICK TO PDA lol) over each other, attack each other . Life happens and yes, things do change but really you should be with someone because you WANT to be, not because its convenient.
You definitely need more things in common, if you dont have any? Find things.. I never used to be into comic books, but now that is something we share, we dont like the same kind of comic books but we can "nerd out" and go together to the comic book shop.
stellar, have you been to the dr. since your hospital stay for a complete physical? If I read your last post right, you're saying that you had a significant personality change after being very sick (not wanting to be affectionate). Maybe your body is trying to heal still, or something in your blood/hormones/etc may need to be adjusted. Just my two cents--being sick with something as serious as meningitis may take longer to heal from than a normal cold.
OT- Are me and my bf doomed?
I can't even explain why! We just stopped. 
My guy and I really turned our relationship around once we started recognizing what we needed from each other to feel loved. Even though we knew we always loved each other, those feelings weren't being expressed in the ways that were most meaningful to us. Once we each started feeling loved, we were more and more enthusiastic about finding the best ways to express love to each other. And at that point, just about everything is easier to work through.
. Life happens and yes, things do change but really you should be with someone because you WANT to be, not because its convenient.
