Oh my gosh girls, I am almost teary eyed after reading all the posts. So glad to know I am not the only one who feels this way. I am the only FAT one out of my group of friends and noone understands how I feel. I agree with many of you that I had more self esteem when I was at 270 lbs than I do now. I feel like crap most of the days and went to a wedding last week in such a bad mood because I felt so big. I keep thinking of I lose another 50 lbs I will be happier by I don't know anymore. I just can't wait till good looking guys start hitting on me. I have been the fat friend as long as I can remember. Guys always used me to to talk to my skinny friends. I am sick of being sweet and pretty but only if I lost the weight. I don't know how it feels like to walk into a party and be desired. Or a guy doing cute things to get my attention. I heard Star Jones say on Oprah that she lost the weight to be DISIRED and that is exactly how I feel. I have hit a plateau and have been feeling like crap for three weeks now. Losing weight has been harder on me mentally than physically. I feel depressed and frustrated all the time though I really do try to keep a positive attitude to the world. I am 26 and really really want to get married and have children. I know many girls don't but that's what i want mainly probably because I have gone unnoticed for so long. I want to date good looking men but I dont know how much more I have to lose till that can begin to happen.

I feel ya girls.

fivestone, I was in the Peace Corps. I fell in love, stuck around, and started a business here with my husband.

I love reading these, ladies! It's so reassuring to know that even when I'm feeling my most neurotic, I'm not the only one.

- i have weird thoughts that are stuck on repeat. there's the typical "i'm so fat, i'm so ugly" that plays all day long, but then i also sometimes think "i want to lose 200 pounds" even though i'm only 204.
- A sick part of me thinks it would be totally worth the pain and agony to take a semester off from school, hide in a desert somewhere, and have only liquids for 3-4 months to lose weight as quickly as possible.
- I'm TERRIFIED of everything I've read about loose skin/saggy boobs etc. all i've ever wanted since i was 10 is to wear a 2 piece without a t-shirt.
- I also think that if i reach my goal weight and am still not pleased with my body, it would be worth it to work multiple jobs and live frugally for a year if it means that i could afford a tummy tuck/boob job.
- i derive enjoyment from calling the skinny girls at the gym anorexics (please don't judge me)
- i also enjoy when i'm next to a girl with a great body on the elliptical and i'm working out harder/better than her
-i used to be obsessed with looking at "thinspo," i've tried to "become" anorexic/bulimic, and even though everyone praises the girls with "curves" and butts, i still think the skinny girls are prettiest...
- when my best friend confessed that she had bulimia and went into treatment, i found myself wishing i'd known before she decided to get help so she could show me how to throw up.

i'm working on a lot of these things, and confessing them here feels really good.
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I've always wanted to be tiny. I've always associated it with being feminine, because they always got the attention from boys.
I notice myself judging skinnier girls out of jealousy, thinking they look trashy in those booty shorts It'snot that I want to dress that way, but I want to be able to.

I want to be the leading lady, not always the funny side kick.
I want to weigh less than my husband, which will never happen.
I was happy to get Lime's Disease because I lost my appetite.
I once tried to come up with a reason to get my jaws wired shut.
as much as I pretend to be 'above' all this weight /body image business,I'm at a much worse place than I was when I was younger.
Even tho I'm married, I always felt like the plan b girl, because someone else wasn't available.

aw, that really hit home, i can relate.


another confession is my weird weighing methods

• i get completely naked when i'm going to weigh in
• sometimes i take off my heavy earrings, and glasses, because i think it might make a difference.
• i hold my breath and close my eyes when the digital scale is computing my weigh. And i pray that the number will be lower, not to god because i'm an athiest. i pray to some scale cosmic force, lol.
  

idk, i'm weird.

I have been perpetually sucking in/tightening my stomach at all time since I was in second grade. I'm not a senior in college. That's a long time.lol. I'm not sure what my stomach actually looks like. Also, whenever weight or food is brought up I always get really anxious and feel like everyone is staring at me. This one is probably the worst, but U often compare myself to other people and teammates, thinking well I like her x or wow, i'm glad I don't have y like so and so. Silly, really.

I confess that I'm terrified when I'm done losing weight I'm going to hate my body. I don't know what's worse, being ok with my body the way it is now but still wanting to lose more weight, or losing the weight and hating my body. It just feels that no matter how hard I work at it, there will always be something in the way of me being how beautiful I think I should be -- and I think everyone else will see me that way too. Just not good enough.

This is like therapy! lol

Some of mine:

1. Every time I enter a class/room/party I look around to see if I'm the fattest person there. If I am, I get really uncomfortable.

2. My biggest motivation for losing weight is b/c I'm afraid I won't get accepted to med school b/c I'm too fat.

3. I secretly hope my "fat friends" don't lose any weight (not that they're trying).

4. This goes back to when I was eating really badly...but I would alternate fast food joints so that the workers wouldn't start recognizing me.

5. I have this deep, dark fear that when I lose all the weight, I won't recognize myself or know who I am on the inside OR outside.

I confess that I feel uncomfortable when I'm out with other heavy people. I feel like everyone's watching us and judging us...at least if you're the "fat friend" in an otherwise skinny group, the group as a whole doesn't really stand out.

I confess that I secretly feel smug when I order a salad and my (heavier) best friend orders something super unhealthy.

I confess that being sexually intimate with my ex boyfriend felt like a chore, because my insecurities made it impossible to enjoy. He'd ask me about it and I'd lie, lie, lie.

I confess that I've encouraged my sister, who is obese, to eat unhealthy food, because if she eats it I won't have to see it lying around and feel the weight of the temptation.

Well I see I can hold nothing back lol.

This is really horrible, but I love running into people from high school who gained weight. I LOOOOOVE it. Especially when they say something. I'm always polite/modest and say "Oh yeah, I've lost some weight." but inside I'm like HAHAHAHAHA BET YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THIS ONE DID YOU?!

Granted, a lot of them were pretty douchey to me. Or ignored my presence because I was obese. Sometimes I'd try to come out of my shell and say something witty, and they'd just stare at me with this "Please don't talk" look. It was embarrassing. I didn't become less of a person when I gained weight, but they treated me as such. So, karma is a b*&%$... and I'm a horrible person.

I also use male attention to my advantage. And really, I NEVER had it, ever everevereverever. So I'm pretty enthralled when a guy pays attention to me and tries to help me. Recently I went to Famous Footwear to get new Asics since my old ones were tore up, and the guys in the store went totally out of their way to help me. Putting away shoes I'd just tried on, asking me if I need help constantly, etc. I even had a coupon I found online that said "not valid if reproduced or copied" that the guy let me use anyway. It was awesome, I won't lie.

Ok here I go with some confessions:

1. I too weigh completely naked, in the morning, before eating anything, and after going to the bathroom.
2. At the gym if there is a skinnier person on the elliptical next to me I look out of the corner of my to see how fast they're going and try to go faster so I don't look like the fat out of shape girl.
3. I used to be the skinniest one out of me and my 2 best friends in high school...then after we graduated they lost weight and now I'm the fat friend. I want to reverse that.
4. When my husband and I are intimate I can't be on top long because I can't move around that well to even make it enjoyable from being overweight. How pathetic and sad for him!
5. I keep telling myself that I probably won't succeed, because I've failed so many times in the past...so what's the use.
6. I do NOT want to have saggy skin/boobs when I get to my goal. That's scary.

Now I feel better lol.

I weigh myself every day... and get annoyed if the scale hasn't moved.

I also have a bad habit of staring at myself in the mirror pretty much daily to see if anything looks different.

I take a lot of pictures too. Though not daily... probably weekly. So that's not terrible.

I get so obsessive about this. Maybe that's why I always end up failing in the end... it gets me so crazy after a while...

This is so me! I just did this Monday and ended up hurting my back.

I confess the the thing that REALLY pushed me forward in my weight loss this time around was wanting to make an ex insanely jealous. But hey, it got me here, right?