Losing weight is something that YOU have to do for YOU if you want it. THats personally how I feel. Your boyfriend is taking the wrong approach and I am sorry that you have to go through that and as another poster has said he should be willing to work with you to reach the goal of losing weight.
While I understand where you are coming from, I don't necessarily agree. Weight is only ONE determinant of health. Unless your parents are going to put your future hubby through a battery of health tests, I don't see why they would be moved one way or another over 60 pounds of weight. I dated some super HAWT men before getting married. But, when I decided to get married almost EVERY other aspect of my hubby was more important to me. I hope my daughters are smart enough to go about things the same way.
Weight comes and weight sometimes goes. But, to build a relationship from the foundation knowing someone isn't proud of you--well, that relationship has nowhere to go but down.
I don't necessarily disagree with you but I think you are equating hotness and weight. I'm not talking about not loving someone because they have gained 20 lbs and LOOK different. I'm talking about being concerned because someone is putting their health at risk. Being overweight is by far the biggest *controllable* health risk. Genetic risks (aka the breast cancer gene) certainly do play a role but are out of an individuals control.
I told the OP it was up to her to judge her man's intentions. I don't know if he is being a superficial whiny brat or if he is genuinely concerned. I am just providing a reason - health issues - that someone would be concerned about marrying someone morbidly obese.
I too agree that love is unconditional and should not matter if you gain or lose a few pounds.
I also think that there is some pragmatism when it comes to choosing a mate. Someone that is likely to have expensive health problems (type two diabetes drugs cost $$, as do blood pressure meds and cholesterol meds - all of which are very likely over time for a morbidly obese person. More importantly, the quality of their life might be limited as well as the overall life span. I don't know if I could personally not take that into account when choosing a mate.
I agree with all the other advice - if he judges you, or is not supportive, or has superficial reasons for asking this - dump the bas-tard. You are way better than that!
But if you are just scared and nervous that you might not succeed, and the guy really has your best intentions at heart, climb aboard and lets do this! Definitely do it for you first, not for him. But don't let fear of failing stop you.
To that effect, it might be good to have a conversation with him re your goals (is 60 lbs realistic? will it put you at a healthy BMI?) and discuss how you need his support (not judgment or rules) if you are even going to try to do this.
I don't know if he is being a superficial whiny brat or if he is genuinely concerned... I also think that there is some pragmatism when it comes to choosing a mate.
I would completely agree, if they had been dating less than a year, and were just starting to discuss marriage, but 7 years? And NOW he decides she's not presentable to his parents?
There's a centuries old stereotype that there are girls men bring home to their parents and marry and girls men have fun with until they decide to marry (whom they wouldn't dream of intoducing to Mom and Dad).
Is that the only possibility as to what's going on here? No, but given the length of this relationship, it sure seems to be the most likely scenario. After 7 years, now he's worried about her health? Sometimes men who don't want to get married, will give their gf or themselves an unlikely (at least in the near future) task to complete first - "not until you lose weight," or "not until I have a better job or get a promotion".... but that doesn't seem likely in this case, as he seems to have a near date in mind. It also could be a way to get her to dump him, so he doesn't have to dump her.
It's also quite common among men who are sexually attracted to larger women to be ashamed of that preference. They may marry a thin wife, and have affairs with larger women. Or they may date larger women and pressure them to lose weight (ironically losing interest in them, if they succeed).
I don't buy the "for her own good," or the pragmatic "this is the kind of person I want to be with," angles because the relationship is 7 years old. The time to make those decisions is ideally before the first date - but DEFINITELY before 7 YEARS and before marriage is even considered, let alone discussed.
My advice to anyone, male or female - if you plan on marrying some day, never date a person you would never consider marrying. As soon as you discover that a bf or gf has a trait that you could never accept in a life-mate (and especially someone you wouldn't introduce to your family unless they changed), or if you discover that you have a trait that the other person could never accept in a spouse, then end the relationship immediately. No good can come of dating someone you believe is "not good enough to marry," and it's even worse to be someone else's "not good enough to marry." At least when you do the choosing, it doesn't rip your self-esteem to shreds, knowing that you're "not good enough" for someone that you do consider wonderful.
Saying that you have to be "presentable" to them kind of tells us that you have never met his parents? I myself even find this odd that in the 7 years you've both been together you've never met them. Yes perhaps you are both from different countries....I am just guessing that but if so and you have never met his parents was there always some excuse as to why? Has he been embaressed of you all along?
I would have felt like I was slapped if my bf had said this. I cannot IMAGINE being with someone who would hold that ultimatum over me.
Perhaps he is from a very fit and active family like someone mentioned earlier....however that doesn't give him the right to put any kind of pressure on you about your weight.
You need to lose weight for YOU...not for him...his family and a marriage. What happens if you go down in bra sizes..have stretchy skin, etc ?? You suddenly need breast implants and plastic surgery? ( TRUST ME..both have occured to myself).
Have you stood up to him and told him how you felt? Have you told him that he has no right to put these demands on you? That if he truly loves you he shouldn't care what his family thinks?
I think you're both way too young for this marriage and you are definitely too young for this type of pressure...actually you should NEVER have this pressure no matter what age you are.
I hope that some day you WILL find someone who is worthy of calling himself your husband! Not with someone who you're around for 7 years and then finally decides that they're too embaressed to be with you.
Last edited by angelanicole23; 10-07-2009 at 08:32 PM.
Thank you, Kaplods, for giving the perfect voice to my sputtering rage.
OP, DTMFA. You deserve LOVE - real love, that is not conditional upon your weight. I met my husband at 240 pounds and married him at 330 and now I'm 292. He was 220 when we met, 300 when we married, and 280 now. I'm irriated that we both gained so much weight in college/while dating, but we're losing it now and it doesn't make either of us unworthy of love.
You are worthy of real love. OP, your post had every warning bell in my head ringing so loud it woke the neighbors.
Girl...what if you were to GAIN weight later on, after kids, would he leave you??? He should ATLEAST just encourage you not tell you, do it or to bad. I gained70lbs from pregnancy, 4 years later i still have it. My boyfriend love me unconditially. He does motivate me and pressure me a bit because I have been telling him for 4 years that im tired of being fat, and im gonna start my diet. Hes tired of seeing me unhappy, he motivates me and tells me to do this for MYSELF and NO ONE ELSE that he wants to see me happy but even if I stay this weight forever that he will always love me, and just wants ME to be happy. He sees all the clothes in my closet that i want to wear. Hes my motivation and is never rude about it. My man is only 140lbs, muscular, im like 1 1/2 times his size!!!!! You deserve better!!!
I think the fact that you're even posting this says that your gut is screaming at you, and you already know that what he's suggesting is wrong.
You're still young, and while you've already invested 7 years in it...I'd hate to see you waste anymore of your precious time on someone who doesn't love you enough to present you to his parents as the beautiful person you already are, and the one he fell in love with.
Always follow your instincts...you deserve better than to be a trophy for someone's mom and dad.
Good luck!!
I hear that a lot, that women feel they are too large to get married - and I don`t understand it. I don`t understand how much emphasis people put on their wedding day, anyway - it`s the years of marriage that count, not the day you actually tie the knot. I know that most women disagree but to me, the wedding itself is just not as important.
If you set a wedding date now and really set your heart to it, I`m sure you can lose part of those 60lb, but I would not postpone marrying the man you love for the sake of better pictures!
