This is a little OT but I still believe it is relevant since this is a support group and there is a weight issue involved. As many of you know I am one of the few guys visiting these message boards. I would like the opinion/thoughts from the 20 something ladies.
I started my weight loss journey in late 2002 when I was a senior in high school. I was 220lbs and finally decided to take the leap and lose weight because I had never been on a date and was ignored by every girl at my school. I thought losing weight would solve all my problems. So I lost 80lbs and guess what, I went through college and the same thing, no dates no attention. I moved to a new state for a job and thought a new start things would get better. Still after 2 years I’ve had no dates.
The thing is now that I lost weight I look like I'm 15 years old even though I'm 24. When I'm around people my age group they either ignore me or don't believe that I'm really 24. My co-workers are always asking me do you actually meet and girls who are in college or beyond because you still look like a freshman in high school?
It's really frustrating because I looked older when I was 17 and fat than I do now. I'm also frustrated because I believed losing weight would solve all my problems. What was I thinking (rhetorical question)?
So here is the question if you were in a mixed group, knew the others were in their early 20's and saw one guy that looked like he was only 15 would you automatically assume he's not in your age group and ignore him? If he talked to you and told you he was much older would you believe him?
Hey, first of all CONGRATS on losing the weight! Awesome job! Forget those girls in high school. You are a HOT, FIT young man and you need to finally start believing it.
As for looking young, that's a great position to be in! It's better than looking old for your age. I understand it can be annoying when people don't believe you, but why not use it as an ice-breaker, like "Hey, everyone says I look younger than I am. How old do you reckon I am?" Don't get on the defensive if they do guess young, or want proof of ID, just treat it like a laugh. You could always flirt and say "If you date me, it would look like you scored a toy-boy!".
It sounds like some people (like your co-workers) are a bit jealous! Honestly, I think it would take a pretty rude group of people to completely ignore you if you started chatting to them - which leads me to think are you being a bit too shy?
I don't mean to be harsh, but is you thinking you look young is a bit of an excuse not to participate in the conversation? It can be tough putting yourself out there, but if you put more effort into it, I think you'll get more back. If people are rude, that's their problem. They are obviously nasty, shallow people and you don't want to talk to them anyway.
But honestly, you've had enough guts to lose so much weight, now get cracking with all that extra confidence that comes with it. Talk to people! Make a joke! Don't stand back and LET yourself be ignored. If people say stuff about your age, just make a joke about it - if they are nasty, thow it back in their face - "Oh sorry, I'll just run along to the 'looks-young-for-their-age' meeting, I didn't realise I'd stumbled across the 'I-get-off-on-putting-other-people-down' meeting..."
I'm not a 20-something, but I've always looked younger than my years. A few ideas for looking your age:
* wardrobe/grooming--deliberately choose clothes and accessories (e.g., shoes!) that are a little "older" and steer clear of anything ripped, worn, or otherwise untidy; make sure your hair (facial and on top of your head) is trimmed; go for a more classic than trendy look (even weekend wear of a clean pair of jeans and sneakers with a lightly pressed shirt is ahead of the game for most guys)
* manners--women tend to like polite men, even men who are a little old-fashioned in their manners; I'm not talking about actual social beliefs on men/women's roles in society; I'm suggesting holding the door for women, helping women with their coats, walking on the outside of the street, etc.; very subtle, very powerful
* confidence and positive thinking--most women (I would even say ALL women) like confident men; be kind, look for the good in people and situations, be confident in what you've accomplished, learn to listen to women (if you haven't already--that's a very attractive quality in anyone, and all too rare), learn how to speak your mind/stand up for yourself and your values without giving offense
* look for the right sort of girl--if people are ignoring you, let them and don't try to force your way in; that comes off as desperate; instead join groups that are active (thinking physically active here--like hiking groups--those groups tend to attract healthy, energetic people) and let friendships and relationships grow naturally
These are the sorts of things that make me look twice at *anyone*. (Now if I could just take my own advice!)
* manners--women tend to like polite men, even men who are a little old-fashioned in their manners; I'm not talking about actual social beliefs on men/women's roles in society; I'm suggesting holding the door for women, helping women with their coats, walking on the outside of the street, etc.; very subtle, very powerful
Not only powerful and attractive, but also makes you look and seem ... older!
All of mags advice is great.
As far as believing what age you say you are, I don't see why not. I'm assuming I'd be meeting you in some kind of context. I'd know someone who knows you, there'd be some connection to work, etc. In a vacuum, probably no, I wouldn't. But I also wouldn't go out with a man I had no other contextual connection to anyway, so it's a moot point!
It's not fair you have to act older just to be taken for your age, but it's probably true. Kinda like it's not fair what some of us have to do to get and maintain a healthy weight. But we do it.
If you post a picture, Im sure all the ladies here would love giving you pointers on how to look your age. As for if I would date someone who looked young, it depends. I don't date purely on looks alone. Im not going to lie, they do matter (and anyone who tells you differently is lieing, but different looks appeal to different people). I would have to assess how you act and a little more about your character. Try to asses how you act. Is your idea that you look too young being projected to the ladies and making it more obvious? Are you confident in yourself? Are you outgoing and fun? Do you smile a lot? You might snag a ladie by just liking yourself more. When you are confident others pick up on it and like to be around you. When a ladie likes to be around you, then she will date you.
* wardrobe/grooming--deliberately choose clothes and accessories (e.g., shoes!) that are a little "older" and steer clear of anything ripped, worn, or otherwise untidy; make sure your hair (facial and on top of your head) is trimmed; go for a more classic than trendy look (even weekend wear of a clean pair of jeans and sneakers with a lightly pressed shirt is ahead of the game for most guys)
* manners--women tend to like polite men, even men who are a little old-fashioned in their manners; I'm not talking about actual social beliefs on men/women's roles in society; I'm suggesting holding the door for women, helping women with their coats, walking on the outside of the street, etc.; very subtle, very powerful
* confidence and positive thinking--most women (I would even say ALL women) like confident men; be kind, look for the good in people and situations, be confident in what you've accomplished, learn to listen to women (if you haven't already--that's a very attractive quality in anyone, and all too rare), learn how to speak your mind/stand up for yourself and your values without giving offense
* look for the right sort of girl--if people are ignoring you, let them and don't try to force your way in; that comes off as desperate; instead join groups that are active (thinking physically active here--like hiking groups--those groups tend to attract healthy, energetic people) and let friendships and relationships grow naturally
This. 100% this. ESPECIALLY confidence - if you don't believe in yourself, then how can a girl believe in you? Now, I'm a 20 year old that still looks like I'm 16, so I have the same problem. And I prefer a skinny guy, so don't be guilty about weight loss! But the most important thing to every girl I know is confidence - even just a little bit.
Confidence is not a problem; most would same I'm over confident.
I'm not overly out going but definitely not shy
My co-workers are definitely not jealous that I look younger. Not many 20 year olds get jealous by somebody who looks a lot younger than them because its not something the want at that age.
Fashion could be an issue. I don't "get" fashion. I don't wear trendy things that high schoolers would wear. I don't know what I wear and don't really get it.
I’m not going to post a pic because I don’t do that online for privacy issues. The main reason I look younger are:
1) I’m thin with little muscle mass. I have an Ectomorph body type with Slow-twitch muscles which do not easily create muscle mass.
2) I’m 24 years old and I still can’t grow facial hair
3) Finally, I still frequently have at least one pimple on my face. I’ve tried everything and the doctors have just given up. Facial cleanser, antibiotics, homeopathic “cures” have all failed.
Final comment, I don't think people who ignore me are trying to be rude it's just human nature to make judgements.
Last edited by benchmarkman; 08-30-2009 at 01:13 PM.
alright. so I was in a similar situation... overweight through high school and college but I didnt change until after college. no dates. no real expressions of interest. I had my reasons by 21... but I basically closed down shop while dealing with my health/weight for several years. Then I hit 25 and realized I'd basically missed out on the dating scene.
So instead of freaking out -- I decided exactly what I was looking for in a great guy.... then I stopped thinking about it. I keep signing up for new things that I wouldnt generally do... and just pushing myself. Like a month later, I met a great guy - we're dating.
I guess my point is. enjoy what you have now. being single. being 'free' and independant -- everything happens when it's supposed to. The right girl will be attracted to you exactly the way you are as long as you are too (sounds like you're in the right mindset.. so just enjoy life!)
My brother's 22 and looks 15, and he has no problem getting girlfriends. He meets most of his girlfriends through either other friends or his classes. Maybe what you should focus on is making new friends, not girlfriends; once you expand your social group, you're bound to meet a lot of new people who want to be with you regardless of how young you look. (Although -- pointer -- don't make friends with a girl specifically to one day date her; we don't like that.)
As for looking older: I also look a lot younger than I am. I'm 25 and people always ask me what high school I go to. So... I've found that what I wear and how I do my hair really affects how people perceive my age. Try looking through men's magazines and finding looks that you like but are distinctly "grown up." Do you know if a particular length of hair makes you look older or younger, ie. some people look younger when their hair is longer?
One thing to consider, too, is that at 24, your body is still filling out some. I had a friend in high school and college who was like you--looked really young for his age, kinda skinny, etc. We've reconnected over Facebook about 15 years later, and when I saw his pics, I thought, "Whoa! What a hottie!" I'm sure he has no problem finding dates, especially because he is genuinely a good guy. (Also a married guy, so he's probably not LOOKING for dates!)
Sometimes it just takes the body a while to catch up to the brain.
I tend to assume that everyone is within my age group, and highly doubt that 24 year olds would tolerate the company of a 15 year old. I would be quite likely to dismiss them completely because of their attitude/confidence level. Obsiously that's not the issue
For pimples, I have a similar problem at 23 and I find actually moisturizing after a wash makes an extreme difference/ I actually use Vaseline and its changed my face.
The thin thing can be a problem *shrug* and people will care less about appearances as they get older, methinks.
In our age group it really is very difficult to determine people's ages. We just have to wait it out, and at least you'll look better later in life.
Feel proud about your weight loss- you definitely deserve kudos! Perhaps you should start socializing with new people in different places, where you age in terms of manners and knowledge and language, will be evident
Good luck, I think all of us hate hate hate dating and these annoying troubles.
I would probably assume you were younger than them, I would probably not assume you were 15 because that would be unusual for you to be good friends with 24 year olds. If you talked to me though and sounded like a 20 something I wouldnt ignore you i dont think. It probably depends on the girl. If shes going to ignore you because you look younger, do you really want to date her? I think it has a lot to do with how you carry yourself. If you act confident and mature, you're probably more likely to come across as older
I had to lol when you said I could go with a 3 day growth. I've gone for 2 weeks without shaving and you can barely tell only after 10-12 days that I haven't shaved.
Approaching girls is not the problem. Most of the time they won't talk back to me or give me the time of day
Last edited by benchmarkman; 08-31-2009 at 06:25 AM.
I don't think young-looking matters as long I like the guy. if I don't.. well, no.
It's not so much whether they believe you or not, I think it's more about they want to believe you or not. Some might think that having a young-looking guy as a boyfriend is not cool. :P
Ladies: Would you Date?
So I lost 80lbs and guess what, I went through college and the same thing, no dates no attention. I moved to a new state for a job and thought a new start things would get better. Still after 2 years I’ve had no dates.
I think it has a lot to do with how you carry yourself. If you act confident and mature, you're probably more likely to come across as older
