Flirting/Guy Issues/ADVICE - Page 2 - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

shrinkingchica · 03-12-2008, 10:30 PM

Oooh, THANKS for your replies!!!

I so appreciate the reasonings you guys have suggested for his actions and non-actions. It made me think about things in different perspectives.

But, I should have clarified (my fault) that it wasn't his actual home, it was just his friend's place where he was crashing for the night. And a bunch of us ended up going there anyways. But we found a quiet corner......

But, I might see him sometime in the next few weeks (I'll let you know when/if I actually do) and I am nervous as to how it is going to be. My mind keeps running like: "He will probably have come round to his senses by now and when he sees you again he won't want to be anywhere near you." "He probably won't even show up if he hears you are coming." "He probably has a girlfriend anyways and/or has no long-term (meaning longer than one night) interest in you at all." "It will probably be different this time 'round. We won't "click" and things will be soo akward."

Basically all of my negative self-talk boils down to: "No one has ever liked you and no one will. You are unlovable. You are not pretty. You are still too heavy. Your body has tons of stretch marks and scars, no guy would want that. You have had issues with depression/anxiety and weight gain/loss and no guy wants to deal with that baggage. Who would want you? You aren't good enough."

Whoa. That was a lot I had to get "out." Sorry for being such a downer and looking like I have zero self-esteem. I usually fake the self-esteem and confidence when I am out and about. But here I can be honest. And that is how I honestly feel a good deal of the time.
Again, this is not the persona I project (or at least I don't think I do) but this is who I am on the inside.

Help/Advice/Thoughts? I don't even know what kind of response I am looking for from this tangent.

mxgirl737 · 03-12-2008, 10:58 PM

hmm...how old is this guy? and how old are you? That would make a difference, I'm sure.

Guys are really weird. I never know what they're thinking either... like last week I was at the gym doing my strength training. I was the only girl...I felt a little weird because I am chubby, ya know? All the guys were gorgeous. They were around my age 22-26, I'd say... very fit. There was this one guy on the opposite end of the weights area...he was BEAUTIFUL. I was near the water fountain, and he came over a bunch to get water. I felt like he was watching me though. Then I could see in the mirrors (the room is surrounded by mirrors) that he was glancing at me every once in awhile. I started feeling a little awkward because **heaven forbid** some really good looking guy looks at me! I finished my set then went to the yoga studio to do a few other exercises. The studio is huge. No joke... this guy comes into the studio a minute later, grabs a balance ball and sits it down 3 feet away from me (when the room is empty...and did I mention, big?) He starts stretching. Again, I feel sort of awkward... so I leave the studio, go to the main gym and do crunches on a bosu ball and a yoga mat. Again... a MINUTE later he comes out of the studio, sits down on the yoga mat right next to me and starts stretching. By this point, I'm real nervous...I mean, I'm doing crunches. You can definitely see my fat roll. It's not attractive. haha I finished my set and left the gym...I felt like he was following me...and watching me. But he didn't say anything at all to me. So weird, huh?

I keep wondering if I'll run into him again...I haven't made it to the gym lately though because I had to have emergency surgery

...What do you all think about that situation? Too weird? Do you think he wanted to maybe talk to me and was getting up the nerve? ...or just coincidence?

nutrition junkie · 03-13-2008, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shrinkingchica

Basically all of my negative self-talk boils down to: "No one has ever liked you and no one will. You are unlovable. You are not pretty. You are still too heavy. Your body has tons of stretch marks and scars, no guy would want that. You have had issues with depression/anxiety and weight gain/loss and no guy wants to deal with that baggage. Who would want you? You aren't good enough."

Whoa. That was a lot I had to get "out." Sorry for being such a downer and looking like I have zero self-esteem. I usually fake the self-esteem and confidence when I am out and about. But here I can be honest. And that is how I honestly feel a good deal of the time.
Again, this is not the persona I project (or at least I don't think I do) but this is who I am on the inside.

Help/Advice/Thoughts? I don't even know what kind of response I am looking for from this tangent.

Okay, so it sounds like you have some self-hatred going on. While flirting and occassional dating may help bring up your confidence, it's not really probable that you'd be able to be part of a functional relationship while feeling this way about yourself. WHen you feel this way, it forces you to make bad decisions, date people who aren't good enough for you, accept abuse or bad treatment because you feel like you deserve it or won't find any better. I think that you really need to take this time to work on yourself- not your body, you're already there. But you need to change that self-hate to self-love. I strongly recommend talking with a therapist once a week, i know it's been helping me a ton. The self-depricating language and thoughts are only going to further the negativity you feel towards yourself, so start with being nice to yourself and eliminating that language, even if you don't really believe it. Just start really looking at yourself in the mirror and trying to find things you honestly like. If you don't have anything you like just yet, find things you want to like, and start telling yourself that you do.

shrinkingchica · 03-14-2008, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nutrition junkie

The self-depricating language and thoughts are only going to further the negativity you feel towards yourself, so start with being nice to yourself and eliminating that language, even if you don't really believe it.

You are right.

I am trying to be more positive. I put a big sign on the top of my mirror that says: "This is what Beautiful looks like" (which I read somewhere was a body postive thing to do). I do see a therapist as well but I feel like it helps to be able to have dialogue about this with people my own age as well.

shrinkingchica · 03-14-2008, 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mxgirl737

hmm...how old is this guy? and how old are you? That would make a difference, I'm sure.

...What do you all think about that situation? Too weird? Do you think he wanted to maybe talk to me and was getting up the nerve? ...or just coincidence?

*Age difference is like 3years. Nothing really.

*I don't know about your situation......??

Maybe weird, but who knows? Maybe he is hot but socially akward, likes you but doesn't know how to approach you?

shrinkinglizzy · 03-14-2008, 08:17 PM

Shrinkingchica -- check it, our names kinda match.

More to the point, you've really brought up a great topic, here! I have 2 things to add:
1 -- The first time I ever purposely lost weight was in high school, dropping about 15 lbs down to an all-time low of 117 (I was very hungry, very often). Guys started treating me differently, seeing me differently...there was something new going on. This was my motivation for losing at the time -- I wanted a date for the prom! But what surprised me was the real sadness that I felt deep down, realizing that these guys weren't talking to me when I had a few more pounds on me. Something felt off. It was an amazing insight for me at the time, and I just wanted to share.
2 -- Someone already mentioned the thought that this guy might be kicking himself right now for not asking for your number. I'd go with that. Fact is, you have no idea, but one thing I can tell you is that guys turn into big idiot wussies around pretty ladies, and he might have just felt insecure. See how insecurity can be really unnerving?? See how it works both ways??
3 -- Oh, did I mention I have three things to say?? mxgirl -- all's i can say is that my tall and (previously) slender boyfriend loves thicker ladies. So do lots of guys. And I mean, he really does, he's not just saying it. I've never been obese, but I've mostly been overweight, and I've been with a lot of guys, so I assume that those who say that they like an a$$ mean it. Hey, go with it!!

Shrinking, I just want to thank you for your honesty, it can be hard to share like you've done. It is hard to feel so unsure, and no one telling you to start loving yourself is going to make you love yourself. Reading your posts made me feel really sad with you...sometimes I feel the same way. Good luck and KEEP US POSTED!!!

S

DoonieD · 03-15-2008, 12:13 PM

I really think this guy saw you and thought you were gorgeous and friendly-looking. Do you really think guys go and talk to girls they don't find attractive? I don't know any !

At first, when I lost my extra weight, I wasn't really good with flirting and being intimate with boys. But after 4 years of maintenance, I gained so much confidence I feel I can flirt with even the best looking guys around me! Maybe at first, they see what you look like on the outside, but confidence is what win them over.

Don't worry, you'll get use to boys talking to you at random, and you'll flirt back !

Kimmygoal · 06-10-2009, 09:54 PM

I am the worst kind of non-expert on this... Completely comfortable being friendly and direct in the work way... but not much on the personal scale.

Maybe I missed it, but did someone ask you... Did YOU like HIM? That's where you really want to get... Maybe you enjoy the rush of flirting for a while, but, eventually, you want to date someone more than twice....

valpal23 · 06-10-2009, 10:40 PM

ha ha.. I'm turning 25 this month and I've still never been on a date and honestly.. I have bigger things to worry about! I've got a lot of issues to work through though never mind chronic health conditions so thanks for sharing your experiences ladies. hang in there and give yourselves more credit!

shrinkingchica · 06-12-2009, 02:31 PM

Holy **** this is an old tread!!! At first I read it and I didn't realize it was MY POST! And I couldn't remember what guy I was even going on abt!!!! hahahaha but I just recalled who it was but it really is hysterical! Actually though I am glad this was dug up because I am so much more actually confident now and have come a long long way. And this just goes to prove that to me! Lol who knew 3FC threads would be like reading old diary entries...........

blondeblueeyedbeauty · 06-12-2009, 03:08 PM

So we all want to know... what happened?

KnitALisa · 06-12-2009, 05:12 PM

Yeah, dish! Because I can totally relate to your original post. How did you get over the issues and insecurities? Did you just need time to adjust? Tell all!

MiniMo · 06-12-2009, 05:23 PM

Yeah, seriously! How's about giving us a one-year update, Charlotte? Not just on the guy, but how you've been dealing with flirting, dating, self-confidence and self-image issues since then? I'm sure it could be beneficial for a lot of people here to see the change!

starfishkitty · 06-12-2009, 09:37 PM

I tend to agree with Harpo on this one. I used a be a big bar hopper/clubber when I was younger (okay, up until about two years ago) and that was during times that I was fat AND skinny.... and honestly, for the most part... if he'd liked you at all (and even then, it's iffy), he would have asked you for your number, not to go back home to his place. Going back to his place signaled.... *drumroll*... a one night stand darling. Believe me, I know... I had mass amounts of them over the years.

So yeah... flirt, enjoy, etc.... if you really like someone take their number and proceed with caution... but just remember, it's VERY unlikely anyone's going to meet their Mr. Forever in a bar.

shrinkingchica · 06-14-2009, 05:02 PM

Well due to popular demand here is an update:
I never saw him again.
lol anti-climatic I know!

But since then I have been out on a couple of dates and currently find myself in a love triangle which is fun

(I like best guy friend who doesnt want a relationship right now, while my second best guy friend is head over heels for me and I don't feel the same for him). Lovely.

Oh well. At least I have found enough confidence to know that it isn't bc of my looks that best guy friend doesn't want me and that 2nd does. They both think I am beautiful and tell me so. And honestly, having two men who I like very much (in different ways though), and whose opinions I respect and trust tell me in all honesty that they think I am very pretty, beautiful, hot, attractive, smart, kind, funny, loyal, good to talk to, fun to be around, fantasic, great, etc. has profoundly helped me in believing that men can and do find me attractive in more than one sense. They will likely never know it but they have done lots to boost my self esteem in simply telling me in conversation etc how they see me. Its nice to hear that stuff from men you like trust and respect.

Thanks guys! hahaha