Hello ladies, it's me again. I almost feel ashamed, because I am sure some of you have read my story numerous times. My worst nightmare has come true. I have fallen off track and I am having the hardest time getting back on. I'll start with my story in case some of you don't remember me:
I am 22, a college student. I don't ever remember feeling skinny. Although, looking back at pics of me in high school, I would love to be that thin! I started college in 2004. I moved into the dorms, and was about 4 hours away from home. I made lots of new friends, none of which had healthy eating habits or a regular exercise routine. I had dieted throughout high school, and maintained a healthy weight, (even though I always wanted to be thinner). However, once I got to college I began to struggle, I picked up a few very bad habits (FAST FOOD). I am a firm believer that fast food is addicting--it is evil. Every once in a blue moon I would make it over to the gym. I had to set out my roomates gym clothes, actually put her shoes on for her, put her hair in a pony tail and DRAAAG her to the gym. I gained about 30 pounds in 2 years.
One christmas, I overheard my uncle say "casey's getting fat." It didn't really hurt my feelings as much as it made me determined to lose the weight. My highest weight was around 190. I lost about 25 in the summer of 2006, by taking phen phen. It is something that I am not proud of, and I wish I could go back and slap myself for doing it. Even though, I lost the weight, my hair began to fall out, I didn't have my period for about 6 months, and I was too week to do anything. I got up, went to work, came home and locked myself in my room until the next morning. I think this was a very low time in my life. My boyfriend was 4 hours away, my best friend moved to new orleans, and my 2 other best friends dropped out of college and were not speaking to me at the time. This is the summer, I decided to transfer schools and move back home. Although, I miss having my own place and being independent, I have never once regretted this decision.
As soon as I move back home, a weight was lifted from my shoulders, and I made the decision to change my lifestyle. I had already gained about 15 pounds back from the "phen phen loss." So my starting weight was about 180. About a year later (this past fall) I was down to 160. Since then, I have been yo yoing between 155 and 163.
Throughout this entire journey, I have had a fear that I would fall off track and never reach my goal. I am determined to not let this fear come true, but I am having the hardest time. This is my final semester of college, and I attribute a lot of this stress. However, I KNOW I would have more energy and less stress if I would eat right and exercise everyday.
I try to remind myself of how amazing I felt when I was losing the weight. I honestly felt like I was on top of the world, and my confidence was through the roof. I loved the comments I got from other people, and for the first time in a long time, I loved the way I looked in the mirror. Now, even though, I have not gained the weight back, I feel fat again. I feel like I never lost the weight, and I am no longer proud of how I look. This brings me to tears. I know I am in charge of what I put in my mouth, and I know I am in charge of getting on that treadmill, but for some reason, I have lost motivation. But, I want this SO bad.
I graduate May 3. I would LOVE to be at or, very close to goal by then. I have about 20 pounds to go. If anything, I just want to feel healthy again. I want to be proud of myself again, and I don't want to feel like food controls me anymore. The weekend of graduation, we are renting a lakehouse, and a group of my friends and I are going to spend a few days at the lake. I am really looking forward to it. And I am really hoping to be back on track.
I plan to start today. I'm going to get back on track with food today, and I am going to get back on the treadmill. Weather will be warming up soon, and I will be able to walk at the park (this makes exercise EASY for me.)
I will be suprised if everyone reads this, this was a huge post, but I really needed to vent. It helps me. When I was losing the weight, this forum helped me tremendously. However, I'm finding it very hard to keep up with. I'm a very busy girl this semester. I'm going to try to get back in the habit of writing on the weekely chat. I just feel guilty when I can't reply to EVERYONE. I know you girls understand though. If you read this, thanks for listening, it feels good to get this stuff out of my system, and to be able to vent to girls that understand.
Here's to starting over.
I thought I'd go ahead and post my before and during pics for you girls. I hope the after pics aren't very far down the road!
This is the christmas that my uncle made the comment. I was around 190:
The night I found this website, I took before pics, I was around 180:
Me at about 159, I have been yo yoing between 155 and 163 since these pics, and I have lost some of the definition:
My bra was too big, lol, I lost a lot of boobage
After pic of my face, and my wonderful bf:
It's me again :(
Welcome back.
