I've been feeling really alone in this and didnt know who to talk to... so I figured, maybe someone on these forums may have had a similar issue.
My boyfriend, God bless him, and I have been together for almost two years. When we met, I was a very confident size 12. Since we've been together, I've gained over forty pounds. Now, keep in mind that I live in Northern New Jersey/NYC Suburbs. People here are very materialistic, judgmental, image-conscious, etc... The area I live in, I'm pretty sure I"m the heaviest person I've seen. Lots of Barbie-Moms/Trophy Wives. I was raised in a small town in the Northwest, and he was raised here in a very wealthy family. Basically--he's attracted to the petite skinny minis. My massive weight gain has significantly effected our sex life, and not in a good way. He says that we're just not in the "condition" to ...xyz. Or "Meh... it is what it is."
BUT IM NOT OKAY WITH THAT!!! Has anyone else had this issue? Any tips on how to handle it. I'm frustrated with it because I dont feel like I can articulate and be understood.... no one I know has ever had a problem like this. Grrrrrrr.
Ouch! How long have you been with this guy? Is he really saying "no" to you? You're pretty tall so you probably don't carry your weight that poorly.. One thing I don't get, if you say he likes 'skinny minnies', a size 12 isn't THAT small, so he probably doesn't want a Kate Moss-esque figure.. Is he being rude? If so, is he worth keeping around?
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I grew up in a well-to-do area and I've felt the same at times in my life, though I never really had the boyfriend situation..
Well, I used to live with a boyfriend, about a year and a half ago, up until last February. He was also overweight, but still extremely attractive and charismatic. I was very self conscious when we first became intimate. But he made it clear to me that he was "into" bigger women! I was so surprised when I heard that because all along I had been telling myself that I was unsexy, etc. I was not ashamed in front of him after he told me that.
That being said, I do think being this overweight has affected me even dating recently, nevermind sex. I feel too unattractive to even get into romance, and I do believe that many men probably look at me and think... uhh, no way! Anyways, I haven't gotten any since I broke up with the aforementioned boyfriend. And I'm okay with that, really!
Anyways, this post probably wasn't much help, because I sort of had the opposite experience that you did. I do think that sex is much more about the emotional connection than what the guy looks like. Besides, a guy who is good in bed but overweight is wayyy more sexy to me than a guy who is fit as can be but doesn't have a clue.
Any man who's not going to be supportive and loving of you in any condition is not really worth the heartache things like this can bring you. And the fact that he dismisses it when you try to bring it up makes it sound like he's uninvolved and doesn't really care/doesn't want to invest himself in finding a solution or even hearing you out. You deserve to be loved no matter what, and just because you don't physically fit his ideal right now doesn't mean you should be banned from physical intimacy. There are supposed to be other things to love about you too, you know.
I can't relate to your problem... As for me, I'm the one holding us back in bed because I get self-conscious sometimes. DH loves and desires me at any weight, it seems, which is kind of hard for me to believe. I forget that I deserve this kind of special treatment, which feels special but really is just what a good relationship is about – loving somebody for better or for worse. Or maybe that part only comes with marriage, I can’t remember
Anyway, point being, you really need to work with him about opening up about why he’s shut you out of sex. That’s a huge part of a couple’s happiness while they’re in their sexually active years and for him to just blatantly blow it off shows very little regard for your relationship. Sorry if this sounds mean or anything but that’s how I feel about situations like this.
Ouch. I am a little taller than you...and I know I was around 196 in high school and was NOT overly fat. I looked really neat in my clothes. Even when I gained way up...dh always was interested.
I feel for you...You are so worthy of LOVE or loving affection or SEX right now...at your present weight. What condition is he in? I ask because you said he said..WE are not in the condition. To say that someone that weighs 211 in her 20's is not in the condition to have a sexual relationship is downright rude and just mean. Please don't be affected by his attitude. Know that you are normal...and YES it is VERY normal for fluffier women to feel good in there bodies and have a wonderful sex life.
I think the real point is that he's ok with hurting your feelings about it, and that is not alright. People who love you want you to be happy (and healthy) so it's possible he doesn't know it upsets you? You didn't say if he's supportive about you trying to get healthy, or if he encourages you. But perhaps a discussion about what sex means to you in your relationship could help him understand how his disinterest makes you feel, or at least give you a better idea of the state of your relationship.
A side note, the only one of my friends who's ever told me of a problem like this was about a size 4 and adorable. She and her bf were together for two years, and he just never "felt like it." She always blamed herself, and it made her feel really unattractive, but the truth was that every guy she ever met pretty much fell in love with her. She could never understand that he was the problem, not her. My point is.. that it could be him and not you.
My personal experience has been different. I've been up and down but always heavy, and had boyfriends who all had dated much thinner girls before and after. I've never had anyone turn me down, but I've always kind of been under the impression that if we got far enough along to the point of naked-time, they'd already decided they were alright with how I looked. if that makes sense.
I don't know if that helps, but I guess my bottom line is that I think your bf should want to make you happy and confident.
Last edited by WastedThermos; 01-04-2008 at 06:19 PM.
I didnt mean to paint him as a jerk--he's not at all. I mean, sometimes he tries to be supportive and it comes out way wrong and a little hurtful. What really started it, I think, is when I attended one of his company parties for the first time. When I gain weight, I get a little in the face but for the most part it ALL goes to my belly. ALL OF IT. I'm so jealous of the girls that get those luscious booties as they get bigger.... I look like a chicken. Or an apple with toothpicks for legs!!! Anyway.... his coworkers were talking behind his back about how he "must've knocked me up" and it went all the way up to his boss and his boss had to confront him about it "So, I hear you're girl is pregnant. We'll have to redo your insurance information if that is the case"
Needless to say... he was incredibly embarrassed. He is a very tall, average guy. He is right in the middle for the healthiest weight for a man his height. He's not musclely and cut or stick thin, but he is by NO MEANS fat. Anyway... ever since then... we went from having a fun, energetic, adventurous sex life to what we have now. Which is, it HAS to be in our bed, it can ONLY be ONE position, and it HAS to be at night, and it HAS to be right before we go to sleep. And whenever I suggest spicing it up or something... he says "we're just not in the condition to be adventurous right now." or "Once we get in better shape" .... he always says "We" but I think he's just fine the way he is (he's also gained about fifteen pounds since we've been together, but he's so tall, it makes very little difference).
He is very supportive of my weightloss efforts and we've developed a little guilt-free system of accountability for when I want to binge. Where he can approach me and I wont get mad and he wont feel guilty. He loves me very much, i dont doubt that at all. I think he's just gotten a little self conscious since I went from being "curvy" to looking pregnant (Which I do.... I've actually had the Barbie moms rub my belly and ask me when my baby is due.... I had to refrain from punching them)
well my current boyfriend is like that... He wants a PERFECT stomach... that of which I dont have yet. Yes it does get quite annoying and completely kills your self-esteem. Just have confidence in yourself and KNOW you are worth having, whether you are that "skinny mini" or not. He is with you for a reason! You might want to talk to him about it, how you feel. I told mine that I didn't like it when he talked about being "skinny" or looking at really skinny girls. It is actually quite funny... we are the complete opposite. I like blondes he is brunette... He likes brunettes and Im blonde. I like guys with a little extra to love and he constantly watches his weight and goes on diets even though he is 6'1" 175.... and he has an obsession with TINY girls. Oh well the thing that counts is we have an amazing connection with each other.
Last edited by blondeblueeyedbeauty; 01-04-2008 at 07:58 PM.
I'm a 50 something, not a 20 something, but I am going to chime in anyway. His embarrassment is the issue here. I'm sure this was very difficult for him. However, he needs to be proud of being with you - no matter what you look like. Here me on this - this is a critical place in the relationship for both of you. When outside forces (his co-workers) create stress between you, how will you solve the problem? Currently, he is shutting you out, making the rules and determining the parameters for behavior. If your relationship is to last and flourish, you need to have a hear-to-heart talk with him. Let him know you understand how hard and embarrassing the situation was for him at work. Also let him know how you are feeling. You can work this out together. But let me be clear - if he is worth hanging on to, he will come around - he needs to love you and accept you unconditionally - no matter how much you weigh or what you look like. If he doesn't ...
I agree with counting down. It looks like he was fine, until his boss made a rude assumption. He was embarrassed and is taking it out on you. I would say you need to talk to him, because the "at night only, in bed, lights off, blah blah blah" is not what you want.
And about being in shape to be more adventurous, I don't you guys are doing Cirque du Soleil in the bedroom, you're in fine shape.
It's awesome that you guys have a guilt-free system. I need to work on that with my bf. He really wants to be part of my getting-fitter lifestyle, but then sometimes when he points things out I feel like he's calling me out for being overweight. It's a me-thing, not a him-thing.
And, I think that the overwhelming response here has been that maybe you just need to talk to him and I bet once he understands what bothers you, you guys will be able to work towards making it better.
Everyone has good and bad sides to them, and not everyone is eloquent enough to say that they are concerned about their spouse/sig. other's weight in a great way... but I don't this this negativity is okay. I'm in a wonderful relationship of four years, and I AM the one who phrases things wrong. wrong. wrong. I know this isn't okay, and not only have my partner and I made a point to discuss my feelings vs. the words I use = how she feels, it has also improved the communication in our relationship and addressed issues that outside forces influence. Okay, to sum up that paragraph... talk it over with him and be honest without reservations or these negativities will eat you up. This may even help him overcome a few problems he has.
I definitely hear you guys on the communication thing. Believe it or not, there has actually been a HUGE improvement from where we originally started. We were definitely raised in two different worlds. He is afraid to say something that I may not like, because the last thing he ever wants to do is "hurt" me. While in my big mouthed, tight knit family-- you tell it like it is. There is no sugar coating or beating around the bush because that only drags it out and makes it harder. I have to remind him "Hunny, I cant read between your lines, so your gonna have to give it to me straight and dirty." I dont think he is used to having a person in his life that is not judgmental. My mama taught me that you can never hate a person for feeling their feelings, you may disagree with them and it may hurt you a little if its negative about you-- but one should never apologize for their feelings. I mean, I feel like I'm fat and out of shape... so why on earth should I be mad that someone else feels like I'm fat and out of shape?! Sometimes we even joke about it... he likes to tickle and I tell him to be careful-- I dont want him to hurt my fake flabby fetus.
We've discussed our sex life several times. And I will take some responsibility for lack of communication on this part. I cant seem to say much else than "I'm getting bored, its the same thing every time--- its so predictable." I've tried giving other subtle hints as well... but Im pretty sure they're over looked or just ignored. I was just hoping that maybe someone else had been in that situation and could offer some different insight on how to handle it.
I'm a gemini-- I'm a like to try new things. I cant just solve a problem one way, I have to try it a million different ways. LoL... so of course my boyfriend is a Capricorn. Needless to say, our relationship is always interesting.
"fat sex"
I am a little taller than you...and I know I was around 196 in high school and was NOT overly fat. I looked really neat in my clothes. Even when I gained way up...dh always was interested.
