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Old 06-12-2006, 02:04 PM   #1
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Question Facing the Mirror

100lbs overweight!!! Wondering how did I get here...NO One forced feed me. I will be 37 yrs old next month. I was thinking about my struggle,,,its been so long. I first realized I was fat...in the fourth grade. I can remember eating an entire bag of hersheys kisses. And living just down the street from Krispy Kreme I would find pop bottles and return them to get enough money for the 17cent donut. The kind with chocolate, filled with fluffly white creme and a cherry on top. I was never allowed to have candy growing up because my mother said it made me hyper. My grandmother occationally sneaked me a few pieces of hard candy and then put here finger to her lip. shhhhh and then she would smile. The sugar made me happy, my grandmother made me happy.
As I got older my lunch money went to colas and candy bars which gave me the energy to get thru school. While other girls my age where dieting I enjoyed eating cakes, icecream and all the junk food. Once I remember my father saying, " you better watch you weight or you'll never find a husband. What man would want to marry a fat cow! You'll get as big as the side of a house if you don't stop eatting junk." If being thin meant that men would look at me then no way was I ever going to be thin.

Cake was my friend, and it protected me. Kids made fun of me and I heard the grammer school classics...."fatty fatty 2 by 4...." "your so fat...." etc. I was getting taller..kids started making fun of my clothes...my pants were to short and only hit my ankles....."high water ankle beaters...kids would mock" I didn't care donuts were my friend.......
At 14 I started high school.....I didn't realize that over the summer my wieight had fallen off. As time went by I slowly put on and extra? pounds the first time I remember getting on the scale my wieght was 180lbs I was 16yrs old at 5'9 I still would not be considered obese. My dad had taken me to the drug store and weighed me....again he lectured....your getting to fat and whos going to marry a fat cow. I didn't care....my friends didn't care...he seemed to be the only one who wanted my wieght to change...as for me donuts didn't lecture and icecream brought smiles.
I met the love of my life when I was 19 and married when I was 20...suddenly I wanted to be thin for him to be beautiful for him. He never mentioned my extra 30/40 lbs, I avoided the scales entirely...I didn't even own one. We have 2 sons with the first I weighed 227 at the doctors office, I ask is that right? "oh just babyfat." We had moved across the country and I missed my family and friends....but cakes and cookies were still there...a familar friend when I was alone at home. When I was pregnant I knew "I had to eat for the baby" It was the license I needed to eat whatever I wanted!! I "DESERVED" the chocolate...I was going to give birth and I'll need this energy. (funny the things we tell ourselves)
When my second child was born my weight ballooned up to 272 lbs.......My husband was over joyed at the each birth of our sons....he would tell me "your so beautiful, I love you" Some where in the back of my mind I didn't beleive him. How could he love this fat cow!! How could I face the scale I had ignored so long...was he crazy!! As time went on I relized that it must be true..(he loves me)..he never mentioned my wieght....even now after 17 years of marriage...he still says I'm beautiful...even at my highest weight of 299lbs he still said it..."your beautiful........
we were going swimming last week, standing in front of the mirror.....I saw my theighs flabby with celulite my stomach sagging and stretch marks running everywhere like the lines of a wheat field only these lines where all over the place like the plow horse was drunk!!! The back of my arms jiggly like jello....and what about my once perking breast...I thought "who let the air out" I too young to look this old!!! heavens there is no way I'm wearing this bathing suit...."where are my shorts!!!" I found them...my husband called from the other room....."hey hun are you ready to go....." irritated.....I yelled back....."not yet....I'm fighting with this damn zipper" zipper??? he questioned.....the door opened and there he founded me topless and fight with jean shorts.....he smiled "foxy moma" were no going skinny dipping then he chuckled. "dont talk about skinny to me I snapped. He could tell i was aggravated...he put his arms around me smiled and said....your so beautiful. I ditched the shorts, wore the bathing suit...with a wrap skirt of course!! I realized that I don't need donuts, chocolate, icecream, cakes and cream....I'm gonna lose it this time beause losing 100 pounds does not mean I am losing my self or losing my sweet friends it means regaining my health and being strong for me so that I can finally face the mirror, see the real me....the me that he as always seen....he is all the sugar I will ever need! He is beautiful....
Dear friends please tell me about your struggles and facing the mirror.where are you now? I would love to now each of you.....we all have a story...and I hope that mine has inspired you to see how beautiful you are smiles ...........
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Old 06-12-2006, 02:46 PM   #2
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wow, that could almost be my life story with weight, but with a few more ups and downs.
I weigh 100lbs more than I did when I met my husband 5 years ago. He has never told me I'm beautiful - HOWEVER, although he doesn't say it, it is obvious by some of his reactions.. and if I dress up a little and put on makeup, he starts blushing and gets tongue tied... thats all I need to know.
I decided that because I am going to go through alot of changes while doing Optifast, I have to know what is best for me. Losing weight and bettering myself is best for me. I have come to the conclusion that I know I will change (more than just physically) from this experience, and if in the end, my husband doesn't like who I am then, then I'll have to leave. I am not losing weight for anyone but me. I just want my happiness back. I am not my marriage and do not need my husband in my life for me to be happy. Things are really good between us now, and I love him dearly, but I'm not afraid to live my life for myself.
And for me, that is what losing weight is all about. Living my life for me. Whatever comes of this journey cannot be as horrible as staying morbidly obese for the rest of my life.
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Old 06-12-2006, 03:10 PM   #3
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I remember the teenage me. I loved mirrors (or windows) that reflected back a happy, healthy young beauty. Mornings were filled with frantic changing of clothes, not because nothing fit but because I honestly could not decide what I liked better. At school I would scoff at those "silly girls" who constantly asked if they looked fat in this outfit. Dieting seemed like pure silliness.
Flash forward to my twenties. The mirror is no longer my friend but more like that hateful boy in grade nine who taunts repeatedly "you're fat, you're fat". Mornings are full of frantic changing of clothes, mixed with tears as I try to find what actually fits or looks the least terrible. How many weddings & parties have I struggled through (or skipped altogether) because of how fat I look or because nothing fits me.
Lucky me, my husband is wonderful & thinks I'm beautiful & always has. He is 100% supportive even through all the terrible ups & downs of my "depression". I look forward to the day when I look at the mirror with the same admiration for myself as my teenage self had - maybe even more!
Short Term Goal - Back to Pre-Pregnancy Weight

My blog (not just weight related): http://allmylifesacircle.wordpress.com/
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Old 06-12-2006, 03:20 PM   #4
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I recently viewed some pictures of myself on vacation. Even though I have lost weight, I am still fat and the photos reflect that. The part that bothered me the most was my tummy. Well while looking at them, my boyfriend said I was beautiful. It helps that he is supportive in my effort to lose weight even though he has said many times I am beautiful at any weight.

We all do have a journey of our own and my own journey started before my boyfriend. It started when I was young, gaining weight with really not many tools to stop or slow the weight gain down. I was on many types of diets from an early age but all of that has been part of my learning process. At the point when I reached my highest weight at age 23, I realized I needed to stop the process and reverse it. 8 years later, I have lost over 80 lbs mostly within the last 2 years. If it takes me 8 more years, I will lose the weight. Of course it is for me but it isn't just for me of now, it is for the me of the future. I want to live a long healthy life with the ability to be active and that is why I fight the weight battle.
You can't out-exercise poor eating habits.
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Old 06-12-2006, 04:34 PM   #5
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I always used to think I was fat in high school when actually I was in my Ideal weight range. Now I hate looking in the mirror now with my weight over 70lbs above that ideal, the mirror is not my friend and the "camera" is now my enemy. The Mirror still lies to me, I kept thinking I was not really as big as I was, for some reason I thought I looked ok, pictures never lie or so they say. I have to look at my pic and the mirror and reconcile these 2 people, I want what I seem to see in my head at time to be what I really see in the mirror and not just a figment of my imagination.
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Old 06-12-2006, 07:28 PM   #6
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wow, we lived in CA and I had grandparents and aunts and uncles in PA. They had gardens and loved to cook and bake (unlike my mom, who hated to cook). I have one aunt who baked cakes and pies for a cafe. We'd have big spreads of all kinds of food. It didn't seem so bad to be fat then (though my sister was a "normal" weight, popular).

went down 100 lbs in highschool, gained 40 back by the end of college, during my 20s and early 30s gained and lost until I was up to 330, that was a rough time, I had a lot of physical problems. Then I went down about 50. Over several years gained some of it back, then maintained at 300 for a while. Then I got serious, I mean really serious. I was having health problems again, and I was approaching 40.

I don't know if that answers the original question of facing the mirror. I try to spend more time paying attention to how I look physically, to get used to my body and the changes I'm making. I love the changes, the new muscles and seeing parts of me emerge -- like my collar bones, yeah! and hip bones.

It's really important for me to pay attention to how I look and how I feel, and to not be so completely disconnected from my body -- that's how I gain all this weight without being "aware", I guess it can be painful sometimes to make myself be aware. I've been heavy since I was a young kid, so whenever I did have times when I felt attractive, it was always followed by feeling like at my weight I just couldn't be.

Now that I'm older, and have been in a relationship for quite a while, it's not such a crucial issue to be so attractive. I care about my looks, but I concentrate on my health and ability to do things physically.

It's weird, but thinking back, I don't even remember looking in the mirror and feeling like I looked different at even drastically different weights!
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Old 06-13-2006, 02:31 AM   #7
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Last fall I was feeling good and thought I looked pretty good too. After staying in the same weight range for a few months I'm starting to feel big and awkward again. My appearance bothers me; especially the fat tire around my middle.

It helps me though as each look in the mirror reinforces my determination to lose that fat!

How far I've come thus far...
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Old 06-13-2006, 05:15 AM   #8
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I have a different issue with mirrors. If you look at my face in the avatar, maybe you will agree that from the neck up I don't look like I weigh 230lbs. But I most certainly do. I recently realized that, in the past, I would avoid full lenghth mirrors or body shots photos oh and SCALES! I knew, but I wasn't ready to accept it. I went for several years this way. Somehow I got away with it. This is the part I don't get. Not one person in my very social and active life said one word to me about my weight gain. Even now, with the loss....nothing. Like we are ALL avoiding it! My DH is no help, he doesn't just say how beautiful I am he says I'm not fat! He said that 40lbs ago! He's a freek but he's my freek and I love him. I have to stay focused on the # not the way I look. Even if its just from the neck up! I have taken to measuring my problem areas. My BUTT, hips, thighs, and arms. Its easy to avoid your butt...its BEHIND you! Pardon the pun
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Old 06-13-2006, 08:22 AM   #9
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I remember being 140 ( High school) and thinking just how fat I was..Boy if I could just go back now I would have a different outlook for sure!
I also avoided scales.. I have an old set here and that is what I have been going by. I broke down last week and got on the set at my gym.. BOY WAS My SCALES WAY OFF! 20 lbs off.
I have lost 50 lbs but my starting weight was much higher than I thought.
What did it for me was a girl that is 18 years old that lives in a home for girls.. She comes to stay with us from time to time...
Being a teenage girl she buys the glamour type magazines..
It was the Feb 20 issues.. I was looking at them and thought, my gosh I am a FAT COW...
AM I losing weight for the wrong reason.. Maybe to start with..I still have the magazines...
But I can say now I diet to feel better. I love not feeling so tired. (Just with 50 lbs off.)
I know the next 50 lb will make me feel even better. Its like a race with my inner self now.
I am going to win this one!
My hubby is just like yours... He always told me how beautiful I am..
I know he means it.. But I needed to feel somewhat beautiful.
*** Hubby started to diet a month after I did he has taken off 40 lbs***
I would love to have another 50 lbs off by Christmas.
But I figure the next 50 will not come off as fast as the first 50 did.

This is where I am at today.
One step at a time. One day at a time.
Good Luck
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