[Jenaya]

Hello 3FC friends,

I am just struggling. I know we all go through ebbs and flows when it comes to this weight loss thing but I am struggling. When I struggle, I drop off and go into a "beat myself up" place that is not good to visit. So, I am here to confess my situation and ask for some help from my friends (which is a rare and unusual thing for a "I can do it myself" person).

I had been down to 264 before Christmas down from my all time high of 297. Presently, I am at 288 and I can't seem to stop myself from making bad choices and doing little exercise. I am living in a land of constant berating and belittling and the more anxious I get about getting closer to 297, the closer I move myself towards it (insane or what?!? Talk about self-fulling prophecy). I had exercised daily for years and I have just stopped - it started with an injury and has just carried on from there. I was conscious of nutrition and caring for my body and now I just don't seem to care. Yet - having said I don't care, I spend endless hours worrying about the damage I have done to my body and even more hours thinking how useless I am at this and that I will never ever achieve success.

So, my question is have you ever found yourself at this ugly place? I think it is the sink or swim point that I have reached. If yes, please let me know what you did to help yourself. I am only open to constructive feedback because I am completely able, capable and willing of doing the deconstructive stuff.


Thanks for your thoughts...

[Jen415]

Look to your left--that's me standing there with you....yep I am in the same ugly place you are. I have lost and gained the same 10 lbs for months now and it is P*SSING me OFF!!!

Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. Just wanted you to know you are not alone....

[suzisonthemovetolose]

We are with you. Know that it will get better - trust me, I've been there. Just take it one day a time, one meal at a time, or even one hour at a time!

[kayleystar]

We have all been there...I'm still there. Once you see the scale go down a little, it WILL motivate you! It has for me...I kept wondering just HOW I got up to 350 pounds...come on TWOS! lol...what plan are you going to be following? Definately gotta do the exercise, too...not only will it help, but you will FEEL so much BETTER.

[DNR]

When I get in the hopeless frame of mind, I go down into the main lobby of the hospital where I work (a very large state hospital where patients come from all over the country) - and I sit there for a while and just watch people come in and out. You see everything from small children with cancer, people with body parts amputated, severely mentally challenged patients, elderly people who are barely struggling to stay alive, and people in every size imaginable. I immediately stop the pity party I'm having for myself. Most of those people can't do anything about their condition, but we can. We have the power to do it and we have to get back to the right frame of mind, in whatever method works. This works for me.

Giving up has never worked for me in the past, so I'm not going to give up again.

DNR

[Charles78]

I have been there many many times in the last 21 months. I know how it can seem to be an inescapable cycle - but you can change. I have had a number of people that this evaluation I did and answer the questions for themselves. A lot of people found that it helps. I will share mine with you in hopes that it might help you as well. I wish you all the best.

Charles - Houston, TX

When I started and at the advice of my behaviorist I did a evaluation of where I was at and what I wanted for myself. Here is what motivated me. I re-read this a lot. It helps to keep me focused. ( I made notes where some things have changes)

Make sure you goals are:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timed

"Knowledge without action is useless"

My Maintenance Weight Goal is: 230

Make sure that all the goals you set for yourself are SMART ones.


SOCIAL PRESSURES

• I don’t go out a lot, so this is not a super concern for me.



RELATIONSHIP CONCERNS

• I have a 7 year old daughter. A huge motivator for me is to:

o Get healthy so I will be around for her
o Get fit so that I can be a better father – do more things with Katy and do what I can for her to have a better childhood
o I worry about the bad example that I set for Katy in the weight department. I know the stigma of being over-weight and I really don’t want that for my daughter.





Willingness vs. Excuses (Where are you at?)
• I feel very willing to make this change in my life. I feel stupid for waiting this long to do it. I do beat myself up a good bit over the wasted years of my life. I know that I need to put that baggage down and move on. It bothers me that I left myself go for so long. I need to work on that.




Rate your level of Motivation and Confidence (Scale of 1 to 10…10 being very):

• Most days a 7 or 8. I feel good about the change. I would put higher but I know the statistics are very daunting for long term successful weight loss. Some days, especially if I have a bad day, I give in to a little pity and despair. On those days I would say my motivation goes to about a 3 or 4. Thus far, my good days have far out numbered my bad ones.



Eating Triggers (List……Smell, Sight, Taste, Cravings, Trigger Foods, etc.)
• French Fries
• Frito's
• Fresh baked bread
• Smell of cooking steak
• Potato chips of any kind


Emotional Triggers (List……i.e. Happy, Sad, Bored, etc.)
• Sad
• Stressed
• Bored
• Angry
• Frustrated

High Risk Situations (List - Weekends, Parties, Work, etc.)
• Weekends – but only because it gets me out of my routine.
• Very high stress situations make me want to eat.



10 ways to reward myself without food:

1. Quiet time – read a good book (Got my room setup)

2. Go to the movie

3. Purchase next electronic must have LOL

4. Go to a play, concert or museum

5. Go workout at the gym - hit the whirlpool afterwards.

6. Buy some new clothes.

7. Go out with friends.

8. Make time to mini-vacation. (Galveston on
weekends, short trips.)

9. Buy some good songs from Napster for my mp3 player.

10. Treat myself to a massage






20 ways to cope without food:

1. Get more active. go workout, do more things with Katy

2. Realize that whatever problems I am facing, they will be easier to face if I am healthy and feel good. Nothing that I have to deal with will be easier at 563 pounds. In fact, no matter what the situation it will be easier to deal with at 220-230 because I will have more energy and feel better.

3. Realize that I have a food addiction. Support groups are now going to be a part of my life from now on. It will be a never ending process to get and stay healthy, but one that I know will be worth it for me and for my family.

4. Read as much information as I can about successful strategies for making lifetime behavior changes.

5. If I feel bored, get up and go do something…. Anything but eat. If I feel angry – go take a drive, listen to some music – call someone in my support team. If I feel sad and start in on myself about things that I have not done with my life, remind myself that the past is over and cannot be changed. The only events I have control over are the ones happening right NOW!

6. Join an on-line discussion group with people that have the same problems that I do with food. As I use a computer so much and read a lot of message boards, this might be a good source of additional support to supplement the support groups I am already active in.

7. Schedule some “play” time everyday

8. Don’t be reluctant to say “No”

9. Look for ways to reduce the stress in my life.

10. Try to see problems as challenges that if I plan and work hard on, that I can overcome.

11. Continue to work to find serenity. While some aspects of my life are not great, I need to keep the serenity prayer in mind.

12. Put focus back on being very productive at work. If I excel in that part of my life, it will help to relive some of my stress. Lower stress will help in all aspects of my life.

13. Actively seek out and deal with parts of my life that I tend to suppress and procrastinate on. Pretending the problem is not there will not make it go away. ( damn it to **** )

14. Go to Bally's. That will give me a healthy outlet for exercise, social interaction and recreation.

15. Plan, budget for and do activities with Katy to broaden her horizons and be entertaining, fun and educational for the both of us.

16. Look into taking yoga or a meditation class.

17. Read more books!

18. Spend more time with my friends.

19. Set a goal for myself to coach a FFPS soccer team next fall.

20. Lastly, I resolve to do whatever it takes – therapy, educational classes, support groups and even surgery as a last alternative to achieve my goal of better health by reaching and maintaining for the remainder of my life a healthy weight.




DENIAL MINIMIZATION RATIONALIZATION

(Or as I like to call them, the 3 horsemen of the Apocalypse)

(Some of my best thinking processes about food helped me become overweight)

Denial
• My coping mechanism seems to be repression. If I have problems or issues, I just refuse to confront them. I do lots of other stuff not to deal with issues. I think that this is a form of denial. I don’t give into the “oh I eat nothing and the weight just jumps on me” kind of thing. I know that I got the way I am by eating 5000 plus calories a day. At the time, I just did not give a damn.

Minimization
• Ok, I own up to this one. An extra hash brown and an extra sausage biscuit with cheese is not that bad for you.
• I minimized the harm that I was doing to myself with my over eating. On one level, I knew it was killing me, but I just was not willing to do anything about it – until last May (2004).

Rationalization
• OK, I am the king of this one. I consider myself to be intelligent, so I can rationalize just about anything. You know, I am unhappy so what the ****, lets head to McDonalds on the way home from work. How about well, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke – so what? I over eat – everyone deserves one vice. I can make anything I do seem logical… and often do. It is only when I can step back and really look critically and logically at what I am doing can I see it for the BS that it really is. So what if you are unhappy Charles, how the **** is anything at McDonalds going to fix that??? LOL man it is almost funny if it was not so sad.

My Plan to Battle these three:

These three are killers for sure. My plan is to keep my focus on my objectives. Keep going to group, keep involved in an active weight loss program. That will help me stay vigilant for that kind of thinking. I resolve to be honest with the people in my group and the people that I work with on my weight problem so that they can help let me know if I am slipping into one of the big three deadly sins.

To paraphrase Thomas Jefferson, The price of a healthy weight is eternal vigilance.
• I will never be defeated unless I quit trying.
• If I ever relapse to my old eating patterns, I will immediately seek out help to get back on the path to sanity. I will not let shame, humiliation or pride keep me from looking for the help I need.
• If I ever find that what I am doing is not working, I will work to find what will work. I affirm today that my current condition is no longer acceptable to me.
• I affirm that this is something that I want for me. There may a lot of things in this life that I do not have control over – however, my lifestyle and relationship to food is something that with help, focus and desire - it is a goal that I can reach and maintain.


I make this plan for myself and only myself: Sign below….

__________________________________________________



Reduction weight goal: Lose a total of 342.3 lbs.


Time Frame:

I want to be less than 400lbs by December 1, 2004. To reach that goal; I need to lose 4.2 lbs per week. - Reached it.

I want to be less than 300 lbs by May 28, 2005. To reach that goal; I need to lose 3.8 lbs per week. (It took me until 9/26/2006 to reach this)

I want to be at my target weight of 230 lbs by July, 2006.

Exercise Plan: (Days, Length of Time, Types of Exercise, alternatives, Etc.)

This will change over time.

Current
3 Days per week weight training, 2 days per week cardio.

My Calorie Range: Current and until I reach ideal weight 1500 – 1900 per day.



My Meal Plan I Intend to use:
I want to eat a balanced diet. Recommended percentages are:
Fat 20-30%, Carbohydrates 50-60%, Protein 10-15%, and Saturated Fats less than 9% I don’t want to eat many carbohydrates so what I want to do is as follows.

Fat 25-35%, Carbohydrates 30-40%, Protein 25-35%


Food Record Maintenance (Method)

I use www.myfooddiary.com

[newfiedarling]

Jenaya, sorry to hear you're having such a rough time lately. I can completely understand your fears about gaining weight, it's something I think about too.

One thing in your post stuck out for me....

Originally Posted by Jenaya

the more anxious I get about getting closer to 297, the closer I move myself towards it (insane or what?!? Talk about self-fulling prophecy)

Why not try and turn your "self-fulfilling prophecy" around. Instead of worrying about going back up, focus your energy on going down instead. Have you formed and action plan? Maybe take the time to sit and write out exactly what it is you want to do and what you need to do to get it done. Schedule in exercise, plan your meals, set goals. Write out how you will reward yourself. Imagine yourself successful.

If you want you can try on planning for mini successes. Make yourself a 5 pound goal and work towards that. Reward yourself when you reach it and then set another 5 pound goal. The journey will seem much more manageable when it's broken up into small tasks.

I hope this helps in some small way. You can absolutely do this!!

~Dee

[ChocLabLover]

First of all Jenaya, !

Wow, Charles, excellent post! Jenaya, pretty much all I can say is pretty redundant after the excellent advice already received. I know how you are feeling, believe me. I have was in the downward slide for the past four months. I thought I could be on a very restrictive diet to speed out the weight loss. It worked, for awhile, but because I could not sustain it over the long term, I would start to stray. I needed to get excited about my lifestyle, so for me I needed to switch to a less restrictive plan. I can relate to Charles point about rewarding yourself with non food. I know from every successful weight loss I have had in the past, I always set a goal, and then would go and reward myself. The reward did not have to be expensive, but something I could work towards. So, how to get the motivation back? First of all, wipe out the past and start over. I can even tell you how many times I have started over, and there are threads all over this forum supporting that. If you are on a specific plan, a la WW, re read the intro material. Pretend you are signing up for the first time and try to get that excitement again. But how to keep going? Know within yourself that you are worth it! If you are stumbling with trying to excercise, try something completely new. The point I guess I am trying to make is, first, we all go through this, and the hard part is trying to keep going after the honeymoon is over. I know I have to get creative sometimes and I know sometimes I know I will slip and fall. This place is great to see both the struggles and successes.

Jenaya, you are worth it, and you can it!

[famograham]

Oh, Jenaya,
I'm there with you right now

Linda

[Jillegal]

Everything I wanted to say has been said by others here, Jenaya (and may I add its all been said so very, very well), so I'm just sending a big and assuring you (because you know I've been there) that things will turn around (sometimes when you least expect it) and you'll find it easier to stay on the path and continue this journey.

[NotTheCheat]

Flowers do not grow in the darkness and most people do not thrive in a negative and poisonous environment. You have to find a way to stop the negative self-talk and learn to support yourself and love yourself. Would you belittle and berate someone else for eating a piece of cake? Then why would you do that to yourself? Has it ever stopped you from eating something the next time? The answer is probably no – it certainly was for me. I was in the same vicious downwards spiral of self-deprecation, “uncontrolled” eating, and then hating myself. The only way I stopped this was to stop hating and judging myself over what I ate. Next time you find yourself moving heading in that direction, find a way to make yourself stop. Listen to your favorite song, read a good book, come here to 3FC, call a friend, go to sleep – anything to stop the cycle. You ate a piece of cake – SO WHAT. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you incapable of making changes. It was just a piece of cake. Next time you can make a better choice. For many of us one small “bad” thing can easily wipe out 100 “good” things we did. The difference comes in making more good choices than bad and shifting the balance over time. Will you ever be all “good”? Highly unlikely, so you need to learn to shrug off the bad and move on. It is not all or nothing. Relax and enjoy yourself.

Charles – Thanks for the fantastic post.

[busker]

I hear you. By the time I was 23, I weighed 250 lbs. I lost 75 lbs 7 years ago, and managed to keep it off for 5 years with some ups and downs of about 20 lbs. Then I fell off the wagon altogether and, like you said, "The more I worried about getting back to 250, the closer I got." So now, at 237 lbs and 30 years old, I decided enough was enough and got going again.

Everyone tells me, "It should be easier now, because you know what to do!" Except in many ways, it's harder. You wonder what's wrong that you could "let yourself" gain that weight back, while still making excuses about working out and eating right. "I'll start on Monday" you say while you finish off a newly opened bag of doritos. "I did some situps today, I deserve some ice cream." "I already don't fit in my clothes, what difference does it make if I eat a hamburger?"

I also have issues because overall, I'm not as horribly "out of shape" as I was 7 years ago. Sure, the fat's come back, but my heart and body respond to exercise a lot better and say, "Oh, I know we're doing!" and so a lot more (this time around for me) is about mixing stuff up and keeping my body guessing, so it doesn't catch on as easily. So, I'm tending to plateau more frequently (which is frustrating) and having to work even harder to lose. But, I'm not gaining, and it IS coming off!

(Tough Love) The trick is to stop making excuses, get off your butt, and make a committment. I kind of feel like I'm being a hypocrite saying this, as many people kept telling me the same thing while I felt sorry for myself over the loss of control once more... but it's not a matter of feeling sorry for yourself, it's not a matter of what others think - it's all about YOU. Ok, so you slipped.

As you can see from the number of posts here, it's nothing unique. All you can do is turn off the computer, go for a walk, throw out the junk food, and go shopping for some healthy food, and maybe some new workout clothes and a gym membership. Make a new start, starting today. Not this weekend, not when you've finished the junk food in your cabinet... TODAY.

We're all here for you, doing the same struggle. Please join us in our personal battles for good health, we'd love to have you in our ranks!

--Janis

[Burgie]

So, why is it you want to lose weight?

My limited take on it based on what you shared is that you are not ready to lose weight. It takes hard work, commitment and a desire to change. Justifications, excuses and lack of strategies are only going to add to your anxiety and misery. Sounds like you are taking the easy way out in your choices.

Start somewhere. Energy begets energy. The more you do, the more you can do. It just takes one successful day, hour, choice to get you headed in the right direction.

Love yourself enough to claim the bad choices you made and work towards better, healthier choices. You are the only one with the power to turn this around.

[Jen]

Hi Jenaya. I remember way back when we started out doing the Dr. Phil plan together and I think we aren't in much better shape now then we were then. Sorry Dr. Phil! I slipped and slid A LOT and hit my all time high and then surpassed it by a couple of pounds which got me really, really angry at myself because I know I can do this. So I've been pushing myself to exercise a bit and watch what I am eating and drinking and what do you know, I lost 4 lbs last week. It can be done, it is going to be a lot of hard work and there will be a lot of rough spots. Last night I kept walking in and out of the kitchen because I am so used to snacking while watching tv and then I would remind myself that I'm not going to lose weight mindlessly filling my face. Anyway just want to say that we can both do this, it is going to take a lot of effort and focus but there is no end of support here so just keep posting!

[Jenaya]

Some people get it and some people don't. For those of you who understand and took the time to offer insightful and thought-provoking feedback, I am grateful. Jen 415, Charles, Suz, Kayley, DNR, Dee, Carol, Linda, Jillegal, Nancy, Janis and Jen....Thank you from the heart. I have done this before and I know I am capable of doing it again and I just needed some thoughts to help propel me forward. Charles, I am very grateful for the time and energy you put into your post. I have copied the goals and I am working them out in my own language in things that are meaningful to me. Jen415 also has one of your postings in her blog (thanks for posting Jen415 - you inspired me with your kind words and your blog with tons of insight). Charles, maybe you should consider writing that book - you could give DeClemente and Prochaska a run for their money on motivational techniques!! That was EXACTLY what I needed today.....Put it out there and it will come back to you and that it did! Thanks again. When I initially started losing weight, I did goal setting and I did rewards. I have conveniently forgotten those things in my negative thinking and today I think I have turned the corner thanks to all of your kind words.

I have been here long enough to know that each one of us will need a pick up from time to time. Thanks to those of you who offered that to me today. You were just what I needed.