Oh tammy, Im so sorry I hope something works out in the end be strong.. {HUGS}

I just caught up on your blog. With everything going on with Howie, I got behind on a lot of blog reading. Thinking of you, plus you're in my prayers -- you know that! :)

We've been through all the options. We are well informed. Oh, I also forgot to add that if he gets Medical Retirement he will get a certain percentage of money from the VA every month. All total it won't be as much as we are making right now, but by no means are we going to be living in a box on the street. I think he is going to try to go to school. I just can't really see him doing well though until he is stabled out on meds. If he does go to schoool he can utilize his Montgomery GI Bill also. That is something like around 1000 dollars a month.

I will just be happy when I know dollar amounts as opposed to certain percentages then I can really start planning budgets and knowing just how much I am going to need to contribute for us to be comfortable. I am the thrift queen, so I can really make a dollar stretch.

I guess all that stuff does not stress me to bad at all. What stresses me is not knowing if my husband is ever going to be a productive individual to our family. He's in his own little world right now. I don't want to see him suffer yet I don't even know if he is capable of knowing when his meds are working or not. This is certainly a big challenge.

Hey Tammy. It's good to see posts from you. I've been on and off here lately. Your strength continues to amaze. Hope you are looking after yourself. Stay strong

I'd love to say I'm looking out after myself but with all my time consumed with him and the kids right now it is almost impossible for me to even think about myself at all.

He was admitted into the Psych Ward last night again. It was a very rough night. I saw him today and he was still groggy from them sedating him in the ER. It's a long story I wrote about it in my blog.

When he is in the psych ward I find my most inner peace and am able to work on myself a bit. I know that he is safe there, and I know that he is being monitored around the clock. When he is home I am constantly watching him. Constantly making sure that he is not taking a turn for the worse. It's just alot of work that gives me no time for me. He's so out of touch right now he is not even capable of watching the kids. So, I'm going to have to find some creative ways to start getting some control over everything that has occurred, is occurring, and might occur in the future.

It is good to see you posting again, I was thinking about you the other day. Please take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. I hope your DH finds the help he needs. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I said it on another thread, but it is good to see you posting again Tammy! :hug:

Tammy, you just keep remaining strong. You're going to get through this. ((BIG HUG))

tammy'
sorry to hear your sorrow and the troubles you are having,MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.
mookie-bren

It's been such a rough night. I have some really strange thinking. I sit here and ponder if I was thinner would my husband notice me more. If I was thinner would I just leave him? If I was thinner would he not have treated me like a total non-person for over a year and then just not love me anymore and go shack up with someone else? If I was thinner would I had had more confidence and been able to recognize that this relationship was doomed from day one because I felt like a total loser and was willing to invite anyone who accepted my weight into my life? I was eager. I was happy, I was thrilled, I was wrong. Have I lowered my standards my whole life because I thought I could not be accepted. Do I think I can't do better than the misery I am going through now because I am fat? I feel rejected in the present, the past, and in the future, even though it has not happened because right now I am making my future and my insecurites are stopping me from thinking with a clear head. How long can a person badger and punish themselves? I'm just so tired. I think I've hit rock bottom about my weight and my life, period. I just can't fathom another day like this.

Yes, I know the logic behind this is so very wrong. I recognize this. It's just my honest feelings. I know that I don't deserve to put myself down like that. No one should ever have to feel this way. I'm so sick (literally) letting my weight dictate my life. It's sad and it is years wasted on utter crap. Do I feel like changing it? Nope, I feel like just hiding in a corner and being alone. I let my weight rule my life. It leads me around by a big choker collar and a very short leash that can be yanked, pulled, suffocating. I abuse myself like a bad dog owner abuses his dog. The dog soon submits completely to the owner. I'm the dog.

Five minutes after I send this I will regret doing so. I just don't care. This is what being fat can do to you and it is ugly, very ugly. I'm lost, I'm consumed by my own flesh. I know this is a heavy topic. I'm sorry if my words offend anyone, it was not my intentions.

If I was thinner.........

If you've hit rock bottom then you only have one way to go and that is up.

Don't concentrate on the negatives - concentrate on the positive. You deserve love and respect. You are a beautiful woman.

Change that inner voice to what you want to hear. If you are being treated less than human then its time to move on. You are the owner...The weight is the dog, the lowered standards is the dog, that voice in your head is the dog. The good things is that you can train dogs.

You will get past this- make a list of things that will make you happy. Maybe volunteering for a good cause that you support. Think of a hobby you can take up. treat yourself. The point is that you need to recognize what makes you -you. Celebrate the person. The fat will not be gone tomorrow so there is no point in letting that stop you from being who you want to be.