Ok, this is probably going to be one of those, "Help, I'm talking and I can't shut up!" moments but I'm back to add something that I feel is important, and that I didn't adequately address in my last post.
I think it's really important when you're starting or continuing on a journey of this magnitude and (HELLO!) duration (my GOD, the duration!!) that you make up your mind that this is about YOU and YOUR priorities and YOUR worth and YOUR focus on self -- not what others are going to say or do or think or whatever. Screw 'em! It's hard enough to succeed at this without worrying about all that crap!
I'm not saying you guys are sitting around stewing about this -- but obviously it's affected some of you at least a little. And that makes me sad! It results in an internalized shame and self-consciousness that saps your energy and can dampen your enthusiasm. It's a soul-kill! And it holds you back.
I say, just wrap your mind around the concept that this is all about reclaiming your own value, and anything that doesn't increase that value just does not need to be in your life. Period.
There was one negative woman in my office. One. Out of maybe 40. And when she tried to pull me down, I just totally put her in her place; I just refused to take on her negativity. She's a very unhappy woman who weighs probably 400 pounds, so I know she feels some pain. I'm sympathetic to that, but NOT at the expense of my own health and energy. Now, if there were any other naysayers out there, I don't know, because again, if you're not with me, your agin' me, as they say -- and I just would have none of it. I used to say, "I'm on a mission from Gaaahhhd" like Dan Ackroyd -- and I seriously meant it. I required that focus. And like I said, it worked for me.
I just think it's such a waste to let other people pull you down, pull you back, or pull you in the wrong direction. Life is too short. And weight loss is too freakin' hard! We're hard enough on ourselves -- that's how we got into this pickle, for pete's sake! -- why internalize the negativity of others and let that keep us from having access to all the positive energy and support that we could have if we just opened up to others?
I'm not saying you guys are sitting around stewing about this -- but obviously it's affected some of you at least a little. And that makes me sad! It results in an internalized shame and self-consciousness that saps your energy and can dampen your enthusiasm. It's a soul-kill! And it holds you back.
I say, just wrap your mind around the concept that this is all about reclaiming your own value, and anything that doesn't increase that value just does not need to be in your life. Period.
I agree completely. While I have had some people react negatively to my efforts in the past. Today I am doing this for me 100%. No one's reaction matters to me, which is why I have chosen to keep this experience for me alone (with a few of my favorite *cheerleaders* mentioned in my previous post). I neither want nor need any negativity surrounding me and dragging me down. At this point, I know I wouldn't allow it to stop me from doing what I want but I don't want to hear it. I don't need others to validate me, for I know my worth better than anyone else. to anyone who needs the support they deserve when trying to achieve their goals.
This is about me and my goals, and that's why I'm choosing not to share what I'm doing with friends and certain family members. I am very sensitive to criticism (as much as I try not to be), and a few thoughtless comments really throw a wrench in my plans. I would like to change this part of my personality, but I refuse to put myself into a situation where I'm likely to fail this early in my attempts. I'm not (yet) a very confident person, and I will feel much better being open with only people I know are both positive and supportive.
I'm not ready to spend time eating with friends. When I am ready, I think I'll take the advice that's been given and plan what I will allow myself ahead of time. A salad before I leave will probably also help. I've been doing really well sticking to what plans I've made, so I'll just keep doing more of the same.
Well said Sarah. I also in agreement with Dawnyal. I think we put a lot more into what people are thinking and saying than what they really are. However if they are saying how long will it be before he fails or any other comments that I would not care to here then the heck with them. I'm doing this for me and if for some reason I would fail which I'm not going to, then it is me who has to deal with it.
Again, Sara you have said is so eloquently and right to the point. This time around I did let everyone know that I was planning on getting healthy/healthier by eating less and exercising. I figured out that the people judging me and the food I put in my mouth were all in my head and decided that I didn't care what anyone else thought. This is for me and no one else and it is a lifetime committment. When I decide I don't want to eat healthy I no longer worry about what everyone else is thinking because it is only 1 meal (or 2 or 5 ) and I will be back to eating healthy.
My first unsolicited comment came after I'd dropped forty pounds. Since then they've come thick and fast--even the lady in the bra shop noticed (before she measured me) that I'd shrunk since my previous visit. Mind you, she saw me in the niff from the waist up, whereas most (!) people do not!
This time around, I've had nothing but support and positive words from all who've noticed, and lots of questions. Mostly I've been asked how much I've lost and what plan I'm following. I've been completely open about how much I weigh(ed). For all I was disgusted with myself for getting so fat, I know that denial is part of what kept me there for so long.
I've even been asked by a couple of people to devise an eating plan for them. Heh, like they think mine will somehow be easier to stick to than something like WW or any one of the other properly researched plans out there!
I don't socialise much, but when I do, I don't harp on about what I'm allowed to eat/drink and how many kcals are in any particular item. I just make the decision myself, in my own head, and go ahead with my order. And I don't scrutinise or comment on others' choices either. Only once has someone asked if I'm allowed to eat [insert whatever "sinful" food it was] on my diet, to which I simply replied, "Yes". I'm happy with my progress and that's all that matters.
Perceptions are funny things. I've never been concerned about how other people view me--my self-esteem issues are of my own making--and I believe that all comments and behaviour (encouraging and sabotaging) say far more about the source than they do about me. I don't view others' successes as my failures, and if anyone feels threatened by my achievements, I see that as something they need to address. That's not anything over which I have control, and I won't allow it to affect the way I've chosen to treat myself.
People started noticing after about 30lb, some people a bit earlier than that. One thing I noticed was when it changed from "have you lost weight?" to "how have you lost weight?" - that was when I knew that there was no doubt in their minds. Now I know that people can't fail to notice it. I went into a bar near work last week where I've not been for a few months (building up the socialising again now ) and the bar man was just dumbstruck. You can see jaws physically drop.
I didn't want people to know at first. I actually tried to hide what I was doing for a while (not the results, but the amount of exercise I was doing etc) because I was worried I wouldn't stick to it and I'd cope better with failure if it was only me that knew about it. Once I knew I could stick to it, I started getting a lot more open. And there wasn't much other way to explain away the disappearing fat rolls anyway!
Wow, some great comments! I've learned a lot so far. I didn't think when I posted my initial question that I was really thinking negatively about what others might say (more just not looking forward to the experience), but I look back at what several people have posted, and I think there's more than a hint of truth there. I absolutely agree with Sarah and the others that this is all about me and my priorities (which have caused some "issues" on the home front which are for another post), and that is one of the reasons I'm sort of keeping quiet about it to many.
But while I was not outwardly expecting negativity from others, I can tell by my gut reaction that it has affected me "at least a little" as Sarah said. Okay, perhaps more, but I need to think about it first...
Let me shift gears a little. I had a colleague (no longer works here), who went on a plan and lost a bunch of weight. And she was SO vocal about it... every day going on about her choices and her plan and how much weight she had lost... and I just didn't want to hear it. Not, I think, because I was fat and doing nothing about it (though I gotta admit, that may be part of it), but because it seemed that she needed the validation of everyone around her so desperately and had to let everyone know (not just me, but everyone) what was going on. I think I don't want to be like her. And yet, I look at the kinds of things I talk about here, and I wonder, what's the difference? Is it just that we're all working toward similar goals? Or perhaps I AM as annoying as she was!
I know she had no support group like this, so perhaps my fear of annoying my colleagues to death is unfounded, since I do have an outlet (For which I am grateful every day!)
Around 15 lbs., people started to ask things like if I had gotten my hair cut. One woman said I looked "sunny and healthy". About 17 lbs., my MIL actually noticed and commented --very unlike her. Now, at 22 lbs., my closest friend here and dh etc. comment, but not much else.
When I started this time, I chose dh and my sister as my confidants, the 2 people with access to my blog. I actually revealed real weights and all (DH knew -- not sister) because I wanted to be accountable. Sister, who is thin, is so supportive and it was, for the first time, not at all painful to admit my weight. Funnily, 13 weeks in, she has asked me to create a routine for her for workouts!!
I am honest, without being preachy I hope, about what I am doing because I want the accountability and because I know that this is it - the last time. In fact, some acquaintances from church ran into me at the coffee shop where i was reading "French Women Don't Get Fat" and I gladly showed them and explained. It was then that I knew this was real and happening and that thhe click had happened.
I think we all have different personalities. I am much like Sarah in that I want accountability, but others may experience more success remaining private. It is interesting to hear all your perspectives.
My mother in law asked at 10lbs how much weight I had lost. However this weekend all the inlaws saw me and not one asked or even seemed to notice.
BUT my panties are bigger, my jeans fit better, all my tshirts hang instead of cling and that is so much better.
I guess being so heavy I got so disgusted with myself that these small but glorious victories are worth so much more than how much have you lost.
I won't lie I can't wait to hear it though, it will be the icing (mmm yummy) on the cake.
I'm not sure if someone already said this because I read most of the posts, but not all of them. BUT, depending on how politcally correct the people you are around, they may feel very uncomfortable saying anything. Very few people would say anything to me, but the few that would started to notice at 6 pounds. My alma mater was very PC, recognizing weight loss could be an anti feminist statement because someone could respond "why is weight loss supposed to be better?" and there goes the debate. For the most part, it was only people who were also trying to lose weight or those who knew for a FACT that I wouldnt be insulted would comment.
I am only 5'2" so it even a few pounds lost tend to show. I think it was probably at about 20 pounds or so it was REALLY noticeable to the people close to me. At around 30 pounds I bought new clothes and people in general noticed and the "gushing" comments started. It was a double edged sword in that I loved that my hard work was paying off and all of the compliments did a lot towards building my confidence and keeping me on track. But, after years spent "hiding" from people it was also uncomfortable being the center of attention all of a sudden. Plus, since I still felt like a fat person it was hard not to question how sincere people were being. That was MY problem, though, not theirs.
Now that school is in full swing I'm running into people I haven't seen since last year. They can't believe the difference. Thankfully, my brain has caught up with my body for the most part so the compliments and shocked reactions are welcome. The most common question I get is, "How did you do it?" When I say that I ate less and moved more there just a moment of silence before they say, "No, really, what did you do?" Everyone wants to hear that there is some magic pill or special diet that works. I guess counting calories and exercising is just too simple a solution to accept!
What gives me the biggest kick is when I happen to run into someone that I haven't seen since high school. They always say, "You haven't changed a bit!" Oh, if they only knew. LOL.
I didn't tell anyone what I was doing when I started this last time, so it took quite a while for people to really notice. In fact, I think I was about 90 lbs. down before it really sunk in and people all of a sudden started to realize that I was shrinking! I was surprised and a little discouraged that it took as long as it did for people to notice, and frankly, part of me has been wishing they would stop noticing ever since. I'm a very private person, but losing such a large amount of weight has turned my private journey into a very public one, and it's not always pretty. Some people can be downright nasty when, the way you take care of yourself makes them face the truth about their own lack of health and fitness. So, I say, when the compliments start flowing, (as I know they will) just accept the good for what they are, and leave all the rest.
The most common question I get is, "How did you do it?" When I say that I ate less and moved more there just a moment of silence before they say, "No, really, what did you do?" Everyone wants to hear that there is some magic pill or special diet that works. I guess counting calories and exercising is just too simple a solution to accept!
That's so funny!! I had exactly the same experience with people!
Or it would go like this:
Other person: "So, how are you doing it???" Sarah: "Well, basically I've counted calories and just tried to eat really healthy. I eat a low saturated fat, high fiber, low glycemic diet with lots of veggies. Oh, and I exercise a lot, lot, LOT!!" Silence Other person: "Yeah, I tried Atkins, but I just couldn't stick with it!"
People started to comment after I'd lost about 40 lbs or so. I'm 5'9" so it takes quite a few lbs to really show a lot.
I've had the exact experience that JawsMom and Sarah talked about too, more times than I can count.
"What are you doing???" they exclaim followed by "oh" when I say I eat less and exercise more. I guess that's just not what they're looking for
This reminds me of a conversation a friend and I had the other day. She too has lost a lot of weight (Much more than me) I was telling her about a former co-worker I saw the other day who told me I was unrecognizable. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around that one. To me, I still look so much the same, just smaller. How could I be unrecognizable?
She said that she's found that alot of people don't recognize her at all these days. She thinks it has to do with how well you know people, and what kind of memory markers they have for you. Some people will remember you for your curly hair or your laugh, but others see mostly your size, and they're the ones that won't be able to recognize you. It really made me think about how we see people, day to day.
but I'm back to add something that I feel is important, and that I didn't adequately address in my last post.
now. Please forgive. 
to anyone who needs the support they deserve when trying to achieve their goals.
) and I will be back to eating healthy.
whereas most (!) people do not! 
Mostly I've been asked how much I've lost and what plan I'm following. I've been completely open about how much I weigh(ed). For all I was disgusted with myself for getting so fat, I know that denial is part of what kept me there for so long.
