there is something wrong with me. that is the only thing i can think of as to why i keep doing this to myself. i was doing soooooo good but i've noticed a pattern. each time i get around 20 pounds lost i freak out and start eating myself silly and gain it back. the past 3 days i've done nothing but eat, eat so much that i made myself throw up. i've gained nearly 7 pounds in the past week. i feel like a gluttonous bas*ard i tell ya. i don't know if i have some sort of hang up about losing this weight or if i'm getting menstrual and this is just a passing phase, unlike last time when i gained all but 4 pounds back or what... i am hoping its just a phase. tomorrow is a new day, all i can do is pick myself back up and dust my lumpy bum off and go at it again. (i won't even start on all the salt i've eaten the past few days, which i'm hoping has attributed to at least part of the gain. i'll just say i've been craving it like i craved green grapes and french onion dip when i was pregnant!)
It's 239 for me. Sends me into an eating frenzy. I'm not sure if I can actually put my finger on what I'm feeling when it happens but I don't worry if it's wrapped into fearing change. It sounds silly but I think a small part of me fears change. Like if I cross over that number, I can not take it back. I can not go back to being me.
It's also the point where people may start to notice your weight loss. And although I crave attention, there is a point where I don't want people to notice so much. Ya know? Like, I wish I could just keep the fact that I'm trying hidden for awhile so people wouldn't nod knowingly if I fail. Does any of this make sense?
Lastly, my fat is my shell from the big, bad, evil world. It's much safer in my mind to be fat than to be thin. It's familiar territory and I know how to exist in it. Moving to a different neighborhood (the 230's) is scary to me. I know this is all heady and psychological but hey, I'm psychotic!
I think that you recognize it is a really big step.. denial can be fun,but not if it's keeping you from being happy. I can definitely relate to both of you, and while I don't have a specific number... I think just making healthy steps to lose weight makes me panic (sugar is an issue for me, when I stop with the sugar, I drop weight REALLY fast). You just have to push thru it Shelly... go into "autopilot" as I call it, where you just eat healthy and workout, nothing else, just brainlessly doing it. We are here if you need to vent, or need advice.
-Aimee
Fear of the "unknown" can cause all sorts of self sabotage.We adapt and learn to live a certin way. We know what to expect and there's security in "no" surprises.By losing weight we upset that security and have to adapt to new problems. There are many reasons why we are over weight that have nothing to do with lack of self control that thin people readily assume. Maybe some counseling could help you discover if there are triggers blocking you from progress. There is no shame in "couseling", fact is most everyone could benifit from a few sessons.XO
I agree with Pam it's the fear of the unknown. I noticed that I'm starting to have that fear now that I hit the teens... it's the what if's on my shrinking bust size and how small they will get, my extra skin... bla bla bla... UGH!!! I have to think about my health and what being over weight is doing to my body do I want the ill effects that it will cause. Or do I want fluffy boobs... I figure there are water bras and wonder bras. lol
Mez
Iv'e done the same thing but I can't say it's fear. At least I don't think it is. I'm not really sure. I have more of a fear of falling off the wagon than having success. I'm at a loss though for why I do. I do know it's conected to my emotions. Sorry I'm not much help on this one.
Mez...yes, there is more to life than big tits! Way to keep perspective on your overall health. We should be losing weight as much for health reasons as we do for vanity. But I'll stay off that soap box for now.
Shelly, sounds like on some level you give yourself permission to eat once you hit the 20 pound mark. One way to combat it would be to not jump on a scale for the next month. Maybe you see that number and something clicks that you met a goal, all your body will lose...so now that you've reached it, you can eat and resume old habits. Stay away from the scale...re-evaluate why you want to lose weight and ask yourself the question: is that damn (insert crappy food here) worth it? Is that (crappy food) worth sacrificing your health and your future with your child? Make the decision once to get healthy...and don't talk yourself out of it, whatever it takes. Your health needs to be a priority.
You know that this 20 pound mark will be a challenge based on past experiences, but that was then. You now have the tools to get past this, so believe that you can and keep telling yourself that fact. Because this time you are doing it the right way.
Shelly, I wonder if the extra weight serves some sort of psychological purpose for you, something you havent dealt with yet. I know for me I had a hard time dealing with sexual attention so part of the reason I gained weight was to stop being seen as sexual. It also serves as a barrier between myself and others and it is a something to "blame" if someone doesnt like me. There are all sorts of reasons that people "want" to stay fat. Maybe its just fear of change?
Thanks so much everyone for the overwhelming support. i really appreciate it! i am going to save all this and print it out to keep and read when i get down. i have been thinking a lot about this and yes i do feel safe being fat. i'm also wondering if i'm doing this to punish myself. when i was thin i made fun... well, not really made fun of fat people but i'd be grossed out by fat people (we had several severely overweight girls at school and watching them eat made me sick... and now i am one.. so now i'm a believer in karma) and maybe this is my way of putting myself in their shoes and making everything ok ... by staying fat. but i'm still miserable. and NO that sausage, corn dog, hash brown, twinkie etc last night is not worth the way i am feeling right now.
i'm afraid to be noticed, afraid of the unknown. my step mom thinks its my fear of relationships... i think that's probably some of it.
something psychological?
Fear of the "unknown" can cause all sorts of self sabotage.We adapt and learn to live a certin way. We know what to expect and there's security in "no" surprises.By losing weight we upset that security and have to adapt to new problems. There are many reasons why we are over weight that have nothing to do with lack of self control that thin people readily assume. Maybe some counseling could help you discover if there are triggers blocking you from progress. There is no shame in "couseling", fact is most everyone could benifit from a few sessons.XO
