Being thin isn't for people like me... Anyone else self-sabotage?
Hey all.
After starting Feb at 201, and ending at 201, I've been wondering a lot about set points. Now, these may or may not exist, but I have a really deeply held belief that I'm finding hard to shake off, and I think it's what drove me to plateau right at onederland...
Being thin is for "other people", and I'm not "other people", I'm separate and excluded from them. As soon as I approached what felt like a significant loss, 20lbs, maybe a dress size, under 200lbs, smaller than I've been in a few years (it really is a BIG ONE), I think I did extra bingeing to put the brakes on myself. Not self-loathing bingeing, but... scared bingeing?
Anyone else do this? Anyone else DONE this and manoeuvred round it? I've added calorie restriction to my IE which was working well (and technically, still is) to stop myself from doing this, to see if I can force myself to face my fear of being smaller.
I have no idea what I'm afraid of, I'm enjoying what I'm eating, I'm enjoying my exercise... I'm enjoying the whole journey. I have never felt like that before!
Why the **** am I sabotaging my own efforts?! I really want this, and I don't understand it!!
I know how you feel. I've been in a holding pattern myself since about November. I keep going up and down about 4 or 5 lbs. I'm near the point that I quit losing the last time I lost a fair amount of weight. I hit 200 for about 10 minutes and then bounced back up... never to get back there. So, I think there's a mental block creeping up on me as I near that weight. It seems to be subconscious, but I'm becoming more and more aware of it.
There's got to be some documented precedence for this experience out there. I've read a lot of weight loss books, but I don't remember reading anything about this particular problem.
Just wanted to say that I can relate to your situation. Hang in there! I keep telling myself that if I just hang in there, I'll look back this summer and realize that I DID lose weight - even if it's just a bit. If I crater and go off the wagon completely, I'll have a much different result this summer.
I posted about this a week or so ago. I have been losing the same 3-4 lbs for the last 2mnths. Every time I get close to the 140s I become sad and then I binge.
Oh boy do i knoe exactly how you feel! Ive been on my new lifestyle journey since july 2012 and been thoroughly enjoying the whole way! The new foods and choices and exercise just the whole package and once i got to onederland ive come to a skreeching halt! I havent gained anything back BUT i havent lost anything since either! Im still making healthy choices but have been eating out more which isnt something i did much of to begin with. I exercise but not giving it my all. I still have weight to lose and i know this . Everything was coming so easy and enjoyable so maybe i am scared to b small again since its been years? Hmmm...
Have you all explored why it is that you might be scared of being smaller?
Some people don't appreciate the extra attention. Some are afraid of shopping at new stores where they still have the mindset that they are being judged.
The Onederland Curse! Argh!! I think maybe because when you cross the 200 threshold, unless you're very short, it's likely to be the last "100" mark you ever go past. I only started at 212, so I wasn't expecting a plateau so soon. I'd imagine you can have a similar experience when approaching goal, and I fully expect a ****storm when I get to 168, as I'll be breaking the lowest weight I was through most of my 20s.
Lunarsongbird, I have... And it just keeps going round and round my head anyway. I'm not looking forward to the extra attention. Some bad stuff in my past that happened when I was thin, to do with that. I'm trying to talk myself down off the ledge with the thought that certain people aren't specific in just attacking thin people, so the risk is always there. However! If I'm over 200lbs and can only just run for the bus, am I REALLY in a better position than if I were smaller, and fitter from working out? No. It's much better to be small, strong, and agile.
Also, I've screwed up my career, my finances, pretty much everything. So being overweight FITS with that. If I'm at a weight I'm happy with, how am I going to be a martyr? How am I going to get love from people on the basis of them being sorry for me? How am I going to find an excuse for why some things don't work out in my life?
I know that's subconscious stuff, and sounds a bit ugly when I write it down, but it's the honest truth. But, I know I'm capable of so much more, and I don't want to live or think like this. Hence the calorie restriction - I don't want any excuses from myself right now. IE is wonderful, and I'll continue with it, but right now I need to punch through this wall for my own good.
Besides, there's plenty of skinny failures in the world I'm sure I can find a new paradigm to fit into as a rest stop on my way to a better life (right now I would convince myself of ANYTHING to get through this - tell me that the grass is blue and it means I'll get to 195, and I'd believe you!)
I don't know that I don't feel worthy of being thin. I do know that when I got to 198 last time, I stopped, and ended up gaining back 60 of the 65 lbs I lost. And I'm still trying to figure out why - and I need to do that before I lose the next 33 lbs and get back to where I was!!
Part of what I'm doing is turning around the kinds of thoughts like "being thin isn't for people like me" and making it "being thin isn't for sissies!" and making it into a challenge to myself to prove that I really am strong enough, determined enough, powerful enough to do this.
I got within 5 pounds of a 100 pound loss and then blew it all to heck. Same thing at 50 pounds, 75, etc etc etc. I didn't full on binge, but I was unconciously sabatoging myself by eating a little more and working a little less hard, not to mention the mental stress of it all.
I noticed that as soon as my sister in law asked me to be a bridesmaid for her, my "woosh" of a January slowed down to a crawl, and I was sneaking in a lot of cheats. I think because I've failed at so many things anyway, I was setting myself up to fail at this; Not fit into the dress, be heavier in the pictures than I am now.... etc etc. I had to kick my butt and tell myself that I was worthy of fitting into a bridesmaid dress, worthy of having photographic proof that there was 25% less of me than there was the previous June.....
We all have fear that slows us down. It's recognizing it that makes us strong.
Glad I'm not alone here. The past YEAR everytime I get down to 150 I get into, "Well, I guess that's all I can lose" mode and my motivation disappears and before I know it I'm back up to 164ish. NOT THIS TIME...Not this time...dangit all...
Hey all, I'm new here but haven't done an official intro post yet. I just had to reply here first. I'm Rachel!
I'm so glad I'm not the only self-saboteur. For me, I think I do it out of fear of failing. For instance, right now I'm doing really well eating better, drinking ridiculous amounts of water, & working out consistently, even challenging myself with increasingly difficult workouts. However, because I'm gaining muscle, the scale isn't really changing and that has me so frustrated that I just wolfed down four oreos (which my mother brought into the house, but that's a story for another time).
I have never had lasting success in weight loss and I am scared that this time will turn out exactly the same, no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm changing for good. I can't even envision myself over 100 lbs lighter, and that makes me afraid that it's impossible, which makes me depressed and inclined to inhale oreos.
I'm afraid of failing, so I sabotage all that I've been doing well so I don't have to find out that I'm definitely destined to be obese for life. However, I can beat those irrational thoughts when I look in the mirror and see my changing body. I even have a bit of a booty now where I've always had a flat, pancake for a hiney. (Sorry if that's an over-share, but I'm really excited about it!)
This thread makes me so nervous. I have been very lucky to have consistent losses each week (i.e. I lose something, some weeks higher than others).
I feel like I just have to close my eyes and keep going. 199 is such a mental block to me and I don't know why. At first I was so excited for it (and I guess I still am), but something about it scares the living daylights out of me.
I even changed my goal this week as I got so freaked out about it. I am at the point that I just want to drive on by 199 like it's nothing and see if I can get any lower.
It's not turning out to be the celebration that I was hoping it would be, even though in the beginning it was my measurement of "making it".
Radiojane, that's exactly it! I was just adding a little food here, subtracting a bit of exercise there... All to get in my own way. I know I was dead set against TOTAL and strict accountability, because that's made me crazy in the past, but I need it right now. If that means I'm thrown out of the IE puritan club, so be it.
Tenoreo, I think it'll happen when I get near goal too, it's like... I know I can be smaller. I don't need to hurt myself to do it, just stay healthy and it'll happen. That's how it used to go in the past when I was starting at a much lower weight, I really hope I can get rid of that mental block in time! I'd hate to be doing this over and over again every 10-20lbs...
Rachel, hi and welcome! *waves* That's why I'm looking forward to changing up the exercise. Quite apart from the fact I'll feel better, it's something I can fall back on when the scale stalls again. I thought it was happening because I was working out, so I stopped. That, and I had no structure (waiting on 30DS to arrive so that should take care of the "no structure" problem!!). I've measured myself in the hope I'll get SOME nice numbers out of the experience even if they're not coming from the scale And the booty is good!! Not over share at all I've always had one, but it's just kind of getting in my way right now. I want to turn it into something a lot more shapely! I used to skate a lot and my a** looked fantastic! (I was under 120lbs as well, which helped, lol!)
Elvislover, I didn't want to make you feel nervous *hugs* Have you thought about ignoring the scale for 1-2 months and just sticking to plan and doing some serious exercise for a while? Like, take before pics, drop the scale off at a friend's place temporarily, and changing your focus? Maybe you can waltz on past 199 whistling and looking in the other direction... It might be too much uncertainty to take, but I'm leaning towards thinking exercising my way through any plateaus might be the way to go... Like, alternating between fat loss & cardio one month, looking at the scale, then strength and shape the next, looking at the measuring tape. I don't mean doing one at the expense of the other but changing my focus regularly so I always feel like I'm starting a new mini-project. Then if the scale is p***ing me off I can fall back on another approach... This is all, of course, just a theory. But personally I think gains in strength & definition, fitness, agility & flexibility are going to be what I use to fall back on, when I'm afraid I'll just be a little waif who can't fight back if I receive a bit too much unwanted attention... If you know what I mean. I want to be able to punch a guy through a wall if I have to What a motivation to hit the weights, lol!
Sorry, I'm rambling on now. Tbh I'm still trying to get it straight in my own mind.
I've been stuck here for a long time--I think this is as good as it gets.
Ah nooo... I hate that feeling *hugs*
I propose a challenge, if anyone is interested?
Anyone stuck at a plateau... I bring you... THE GREAT BIG ENORMOUS 2LB CHALLENGE!!
Lose 2lbs. That's it. I don't care if you only just see it on the scale, or if you go back up again, or keep losing... Just for the purposes of setting a New Lowest Recent Weight. Who's game?
Elvislover, I didn't want to make you feel nervous *hugs* Have you thought about ignoring the scale for 1-2 months and just sticking to plan and doing some serious exercise for a while? Like, take before pics, drop the scale off at a friend's place temporarily, and changing your focus? Maybe you can waltz on past 199 whistling and looking in the other direction... It might be too much uncertainty to take, but I'm leaning towards thinking exercising my way through any plateaus might be the way to go... Like, alternating between fat loss & cardio one month, looking at the scale, then strength and shape the next, looking at the measuring tape. I don't mean doing one at the expense of the other but changing my focus regularly so I always feel like I'm starting a new mini-project. Then if the scale is p***ing me off I can fall back on another approach... This is all, of course, just a theory. But personally I think gains in strength & definition, fitness, agility & flexibility are going to be what I use to fall back on, when I'm afraid I'll just be a little waif who can't fight back if I receive a bit too much unwanted attention... If you know what I mean. I want to be able to punch a guy through a wall if I have to What a motivation to hit the weights, lol!
I wish I could take a break from the scale but know I definitely can't for a couple of reasons. The first one being I see a nutritionist every week as I am on a medically supervised diet. I get weighed in as soon as I get there. I guess I could ask her not to tell me but so much of my progress has been through celebrating my losses and achieving goals (self set by me, not by my nutrionist). She knows I am a bit anxious too and we are going to talk about it more this week when I see the doctor covering my diet. I have a couple of other doctor's appointments too and I am certain to make sure they know my real weight (lol) and not the one they keep sliding back and forth on that goofy manual scale (I hate it!!). Another reason is my home scale owns me!
You are all my support and inspiration and I guess I just feel helpless that I don't know what to do to help you. Then the selfish part of me worries that it will happen to me too. So many emotions in all of this, even if they aren't our own per se. We all have so much compassion for each other that the things that hurt one person make others feel bad.
Maybe the one-derland bus is waiting for enough people to get on at once and then it's going to take off with all of us.
Being thin isn't for people like me... Anyone else self-sabotage?
I'm sure I can find a new paradigm to fit into as a rest stop on my way to a better life (right now I would convince myself of ANYTHING to get through this - tell me that the grass is blue and it means I'll get to 195, and I'd believe you!)
I've always had one, but it's just kind of getting in my way right now. I want to turn it into something a lot more shapely! I used to skate a lot and my a** looked fantastic! (I was under 120lbs as well, which helped, lol!)
*hugs* Have you thought about ignoring the scale for 1-2 months and just sticking to plan and doing some serious exercise for a while? Like, take before pics, drop the scale off at a friend's place temporarily, and changing your focus? Maybe you can waltz on past 199 whistling and looking in the other direction... It might be too much uncertainty to take, but I'm leaning towards thinking exercising my way through any plateaus might be the way to go... Like, alternating between fat loss & cardio one month, looking at the scale, then strength and shape the next, looking at the measuring tape. I don't mean doing one at the expense of the other but changing my focus regularly so I always feel like I'm starting a new mini-project. Then if the scale is p***ing me off I can fall back on another approach... This is all, of course, just a theory. But personally I think gains in strength & definition, fitness, agility & flexibility are going to be what I use to fall back on, when I'm afraid I'll just be a little waif who can't fight back if I receive a bit too much unwanted attention... If you know what I mean. I want to be able to punch a guy through a wall if I have to 
Then the selfish part of me worries that it will happen to me too. So many emotions in all of this, even if they aren't our own per se. We all have so much compassion for each other that the things that hurt one person make others feel bad. 
