Don't beat yourself up for wanting a deep and physical relationship with a man - that is perfectly normal. The fact is that 99.9% men are wired to gravitate to the most attractive women (thin, young, big boobs, pretty face) and they as a group typically reject overweight and/or unattractive women. Yes, it seems unfair, but if you or I were a "10", would we be looking to date men who are terribly overweight? We would have our choice of any and would choose one of the decent guys you described. I sound harsh but don't mean to be unkind... I know a LOT of men and have had very frank discussions with them on this topic.
I'm not saying that you can't find a good relationship now, but if you keep on your journey toward good health including eating right and serious work in the gym you WILL see results - and there is nothing more empowering than to be in control of your body - and your future.
I'm dating again after divorce and have found one of the gems you described, and I'm sure we would have never gone out if I hadn't lost 40 lbs before we met (I was around 150 when we met). Hang in there and hold your head high. You are in control.
it sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on. I think how we are dealing with our weight gets beamed outwards, and that attracts and deflects. so to say it's an attraction to fat, or non attraction to fat I think is too simple a way to look at it (though of course there are men and women who exist on the edges of the extreme -- hate large sized, love large sized).
I'm in my 40s, but I remember myself and friends being much more focused on physical appearance in my 20s, maybe early 30s. Those feelings for me and other people I knew got replaced by other priorities: interests, career, lifestyle, goals, etc.
I think extremes in life can make it harder to get to know and appreciate who another person is, not just physically, but emotionally too, since I feel like having a large amount of extra weight has given me emotional baggage that has been off putting to people I've had and have relationships with. that coupled with prejudices, and what I perceive as prejudices, whether they are are not, well, it can make it tougher.
losing the weight for me is a mental, spiritual and physical process. I'm having my difficulties. I feel like I'm removing obstacles to the "real me," and making the real me a healthier and better person. The real me is no longer that 320, 330 lb woman I once was, and down the line, the real me won't be the woman I am now at this weight.
My weight has been a huge part of my life experience. I do have times when I think if I'd been thin I'd have had a much different life. Let's face it, that ship has sailed! ha. but I'm not dead yet, and I've lost a good amount of weight, and am much healthier and in better shape. my quality of life has vastly improved, and will improve.
I know someone saying "it's the inside that counts, and someone else will see that too" sounds just like what it is - trite BS! We live in a world, for better or worse, that values other things first. At first glance, yes a thinner girl gets the guy. Boo hoo. Such is life. Taller men get more women, short guys are overlooked, the list goes on and on.
I think you're doing all the right things, checking the desperation, not acting on it, knowing what you want etc., during this process of losing. I almost want to recommend cutting men out of the equation UNTIL you've handled all you want to weight wise and then dip your toe back into the dating pool, but along the way you might miss someone GREAT!
Have you considered online dating? Meeting a guy in the same boat as you? A guy who's overweight now but is working hard on changing it? If a fat guy doesn't appeal to you physically, you kinda are proving their point for them right LOL? Look for a guy where you walk, or work out or shop or whatever, a guy your friends know? I'm sure you've tried all these things, and it's a waiting game I'm afraid, for someone just right to stumble across your path.
I do have to say that being in your late 30s is in your favour, at least men grow up a BIT by that age
I want to invite you to join the singletons thread over in the area for people in there 30's. I am also unintentionally single and celibate for longer then I would like to admit. I think it is more complicated then just fat and thin. Some of it has to do with culture and location. I live in the USA in the south and I am African American. I am about average size in my urban community at 250+. I am popular with a wide range of guys in my community.
I also think about fashion and style. Clothes fit me better at this size then just 20 pounds higher. I take more time with my hair and can wear cuter shoes. I am not saying there are not women of every size that are into fashion but it is harder for me to find cute stuff.
I know women of every size that have bad relationships. I think this is an experience of being a woman in your 30's... you have lived a little and you know what you want. Maybe you can work through this and have some positive experiences to balance out the negative ones? I would encourage you to keep your standards high and try to enjoy the search for Mr. Right when you feel ready emotionally.
Just a thought - are we really the same people we were when we were heavier? Or, did whatever changed in us that allowed us to take steps to lose weight and make healthy changes actually change who we are - even if it's just a little bit? And does that little change show through in ways we don't notice, but others do? How can we even begin to answer this?
We'd all like to think that size doesn't matter one bit to any of us. I don't know if that's true. It may matter way less to someone who has struggled with weight issues than to someone who never struggled, but I think it's something inmate.
Don't give in to feelings of bitterness. Everything that has happened to us up to this instant defines who we are at this instant. Women and men of every size have good and bad relationships. I think we are more sensitive to feeling like others see us as not worthy of being in a relationship, but many thin people feel the same. One of my close friends is a very big woman who is full of confidence that many of our thinner counterparts only dream of having. Just learn to embrace the confidence you feel about what you've accomplished and keep your standards high.
We have to accept who we are right now. I don't think I'm the same person I was a year ago, and I can't separate the "me" who was able to lose 90 pounds from the "me" who didn't even try. We think we're the same, but so many things have happened to make us different and we don't even realize what they are! You've lost almost 100 pounds. You've changed your body. It's impossible that you didn't change your personality, even if you don't think you changed. The new confidence might just be what shows through and attracts the attention you're getting now. Learn to accept it for what it is and try not to judge.
It's a sad fact that we are judged by our weight and physical appearance, but it's probably not going to change. All we can do is hope that our attitude toward others is open and accepting.
Intellectually, I understand you can't change attraction - you're attracted to what you're attracted to and these guys aren't into big chicks. Fair enough. I get it.
Yes, people are attracted to whoever they are attracted too. No rhyme or reason sometimes.
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It's been so long (years!!) since I've had any sort of sexual contact with a man that I sense myself turning like a stupid sunflower towards men - regardless of whether or not I'm into them - that show me that kind of interest.
Yes, now that you are slimmer than before, you are getting more attention. It normal to want to bask in some attention. It doesn't have to mean anything other than enjoying yourself.
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In fact, it was only by embracing my confidence, kindness, intelligence and all that other good stuff that I was able to start losing weight in the first place. Loving and accepting who I am - truly embracing me for me, setting boundaries, pursuing my own life - gave me the sense of self that I was missing but that was essential for my weight loss.
So, you are not the same person any more. You changed. Not just physically in weight but it sounds like inside too.
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The bitterness about the unfairness of it all is also tough. At the same time I'm pulled towards the possibility of something sexual, I'm also experiencing the pain of knowing beyond a doubt that the only real reason I've been single for as long as I have been is because of my weight.
Don't dwell in bitterness over the past. How does this help the new you in the present?
Take the time to reconcile, but then move on.
Remember it isn't just your weight. You changed on the inside too. Rather than nitpick exactly what it was for each person who now notices you... does this person notice me because I'm slimmer? Because I'm more self aware? WHAT?!
Why not just give yourself permission to enjoy the notice? Ask some people out? And then figure out the mutual attraction while dating?
And enjoy that level for a while WITHOUT getting sucked into a big ol' relationship.
Astrophe you said it so well above. I also needed to hear that. One big change I am trying to cultivate is to enjoy the attention without feeling the need to acting on it.
As I stop stuffing down emotion with food I am experiencing all types of feeling more and learning to be okay with it. For me the bitterness is hard to admit and it is hard to move past. I know I have to allow myself to feel it to be able to move past it. It is not uncommon to feel bitter from time to time. I try not to wallow in it or set up camp and stay there.
Bitterness is expected. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel that way.
Enjoy yourself and protect yourself. It's very easy when you're hungry for love to stuff your face and get hurt very quickly. I think the thing we forget is that thinner women get hurt too and just because we lose weight, it won't make everything better.
Also, there's a book I recommend called In the Meantime. I really enjoyed this book and it gave me a lot of perspective during a tough time in my life.
@martini I am glad you started this thread and I look forward to seeing further discussion of these issues that go hand in hand with major weight loss.
Guys act like such losers whether you are skinny or not. I know in society today people have a free pass to be unbelievably cruel to people who are overweight so many of us have experienced a lot of things that would make them seriously bitter. I have my long list and I'm sure it would make you laugh. Just work on what makes you happy and start the process of healing. Remember you need to be the one that calls the shots and so long as you are empowered with who you are your relationships should not be impacted by your weight. Fact is majority of women in the world have their bodies change during their relationship (pregnancy etc.) so the idea of snagging a superficial guy is not necessarily an ideal deal.
I've found that most of the men who wanted a sexual/romantic relationship with me at my higher weights were desperately insecure and wanted someone who they could feel better than (the realization of this always came after all the lovey-dovey romantic fairy dust wore off). They tried to beat me down emotionally and, rather than just leave, I resisted. These relationships ended up getting locked into these horrible cycles where I'd fight for the love and attraction that I had wanted when I entered the relationship in the first place and they'd fight for me to 'accept' that they were so much more awesome than I was.
In retrospect I can see a lot of the mistakes that I made in these relationships and I've learned a lot. One of the things those experiences taught me was how to identify what I really do want and value in a man and in a relationship.
These guys could have done the same thing to a skinny girl. Weight is just one thing people use as an excuse to not treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Focus on being happy. You will run into a lot of FROGS before you find your Prince.
I am new here but this was a very moving post and I wanted to add my thoughts.
First - congratulations on your wonderful journey and awesome weight loss so far!!
Second, I applaud you for sharing such a real and honest post that tackles one of the facts of life that would have been so different in an ideal world.
I have to say that as an idealist, one of the hardest things for me are facing some of these things about this world that seem so inherently wrong. But they all tie back to the fact that we as humans are just not very perfect creatures. And though we 'strive' for good things (generally) inner emotions many times reflect selfish, strange, and sometimes down-right evil personalities.
In an ideal world, the weight of a person would not matter. It would attract nice people, because its about who you are inside, right? Well, I guess in an ideal world all of us would not have to deal with being overweight too.
But I tend to agree with you that in this real world loving yourself, while it definitely IS critical for your well-being and helps, isn't by itself alone enough to easily attract and maintain the kinds of men that one hopes to have in a mate. I feel like there's some certain threshold or something, where most men in this category get put off. Not fair, but its the truth that I wish weren't so.
To make things worse, I think where it comes to relationships in general, woman get the rotten end of the stick. Sure, when we are young and goodlooking, the world is our oyster, and one can land any man they want. With age and size, we go further and further down the line in the desired pile. No matter what kind of personality a man looks for a in a woman, weight (at a certain point) seems to be the dealbreaker.
What is worse, some time ago I was very sad to learn about a whole sub-world of substitute women (artificial partners that our modern world creates) where it is ALL about looks and nothing real. What happens is some men (who can't meet a real woman that's quite up to their standards) settle in and are content with their artificial substitutes. So much for it being all about the person on the inside. There is no person on the inside. They still meet their social needs through friends and family and such, but since their sex life is taken care of, there is no need to hunt for a partner. At least not very aggressively.
So essentially, it takes even more men who would have otherwise gone out there to hunt for real relationships with real women, out of the picture. Young beautiful women will always be desired, but those that are not, now have to not only compete with better looking real-life women, but with the option to have a fake woman entirely. Doesn't hurt the pretty ones (even if they might have a long-term monster personality), but what about the wonderful ladies with a heart of gold on the inside who just happen to be the wrong size or the wrong age?
This is what I would suggest with all this sad but true reality.
First, STILL dont settle for anyone who is obviously not going to be healthy for you in the long run. It is a time waster (wastes your years, and drains your life and you still end up at square one).
Second, find a way to have a satisfying sex life that doesn't involve bringing any unwanted guy into your life. You don't really NEED a man for this. And it will take the edge off and not make you feel like a sunflower. Men find/use substitutes afterall, well heck, so can we.
Thirdly, just continue on your weight loss journey and use every available opportunity to continue searching for Mr Right. There days with the internet to connect people, its alot easier to find people than before. It may still take some time to find the right one, but don't give up. Certainly nothing will happen if you do nothing.
But in the mean time just keep going to a healthier, slimmer you. Do keep loving yourself and investing in yourself in terms of looking good. Learn how to make yourself the most attractive possible at any time. Its not vain, it actually makes you feel good!
Ugh, wow, where do I even start. I can't think of which point I relate to best. I feel like I relate to them all. You're actually handling it better than I am. I'm so fed up with the process. It's been an extremely long time for me and I'm craving human contact. Just anything. A kiss, a hug, even a pat on the back would probably help. But I've partially put up a wall and I partially think that guys will never find me attractive. And it didn't help that I had a year long trial of online dating sites that went miserably. Ending with me trying an experiment of posting a pic of a thinner girl and surprise suddenly got lots of emails. I was miserable and bitter after that.
But I really have decided that I have to set that aside for now for my 'get healthier' journey. I do think that things happen for a reason and it may take you years after to realize why. And, for me, I'd like to think that there is someone spectacular around the corner when I'm ready to let him in. But I really don't think I'm ready right now.
Anyway, that's my story. I'm on hold for awhile. But I totally understand wanting something. Hopefully it will happen for both of us eventually.
being single, losing weight, dealing with dating
