I'm so tired of my husband not knowing how to support me in my weight loss. I need him on board. He clearly told me the other day he does not know how to support me and I just don't get it. He is super skinny and can pretty much eat what he wants and I tell him when something he is doing is bothering me. (For example buying a pie when I asked him to lay off the junk food for awhile or eat it at work) I've been on here everyday reading and responding to what you guys are talking about and it's helping me so much, but this is really all the support I am getting. My only family by me here that I talk to is my Mom and Sister who do not help me whatsoever. They are heavy and just continue to be fat and not care. All they ever want to do is eat out and I'm tired of it. So is it too much to ask that my husband support me?
I know he is having a hard time in knowing what to do to support me, but I feel like he just doesn't care. For example tonight we were having pizza for dinner. We never go and get breadsticks when we are just having a frozen pizza, but he tells me lets go get breadsticks. I'm like fine I just will have 1. So we come home I cook the pizza and normally (can't believe I'mgoing to say this) I will eat 4 slices (400 cal per slice) and he will eat four and my son 1 piece. Well, I cut up some slices of cucumber with pepper and salt and I steam a bunch of broccoli. I eat 1 slice of pizza, 1 bread stick and broccoli and cucumber slices. Does he say anything? NOPE not a word. So I start talking about how good I have been doing and how it's awsesome because now our Son is eating so much better. Even then I don't get so much as a that's great. I'm glad your doing good. It upset me so much. Now TOM is here so I'm wodering if that's why I'm so upset about it or what. I got so upset and cried and he just gave me a hug and said it'll be ok. I was even more pissed. I want him to tell me great job, your doing great, just something.
This is usually where I cave because I feel like I'm not getting support. I managed not to overeat tonight and right now I'm having fruit, but I stood in that kitchen forEVER because I was dealing with some very familiar feelings I get every tim I'm about to start eating everything in site. I'm glad i made it through, but I have got to figure out a way to get my hubby on board if I'm going to make it through this long long journey.
I truly sympathize with you. Just like you, im with a man who actually cant seem to gain weight. He fights the opposite battle as me. He is trying to do anything to gain weight and that means he can eat and eat and eat and when i see him just eating and eating and eating , it makes me want to because if he can how come i cant? but its not true..its a lie.. i cant eat like him anymore.. i became the way i am because i didnt care about what or how much i ate..He too did not support me at all and like you i got upset and mad and decided to say to him that im going to quit cause why try if i just feel like a failure all the time..he then asked "how do i support you" and thats true..he has a valid point. .Guys and people who dont struggle with it, end up walking on eggshells amongst the people that do, because typically people battling weight issues are more sensetive than others..and its hard to know what to say..my hunny thought he was supporting me by not letting me eat something one time and in turn i turned around and said "your treating me like im a child"...So he backed off..The best form of support i could ask for from him is to "drive me to the gym, keep the junk food in the car and give me a back massage when i feel down and tell me a compliment" So that is what he does..he drives me to the gym faithfully when i ask, gives me a back rub..and he tries hard to not eat junk around the house in front of me..although i have found that if i offer to him what i cook, he will eat it just cause it tastes good..if i plan the meals and make dinner, than he doesnt get a say as to what we buy or eat.
Its like..we cant expect our hunnys to read our mind and know what we want to hear..just like they cant know what we want them to do..or how to do it..we have to communicate that..
I read your post but I don't quite understand what it is you want from your husband.
If I read it correctly, you got upset because he didn't comment on how restrained you were with the meal.
And yet, some other time, he did comment when he thought you were overeating, and you got angry at him for it.
If I were him, I wouldn't have commented on your food either.
It sounds to me like when you say you want his "support," you mean you want him to "say exactly what I want to hear at each moment, which can shift depending upon my mood and my circumstances."
No human being is going to be able to live up to that.
Instead of getting upset at your husband for his imperfect mind-reading skills, why not focus on your own eating and your own accomplishments. You restrained yourself in the face of temptation. That's a good thing. Pat yourself on your back. Stop looking to your husband to validate everything you do, because he's just not going to be able to navigate the minefield of doing that without becoming the Amazing Kreskin.
I agree, the dude can't win. After 20 odd years with DH, we have a system! I tell him "I need Bob today" LOL his name is NOT Bob, but "Bob" is the guy who will be fluffy and sweet and mushy with me, usually a few days prior to TOM (wow lots of different dudes hahaha) and he brings it! He needs to KNOW what I want, not guess. So I make it easy for him!
Also, not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, but there's always going to be food temptations everywhere you go, your own house included. Other people can eat what they want, you're responsible for what goes on your plate and in your mouth, no one 'makes you' eat breadsticks etc., it's easy to blame others but it's all on us ~ which is a GOOD thing believe me! Once you get a handle on it, you can feel safe and secure walking through a gauntlet of food and treats and just say 'umm not right now thanks' and keep going!
Sassyangies, Hang in there girl. If you have truly made up your mind that this is the time you will stick with the plan, then you can do it all by yourself. And you have us here at 3FC to help you out. This website (and low carb friends is my other staple) has helped me out ENORMOUSLY. You came to the right place to vent your frustration.
I watch my DH and my kids eat stuff I could never have without gaining. I just know that I am doing it this time, and I am doing it for ME. Somehow my willpower has to overcome all the temptations (and lack of support). I have strategies for dealing with temptations that come up. Always stock some safe foods that you can go to when you feel the need to cheat.
I have been stalled at the same weight for a month now. Talk about frustration! But, I have been faithful to eating on plan and am just now starting to see the scale budge. And I didn't gain!
It will take a long while before anyone besides you notices you have lost weight. But, that first unsolicited comment, from DH or someone else, will be well worth it.
What kind of eating plan are you on?
I'm sure you can get lots of tips from this forum. We all have to support each other, so lean on us, lean hard, and know you can do this.
Thank you guys!!! It's exactly what I needed to here. When I woke up this morning and started to think about it I came to the exact conclusion. I called him and actually said I was sorry. He was confused, but I told him that I was mad at him and that it wasn't right.
He can't read my mind and I'm expecting him to when I need to be the one to validate myself. I need to be happy for myself that I have done so good.
I was about to give you some words of wisdom, but it seems that you already received them and really listened! That is awesome!
I think expressing exactly what you need to your partner is what everyone should do.
My BF and I discussed this a long time ago, we will honestly listen (and rather than being defensive we thank that person for opening up) when the other is telling us what they need, and we will never expect the other to automatically know what we are thinking. It's worked out so far!
If you have a husband who is naturally supportive and knows what to say and when to say it please give him an extra big hug tonight because I just don't think there are enough of them out there! Women seem to be more naturally sensitive to giving positive feedback when it's appropriate but men not so much.
I think as women we often THINK we're better at giving positive feedback, but I'm not sure we really are. I think we do tend to consider it more important, but I don't know that we're any better at it.
When I was living with women, I had the same issues with feeling unsupported. My mother and sisters were never providing the "right kind" of support - because well mostly because no matter what they said it was usually the wrong thing at the wrong time.
If they said nothing, I resented it.
If they commented on what I was eating, they were food police.
If they complimented me, it was either "too little too late," or it was "too much pressure to be perfect," or it felt like they were trying to control me or were only caring about my weight, not my other acheivements....
No matter what they did or didn't do, it very often felt like the wrong thing.
When we complain about people giving the wrong kind or amount of support, from men men, we say "they don't care or understand," but with women we say "they're just jealous."
But the thing is we get the same commentary whatever the result is. People who are trying to help too much are "food cops," and people who try to help too little are "saboteurs and enablers."
I often think the stress of weight loss often makes it impossible for anyone to provide the kind and amount of support we think we want and need, and it's easier (and more socially acceptable) to blame other people for their lack of support than to find ways to meet our own needs.
We're "taught" to make weight loss about what other people are doing for us, and "thinking about us" (or at least what we think, they're thinking).
My husband and I are both trying to lose weight, and we aren't the best support for each other. We learned the hard way that the best support we could give was to stay out of the other person's weight loss.
We have different trigger foods, we have different emotional issues regarding foods, we have different sanity-saving splurges (and my sanity savers can be my hubby's trigger food, and vice versa - so if we keep each other's trigger foods out of the house, there wouldn't be much left to eat except lettuce).
Also, what seems like support one minute can feel a lot like "controlling behavior" the next, especially when you're stressed or irritable (and irritability can be an unavoidable side effect of diet changes - or any drastic life changes).
I get my best support from 3FC and my TOPS group. I've been trying to convince hubby to come to the TOPS group (taking off pounds sensibly), but he's not at all interested. He says he'll go if I "need" him to be there, and I was tempted to say "Yes, I need you there for MY success," but I decided that I wasn't going to start lying to him, just because I wanted him there (even if I thought it was for "his own good"). I realized he's an adult, and I have to treat him like one.
Funny thing is I thought I was being supportive of him (and wanted him to give me the same support I was giving him). But I learned that I wasn't supporting him, I was nagging him - and I was patting myself on the back for my good job, and complaining about his lack of progress. Then I found an old medical summary from the doctor and realized that in the time it took me to lose 90 lbs, he had lost over 80. In my mind, I was moving forward, and he was dragging his feet, and it turned out we both were making great progress (slow progress, but great progress).
For whatever reason, we can't be each other's support where weight loss is concerned, and that's ok - we don't have to be. Because there are a lot of possible sources for support, and ways to access it. I do wish my hubby had as much support as I feel I do, but I can't BE it, so I have to let that go.
I know my situation is a little different, but in learning that I couldn't be the kind of support my husband needed, I also learned that there was no shame in him being unable to be my support either. I just had to find it elsewhere.
SASSY...So glad you're feeling better on this. Congrats on fighting the pizza and winning. SASSY-1, PIZZA-0. I also am married to the skinny DH who can eat plates of nachos (like he did tonight) and never gain a pound.
I realize that my weight loss affects everyone around me. I am learning healthier habits and how to commit to exercise. I have to let others around me learn how to support me....because it is different and it is new for them as well. I realized that when I first started, DH loved me but he was afraid of ONLY buying healthy stuff because I would blame him for trying to control my diet. He was also afraid of getting pizza because I would truly have a come apart. Now, he's learned to tell me what he wants and then ask me what I'm having (or if it's something I can eat). I've learned how to not make him feel bad and too make "healthier" options out of his high calorie choices. For example, he adores nachos. I decided to switch cheeses to Campbell's canned cream of cheddar soup with a little milk. Not low calorie but much healthier than Velveeta.
It takes time. Because he loves you he'll find his place. Until he does, we're herefor you.
No need to add more advice, so I'll just say I think you handled the pizza meal very well. I try to make a salad to go with every meal and eat it first. You essentially did the same thing when you cut up the fresh veggies. It takes the edge off and allows you a bit of time to think through the eating process. (I know. If we were truly capable of this we would never eat except out of hunger and none of us would be heavy.) I do think it helps.
As you go along this process, it may become easier for the 2 of you to communicate your needs. Even changes for the good are sometimes hard to deal with at first. Hang in there and keep the lines of communication open.
I'm sorry your mom and sister aren't on board with this. If you can still meet them for meals, I'd try to do it. No discussion has to take place. Just eat in a healthy way and quietly lose the weight. They'll see and accept or see and reject. They will probably take your success as negative judgement on them, so be prepared for that. Or maybe they'll see you doing it and decide they can lose also.
Hope it all works out. You can get all the support you need in here. Just keep on coming in.
If you have a husband who is naturally supportive and knows what to say and when to say it please give him an extra big hug tonight because I just don't think there are enough of them out there! Women seem to be more naturally sensitive to giving positive feedback when it's appropriate but men not so much.
Done! Yes, I am incredibly lucky (and I NEVER forget that). My husband is so incredibly helpful and supportive. He knows what to say...to be supportive AND to help give me a reality check when that's what I need to. He also tells me all the time, he loved me before I started losing weight (I was near my highest weight when we met) and he loves me now...but he REALLY loves how happy I am.
I really don't have much more to add...communication is definitely the key.
I can totally relate to the mom and sister stuff...my mom will try to be supportive, but my sister won't acknowledge my weight loss at all. I agree...try and spend time with them. If they aren't supportive, then don't discuss what you are doing with them. It's hard...I know for me, a lot of my friends are much more supportive than my own family. I used to get really angry about that, but that's their issue, not mine.
How do I tell him I need more?
I also am married to the skinny DH who can eat plates of nachos (like he did tonight) and never gain a pound.
