[Goddess Jessica]

My two cents:

I once had a boyfriend that did the same thing your husband does. It was very hard to do anything because he tore me down whatever I had built up in myself. My course of action was to leave (and I lost 40 pounds when I did). Of course, I'm not suggesting that for you, each situation is different.

However, consider getting yourself some therapy. A marriage counselor is good too but get a therapist for yourself. Trust me, you'll receive unbelievable benefits from this action. An unbiased third party perspective on your life is sometimes what you need to understand your life.

And we're always here for you too.

[Step]

((Hugs)) to you Debbie.

For what it's worth, the situation you describe is NOT all that uncommon. Somebody posted about it on the general support board last week and I answered, pretty much like Jennelle did, over there.

Treat yourself well and do what's best for you!

[SummerdayWinterCold]

Last night we fought .. talked .. and cried. I told him once again how I felt. I was honest about everything; i have never, nor do I now feel worthy of his love and I've never got any support from him.

He told me that he brags to people all the time about how hard I work, how well my business is doing .. yada yada yada. It really doesn't make a flying flip unless I HEAR IT.

It basically came down to me telling him that I could not spend my life trying to earn his approval/love (I never get it anyway). If i wasn't enough for him, then we needed to go our seperate ways.

I think he actually listened to me. He apolized for making me feel so bad, and promised to try and be more supportive and loving.

A few of you mentioned counseling, and I think that it something that we really need to look into. I plan on talking to him about it, and seeing if he is open to the idea. I think some of the issues we are dealing with now are coming from his childhood. It wasn't a great one; his mother was controlling and manipulative, and his father was critical of himself and everyone around him. To boot, they both drank liquor like they were scared someone was going to take it away from them. Also, my father was/is very controlling, and critical. Perhaps I have some issues also because of that .. codependent of some sort ?!? I think we can make it, but we are going to need outside help .. as we have serious communication problems; I say apple .. he says orange.

Thanks again !!!

[jiffypop]

debbie... so glad to read this last post!! REAL PROGRESS!!! now, please. no matter what happens, get some counseling for yourself. you both have things to work out, separately and together, so don't neglect yourself no matter what happens. it's a big, sometimes scary journey, but well worth the effort.

we're with you!!!!

[MzPen]

Debbie -- what your husband said about how he brags to everyone about you sounds so familiar. My husband does the same kind of thing ... though he doesn't tear me down, and I can't say he's entirely unsupportive of me, he doesn't give that "coach-like" support that I could use sometimes -- something that I've seen him give to others!

I mainly wanted to say to try and be patient ... It sounds to me that there's a definite glimmer of hope here! Although my issues were different, I know how horrible it feels to go through the arguing and discussing and crying - sometimes it feels it will never end. Working through this kind of thing takes time, and you can experience "one step forward, two steps back." Keep believing in yourself ... keep trying to learn and understand about his attitudes ... And if he doesn't want to go to counseling, think about going by yourself. Even a few sessions can help.

Take care.

[Step]

((Hugs)) to you Debbie.

You've gotten some great advice here. I just wanted to add that this problem is more common than you may think. Somebody posted about it on the 3FC's 'General Chatter' board just a few weeks ago.

I wish you the best.