And I agree with the conclusion that everyone looks at other people, I do it, and my dh does it. It's not just man's nature, it's human nature, it's how we're hard wired.
I'm sorry too for not letting it drop but I do have to say this is true for me too about TOM, my hormones have made me say totally kookie things, and there IS NO WINNING with the "how do I look" comments when I'm in that mode!
and it's dang hard not to look sometimes, for me, sure, and for bf.
Last edited by dragonwoman64; 08-22-2010 at 06:44 PM.
Sorry from me, too, for not letting it die. But I just wanted to add that I do own my feelings all the time, but yes, my DH would probably have a right to make a red flag list on me during TOM. I wouldn't say 25% of the time, cause it's really only bad about 3 days. So I'd guess about 10%. hahahaha Sometimes when I'm rattling on about something, or in tears for something that simply would NOT make me cry at any other time, I actually am AWARE that I am psycho-ing out, but I can't really stop myself. Then I feel guilty and embarrassed, and I appreciate the fact that he can overlook it. Maybe I am flawed, but that does make it easier for me to overlook the occasional faux-pas from others, including the man I love, even though he has the nerve to think Megan Fox is a hottie.
Well....I wasn't going to say anything else but since yall decided to not let the thread die I figured I'd clarify what I was saying:
I'm not telling anyone to dump anyone. I was simply pointing out, that a lot of us women have a problem of SELF-RESPECT and RESPECTING our feelings. We're trained up and taught to stuff and squish our feelings to the bottom and not to give them any care or respect. We're taught to invalidate them and rationalize them away by claiming hormonal problems. We as women need to respect OURSELVES and not claim "we're just crazy on our TOM" or "I only was so sensitive because it was my monthly" or "I was *****y this morning so I was lucky that he wasn't mean to me then" (is that an excuse for him hurting you?) or "He's just being a man, I shouldn't be so sensitive".
imo if I'm walking beside my husband and he looked at another girl and I noticed, I'd feel humiliated and embarrassed and hurt. He's walking beside ME?? And I'd be especially hurt and humiliated if SHE noticed too. That would hurt me.
I don't f-ing care what YOU all think about that, I'd PERSONALLY feel humiliated. Those are MY feelings, not yours, not anyone elses. I don't care how YOU react to that, if that hurts and humiliates me, thats what is important to me. Don't try to define me and tell me that its not right for that hurt me. Those are MY feelings, and if I'm hurt by them, I need to talk to my H about it. And if he does it again, thats a pattern. I also don't humiliate my husband by eyeing men who are walking by who are hot either. I have something called self-control and I use it to protect his dignity. I use it to make him feel like he's the sexiest man alive. Because I LOVE him. And imo, he IS the sexiest man alive!
Another thing, TOM doesn't turn me insane. Sometimes I think women use their TOM to act on their feelings they've suppressed the other three weeks of the month. a. thats not fair to your TOM, and b. thats not fair to your heart the other three weeks of the month. You only pay attention to your feelings if your hormones are out of whack? How f-d up are the other three weeks if you don't care about how you feel?
PinkHoodie, I wasn't telling you to dump his sorry ***, thats your choice. I was telling you that you shouldn't ignore your feelings if it hurt. And I hope he apologized sincerely, and I hope he doesn't do it again.
btw I'm not a bra-burning feminist. I'm quite attached to my bras thank you very much. I'm a person who use to hurt a lot, I'm a person who lived at the bottom and always put my feelings to the bottom of the priority. I always rationalized away my hurt feelings and thought I was too sensitive. I always blamed my hormones and TOM for when I actually DID explode about something. But the fact is, when you don't respect your own feelings on a daily basis, you'll eventually build up a lot of ignored feelings at the end.
Just because you love someone doesn't give them a right to hurt you.
Just because you love someone doesn't give you a right to hurt them.
I hope you all apologize sincerely when you treat your spouses badly and STOP treating them badly.
No one has an excuse to hurt me. And if they do, I expect an apology-because there is no excuse for that behavior, and I expect them NOT to repeat it. And I expect the same out of myself. Because I THINK that highly of myself. I have standards, for both them and me.
teaching our daughters that our feelings aren't important and its okay for men to behave like pigs because they are ya know, "MEN" is just setting us all up for abusive marriages, marriages where the man belittles and humiliates his wife, maybe even hits her every now and then, and she's confused the whole time and still thinks she "really loves" him even though he doesn't care about her and treats her badly. LITTLE things....escalate to bigger things, and bigger things and even BIGGER things. Where are our boundaries ladies? Where is the "line" of what you will or will not tolerate? How much respect do you expect from the men in your lives?
A little bit of self-respect goes a long way.
And I've learned to respect my feelings 100% of the time. My heart is NEVER not important.
boots~ Sounds like you may have had a rough go of things in your life. Sorry to hear that. And I'm glad you learned to respect yourself and listen to your gut feelings.
As for me, I have no issue with self respect (self confidence is another story, but hey, we can't have it all!). I expect my man to respect me just as much as I respect him. But I am also realistic, even the people you respect do things you wouldn't respect. And you either decide they aren't the person you thought they were, or you love them in spite of those things. For instance, I know my dh looks at the occassional woman, even when we're together. That doesn't bother me, that is my personal feelings. If he said something about it, THAT would bother me. That's where I draw the line, and we all draw our lines in different places. Just because someone else isn't okay with something I'm okay with doesn't mean I lack anything.
And TOM hormones are a scientifically documented fact, as are the way they affect your brain chemistry, it's not just a universal excuse to be b*tchy once a month. They make you much more susceptible to your emotions. Example: I normally wouldn't freak out because I spilled some juice on the floor, I would be a bit upset, but no biggie, life goes on. During about the three or four days before TOM those hormones make that juice a huge deal, and I'll cuss at myself for dropping the glass and then probably cry about it while I'm mopping it up off the floor.
And I would like to get a bit snippy and ask that you not assume to know or comment on what I (or anyone else) are teaching our daughters. I know it was a generalization on your part, but I take great pride in how I raise my baby girls (as I'm sure you do too) and the morals and values I teach them. When you attack my view points and then proceed to talk about those view points as they pertain to raising kids, I take it a bit personally.
I'm sorry for dragging this post back up to the top.
Last edited by Latchkey Princess; 08-22-2010 at 09:57 PM.
You are allowed to feel however you want about things. Of course you should value yourself. However, this thread is not about someone who is being constantly belittled. She said that her husband typically makes her happy. This thread is not about someone whose husband is wolf calling women and thrusting his pelvis at them while out with his wife. This thread certainly isn't about someone being smacked around. It is someone who vented some insecurity and thenresolved it with her spouse.
The implication that, because a woman says she feels more emotional during her period, she is stifling her emotions and teaching her daughter to devalue her own emotions is insulting and ludicrous. Some women have stronger emotional reactions to hormonal changes and that does not mean that she is emotionally crippled and only allowing herself to feel her true emotions when she has hormones to blame. Certainly there may be some women for whom that is true, but it isn't true for everyone.
My daughter sees a healthy marriage in which both partners acknowledge when they've been overly sensitive or not sensitive to the needs of the other. She sees two people who respect each other, but are not perfect and sometimes make mistakes.
You are right that love doesn't give you the right to hurt someone, but love also doesn't make you perfect. Respect is a pivotal part of every relationship, but forgiveness is as well. Because people forgive their spouses' shortcomings does not mean they lack self respect.
I am sorry you hurt in the past and glad you have found strength in yourself. You deserve that. There are a lot of shades of gray between stifling your emotions constantly and standing up for yourself without apology, though, and just because someone doesn't go all or nothing doesn't mean she is destined to live the life of a cowed, stifled, silent shadow of a person.
but I do have to say this is true for me too about TOM, my hormones have made me say totally kookie things, and there IS NO WINNING with the "how do I look" comments when I'm in that mode!
