I agree that teaching your kids to make good food choices when out in the "real world" is important, but at this age, that's not the issue. The issue is that the adults are still resposible for the food that the kids eat, and need to provide healthy foods for them. It's not like he could say "Gee those chicken nuggets don't look healthy; I think I'll jump in my car and go out for some Subway instead" Besides, most kids figure that grandparents are there to protect them and that if they offer food, then it must be okay to eat it.
In our family, my parents could be trusted to watch my kids for a week or more, and would offer healthy foods, but if they only have them for one night, then they give them junk - it's kind of a grandparent's right. If they're going to have them for more than one night, then they need to recognize that they're responsibility crosses over into parenting and nutrition as well. My inlaws baby-sat our niece for 5 years every day, and they fed her nothing but junk food for 5 years because they said it was their right as grandparents, and now our niece is 14 and is significantly obese. And now my mother-in-law, who is horribly anti-fat lectures her on her weight and criticizes her constantly. Lovely!
BTW if anyone ever does have their kids doing WiiFit, you may not want to do a body test on them. My 8 yo did a body test and that stupid WiiFit board called him overweight - he looked so upset. Why can't that stupid game recognize that calling a kid fat is not motivational and is really upsetting?! It calculates the age; it "knows" that he's only 8!
Kuchick-- I get what you are saying, and I think we are informed a lot by our own personal experiences...
People who feel that they developed obesity problems by being fed junk food at home tend to want to fix that by sheltering their kids from junk. People (ike me) who grew up in a highly controlled food environment tend to want to be extremely liberal about food in the hopes that kids won't develop a "forbidden fruit" attitude toward food.
In fact, there is quite a bit of solid research that indicates that what are called "harmful feeding practices" contribute to childhood obesity, and what are "harmful feeding practices?" In a nutshell, they involve being over controlling in what kids eat-- things like limiting access to sweets, controlling portion sizes rather than letting kids serve themselves... things that sound like GOOD things, but that can actually lead to very dysfunctional eating behavior.
Now-- I'm NOT saying that Eliana is doing any of this. I'm only saying that in my opinion it is DEFINITELY something that we, as weight concious parents, need to be aware of. Modeling healthy behaviors is good. Being too controlling about what kids eat can be a recipe for disaster.
So I just bring it up as part of the general dialogue.
I know that you can't over-control what your kids eat. I guess I'm just saying that if a child is offered nothing but junk, you can't expect them to say no. Let's face it - junk food tastes good, even more so to little kids because I believe their taste buds are different adults'. I'm not condoning being over-controlling, but teaching kids what is healthy and what really isn't - how else are they to know? We have fruit snacks, granola bars, fruit rollups, and some candy in the house as well as apples, bananas, plums, peaches, and cherries. For the snacks that I consider "less healthy" I try to find the healthiest versions I can find - ie granola bars and fruit snacks with no HFCS, rollups that are 100% fruit, but they're still not ideal, and my kids typically can pick their own snacks, but there are rules. One granola bar a day, one pack of fruit snacks a day, etc. For the most part, they make their own snack choices, and they're usually healthy (all on their own!), but if they ask for a second granola bar, I will say no, and if they don't eat dinner (and I know they are all foods they like) they can't have something unhealthy instead. I'm thinking about starting a "snack box" at the beginnning of each day and have the kids pick out their own snacks for the day and eat from it. Maybe it will help teach them portion control?
His makeup is that of a lazy couch potato. It just is. And there's nothing I can do about it and never has been. .
Don't force him into this box so soon. As a teacher, one thing I know is that kids do change--at times, radically. So while it may be true that you can't really make him change, you can avoid making him feel like this is the person he is "doomed" to be.
I was socially awkward at about your son's age. TO THIS DAY my mother is convinced I lack social skills. I had trouble reading people then, so she thinks that is inherently who I am. It's not. I have fabulous social skills--I spent years and years and years developing them. But my mom thinks I can't have those skills because it's just my makeup.
Are you sure he feels well? I gained a lot of weight one summer at about your son's age and it turned out I had a chronic sinus infection: I was suddenly lazy and indolent because I was sick, but I didn't realize it.
I have experience with slightly older kids, but a lot of them go from sport to sport before they find one they really love: for example, a lot of kids that hate team sports love track and field or swimming, because they are challenging themselves. And even things like drama club get a kid more active.
This thread has given me a lot to think about. I'm an aunt, and while I don't give the kids junk food during the days I'm babysitting (one is too young), reading this thread made me realize that I should be aware of this too and give them the treats in small quantities.
I was curious -- is the mom-in-law overweight/obese? Maybe having the g-kids there gives her an "excuse" to indulge herself without guilt?
I think you have every right to be upset that all your progress with your kids seems to have been undone in 1 week with the grandparents. However, look at it as a lesson learned. You have no reason to feel guilty. With your now healthy lifestyle, I know it might seem almost like they abused your child with food, but from their perspective it was love and spoiling. I really don't know if you'll be able to curb future "spoilings" but I'm sure your son realizes there's a difference between a vacation and what is acceptable in normal life.
I guess what I'm saying is that put things in perspective and don't let your son notice (the reason for) your anger. I'm sure your son realizes he's a little plumper and feels miserable himself (put yourself in his shoes, it sucks to be back to square 1 as anyone who's fallen of the weightloss wagon knows). I'm also sure most of the gained weight will drop off now that he's off the junk food diet he was on for a week, and the rest, will come off gradually especially since you try to enforce a healthy lifestyle at home. It'll be fine. I can see that you try to be sensitive in getting your kids healthy (e.g. with the water challenge and the points too) and I think that's great and you're awesome for that. As a former overweight kid, I know how tough it is, and I can imagine as a parent trying to get your kid healthy, it must be even tougher to be effective, and teach the right attitude and still be sensitive and not give your kids a complex. So well done you! You already got your kid healthier before, you'll undo the damage no problem, I'm sure.
Ya know, what the heck's a parent to do? Childhood obesity is in the news all the time and you know who the finger is pointed at? The parent. And rightfully so...I think. Yet here I am, faced with a child who is obese and I don't know what to do. I am at a complete loss.
I know the best advice is to live by example. Done. But it doesn't seem to be enough.
I just hate this. The finger pointing is awful and it's mostly me doing it, right back at myself. All of you know as parents what that's like. I breastfed him, I made his baby food from scratch, I limited screen time significantly until he was in the first grade (as in 1/2 hour a day at most). But this little boy of mine sometimes strikes me as being on the autism spectrum somewhere. He has never ever played with toys. His early years were very interesting because I refused to let him watch TV or play video games and he refused to play with toys. What did he do all day? Rolled around the floor. Stared out the window. Sat and watched whatever I was doing. Went inside his head. Honestly, as he grew, I gave up. I gave up on teaching my child to play, something I didn't know parents needed to teach. As a ten year old, his activities include TV, video games, oragami and learning magic tricks from Youtube. And putting him in a box? Yep, he's done a right good job of that himself. His OCD therapist is amazed at how strong his box is. We're actually working on expanding his box in therapy and teaching him that it's ok to share that "box" with his brother. These two brothers flat refuse to do any activity they consider to be in their brothers' "box".
I realize I'm in the minority here, but as a grandmother myself, it just seems to me like not as big as a deal as it sounds like. When my grandkids are with me, I like to spoil them and let them do what mom doesn't let them do. That's the fun of being a grandparent.
Everything you've worked for in the last year is certainly not going to be undone in one week. As has been said already, most of it is probably water, and some of it may be actual fat, but he'll take it back off.
It is important to teach our kids good and healthy habits, but if we're too controlling, then eventually they'll just rebel. We can teach them and give them healthy options, but we have to let them make some of their own choices. My parents started putting me on diets at 5 years old, and every chance I got I snuck into treats. When I was finally old enough to make my own choices, I ate all the things I was forbidden before. So when my 6 kids came along, I tried to give them healthy options, but there were treats and things in the house too. The more it's forbidden, the more they want it, which may be why your son was so anxious to overeat while with grandma. He knew it may be another year before he gets these things again.
My son with Asperger's Syndrome behaves much as yours does. He prefers video games and reading. He is very uncoordinated which makes physical activities difficult sometimes. He still can't ride a bike and running makes his feet hurt (he has my dad's extremely flat feet which make his feet turn inward and overstress the muscles of his legs), but we're slowly finding things that he enjoys doing, and eventually his coordination and maturity will improve so that he can learn to ride a bike.
It also causes eating problems because he has sensory issues with food. There are many foods that he won't eat because the texture doesn't agree with him. He has been getting better lately - eating more fruit and he has a few veggies that he'll eat now, but if left to himself, he would choose over-processed junk because there is so much less work to chew it, and all the texture is pretty bland and uniform.
It sounds like you're doing all that you can and I applaud your efforts. I'm sure that you'll find that most of the weight will come off quickly. I love your idea with the poker chips; I may have to use that trick for chores, too.
Well , I will tiptoe lightly on this one because I was once the kid who's Mom pushed diet and exercise down my throat all my life. My Mother started a Weight watcher type class/diet when I was around 8 so the whole family was forced to change because of it. Her tactics left me feeling like I wasn't good enough as I was in her eyes. I see now she tried to "help" by controlling what she could at home and I felt the need to show her I was happy just how I was by staying overweight my whole life till now. It was a standoff between us and it took me 31 years to come to terms with getting healthy.
I am a Mother to 6 children (4 boys 2 girls). My chubby 10 year old son grew to be a THIN 14 year old that he is now. He can easily still be wearing the same clothes he had back then if he wouldn't have worn them out as boys do. We found sports to be far more fun and encouraging for him and he plays football and wrestles. Since in the last 2 years I have gotten healthy myself I only try to include my kids in the more "fun" exercising like playing tennis, bike riding, hiking, jump rope, family basketball, and foot races (like me or Hubby have to bunny hop and they can run, there are LOTS of variations) the kids love it when we do these things.
I am not coming down on you at all. Just wanted to say please consider his feelings. He made choices while he was away from you that HE has to live with. He will grow out of some of the chubbiness in the teen years I am betting. I really encourage you to find a sport he likes and let the coach push him and not you. You can guide but controlling will do more harm than good. I know its all in the name of love. I wanted to offer you a big (((hug)))) , Motherhood is hard sometimes.
I know how difficult it is Eliana, being the mother of an obese 11 year old DD. Over the last year we've been working to get her to maintain her weight and that's worked pretty well (she's put on a couple of pounds but also grown nearly 3") her BMI has fallen from over 30 to under 28 (still a fair ways to go but its in the right direction) I too suffer the guilt that "I made her this way". However I know that's not entirely true - she only really started putting on large amounts of weight from about 8 year old onwards an age at which she had more choices about what she ate herself and had greater access to food outside the home. I know if my DD had stayed at her grandparents for a week she too would come back considerably heavier because she would go hogwild and eat and eat (not junk food in my family's case but lots of 'traditional' home cooking and sweet treats).
Last year I was getting pretty fed up with being the food police and it was causing friction between us and she was getting increasingly upset at being teased by other kids. We enrolled in a programme that was available to us to encourage kids to make healthy lifestyle choices - I won't pretend she gets it right all the time but I do think its shifted the balance from it being me dictating what she eats to her making choices.
I think the best thing now to do with your son is to draw a line under what has happened, try not to show your disappointment or your anger with the GPs in front of him and move forward.
I can totally relate to the grandparent frustration. My mom is pretty bad with my son and I think it really is laziness. She KNOWS what is healthy and what isn't and she's a really good cook...I know this because I was raised as a vegetarian and she made some awesome vegetarian meals that I gobbled up as a picky child. But with my son, she's the drive-thru queen.
I'm definitely more aware of my son's dietary needs since I've started eating healthier myself. And while I don't want him to struggle with weight issues the way I did, I also don't want him to feel pressured or deprived or resentful of me. So I've found a nice middle ground, I think. I give him as many healthy options as possible and encourage him to make those good choices and explain to him why they are good. He does pretty well without me having to force or struggle with him. And when he really wants a treat or something less than ideal, I don't make a big deal out of it. He's six. And I do NOT want to raise a closet-eater. I coveted food when I was growing up because I felt like it was off limits. I was truly obsessed. I think if my mom had given me a liiiitttle more freedom and let me make my own choices, I might not have developed such a passion for junk food.
I want my son to be healthy and to be able to make his own good choices for himself in the world. I don't think that restriction is the best way to teach a child to make healthy choices. I will not be able to be with him every single time he eats to make sure he doesn't eat any no-no foods, so I have to arm him with the knowledge and the confidence to handle himself well.
I'm sure your son can get back on track soon and I really respect your convictions as a mom. Sounds like you only want the best for him and it's so frustrating with outside forces interfere with that! Good luck!
Well , I will tiptoe lightly on this one because I was once the kid who's Mom pushed diet and exercise down my throat all my life. My Mother started a Weight watcher type class/diet when I was around 8 so the whole family was forced to change because of it. Her tactics left me feeling like I wasn't good enough as I was in her eyes. I see now she tried to "help" by controlling what she could at home and I felt the need to show her I was happy just how I was by staying overweight my whole life till now. It was a standoff between us and it took me 31 years to come to terms with getting healthy.
I'm glad you brought that up, because I worry a lot with my own daughter, who is fifteen. She is built a lot like me-- she matured early and is booby-- suddenly put on about 20 lbs this year which makes her a little overweight. I think it was because she quit playing soccer after playing for ten years and kept eating like someone who was running 3-4 x a week even though she wasn't anymore.
I know she is very self-conscious about her weight, because she outgrew a lot of her clothes.... I have tried to be supportive and non-judgmental, but I do worry sometimes... with me on this big weight loss kick and her gaining weight I sense that it may make her feel inadequate sometimes. Especially now because pretty soon, she and I will be similar in size. I've tried REALLY HARD to communicate that this is MY issue not hers and I also try to remember that I suffered immensely at her age over fifteen or twenty pounds. I "know" intellectually that all she has to do is stay physically fit and maintain her weight as it is and she'll be fine-- if she wants to lose ten or fifteen eventually, that's up to her...
But I relate to that feeling of standoff-- it sounds A LOT like me. I wanted so badly to be accepted for who I was, fat and all, that I was willing to sabotage myself over and over just to prove that point. Course, by the time I was 48, that was certainly not the only reason I was morbidly obese, but it definitely helped plant the seeds.
It is such a tough business and I absolutely do not have all the answers.
It just is. And there's nothing I can do about it and never has been. .
No, I need a manual!!
Sorry this happened.
