I think it's very common for victims of sexual assault to gain weight for all the reasons people here have expressed. I didn't experience that myself, but I was overwhelmed with male attention at an early age. I developed early and looked very mature for my age and didn't know what to do at 13 or 14 with men in their 20s and 30s paying too much attention to me. It was easier to get fat than to deal with all of that.
I've been married for more than 20 years, but I have sort of a weird history with men-- I was a normal weight to slightly chubby teen but felt totally ignored by guys and never had a single date. I actually ended up marrying the first guy I ever dated, even though I spent almost 6 years making up my mind. I was convinced that it was because I was fat, but looking back, that makes no sense-- I wasn't fat, and I was kind of pretty.
Anyway, when I was in my mid-twenties, I was also the victim of a sexual assault/attempted rape. Coincidentally, I was then at my lowest ever weight. I do remember feeling very very anxious for a while afterward, but I did not think it had a long term impact on my well-being. I was in fact tall and strong, and by a combination of strength to fight back and keeping my wits about me, I was able to escape unharmed.... not saying that everyone would be able to or should do that in the same situation, but that's what happened to me. So, in a way, I've always thought that it was more empowering than anything else.
Although, occasionally I did mull over whether having that happen at my lowest ever weight was in anyway problematic.
In my opinion, I don't think so, but it's food for thought.
As far as using fat as a shield. I thought for a very long time that my "desire to stay fat" had psychological roots-- but in the end, I think it was the opposite-- I was shy and awkward and I developed a maladaptive coping strategy called over-eating and binge eating. For a while, I was also mildly bulimic. That eventually made me fat, which made being fat part of my personality, and eventually part of my arsenal of excuses.
For years, I told myself that I didn't really care how I looked or dressed. Well, guess what? The SECOND I started to lose weight, I realized that I had always cared.
For me, I think it's more like a drug addict who tells himself lies to fuel the habit-- I told myself that I had all kinds of deep-rooted psychological reasons, but in the end, I just didn't want to quit food.
This thread has really got me thinking. Back when I was at my highest weight, I would dream, worry, be anxious, about losing weight. It was something that was always there, something I always had to attend to. I really was living in a fat-shelter because my weight was what I blamed any unhappiness I had on. I'm single because I'm fat. I feel awkward in social situations because I'm fat. I hate shopping and finding clothes because I'm fat. It was reliable. I used my weight to explain all my problems.
While I was losing, I felt great. I think the happiest I've ever been was when I was focused on my goal and losing weight steadily. I felt proud of myself, I liked seeing the changes, getting compliments. Then, I started getting closer to my goal. I wasn't fat anymore, I was getting closer to "normal" and all of a sudden, I realized I lost my easy explanation for any unhappiness and anxiety I felt. Recently, I've never felt so...I guess...disjointed? Torn? I'm not sure what the right word is. But I've been feeling lost because I'm not sure what to do now. I've lost my fat-shelter. I'm not really sure who I am anymore because I've been heavy my whole life and I used that as my primary identifying feature. I used my weight to avoid any unwanted attention from myself. I reached my goal of 155 in August and promptly put 25lbs back on because....well...I don't know why. Because having the need to lose weight gives me something to do? Something to blame my unhappiness on? A reason for anxiety I feel?
I think these issues are something I clearly need to explore further, but I guess I just never realized that my fat was a shelter for me...and not just from unwanted attention from other people, but unwanted attention from myself as well.
As far as using fat as a shield. I thought for a very long time that my "desire to stay fat" had psychological roots-- but in the end, I think it was the opposite-- I was shy and awkward and I developed a maladaptive coping strategy called over-eating and binge eating. For a while, I was also mildly bulimic. That eventually made me fat, which made being fat part of my personality, and eventually part of my arsenal of excuses.
For years, I told myself that I didn't really care how I looked or dressed. Well, guess what? The SECOND I started to lose weight, I realized that I had always cared.
For me, I think it's more like a drug addict who tells himself lies to fuel the habit-- I told myself that I had all kinds of deep-rooted psychological reasons, but in the end, I just didn't want to quit food.
Yes, yes, YES. Too all of it especially the bold.
I frankly used fat as excuse for everything...EVERYTHING. I was fat because I was addicted to food...more addicted to food than even my alcohol or tobacco addictions. I was fat and lazy... Nothing made me fat but me. I had no deep dark secrets, I had no rape, incest, no emotional trauma, I was fat because I shoved food down my throat and I loved it ...more than men, more than anything.
Let me just say ditto to most of what was posted above.
When I was young, I ate because I was emotionally neglected - took a therapist to help me figure that out; before, I had only thought of neglect as a physical thing. i couldn't get anyone to spend time with me but I could get spare change to hit the corner store and buy chips and candy. As I grew older, I hid in the food; I ate (and sadly still do) when I was bored, scared, unhappy, happy (rare occurence), threatened, lonely, etc. Later, I started hiding in the fat too. If nobody likes me, hires me, wants to date me, it must be because I'm fat. Fat is my shelter because if I lose the weight, I'll have to face the real reasons for all the other crappy parts of my life. I'm sure fear is a big reason and so is ANGER, lots of anger, and God only knows what other reasons lay in wait for me.
Yeah fat is my shelter. One I still haven't worked up the nerve to leave yet but I've opened the door just a small crack.
Last edited by MoveMoveMove; 02-17-2010 at 03:42 PM.
I frankly used fat as excuse for everything...EVERYTHING. I was fat because I was addicted to food...more addicted to food than even my alcohol or tobacco addictions. I was fat and lazy... Nothing made me fat but me. I had no deep dark secrets, I had no rape, incest, no emotional trauma, I was fat because I shoved food down my throat and I loved it ...more than men, more than anything.
Yes. This.
I did use being fat as an excuse for everything wrong in my life. Sure I had trauma in my life, who didn't?, In the end I wasn't fat because of those issues. I was fat because I ate and ate and ate, never moved ever, then I ate some more. Period.
I don't think anyone here is blaming their weight on their trauma, just on the situation that sparked what became, obviously, a matter of too many calories.
Last edited by eratosthanes; 02-17-2010 at 07:57 PM.
oh i agree- i definitely don't blame getting fat on the incidents in my life. they were the trigger- i still shot the gun myself. i could have stopped when i was a teenager, i could have stopped when i stopped doing drugs, when i stopped being depressed, when i started being depressed again- so many opportunities to get it under control and i ignored them. i definitely take personal responsibility for my actions, but in doing so I can recognize where my actions came from and what caused them. In fact, I think without the acknowledgment of how you got to this point- you will have a very difficult time reversing any of it.
I don't know. I definitely had my own free will, but I think gaining weight after a history like mine is very common. It took time and therapy for me to get to a place where I felt emotionally safe enough to try to lose weight. I am still not 100% where I want to be mentally, but I am a heck of a lot further than I was and I am proud of that!!
This week we went to a Hooter's type place and I was horribly uncomfortable. I tried to prep myself, but all of those bad thoughts came rushing in. It's not the waitresses that bother me - not at all. Most of the patrons are fine, too. But there are always a couple that go there for the sole purpose of staring at women - and they never stop at thier waitress. I felt them looking at me. Even one I made eye contact with and shook my head. He didn't stop. I wished right then that I had been wearing a turtleneck and baggy sweater. (I had a normal t-shirt on with a scoop neck.) Most women would probably not have this bother them as much as it does me, but there are still mental health issues tied to this and it does really get to me. I told myself that men will treat me this way regardless of my weight (as I am obviously not at goal). This isn't a weight issue. It's just hard to completely accept it. I really wish I could just go up to the guy and tell him off, but I don't. I tell my husband and he just shrugs. I guess it's my battle.
I don't understand why some men seem to think that my body is within thier control. It belongs to me and undressing me with your eyes against my wishes is violating. I struggle as it is to trust myself to stand up for control over my own body but when someone flagrantly violates that, I have a hard time with it. Being overweight means that I can "pretend" this issue isn't still a big one for me because it doesn't happen as often. I am ignored most of the time by men. (I am not talking about flirting or being nice or smiling and catching a random glance at my body - I am referring to blatant disrespect verbally or nonverbally.) I have a "pretty face" and a large chest (ironically due to my weight), so it still happens occasionally, but not nearly as often as when I was thin. As I lose weight, I am constantly working on dealing with this so I don't sabotage my efforts.
So, yeah, I use my weight as a shelter from unwanted male attention. I will someday be able to think about this in a healthy way. It will happen.
