How did I get here? Completely honest ... I ate myself here. Whether it was from bad upbringing, depression, child birth ... I ATE MYSELF UP TO THIS WEIGHT. Why didn't I do anything about it? Because I DIDN'T WANT IT bad enough... not enough to stop eating the foods I was eating in the quantities I wanted to eat them in. I realized what was happening but the food was MORE important to me than taking control of my weight and my health.
I could kick myself for my stupidity... but I won't. I'll move on and KEEP moving on like I have been Because even though I did this to myself, and was selfish about my health, and wanted the food more... and almost destroyed my life... I am WORTH saving. And so I am. Every single day
I got here because of serious emotional/behavioral issues. I was very small in my junior year of HS, 135 @ 5'9", and thats when my behavioral problems started to ruin alot of aspects of my life. i would yo-yo diet to get back down once I hit 160, but every time I'd gain back all I lost plus 10. eventually I was sitting at 200, and I got preggers. I walked into the hospital at 265, went home at 235, and maintained that until my wedding day. Then i could eat again! and boy did I. Now i'm am finally seeking help with my emotional issues, and ready to be all around healthy again.
It took me a long time to realize that the emotional issues and triggers and family environment that taught me start to binging were not the same things that got me morbidly obese in my thirties and forties.
I grew up with a TERRIBLE self-image. I had awful body image issues, had all kind of awful pressure on me and learned to binge early.
I feel bad about that, and would not want my daughters to go through the same thing.
But the reason I stayed fat so long, and let myself get fatter and fatter was more like what cfmama said. I wasn't willing to give up food, or to admit that I would be better off doing the healthy thing. It was like I was still a little bit of a teenager, wanting to force people to accept me as I was, fat or not.
Depression. Grief. Loss. Laziness. Excuses and more excuses. Severe denial. Giving up on myself and life. Taking the easy way out instead of working on my problems.
It is interesting how most obese people have a built in defense mechanism that we don't really see how huge we actually are...unless you look in a different mirror away from your home or a video/ pic of yourself, shock you out of your denial.
Last edited by better health3; 12-09-2009 at 11:46 PM.
It is interesting how most obese people have a built in defense mechanism that we don't really see how huge we actually are...unless you look in a different mirror away from your home or a video/ pic of yourself, shock you out of your denial.
This is true. I'm thin until I look in a mirror, or worse, a picture.
How did I get at my heaviest? I just didn't want to stop, didn't want to learn a different way of eating....I was content to make excuses for the way I was because of things going on around me or what was happening in my life.
Not a particular thing I'm proud of *but* I am proud I turned myself around. Not only with the weight loss but my overall self is closer to the way I was before I gained the weight and that was the whole point I missed me!
I definitely connect with what ubergirl about wanting people to accept me whether I was fat or not, and feeling like a teenager still. I do feel like I've grown up a lot lately, and starting to recognize that what I was doing in spite of people, was really just hurting myself and sinking myself into a deeper hole... for what reason, really? What did I have to prove? Now I can prove that a person can change for the better. I spent the 12 years doing nothing but gaining weight mostly. Now I need to totally re-evaluate how I approach food and honestly look at my habits. I never really realized it until I totally spelled it out for everyone to see that I have never been normal about food, not since I was 11 years old. Wow.
Never underestimate the power of DENIAL! I had my head buried so far in the sand it didn't even register with me until I realized that "wow I'm pretty much at the biggest size at Cotton Ginny, if I gain an ounce more what will I wear???" and then the little aches and pains that were never there before set the alarm bells going off. I was about 180 when I was 21 and living on my own for the first time, flash forward 5 or 6 years and there's an extra 100 pounds piled on -- i was eating crap, when before at home my mom always made healthy food ( i ate too much of it) but very little crap. On my own I was like a kid in a candy store - LITERALLY! I spoiled and indulged my inner child to the tune of 100+ pounds geeeeeeeeeeesh!!! When I see young women about 30 lbs overweight I want to run up to them and hug them and say DO IT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW when it's only 30 pounds to deal with, do not go down my road!!! but then i'd get arrested,so i don't
I became overweight when I was in early elementary school, due to medical issues (and not being an active kid, also due to the medical issues). I gained and gained all through school. When I graduated, I went hard core with losing weight, and lost 80lbs over 5 years. Then 9/11 happened, I had relationship issues, etc, and depression/emotional eating set in. Looking back, I have no clue how I went from 134 to 200 so fast. It's almost like I woke up and the weight was back, although obviously it didn't happen that way. Two pregnancies added the other 20lbs.
Because even though I did this to myself, and was selfish about my health, and wanted the food more... and almost destroyed my life... I am WORTH saving. And so I am. Every single day 
I missed me!
