Something Beth Anne said about the reactions of her husband and sister and looking toward others for motivation just really moved me - to the point where I felt the need to start a new thread dealing with the overwhelming need for external validation

What I consider my first sanely successful weigh loss journey was spurred back in 1988, when I joined WW the day after hubby flew off the handle and basically called me a fat, disgusting, food-obsessed pig to my face. I lost almost 40 pounds, was down to 132 - my lowest adult weight - and looked FABULOUS! He must have paid more attention, 'cause three months later I was pregnant with my daughter!

You'd think that the reminder of that hurt would have kept me from ever getting fat again, but here I am, 101 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant with my daughter and about 60 pounds heavier than when hubby called me a fat pig. He's never said anything hateful like that again, but I just know he wishes he didn't have a fat wife. If we "do it" once a month (for more than three minutes!), I consider myself lucky. But then again, he doesn't seem to notice when I DO lose weight. He also doesn't seem to be very supportive...sometimes some of the stuff he brings home just SCREAMS "sabotage" to me.

When I think about it, most of my reasons for wanting to lose weight - ****, ALL of my reasons for wanting to lose weight - are purely for the reactions of other people. I WANT my husband to find me attractive enough to put away the magazines and quit turning to the Internet for visual stimulation. I WANT my sister to quit being able to find some way to slip into conversation the fact that I am constantly two sizes bigger than her (knowing that I don't think she does it to be hateful). I WANT people who haven't seen me for a while to say, "Wow, you look GREAT!" I WANT good looking men (a la Brett Favre and Derek Jeter..YUM! ) to stare and smile and ask me out before they realize I'm married. I WANT to be the "hot mom." All the "health reasons" take a backseat to this overwhelming need to have others approve of my looks. When I don't get that approval (i.e., when no one notices), it kills my motivation to continue.

I don't know exactly what I hoped to accomplish by starting this thread, other than to be truthful to myself. Maybe I just needed to get beyond the shame of feeling this way ('cause I know I'm not the only one who does!)

Jenelle -

Oh thank you thank you.. I need this thread too..

I believed for a while that I was doing this for myself. Now I'm really starting to wonder if I truly am, considering the crushing dissapointment that yesterday was. I'm sitting on the couch in a towel feeling like throwing the whole thing away, which I know is SO stupid.

If I'm honest with myself, my husband and my sister WERE and ARE supportive, just not 100% in the way that I want them to be. My husband used to be very complimentary and touchy-feely (if you know what I mean). Now I get compliments VERY rarely, and he is really only touchy feely on rare occasions. That was what started the whole fight that hurt me so deeply. He finally admitted that the reason the compliments and touchy-feely-ness had stopped was because of my weight gain. That effected me severely, because the truth be told, my sudden 50 lb upward swing was 99% because of him. I eat when I'm stressed. He did something pretty bad, that got him fired, and I ate like a cow because of it. So I had to deal with the conflicting emotions of being incredibly hurt by his comment, but also incredibly angry because I felt it was his fault that I looked the way I did. I know I have to take some responsibility for what happened, but I am having a hard time figuring out how much responsibility is really mine.

When I first started doing this, we had a "deal" of sorts, which was that I told him that in order to succeed I really needed his support in the form of compliments/nice words/whatever along those lines. He stuck to that deal REALLY well at the beginning, but then it completely dropped off to the point we are at now which is that occasionally I get compliments, usually 3 days from when he thought of giving me one (AKA on Tuesday he'll say "Oh yeah I forgot you looked really good on saturday") He is incredibly supportive on Tuesdays (weigh-in nights) and ALWAYS congratulates me on my success, BUT I was very discouraged last Tuesday (the 7 lb loss day) because he was incredibly enthusiastic on the phone, but when I got home, he didn't even get off the couch until I asked if I could have a hug, which made me pretty upset.

He never sabotages my efforts, mostly because he never has cash or goes to the grocery store! If he asks me to purchase a food I "shouldn't have" he always asks me to get a variety I don't like, so I won't be tempted. Right at the moment I can only think of one time in the last 3 months that he said something directly about my weight loss without prompting (Aka the phone call to report how much I'd lost).

So what do I do with myself? I really don't know. It's very hard, because of the way he "used" to be.. and to me, if I'm working on fixing the cause of his "change" I don't really understand why he isn't "changing back". It's not like my change is easy either! I also derived a pretty big dose of self esteem from the fact that he wanted to hang out with me, and loved me, and found me attractive at 220 lbs (Which is about what I weighed when I first met him). He still wanted to marry me at 250 (and never complained about my weight!) Although I realize now that as my weight slowly crept up over the almost 2 years between us meeting and getting married, the physical affection levels slowly dropped. But is it really fair for me to have to wait to get my lovey-dovey, touchy-feely, complimentary husband back until I get down to 220 lbs?? I don't think so.

I'm really completley at a loss, because no matter how many times I try to explain this to him, it doesn't really seem to change how he behaves much.

I guess I really need to find a reason that is huge enough and important enough to ME to be able to succeed at this. I hope I can before everything gets ruined.

Jannelle, WOW you could be me!! that is exactally why i started my weight loss journey. the magazines and web sites were getting much more attention in a day that i would get in a month or even 2. We could be sisters. My husband said i had a fat a$$, and said i waddled. (both at different times and he did not even realize he had said it, but how else could it have comeout of his mouth if he was not thinking of it. I had confronted him and told him that i would never look like those girls ever. he laughed and said is that what i was so upsed with?? he was and is cluless. I know he is still visiting those sites, and try with all my heart to ignor it. I do not get any validation for my weight loss not much encouragement well actually none from him for what i have lost. at my best 65 lbs I have been fluxuating for a while and feel that is part of the reason. he is not paying more attention to me that he did when i was at my heaviest.

When this all came to a head in my house i stopped eating for almost a month. i ate in a week less that a person would eat in a meal. I finally came to and decided that this was for me. I too crave to have those looks, to wear low slung pants and have a belly button ring with a jewel and have it flash as I sway down the street. I have started weight lifting and very few people know this but i would like to be in a contest for that. i still have lots of flabb to loose but i still want to do that. I have now developed my own personal goals. and know where i want to be. I try not to depend on his reaction but still (have to ask him for his thoughts) need his validation that i am looking good. I know that i am heatheir than i ever was but that also for me is not why i am continuing. I too want to be the HOT mom. the one the husbands look at me and wish. I know that many here do not want to go that far ... but I do. I feel the need to do that. it is some thing i have wanted to do since a kid. I have always been the fat one. my father always said i was fat and to him i also want to prove that even though i am fat now and as a kid, i WILL be the healthiest one of his kids. My sister has always been the skinny one. and secretly i cheerewhen i have heard that she has gained some weight, and that she has no muscle tone, and she looks older that she is. I have always been taken for her OLDER sister. but now I want to be taken for her much younger sister.

OH DEAR you have had me purge my deepest secrets here... I hope you all do not think of me as bad for having these thoughts Do not get me wrong health is wonder ful but I want to be SEXY!!! I want to have the men turn and look when i walk down the street. I want my hubby to be jelous of the men when i am with him and wearing those sexy outfits. I may be starting an argument but if he can spend his time looking at those nasty picts why can he not spend the time with live flesh and blood. one who would do ... well lets leave it at that. I just want the same looks as those picts get! I can really get started but i will not. Beth Anne feel free to censor any of this and delete any of this that you feel may be offensive.

Jennelle you are definatly not alone.

Precious Illusions

You'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
'Cause I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

But this won't work now the way it once did
'Cause I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

All I can say right now is Thank God for Alanis Morisette. Yes, I know that you all know that I'm a Christian, and it probably doesn't make a ton of sense that I listen to her, but she is my lifesaver. I can't think of one time in my life that I couldn't find an Alanis song to holler at the top of my lungs that expressed exactly what I felt. (Although I usually don't holler out the swear words unless i really feel that desperate need...)

I'm feeling like I just have all these illusions in my head, and that's where I'm falling apart.

Part of succeeding in weight loss is imagining "success" and how it will make you feel, and what other people are going to say or do.. and in the last 2 weeks, I've had 2 crushing dissapointments... and now that I've stopped to think about it, even more than that.

Fact #1: My husband told me that his physical attraction to me had decreased because of my weight, so that's why he stopped being as verbally and physically affectionate as he once was.

Illusion #1: As I "shrink" he will proportionately become more affectionate.

What Actually Happened#1: Although I've lost 37 lbs, and am as close to what I weighed the day we got married as we can ever know, his affection hasn't really changed that much.

Fact #2: My sister left for Italy for 5 months, shortly after I found out she'd been talking to my husband about how worried she was about my weight. So, I set one of my goals to lose weight and be skinner by the time she got home.

Illusion #2: My sister would see that I had lost weight and be all excited about it!

What Actually Happened #2: My sister hadn't seen me in 5 months, had been travelling and not sleeping for 56 hours, so I had to tell her what I'd done, and her reaction was very happy, but no where near what I had "imagined".

Fact #3: Last week I lost 7 lbs, and my husband was ecstatic on the phone.

Illusion #3: I would get home, he would jump up, give me a huge hug and a kiss.

What Actually Happened #3: He sat on the couch, and I actually had to ask him for a hug.



So Are these illusions/dreams/whatever you want to call them actually healthy? Or are they really doing harm? I really don't know where else to get my motivation from at this point, and if I just do this for myself and know that I look good, but my husband doesn't say anything about it, and those in my life who showed such extreme levels of concern, don't notice a difference, I'm going to be crushed.

Wow guys this thread is amazing, THIS is why I come here.

A couple of thoughts. Random at best.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that when I weighed 135 pounds I was a miserable promiscuous alcoholic.

At 195 pounds I'm usually pretty happy.

I just visited my family, most I hadn't seen since the birth of my son 2 years and 75 pounds ago. Noone said a word beyond, "I had forgotten how beautiful you are" (from a neighbor) So did my family not notice, or do they just not SEE me?
There ere a few looks of surprise maybe with a "you look great moments" but nobody said "have you lost weight?" Are they just quiet Vermonters who respect my privacy? I don't know, but I was sort of disappointed. And the weightloss didn't make my Grandmother's alzheimers any less terrible or make my Dad any nicer to me.

My DH said to me not long ago, any time you start to think I'm shallow just remember that i still loved and wanted you when you were huge." I was so mad i could have spit nails. It's one of the only times he's ever made mention of my weight. I'm pretty confident I'll lose it all now, and those years that I was fat will be like a dirty 5 year secret.

My DH has been very amorous lately, I mean we have always been close and affectionate, but lately, it's been like those first few months we were together. And i'm happy and i'm mad sad I don't know it's a hard emotion to describe, about these last few years, I didn't realize that our passion had diminished and that it was weight related. I feel like I let him down, that he married this beautiful skinny person and then I turned into someone else.

Sometimes, I look through the J.Jill catalog and I want to be one of those thin stylish women frolicking on an autumn beach so badly... I almost cry. I want it, that life, and being thin would that make it happen??

I've been living here for 8 months now and I have made NO friends, none. I have my longtime girlfriends by e-mail and phone, the single ones visit pretty often. But, it's like I don't feel worthy of adding myself to someone elses life. Oh but when i'm thin then I'll make friends.


A handsome guy in the airport talked to me and my son for about half hour during our lay over in Laguardia, I kept thinking is he going to try to sell me something, what does he want. I was on the plane before I realized he was flirting with me, I don't wear my wedding ring because it slips off and gets lost, he must have thought I was a single Mom. I felt so strange, embarassed even.
Yet, part of this desire to be smaller is tied to wanting men and women to look at me the way that they used to.

Anyway, this thread has made me so grateful to have a glimpse into your extraordinary lives. This place is such a blessing.

Wow. Jenniffer, I think you might have hit the nail on the head for me. "A bad marriage doesn't happen because one is overweight. Lose the weight, things will be the same." Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. Things are far from "bad" in this neck of the woods, but they ain't great, either. There is this huge gap between me and hubby that has opened in the past few years, and while it's not getting wider, it's really not getting smaller, either. It's like I can't imagine being old with him, but I can't imagine him not being around all the time, either.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm hanging on to the weight. If I am fat, I can't seriously confront him about our problems because I have no leverage. I could never say, "We need to fix this or I am leaving you" because - no matter how modern I am - I don't do well alone and ALONE is what I would be at this weight. It would be an empty threat.

And Beth Anne...God Bless Alanis! I love to sing "You Oughtta Know" when I need to release a lot of anger...the lyrics don't fit any of my situations, but it is such an angry song that it helps to get the venom out of my system.

I guess the moral of the story is I need to start working on my relationships WHILE I lose weight...there's no point in waiting.

Thank you, you guys, for everything! This has become such a safe place for me. I can't imagine doing this without you.

In love and friendship,

This is such an amazing post. Thank you, ladies, for posting your feelings. It helps to know one is not alone.

My need is to get external validation from friends. I am blessed to have a dh who is as supportive as John is. He is completely supporting my weight loss, & tells me frequently he loves me no matter what. I actually think he fears me being thin more as he is afraid other guys will start looking at me & I will look back. I reassure him that isn't possible, but I digress...

I seem to need to have validation from my friends, or I am horribly upset. I'm the fattest of all my friends. And I felt like I had to lose weight to "compete" with them (not really compete, but I can't think of a better word). Most of my friends are very thin & beautiful, & I hated the feeling of going out with them & feeling like everyone was staring at me thinking "what are those pretty girls doing with a slob like her?!?!" To be honest, this was the driving factor of me getting on a weight loss program. Not health. Not feeling better physically. It was so I would "fit in."

And, although I have no desire to be with any man but John, I do think it would be nice to get the attention of other men. I have NEVER been skinny, so I have no idea what that attention would feel like.

Also, I do have a friend, or more of an acquaintance that is the type of person that always has to "one up" you. She has to make more money, live in a better house, have better clothes, drive a better car, etc. Well, a few months ago, she started putting on weight (she wasn't rail thin before - probably a size 14 or so). I noticed and honestly thought to myself "if I were thinner, that would be ONE thing I would be better at than her."

How horrible of me. I feel like such a heel when I think about the reasons I want to lose weight. I'm trying as I go through this life changing experience to focus on the wonderful things it will bring to ME (better health, I'll feel better physically, etc.), but sometimes I slip back into thinking "if I'm thinner, I will be a better person. People will like me more. More guys will look at me. I will be a person that people want to be with."

I know those thoughts aren't true. Whether I weigh 160 or 700 pounds, I will still be Kayla. But those myths keep creeping into my mind, & sometimes I believe them to be true.

Anyway, I don't know if all this rambling makes any sense... I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening

I can really relate to all of you in one way or another:

#1-I am almost divorced, but had a not so great marriage in the last few years. He would not support me emotionally-- especially with weight loss. He had his Playboy and dirtier magazines. he looked at free porn on the internet. Losing weight didnt help my marriage either. I began to realize even if I was thin and we had sex all the time it wouldnt really help our terrible marriage.

#2-I want to be a hot mom too!
I am SO sick of going to play areas, school etc.. and seeing these size 2 moms in low cut jeans with belly rings and have newborns no less. Uggh! I am not the fattest mom at school or anything but I hate being so big. Even though I am 1/3 to my goal I still feel self concious. I would hate for my son to be joked because of me.
I think to myself that half of all Americans are overweight so I am not the only fat mom!!

#3-I have sister issues too. My sister is only one size smaller-a size 20 and I am a 22. But she will say I can have her jeans cause they were too big for her. She loves to say that all the time.

I could go on and on. I would like to have normal blood pressure, not high normal. I would like my weight to be anything but OBESE, but what I really want is to be able to go to normal stores and buy and wear cute clothes. And of course get some great male attention wouldnt be bad either!!


laura (aka lorelei)

Oh godh girls I have so many more emotions running through me with this post. This is issues i have been dealing with for years but thought that I was the only one with them.

BethAnne one thing I have come to realize is that DH will never "get it" I think this is a man thing. I am sure that much of our lack of sexual activity had some thing to do with my weight gain, but I also firmly believe that he has some kind of dysfunction. you would not believe what I have done that does not even get a rise out of him. (I did not mean that litteraly) but I am not sure that much would do anything for that. I am trying really hard to aqccept that and know that as an italian i thrive on passion but it is not there. and i do not think it will ever be there. yes things do happen but it is not any more often than when i was at my heaviest. will it change when i am thin?? I do not think so. I have to realize that he will not change. Just today I showed him a pict of me from my DL, he joked and said I like that person better. i told him then he needs to find a different person! (joking back) I would like to think that even though our relationship has changed that we are still compatable. I understand his lack of need, and know that i have to prompt for any affection from him. (sad I know) As long as I can live with this, I feel that we can stay together for the rest of our lives as our relationship is that strong.

I am not going to get that heavy again. I am going to continue to lose weight. I have much to think about with this thread and well one of the things was why am I stalled why am i not pushing to finish the weight loss??? If i tried hard i could lose it in 6 months. I am afraid to lose the weight, afraid to drop out of the comfort zone. there is safty in this weight and one of those things for safty is my relationship with dh. to know that he will not change can i deal with that??? I think I can.

I am rambling again!

In november I saw my sister for the first time in over a year. I had lost about 60 lbs and shaped up a lot. 24 to a 16 my sister said nothing. I am still much bigger than she is. My mom made a big production of hiding me so she could sneak out to see her face when she saw me with my weight loss. she did not notice anything. we had to point it out to her. now that is bad!!

Kayla people do think of you differently when you are heavier than when you are thin. I do not understand it but there is an attitude. and do not think you are bad for thinking that atleast she is getting heavier it is only human especially if she has been one up on you all your life.!!

I will say that I am definatly more confident and more outgoing with strangers with my lower weight. I can do more physically as well. I do not ttire as easy. I can keep up with my kids, and even out do them. and that is what i need to focus on. my new me. the me I have always wanted to be. that is what my reward is. the great health is just part of it, but for me it is the confidence and feeling of success, and confidence that I have. and the hope that i will help others do the same.

thanks

I'll admit that my prime reason for wanting to lose weight is to look better. I want to look at a picture of myself and not feel like crying. I don't think I want validation from anyone else. I know my mom will be estatic when I lose weight, she has given me a lot of praise when I tell her I have lost weight but at the same time she constantly goes on and on about friends at work who have lost tons of weight but just not eating bread. So on one hand she is supportive, on the other hand she drives me nuts and sabotages me (even if she doesn't realize it). My dh? Well he's another that gets his jollies over looking at magazines and filth on the internet though not nearly as often lately. Still he did this when I weighed a lot less but still overweight so I chalk it up to being his problem and not something that is relative to our relationship. He knows I'm not thrilled about it and at least has the decency to delete the history when he's been surfing porn sites so that when I go on the computer it doesn't pop at me when I go to type in a www address. I don't think our relationship will change when I lose weight and I don't think I am hiding some deep down belief that it will. I think I"m being pretty realistic. It would be a pleasant surprise if my dh suddenly changed his tune about some things but what does that say about him? Do I really want to be with a person that thinks I am worth giving hugs and kisses to if I am thin?

Well put Jen! I agree I am sure that if we had the net when i was thinner he would have done the same. (I did find magazines) So I know he would not change when i am thinner. It is my self pride that I am looking for. that is why i need the "looks" I have always been the one passed by others to my thinner prettier sister, or friends. I even went out with a guy that when he met my sister asked me if the three of us could go out some time! (If you know what I mean) So the fat thing has been thrwon in my face from all angles. If DH did not change his attitude but acknowedged my effort, I would feel satisfied. I am trying to get off a slump. and i feel that the slump is being caused from my need to be validated from others and not recieving it. not having the illusings come true.

the thing I am trying to do is get off the need to be validated by my lovedones. the illusions (still want the looks from others) and try to concentrate on the feeling of success and pride from doing the hardest thing in my life. te struggle for me. the struggle to bring out the me I am becomming. the prouder, more outgoing, stronger, confident person.

that is the deepest reason that i want to do this. I am trying to get past the superficail reasons and get to the meat of the reasons to I can get past this slump.

Thanks for this wonderful thread. It has helped me get past my unrealistic reasons and get to my selfpreservation reasons. the real reasons.

When I started my weight loss support group I decided to call it Balqis. The reason is that is the name of the queen of Sheba. she was a woman who knew what she wanted and went after it. And that is how you need to approach the weight loss selfimprovement mode. just to go after it for your own reasons. not to reach for others approval. but to be self satisfied.

(climbing down) PHEW!

WOW!!! What an amazing thread!! We've talked about so many things, but I don't think we've ever gone here.

I know that I need to do this for me and for my health. But, truth be told, I also VERY much want to hear praise from others. My husband is very affectionate and our life is very "active" if you know what I mean. Sometimes I don't know how he can be attracted to someone so heavy. I can hardly imagine what things would be like if I got skinny again. I weighed 175 when we met, 215 when we married and 311 at my highest. I know he would like me thinner. He is extremely supportive. He always knows where I am weight wise and is as complimentary now and then.

But I too want to be "WOW!" I want everyone to talk about me and how much weight I've lost. Tell me how awesome I look. I want to be the HOT Mommy. I want my husband friend to drool all over themselves.

I too look at the J.Jill magazines and dream. I want to be thin, have great clothes, great hair, makeup and jewelry. I want to pass people and have them want to look like me.

I teach computer software. I am in front of men all the time. It's rare that I am mistreated because of my weight. But I am not flirted with, and I occasionally can detect a lack of respect due to my weight. I want to be the thin teacher that evertone drools over!!

I think it's OK to find motivation from others as long as you realize that you can't control what other people think, feel, say or do. One time I was disappointed with hubby's reaction to something. His response was "Just tell me what you want me to say, and I'll say it". It doesn't work that way, it has to come from the heart!!!

Wow, what a thread... I can't say I understand what a lot of you are goloing through, but I am sorry that you have to go through it. I DO have to agree with Jenniffer and say that it's not a problem with your weight, it's the marriage, but that's just my own opinion...

I do look for the external validation, but I really don't have to look far... I guess maybe that's why I have a hard time sticking with it sometimes, I don't have any pressing NEED, other than for my own health, and ****, I've been ignoring that forever... but everyone I see on a regular basis is very supportive, well, with the exception of my dad in law, who isn't a big one on compliments anyway, unless it's for the kids... but Johnny notices everything, and my mil takes stock of everything from my hair to my nails (she's a nail tech, so of course she notices that...lol) to if I wear a different shade of lipstick, and she'll tell me it looks good... or every once in a while, not so good...lol

I think it's in all of us, even if we deny it left an right, to want other people to notice us, notice that we look good... it's not vanity, it's just in our nature, it's in most animals nature, they clean and groom, and in most species, it's actually the males that do all the preening to be attractive...lol, why did us ladies get that curse as humans, instead of the guys? (Although some guys try harder than others...lol) BUT, I also think that we all rely on other opinions of us too much, and end up hurting ourselves because of it... because just as we've all said, in the end, it's US that we have to please...