I am sorry to say but I don't think your friend is really a friend more of an acquaintance that takes and takes and takes. Imagine a black hole, sucking in all your energy and help as well as from all the people around her. You can screen her calls and eventually she'll give up but honestly I would just open up to her and tell her EXACTLY how you feel, no frills, no sugar coating it, nothing. If she reacts well to it THEN you can build an honest, good friendship from then on and if she doesn't then it'll be over at that point and she'll stop using you.
I know doing something like that can be tough on some people, me for one but it'll be much healthier for you in the long run. If it's difficult for you and you want to do that I would suggest enlisting someone as a "cheerleader" to make sure you open up and cut out all the crap. You're working on rebuilding yourself, that includes cutting off toxic people and from an outside view she is quite a toxic person.
Honey, she is not a friend, she is a frienemy. She is obviously just finding out what is important to you and then trying to one up you. She probably is really deeply deeply in debt with her fabulous house and cars. I'm sure she's lied about how much her husband makes, because that's what people like her do... they lie. She'll lie to get assistance and she'll lie to feel better than others. I think you should end the friendship and I also think you should call the welfare department and report that you think she's cheating the system. Even if right now she does deserve to get assistance with her hubby out of work, an investigation may keep her from cheating the system in the future.
I had a co-worker like this one time and I did like to hang out with him, but it gets really old when him and his wife were always trying to one up us. When we bought our first house, they bought a house in the same city that was new, when I bought a new (to me) car they bought a brand new car. I finally realized that they aren't people I want to hang out with because I never feel good after I see them. My TRUE FRIENDS have fun with me, laugh with me, and never compare themselves to me because honestly, we just like each other and nothing material matters.
Great advice here. You really don't need her as a "friend." It is kind and generous of you to think she needs unconditional friendship--and maybe she does--but life isn't always "fair" --and you are NOT obligated to make up for it. Ever.
You need to report her to the proper authorities, don't you? Aren't you required to do so by law, or something? I remember this coming up on another board, once, and I think that was the case. If you know of someone defrauding the system and don't report it, you could get into trouble.
And I don't doubt it for a second that if this woman IS ever caught she'll name you as someone who "knew" and did nothing.
Last edited by Alana in Canada; 09-26-2009 at 02:21 PM.
I've been on both sides of "the system." My husband and I are both on disability. My husband's health issues are genetic and degenerative, so he will never be able to return to work, unless bionic replacement parts become available and Medicare pays for them. For me, there's at least hope because there's at least the theoretical possibility of remission or improvement (although I still often feel guilty about being unable to work, because my lifestyle probably did contribute to the disability).
And on the other side, most of my career life, I worked in social services and law enforcement (as a juvenile detention center worker - juvy jailer as the kids sometimes called us and as a probation officer) and it was my job to report welfare recipients "working" the system. The most common type of welfare fraud was denying that an adult male lived in the household.
On one hand, I was sympathetic to the women who had completely useless husbands and or boyfriends who were not contributing to the household in any way. In Illinois, at least when I was a probation officer, if a man was in the household (even if he wasn't working, whether by choice or not) the family would have a hard time getting any assistance (the theory being the man "could" work to support the family).
I dealt with many men who left their family so that their wife could get financial assitance and medical care for the kids. Some of these guys really had been trying to support their families, so it was often really sad.
A lot of people know people or know of people who abuse the system. So much so, that anyone having to be on any type of assistance is stigmatized. I've seen that look in people's eyes when they learn my husband and I are both on disability - it raises the "red flag" of welfare abuse. Especially since we're both overweight, I can almost hear people thinking that we're both just fat and lazy. They don't know that I worked 60 to 80 hours a week most of my career, often working two jobs. They don't know that my husband worked incredibly strenuous, back-breaking work most of his working life or that at age 17 after his first knee surgery (and before he became obese) doctors had predicted he would be completely disabled by age 30, because of his degenerative joint disease he inherited from his mother. Or that he managed to make it to age 35, possibly because of his weight - one of his bone specialists theorized that the combination of the excess body weight, huge calcium intake (from a diet high in milk and cheese) and amount of strenuous weight-lifting and weight-bearing work he did, that his bones were made so much more dense, that the strength of his bones may have compensated for the weakness in his joints. Of course now that the joints are failing AND hubby is unable to be as active - he needs to get the weight OFF (but it's hard, as we all know).
I'm getting off track, but what I want to say is that one of the reasons that welfare recipients get such a horrible stigma, is the high number of abusers - and the fact that it is so rarely reported.
There's a famous quote of Edmund Burke that I'm probably going to butcher, but it's something to the effect that "the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
Whether you're legally obligated to report her or not, I don't know - but (personally, I'm only speaking my mind here) I think you're morally obligated to. Welfare abuse can only happen when people witnessing the abuse say nothing.
I know it's not easy to report someone who is or was a friend, or someone who is likely to continue to be in your life (if only as a neighbor). It's even harder to do, when you know it's going to impact on your life. You may have to testify or make a written statement - the person reported may learn or suspect you turned them in and may retaliate in some way. It's not easy, but it is the right thing to do, and if you do nothing you ARE contributing, even if only in a small way, to the welfare abuses.
I know that sounds harsh. I don't mean it to be. I know how hard it is to get involved. My husband and I had to call the police on a man abusing his girfriend in the apartment above us, and it was very scary. We were subpoena'ed to testify and both the boyfriend and the girlfriend were extremely angry that we had gotten involved. I didn't think it would be any more difficult than when I was a probation officer and had to do so, but it was a lot harder, because it was so much more personal (in that these people know where I live).
I wish you the best, because I know this is going to be tough.
When I come across people like your "friend" I ask myself, would I rather have my life or theirs? It usually turns out that although I might think I would like to have certain aspects of it, the cost is all the other crap that I just couldn't live with and be happy. So, I'll take my life. I mean, can you imagine how stressful it must be to maintain all those lies?
As far as the gastric bypass, insurance will cover you if you have a qualifying medical condition; so, she must have diabetes, or high BP, etc. from the obesity, and that qualified her.
Medically necisarry is the term she used. She has "back pain." She sees her dr about once a week, he prescribes narcotics (she's a Rx addict, ambien primarily)...she's in there all the time.
30 years ago when my mom tried to use the money she'd saved up after 6 years on Welfare with me to go back to school at the same time I entered the first grade, Welfare cut her benefits & her case worker told her to meet a nice man & get married.
I'm glad the system works a little differently now (for the sbused mother with baby) but the niece & the friend of the OP need to sit in jail for Welfare & Insurance fraud.
You can report her, Tara, but because her husband is working sporadically nothing will come of it.
ANYONE who asks how much money you make is not your friend.
I would suggest as LoriBell did. Just stop answering her calls. She will get the hint eventually & put it in her arsenal she brings out to cry to the caseworkers, "I don't even have any friends anymore". You've been a good friend, it is time to put YOU first & just let her go.
I'm curious. What is your definition of a friend? This seem like a one-way relationship with you doing all of the friendship parts and her just receiving what you're willing to give. I think you should drop her.
I'm a very firm believer that people get what they deserve eventually. She is a liar and a cheat. This will catch up with her. I pity her children who are learning to live their lives in the same fashion.
