Windchime - omg, you're me! I'm so sorry. :wink: I really, genuinely think I'm a bother to people, when (the occasional) invitations suggest that might not be the case. I'll work on that, and I'll work on doing some research into places/opportunities to make friends. Hll, if I can lose weight, I can do this.
Chalk up one more for the "I think I'm a bother" club. Clearly a manifestation of my imagination and my basement level self-esteem. And yet, I can't seem shake it, especially as my friends have married and had kids. I even worry that I am bothering my therapist with my worries about bothering other people!
Good girl! Try to just tell yourself that you will accept the next invitation that comes your way, if it's at all reasonable. Maybe you'll skip the invitation to participate in the pie-eating contest, but if it's reasonable please consider accepting. I think a lot of the time, us shy types tend to not even realize that we are passing up activities that could turn out to be a lot of fun.
And maybe it's time for you and DF to take a break. You did just spent a lot of time together and maybe you need a bit of a break from him. And since you'll be busy accepting other invitations as they come along (or perhaps issuing invitations of your own!), you may find that you're less willing to fully accept a friendship where the apologies seem to be one-sided. Not saying that you should cut him off, but often we find that as we widen our social circle, we can change the status quo of our current friendships.
Good luck!
Thankyou, that's really helpful. I was panicking as how to possibly start at my age, making friends, not dissimilar to the panic at the start of a loooong weightloss journey. Your suggestions make sense! Babysteps. Process. Thankyou!
Chalk up one more for the "I think I'm a bother" club. Clearly a manifestation of my imagination and my basement level self-esteem. And yet, I can't seem shake it, especially as my friends have married and had kids. I even worry that I am bothering my therapist with my worries about bothering other people!
Clearly we need our own subgroup. If nobody minds......
Actually, many years ago I did have a lightbulb moment, and realized/came to believe that it's because I was a supplanted first child: at 18 months my brother came along (very fond of my brothers, thankyou); I remember nothing of it (although my mother tells the tale of how 'good' I was about the new baby until I saw her feed him with 'my' bottle, then I howled) but it makes total sense to me that I will always be found wanting and replaced with a new model.
Hey, I KNOW that's not what happened but it's so ingrained it feels like the natural order of things. Can't seem to work out any strategies to shift it.
So just being a bit sad tonight.
A few days after the phone thing, I rang and explained how his behaviour had made me feel; that I understood his current stressful situation and if I could take some of his workload temporarily to let me know. He said he'd ring back. He didn't.
Last week I knew he had an important work interview. I rang to see how it had gone. He answered civilly. I've heard no more.
Today I emailed, cos we've got flights booked for September, saying hi, do you want to do a lunch to sort out our trip. No answer.
Mature reflection has convinced me I was right to hang up - he was beating me up verbally, who has to stay and be bullied?
He's clearly going to hold this grudge for ever, and is making determined efforts to punish me.
I refuse to be punished for having human rights; but I am very sad that apparently 12 years has come to an end. Not guilty, just sad; like a little death.
I still won't medicate with food though.
:sad:
geez louise, my bf's family hold grudges against each other for YEARS, literally! so friggin' immature. drives me nuts
the more you call and email him probably makes him (quite immaturely) gleefully self righteous, unfortunately.
try to keep in mind that this is something goofy about HIM, he could have something in his past that has made him freak out in this particular situation (I'm probably being overly nice here, heh heh), ie, his mother used to hang up on him and it has given him a complex (doh!).
don't worry so much about the friendship ending or continuing (you certainly don't have to make a decision one way or the other if you don't want to). but keep in mind for future reference how much you want to invest in someone who handles his relationships this way.
think of it this way: he's the one who should be sad, he has the problem and he's been nasty to a good friend of his.
I'm sorry, Ailidh. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who was lamenting that a friendship he's had for 15 years might have run its course. I'll tell you what I told him. Don't be the one to break it off and don't say anything you'll regret. The best thing you can do is let her know that you still want to continue the friendship and then let her make the next overture. No sense beating your head against the wall or begging when you've done nothing wrong. If you make it known you are still there if they want to be friends and they don't, then it's their loss. If they do still want to be friends, it's clear the ball is in their court to make the next move.
Regardless, it's painful to see someone go who has been a friend. Especially when you don't have a long list of friends in the first place (speaking purely for myself!). But it's also important to be true to yourself too and not take on responsibility for someone else's poor behavior. As someone who has apologized one too many times for something that was not my fault to simply keep the peace, I can say that does very little for your self-esteem.
Seems to me the ball is in his court now. So, go on with your life. If he doesn't have the wherewithal to contact you about the September trip, then chances are he's not going. Once it gets to the point where you have to make a decision about the trip--do that. You can either cancel the trip or find someone else to go with you. And at that point you can leave him another message telling him what you've decided to do, having not heard.
Try not to see this as a loss. If he cared about you as a friend, he wouldn't still be acting this way. You've been civil and you've explained. It may be he is just tired of the relationship--if so, it's his loss, perhaps--nothing you can do about it.
Seriously.I hang up on people all of the time.My friends and family will agree!!!When I am disrespected, I hang up.When I am trying to prevent an argument , I hang up.When I am annoyed, I hang up.Its just how I am.And another thing, I dont appologize for it!!
It can be very sad when a friendship ends, if that is indeed what's happening. Sometimes, though, things end because there needs to be room made for the next thing that's coming. I still am getting the feeling that you have experienced a lot of personal growth over the past few months; your posts lately seem to be very reflective of that. It really makes me wonder if you've outgrown him.
I had a friend years ago, when I was getting a divorce. He came to work at my office, and he was new to town and also getting a divorce. We became friends and helped each other deal with that for over a year, then it started getting toxic. We were drinking too much together, and we crossed that line that sometimes friends of the opposite sex cross and that was nothing but trouble! Anyway....he moved and the friendship continued over the phone and distance for awhile, but eventually fizzled and died. I was really sad for awhile, but then I came to learn that the season of this friendship was over. I was healing, moving on, and so was he. So we were really good friends--best friends, in fact--for quite awhile, but that time eventually ended.
So maybe try to think of it that way, if that's not too difficult. You are maturing, growing, learning and maybe the season of this friendship is ending. Maybe not, but maybe so. I know it hurts, though, even knowing that sometimes this is just how things go.
I won't make any more overtures, the ones I have made seemed responsible, any more would be begging.
I do take the point of not being the one to say something regrettable. Indeed, that's why I hung up in the first place.
It may well be that this has run its course - I'm still just a bit knocked that, apparently out of the blue, it has imploded. So yes, I'm sad if is is The End, endings are nearly always sad. I'm also very sad to be on the receiving end of what feels like such concentrated spite.
Sometimes people act like boneheads. Myself included. I can t imagine having a tiff with a valued friend and not being able to mak up. I'[d have no friends left lol.
yes, that's what's making me really sad today. I've tried everything (and I don't mean that in a mean spirit, if I could think of anything else to do I'd do it) seems I just can't fix this.
It feels like being in the middle of a snow globe at the minute, sad that 12 years is apparently over, sad that he evidently thinks so little of me that he'd rather cling onto spite than accept my overtures, empty because he's been someone that's always been there for in the background of my daily consciousness for me a rock I was assured of and I assumed we'd grow old in our separate togetherness, scared (and I guess this sounds bad) because now I'm down to one friend, upset because my vacation companion has vanished; and the rest.
It does sound like you had a lot more invested in this relationship than he did. Basically, and with or without "benefits," it sounds like you loved him a lot. And it's kind of clear that he doesn't share the feelings.
It was probably nice and comfy, though, from what you're saying. You didn't have to make new friends.
I have a friend who has a similar story--there was a man in her life for 9 years. He even had a room in her house. They were not sexual--he told her he was celibate. But she felt he was her soul mate and that they were always in a sort of psychic contact... Well, one day he asked my friend how he should approach this woman he worked with to ask for a date. My friend was kind of taken aback. Anyway, he did ask this other woman out, and before you could even say "not celibate?" they were an ITEM and he was gone. My friend was really blown away by it.
I say, this is a wonderful opportunity for you, Alidh. You deserve a better friend than this man.
Yep, I guess I should consider myself dumped.
Still don't quite get it. If someone dumps me because once in 12 years I tell them that how they're treating me at that moment is making me feel bad, I assume he was looking for a reason to let the friendship go; but in any given week we were likely to talk on the phone 3-5 times, and it was just as likely to be him seeking me out, so I don't understand.
Bit of a dark hole, and I'd be glad to stop crying any time soon.
