Is it possible that the bp meds are indeed making him impotent or disinterested in sex. Is he perhaps looking at porn to try to "treat" the problem (and is it "working" or just making him feel even more discouraged because it isn't helping).
Not all bp meds cause reduced sex drive or impotence, and if it is the meds he needs to talk to the doctor and try a different med.
My husband went from interested to not, almost overnight and we both weight 50 to 60 lbs LESS than we did when we married. It happened to me too, because of my meds, and it took both of us a long time to realize it was more the meds than our health problems making our sex drives plummet (not that the health problems weren't contributing, it's hard to get hot and bothered when every bone in your body hurts), but oddly it was the meds not the pain that, for a while, killed our sex life (it's better, but still severely wounded).
It sounds like both of you may be suffering in silence, instead of working things out, together. I think for things to change, you've both got to start talking to each other, about this, even if you need a counselor to help that happen.
Ok, so I have to pipe in and repeat somethings that were already said.
This has to be talked about, you cannot ignore it, it will not go away! The weight will, the issues will still be there. You have marriage vows, and I would hope to think that you would not be ok with him going out twice a week and screwing around with some chick.........right? Then you cnnot allow him to be online doing the same thing mentally! Sex is not all physical, it is more physical for males than females, but still there is a huge mental componant........and in that matter he is cheating on you. And I am sure he is not thinking that he is. Thats why you have to have that talk.
Ever tease him verbally all day long? Little whisper in the ear in the morning about what you would like to do to him? If you have you KNOW that he thinks about that all day long? Right? His mind is occupied. Pornography is that whisper, sometime a yell!
You deserve more, he deserves more, your marriage certainly derserves more.
I agree with the other posters on so much. The confidence thing? I've had friends come to me confused about how I can get dates and guys interested in me and they can't even though we're both fat, or, god forbid, I'm fatter than them. (Okay, it stings a little when someone says that to me.. "But you're fat too, how do you get guys?") But the thing is - I'm confident in myself that I am a funny, smart, interesting, and (yes, really) attractive person. I don't shut down and get shy around guys, and when it comes to intimate moments - I am comfortable being naked around my man. I do not get shy and insist the lights be off and that he don't touch me here or there because I'm insecure about that body part - I trust that if he's looking at me, if he's touching my big fat stomach, thighs, whatever, it's because he wants to. When you project to others that you think you're fat, ugly, not worth loving they will subconsciously (or maybe even consciously) think that themselves.
Learn to love yourself first. It may be a good idea to get in the habit of naming off something you love about yourself every day (I have beautiful eyes, I can always come up with a funny story to make people laugh, I'm a very patient person, etc.) so that you realize that you are worth loving - at your goal weight or not.
Last edited by Gretchy; 02-12-2009 at 11:55 AM.
Reason: Left out a word - oops!
Ok, so I have to pipe in and repeat somethings that were already said.
This has to be talked about, you cannot ignore it, it will not go away! The weight will, the issues will still be there. You have marriage vows, and I would hope to think that you would not be ok with him going out twice a week and screwing around with some chick.........right? You deserve more, he deserves more, your marriage certainly derserves more.
Redflame is so right.. This can not be ignored..It will not go away.
Thank you so much for all of the wonderful advice and sharing your feelings. It is good to know others know the feeling and we can share.
I did talk to my husband today. I just sat with him on the couch and just talked quietly about my feelings. It was a good conversation and he let me know his feelings too. He was actually surprised that I feel so bad about myself at times. He said he wants me healthy, loves me, and truly is having trouble (you know where). It is hard for him to talk about it and he felt better getting it out. He said he will go to a doctor to discuss it. As far as the internet he said those things often pop up and this time he looked out of curiosity but would not do it again.
All I can do is take one day at a time. I will try harder to keep an open dialouge with him and work on my self confidence. I have to tell you though if there were pictures of Vin Diesel in a thong I would look!
As far as the internet he said those things often pop up
They don't on my machine. Someone has to have been visiting porn sites for porn to start popping up on the computer.
I don't know how I'd feel about my SO looking at porn. I know a lot of guys who enjoy looking at the bodies of beautiful women, and who are perfectly happy with their wives. I think it might depend on how often they do it. If it becomes an obsession I'd be worried. If it's just an occassional peek (or sharing with coworkers or something), I wouldn't worry too much.
way to go, Redflame! i agree - underlying issues don't go away. Personally, I would be PI$$ED off beyond belief my hubby only wanted to do it when I was THIN -- there's a lot of mental that goes along with it, and i agree about the 'whisper in his ear' all day long hehehehe naughty emails/texts work wonders old married couples sometimes can't make it out of the garage to come inside the house hehehehe
ok too much info, but you get my point! there are creative ways to lure him back hehehehe
Until I had a good filter, porn popped up on my computer all the time (and at the time, I was still single, and living alone, and the only one who had access to the computer from the day I purchased it new - and I wasn't visiting porn sites, at least not voluntarily).
One that really riled me was I got an email that read "get rid of porn pop ups forever," and being a bit naive (and desperate to get the porn pop ups to stop) I clicked on it without thinking. It was a PORN SITE - I still don't get that one. Did they mean it as a cruel practical joke, or did they think someone was going to click on it and see their porn and get hooked, what thinking "oh, this is porn, I had no idea what I was missing!
The one that made me MAD, was a pop up that showed a very graphic shot of a woman doing obscene things to a horse. It actually made me rather ill, it was so graphic and disturbing - what would make anyone think that someone would want to see that involuntarily (especially being it's illegal in most if not all states)? Yeah, I wish it only happened to folks who "went looking" for it.
By the way, when I first found 3fatchicks.com, I would sometimes forget the web address, and if I googled it, a lot of porn sites came up. I believe that (at least at one time) if you spelled out 3 in the web address it took you to a porn site. And if you leave off the 3, fatchicks is still an erotic or dating site (I didn't stick around long enough to find out). I haven't had to worry about that in a while though with the filter and the fact that this site has been my homepage for some time now).
One that really riled me was I got an email that read "get rid of porn pop ups forever," and being a bit naive (and desperate to get the porn pop ups to stop) I clicked on it without thinking. It was a PORN SITE - I still don't get that one. Did they mean it as a cruel practical joke, or did they think someone was going to click on it and see their porn and get hooked, what thinking "oh, this is porn, I had no idea what I was missing!
I think it's like replying to an e-mail that says click here to stop getting this spam...and all it does is legitimize you have a valid e-mail address so they send you more. I suspect that can happen with sites like that...if you clicked it, it probably put more malware on your computer.
I had a pretty painful conversation with my boyfriend recently about exactly this issue. Even though it's hard to hear, it was important that I heard his feelings on my weight. He knows better than anyone how much my weight bothers me and affects my self confidence and attitude. He wants me to be healthy and happy and the truth is we'll both enjoy our lives (and our sex lives!) more if I can get to a healthy weight.
At first I was afraid that since he admitted my weight affects his sex drive that it was this awful thing, he was shallow or didn't really care about me enough to love me as I am. But I realized after the sting went away that he does love me, he says it and shows it, and he will be here by my side whether I lose the weight this time or not. But we both deserve to live the best lives we can make for our selves.
Every relationship is different, but I believe in talking it out so much, I'm glad you were able to open the dialogue on your feelings.
Now for the dirty part of my two cents ... I am pro self pleasure, and whatever helps you get there so I'm pro porn! I take time out to enjoy myself and I support my boyfriend doing the same. For me a healthy sex life with my partner goes hand in hand with a healthy self sex life. To me it's not an escape or an avoidance, its no pressure, just release. My boyfriend and I have had dry spells but I definitely don't take offense to his other activities.
PFERDEO1~ I couldn't agree with you more. It's natural to have "those" feelings subside a bit when your mate is not looking or feeling their best. Doesn't mean that they love you any less or are going to cheat on you...Its just nature. Its also natural to look at beautiful things with appreciation IMO looking at porn is harmless, although if it hurts or upsets your significant other, than you should have enouph respect for them to obstain. the key here is COMMUNICATION.
