I've posted about this before... about how my husband brings stuff in the house that derails me. But then he left for a couple of months, I had a "clean pantry" and when he came back a couple weeks ago I was clear about what I am trying to do, and why.
I just don't understand why *anyone* who cares about us would keep bringing junk in the house. It's not worth fighting about anymore for me, because our marriage is shot and if I say anything he gets angry. Not worth it, especially with kids around. He'll be gone again after Christmas and I'll have the clean pantry again.
But why... WHY, especially now that HIS doctor told HIM he has to lose weight (major health issues cropping up)... now that we could be a team at least for better health, he still brings in the junk.
I know, I am in control of what I put in my mouth. I can't blame anyone else for what I eat. But I have a *problem* with food. When he brings a tub of gourmet white chocolate macadmia nut cookie dough into the house, and my son bakes it, and the smell is wafting thorugh the house... it's like drinking in front of an alcoholic. It's hard for me.
I already had many heart-to-hearts with him. This is just how it is while he is here. I guess I should just buck up and quit whining and be glad I can get a shower alone while he watches our daughter, because once he is gone again, things will be hard in a different way.
Does he want you to stay heavy for some reason? What is his explanation? You were doing so great and then the minute he showed up he seemed to derail you (I would be exactly the same, not judging you). Were you heavy when you got together? Some men don't like thin women. Or is it just that he eats what he wants and you just have to go along with it?
I have the opposite problem here. My husband ALWAYS eats super healthy, no matter where we are, eating out, etc. I admire him and wish I could be like him, but yet sometimes just watching him makes me get an attitude and think well if I always had to eat that way I'd rather just be fat.
Wish we could just use food as fuel like it was intended to be, not with all these emotional issues clouding everything.
I know you're going through a really tough time and I know that there could be many dynamics here that are different from the usual.
But I would ask you to think back to a time before YOU were dedicated to your health and weight loss. Think back to how you felt about others dictating to you that you should eat healthy or that you couldn't eat X or that you were forbidden to eat Y in your own home.
We all used to do it before we committed ourselves to being healthier and I think sometimes we forget how we used to be .. just like a reformed smoker; we tend to believe that if people cared about us they would THINK like we do now. Our eyes have been opened, why haven't theirs?
You ask how anyone who cares would continue to bring junk into the house. How long did you bring junk into your own house, to your family, and to your body before you had the epiphany that changed your mindset? Did you love your family any less then than you do now? Of course not!
I understand your pain and stress. Believe me I do. I am living with my husband from whom I am separated and will eventually divorce. I have to deal with him every day bringing Taco Bell, chips, and other junk into the house. I have to deal with him every night asking me if I want a shake from Steak and Shake or if I want to go with him and get some onion rings.
Do I believe he is doing it maliciously? NO! But he doesn't get it. In the same way that I didn't get it 2 years ago. In the same way you didn't get it before you discovered the path to your journey. In the same way your husband doesn't get it now.
Maybe, because of the dynamic between you, there is some element of maliciousness in what he's doing. I can't say.
But I do know that like reformed smoker, reformed drinkers, reformed whatever ... reformed eaters as we all are here ... we sometimes forget how hard it is to accept the need to be healthy as a lifestyle. Society and our culture speaks out against what we're doing ... how can we expect our families to buck that trend?
Am I going to tell you to cut him some slack? Nah. I don't know what the situation between you is. I am going to tell you that I learned to cut my husband some slack. Because what he does isn't malicious. He just doesn't get it. Yet. Maybe ever. And sometimes it's hard for me to think back to that time when I didn't get it either ... and when I thought that a bowl of mac n cheese and 12 cookies was an acceptable dinenr.
I feel for you. I do. I wish I knew how to make it better. I wish I knew how to get my own husband who suffers from bad health, pre-diabetes, high cholesterol, bad knees and all the rest, to embrace a healthy lifestyle. But just like I had ot come to it in my own time and you had to come to it in your own time ... they will too. And it doesn't mean they love their families any less. It just means we're all the same.
.
Last edited by PhotoChick; 12-08-2008 at 11:04 PM.
Does he want you to stay heavy for some reason? What is his explanation? ... Were you heavy when you got together? Some men don't like thin women. Or is it just that he eats what he wants and you just have to go along with it?.
Good questions Paula. I wondered if he wanted me to stay heavy because if I got thin I might find someone else and leave him... which never would have happened, I always have believed he was my soulmate. But since he beat me to the punch (basically ended the marriage, in effect, although we are legally married still) I don't know why he would care if I got thin or not now.
He told me before that he is not attracted to skinny women. I was 250-ish when we met, and when I was 278 he said my butt was "perfect." But he has never dated other fat women, and has said he wants me to lose weight for my health. He sees how much I suffer with my knees due to the weight. So maybe it is subconscious.
It's very odd. Like today he asked me if one certain product he had bought was "okay for my diet" (it was). Yet he brings in cookie dough and fatty cheese spreads and crackers and salami without any comment?? I've explained it isn't a "diet" per se but a life change. He says he wants to lose weight, too, but I swear he eats six thousand calories a day. He is eating cookies 5 feet from me right now.
One thing that IS my fault is this. We had always enjoyed eating out together. Before he met me, he used to eat out A LOT. He likes ethnic restaurants. I was too poor to ever eat out so I have really enjoyed getting to go out once or twice a week. But since the economy is crap we stopped going as often, plus he has been gone. But whenever he asks me out to lunch, I say YES, because
a) it is one of the last pleasant remnants of our life together, and
b) I can't afford it on my own and truly enjoy getting to go out on occasion
So if I go and then eat too much that is MY problem. As a matter of fact, we are going out for Thai tomorrow. I plan to skip rice, fried stuff, cream stuff. Go for the Emerald Steamed Veggies. I think I'll do ok, but it does make things harder.
I am living with my husband from whom I am separated and will eventually divorce. I have to deal with him every day bringing Taco Bell, chips, and other junk into the house. I have to deal with him every night asking me if I want a shake from Steak and Shake or if I want to go with him and get some onion rings.
.
PhotoChick,
I had no idea you were in the same/similar position. It's a hard one to explain. Although my estranged husband lives halfway across the country most of the time, he came for the holidays. It's hard. Like you said.
Thank you for sharing your insights, which are amazing as usual. You're right, actually. He probably is not being malicious at all. If so, why would he be "trying to lose weight" while eating a family-sized tub of pimento cheese dip as a midnight snack? His idea of getting healthy is eating what you want but exercising 3 times a week.
If so, why would he be "trying to lose weight" while eating a family-sized tub of pimento cheese dip as a midnight snack? His idea of getting healthy is eating what you want but exercising 3 times a week.
Sounds like your husband and mine have very similar mindsets.
It's so frustrating to me. He'll call me and ask me if I want Taco Bell and I'll say, no thank you. He'll say, just a taco? No, thank you. How about share some nachos with me. NO!!!! Don't you get it? How many times do I have to say no.
And then his feelings get hurt. I was just trying to be nice. I was just offering.
And the thing is he really *DOESN'T FREAKING GET IT*.
*sigh*
The day I realized that he truly has no clue what "healthy eating" is and isn't ready to learn was a mindblowing day for me. I still don't get it. I still get frustrated. But it makes it a little easier to bear when he's pressuring me to have "just one" of whatever it is he brought home today.
Hang in there sister-chick. I know exactly what you're going through.
That would be very very hard to live with. (((hugs))) for you right now.
My husband has been really good but occasionally even he flubs. Like telling me how good the shortbread cookies he bought for the block party were and then ASKING ME TO SMELL THEM! I actually said to him right then that he was being inconsiderate and please stop. He just didn't think.
I wish you luck on your Thai lunch out. We're here for ya
"Food is love." It's not just us women who are raised to believe in this, but men too, I think. And it's the -pleasure- of food which is love; so the more sugary, fatty, salty, and incredible-tasting, the more love it is. I have had the conversation previously with my husband, when I was trying not to eat "bad things," why he would offer them to me or buy them for me, even though he knew what I was trying to do. And his answer was, "Because I love you and I like getting things for you that you like, because they give you pleasure."
So, maybe it's not malicious in the least, but rather the opposite--an attempt to show love. Very misguided, but still an attempt at love.
Food is often a thing that couples do together; there's eating on dates, eating while snuggling on the couch and watching a movie together, eating at special occasions. So it's pretty logical that food is an avenue to try returning to those feelings, even unconsciously--to feel some kind of togetherness and closeness, even if on a certain level the relationship is over.
I have had problems in the past with my husband sabotaging my healthy eating attempts. There was nothing malicious about it. He did not understand what I was going through and he wanted what he wanted.
This time we have negotiated. I gave him a list of foods that I simply cannot resist and another list of his “treats” that do not bother me. If he wants some of food that I cannot resist, he either eats them away from the house or brings in one serving to eat immediately. We have also found if he keeps some of his snacks out of sight, I don’t have a problem with it. If something tempts me that I did not expect to tempt me, it goes - Probably down the garbage disposal.
I sorry you are going through this. Tie a knot and hang in there!
Our situations are not the same, but I had to come to a compromise with my new husband about his buying chips and bringing them home. It's not always feasible for everyone, but it worked for me...
I gave him his own cabinet. To be sure, it's a small cabinet... and it's above the fridge, but it's his, and I told him he can put any of his junk food up there if he wants. Anything that needs to stay cold goes on the bottom & in the back of the fridge. He can have it, but it must stay out of MY sight.
The other thing is, when I see him eating the chips & dip, I say to myself "That's his." And that's the end of the discussion in my mind, it'd be like taking a stranger's food. Not an option.
You're stronger than food. No matter what, hang in there, even if you find yourself counting down to after the holidays.
I totally feel you. My husband decided to bring home dessert tonight which consisted of a lemon torte and my favourite ice cream - peanut butter chocolate chip. As soon as I saw it I started to salivate.
I just wish he knew how hard it is for me to stay on track. The worst part is that he is diabetic and he shouldn't eat it either.
We are such incredibly complex folks...sometimes I am sympathetic to those folks who don't know what to do.
I don't like it when my husband brings in the junk, and since he is diabetic and overweight, I am absolutely a reformed smoker...I want him to get it the way I do now.
Still, if he doesn't offer me something, or comments that I shouldn't eat something, I'm just as irritated. Its not for him to police me!
Lyn, you are in a miserable situation. Hang in there...this too shall pass. Meanwhile, is there any way you can isolate some of his food? Or alternately ask him not to bring in maybe one or two of the most triggering foods? (Let him have most of them, but see if he would forgo cookie dough if that is the worst.)
He will be gone soon, and your pantry will be clean again. Hang in there.
I kept arguing with my boyfriend about this until I just gave up and now I have learned to deal with reaching around his cherry pies and soda to get to my apples and oranges.
-I think that it has actually helped me in some way with my weight-loss, because it just goes to show me how much more I was eating when I was eating the exact same as him...-
Wither or not our spouses support us in our weight-loss or not, its defiantly hard to resist temptation and to question one another's motives...
You can and will be strong wither or not all the junk food in the house is removed or not. You have all of us here at 3FC, and we will all support each other.
Live-in sabotagers.... revisted
You seem to be dealing with a complex situation and so is he. It is good that you can keep things in perspective for the kids. Stay strong!
