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Old 08-16-2007, 04:52 AM   #1  
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Default Is he REALLY being supportive?

My husband is wonderful; he really is. He's always supportive of me, no matter what I say I want to do. He was ok with me changing majors (I now have two B.A.'s I'm working towards), he has no problem with me buying whatever I want for whatever hobby I'm currently interested in (and they never last long enough to get our money's worth out of the supplies, lol). I swear, I could tell that man I want to be an astronaut and he'd say, "Ok, let's do it."

But lately, I've been wondering if he's actually being supportive of my weight loss efforts. We both need to lose weight; he's over his weight limit for re-enlistment and I'm just tired of being big like this. You'd think that of the two of us, he'd have more drive, seeing as how his (and my) livelihood depends on him getting back down to regulation weight. You'd think that the fact that he exercises Marine Corps. style twice a day, 5 days a week means he's losing weight.

He's not.

Not even close.

I know his superiors look at me and think I'm the reason he struggles. I've even been pulled into his MSGT's office to discuss his weight issues. Basically, he asked me to cook healthier, which I've always frying ever. I shop healthy, I cook healthy, I try to portion healthy (one of my few remaining hurdles is portion control). I really, truly, honestly took this thing and ran with it: Light Mayo, Light and wheat bread, Light salad dressing, fruits, veggies. No more microwave burritos, no more hot pockets, no more Voila's. But I still buy yummy, healthy things that he's always liked: Quaker rice cakes, Special K bars, his Lemon Propel water, rice. You get the idea; I've changed things, but still left the flavor in them.

So what is holding him back? How is he not losing weight? Is he binge eating away from home? I honestly don't think so; I'd see the money missing from our account. Maybe he's got a male version of PCOS that's got his body hanging on to every last ounce it can. I honestly don't know.

As for his supporting me, there are two things that drive me absolutely bonkers and here's where I'm looking for advice.

Exercise. It doesn't matter what I do, how much I do of it, or how long I do it. He's always got some little tidbit to tell me. "You did the elliptical on what setting? Well, I usually do it on this setting." "That's not real tai-kwon-do, just the cheap knockoff they do in their routine." If I am huffing, puffing, and sweating; then I'm burning calories and who cares if I did it this way or that way? We've actually had fights about this habit of his before. He makes me feel like no matter how fast or hard I try, it's not good enough. His defense is that he's trying to help and I can understand that...once in awhile. But every. single. time?

Food. He offers me his leftovers...and I take them. This is a personal issue I have. I can eat, eat, eat until the sun goes down. At restaurants I have to ruin what's left of my food when I'm full or I'll clean my plate, at home I have to cook exactly what I'm going to eat or I'll eat the whole thing. I can practically hear my mom's voice in my head, "Finish your dinner." Why, if he knows I'm trying to lose weight, does he even give me his food at all?

This has been on my mind for days now. I've been debating whether I'm being some kind of drama queen or if there's something really there. I wasn't even sure I wanted to make this post and ask you guys. I don't want to paint my husband in an unkind light; he truly is the most wonderful man I've ever met and I can't imagine my life without him. He just doesn't seem that on board with his wife getting thin. Any ideas?
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:15 AM   #2  
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I have this same exact problem. My husband and I really need to lose weight but I feel sabotaged at every single turn by my husband. He doesn't like what I cook or blah blah blah..My hubby is absolutely wonderful to me but I suspect it's change that he doesn't like and my problem is I give in and then he thinks I'm not serious about my life style changes. He used to be quite jealous of men in general when I was thin and therefore was much more attentive to me. It could be that your husband does not want these changes to happen since it will mean a change of life for him. As for him giving you his leftovers, you have to learn to say NO and put it in the fridge as a future meal. But I'd talk to him and ask him not to do that anymore and ask him to not comment on your exercising and say something like how you're going at your own pace. I can understand about that as well. My husband used to be in college ROTC and his ROTC group was very serious about working out, so I can only imagine how your husband works out. I do find that strange he's not losing weight. Could it be that his body has adapted to him exercising that way? I know that sounds crazy but I've heard of if you do not mix it up with different work outs then your body can get used to it. Also another suggestion, maybe he feels left out somehow and feels that you're going to leave him behind and that's the reason for his actions. Men are very strange sometimes especially when it comes to "their women and how their women look and change their looks". Just be firm and kind with your husband and if he doesn't believe you that you are serious, then just DO it and he will see after a couple of months.
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:46 AM   #3  
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LOL, my husband thought he was being supportive, but ended up doing the exact same thing as your husband!

He means well, but I always got the critism of not doing things right. He even told me once, why bother using the exercise machines if I am not doing cardio for a minimum of 20-40 minutes? As far as I am concerned, any exercise is better than nothing, and it takes time for heavy folks like ourselves to build up to exerting exercises for a normal person. Heck, half of the stuff I do now is exerting for ME, while normal weight folks don't even break a sweat.

You know what? I don't care what my husband or anyone else thinks. I am doing this for ME, and no one else. If he doesn't want to join me in becoming healthier, there's nothing I can do, he has to have his own moment of awakening.

I must say, it took him a few weeks, but after watching the kids and I lose weight, he's now hopped on the bandwagon and has asked me to portion control his dinners for him and to cook for him, as he wants to lose the weight now. He only has about 15-20 pounds left to lose, and he's already lost 8 pounds. He doesn't work out with us on the machines, but he's stopped critizing after seeing us all lose weight and develop muscles where fat used to be. He also walks about 5-6 miles a day at his job, so he's kind of tired at the end of the day, but does other exercise on the weekends like swimming, hiking or skiing, depending on the season.

Maybe when your husband sees your progress, he will do the same. You can't force him, though, or he will resort to binging when you're not around. Just let him be, do your own thing and see what happens. Pretty soon, you'll be supporting HIM along in his journey.
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Old 08-16-2007, 07:59 AM   #4  
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Sounds like your husband is really supportive but is getting a bit too critical about how you exercise and not supportive enough when you eat.

Maybe he's being hypercritical about the excercising since he is in the Military. My DH is an honorably discharged Marine and said they cut you "no slack" when it comes to whipping people into shape and they don't hesitate to yell it right in your face-maybe this "tell it like it is approach" is coming from his superiors and he is therefore letting it spill into your personal life . Does any of his advice make sense or does it just sound like he's trying to pick a fight? Is it possible not to exercise while he's at home so he isn't watching what you do?

We all assume men normally lose weight faster but as we get older it becomes harder. You didn't mention his age or how much he has to lose but maybe that is working against him? Maybe he's snaking too much? We all know how those calories are adding up even if he isn't finishing his plate at home. Speaking of which. . . does he fix his own dinner plate? If you do it for him give him less food on his plate maybe he'll finish it all and not offer any to you. If not you have to tell him NO when he offers. LOL, you could also prepare less food and if he questions it just sweetly reply "Well honey since you NEVER finish your plate anyway I'm now making us LESS!"

I seriously think you should have a heart to heart w/him . Think about what you'd like to tell him before you discuss these things so it doesn't sound like Nagging to him--why do all men think we Nag ? You may want to start off with complimenting him on all the things he's doing to support you then discuss these things that are bothering you. Also does he know his superiors are coming to you about his lack of weight loss? It may be upsetting for him to know that so you may want to even tell his superiors next time to go to him NOT you-he's your husband but it's unfair for them to put you in the middle.

Good luck!
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:39 AM   #5  
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I can relate a little. My husband is the kind also telling me I am not doing the exercise right. Yesterday I was on the elliptical,30 minutes , and he comes in and tells me I should be doing it faster, because he could . I said ok , get on, do 30 minutes, and I use resistance. My husband is happy that I am slimming down, but he always pushes food at me: " oh it is not healthy not to eat, you have to eat something fattening once in a while, Oh try the cheese it is good for you", It really pisses me off.
I have tried talking he doesn't understand, so I have decided that I need to do this on my own, and let him eat what he wants. We eat different meals, I do not buy foods I will binge on, and so far so good, I have had a few bad days, but I pick myself up and do it again.
I don't know what the solution is for you, but I suggest that you first talk to him, and if this doesn't work, you need to decide if this is important enough for you to do it on your own.
Just know you are not alone , there are lots of great people here with great success stories.
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Old 08-16-2007, 08:59 AM   #6  
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Your husband sounds a lot like my husband. I love him with all my heart. He is truly an awesome husband and father. But, he is not being supportive. I got so frustrated last night that I just let loose and told him exactly how I feel. He is supposed to be my weight loss buddy, but last night he decided to order pizza and have a couple of drinks......calories galore! I told him that I wasnt going off plan. His response...."Just keep going, I'll catch up with you." This is not the first time he's decided to go off plan and stay there for a while. My husband is currently about 80 pounds overweight. He has a very strong family history of diabetes and heart disease. I worry for him constantly. I told him that he is a heart attack just waiting to happen. I asked him where his committment is....he's either starving himself and working out like a maniac or he's 100% off-plan and eating whatever he wants. His response, "I know, I know.....I'll do better tomorrow."

MarinePrincess, you are a very loving and caring wife, but there is a limit to what you can do. You can be supportive for him and prepare healthy foods for him, but you can't make him do what needs to be done. We each have to make our own decisions about what is best for us. Yes, it would be easier if they were 100% supportive. Unfortunately, they aren't so we have to make the best of the situation. Only you can decide what goes in your mouth and what doesn't. Refuse the leftovers......its your choice. Regarding your exercise, maybe you should just refuse to discuss it with him....or, not give him any details....maybe say something like "it works for me!"

Hang in there. One day, he'll look at you and realize that you've lost a ton of weight and he'll be so very proud.
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Old 08-16-2007, 09:12 AM   #7  
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WOW! And I thought I was in this little canoe by myself!

My husband is an AWESOME husband, great father, and overall wonderful man. BUT - he is just as those described here - he SAYS he is happy for my weight loss (and I trully believe he is) but then does things that are NOT helpful in my journey at all. He needs to lose weight too but just does not seem to want join me. He has lost a lot of weight before (twice in fact) and I think he just doesn't want to give up his favorite foods, even though he knows there are good tasting alternatives. Those alternatives just aren't the "real thing," as he puts it.

The thing about your husband seeming to have a better way of doing things than what you are doing is a male thing, in a lot of cases. However, if you know you are accomplishing what you are aiming for, don't let this get to you. Not only are there physical differences, there are emotional differences between the two of you. So, things that work for him will, obviously, not necessarily be what works for you. When he says "Well, I do this..." just reply with, "So, how's that working for you in YOUR weight loss journey?" And just pretend that he is just telling you for informational purposes rather than to degrade your efforts.

As for the food, I'm sure this is a tough battle, but to overcome it, I would have a candid talk with him (as you may have already done) and ask him to please stop offering me the food, have him "ruin" it for you instead of asking you if you want it, and that you really need for him to help (not hinder) you in your weight loss efforts.

As with most little aggravating things in a marriage, I'm sure these are just cases of male "duh" moments that they don't even realize how it comes across to us or effects, we have to tell them so they will see it from our view point.

Keep on keeping on! You are doing great, and I know you will get past this hurdle as well.
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Old 08-16-2007, 10:37 AM   #8  
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I got a big kick out of your story! haha


Well I would be really mad if they dragged me in their office and pretended it was MY fault! It sounds like he is still eating TOO much which means he could easily eat up all the calories he is burning.


If he starves himself when he gets ahold of food he will binge. HAs he tried counting cals?
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Old 08-16-2007, 11:48 AM   #9  
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Your husband sounds wonderful, and maybe if you're the one who does the cooking- this instruction he gives you in terms of the exercise is what he thinks is helping. Maybe it's as simple as saying something like 'I appreciate you trying to help; but..I feel like you're critisizing me and that doesn't help.' Sometimes I think men are weird when it comes to the weight thing. Especially if they have their own issues around it.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:06 PM   #10  
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It occurs to me that you are all expecting your men to act like girls. Men encourage each other by throwing out challenges to each other, through competition. It's different from woman sitting around, drinking Fresca's and discussing what they could do better next time at the gym. No better or worse, just different.

My husband also asks me if I want anything when he goes into the kitchen to get dessert. When I asked him why he does that, he said because it would be rude to get himself something without offering. I'm thinking sabotage and he's thinking politeness.

I don't mean to go all "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" on you, but there's a lot of truth to it. It's very possible that what you see as sabotaging jerk behavior is his trying to encourage you. Men just don't say things the way we like to hear them.
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Old 08-16-2007, 12:24 PM   #11  
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Until six months ago, my husband was the same as y'all's. But he's at least as committed to this lifestyle change as I am - probably more. I think there are many things men say that women hear in a completely different way.

Here's a true to life example: I bought a new outfit for a night out. Husband says, "Jeez, you are really dressed up and I'm just wearing jeans." I said, "that is not a compliment, try again!" He says, yes it is, I said you look great! I love it that I can see your shoulders, they are so skinny!" In man speak, "really dressed up" and "look great" must be the same thing!

My DH is much more athletic than I am and much more intense with his workouts. He is always giving me suggestions to improve my bike riding, running, weight lifting. I tell him I'm moving my body and leave me alone. He's got a whole obsession right now with bike cadence. How many times you pedal per minute. Drives him crazy that I won't even get a speedometer or computer put on my bike. I DON'T CARE how fast I'm going and I have a pretty good idea of how far I'm riding and I DON'T CARE about cadence. He'll ride behind me saying, "gear down, your cadence is too high" and I'll yell back, "I'm busy riding my bike, I can't talk to you now." He laughs and flies by me. I think it's just a man's thing to perfect activity. Let him know you understand he's trying to be helpful but he's driving you crazy. He won't stop, but he'll catch on that you aren't going to comply.

I think we have a failure to communicate on a regular basis, but who wants to live without a darn man???
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:04 PM   #12  
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I think as others have said, men just communicate differently. I've learned that subtlety doesn't work with them you have to be as blunt as they are. If you do that they usually get the message.

I can relate to the sabotage regarding food, I hang with a family member who tried to get me to go to McDonald's or Burger King all the time. I just say no, after a few times of doing that it stopped. She finally realizes that I'm serious about sticking to my plan and that doesn't include fast food.

I think being politely blunt with people and explaining it to them in no uncertain terms that you are sticking to your meal and exercise plan goes a long way towards getting the sabotage to stop. It's worked for me anyway
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:20 PM   #13  
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MarinePrincess- Have him keep a food diary. When my boyfriend wanted to lose weight, dieted and nothing happened I told him to do this. I said to write down everything. If it goes in his mouth, it gets logged. Found out his 2 sodas a day habit kept him from getting leaner.
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Old 08-16-2007, 01:38 PM   #14  
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This is so interesting. I had a similar experience with my husband. He would do things he perceived as caring, and I perceived as sabotaging. It was partly my fault, though. I'm not perfect on my plan, so if he would see me eating something he knew I didn't normally eat, he would assume that I was giving up entirely. For the longest time, I thought I was annoying him with all of my lifestyle changes.

Just this week, though, he surprised me by helping me get back on plan after I had been struggling for a few days. He encouraged me to go play tennis with him, then told me how proud he was of all of the effort that I was making. He's been more attentive in many ways and it feels so good now that I finally understand that he's on my side. Maybe your husband needs a little more time to understand that your commitment is serious...

As for his weight issues, unfortunately, you just can't control them at all. My husband now says that I inspire him to keep with his weight loss plan, and it sounds like Traci and others have had similar experiences. Since your livelihood does depend on him getting the weight under control, though, maybe you should have a talk with him about how much you appreciate how hard he works, etc., and want to do what you can to contribute to his efforts to support your family. Then, ask him what you can do to help. And I know you didn't ask for advice on your food plan, so please ignore this completely if you want. For me, things like Special K bars, rice cakes, and white rice trigger overeating. They never satisfy my hunger, and if I eat them when I'm not hungry, I find I'm soon hungry later. Maybe your husband is experiencing this as well?? Just a thought. (I also know that someone can find something wrong with EVERY food choice, and I know that many people use the foods you mention as part of a successful weight loss program, so please don't take this as criticism.)
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Old 08-16-2007, 06:24 PM   #15  
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I can't add anything to the husband part of the discussion - I think everyone here has given great advice!

What I will say is that while support is desireable from the people in our lives, it is not the key to our success. The key is within you. It's making the right choices despite what is going on around us. It's believing in yourself and what you know works for you and tuning out the other noise - even if that noise is coming from people we love and who we know love us.

Support is helpful though, so come here and we'll give you oodles of it!
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