My husband and I just had a not-so-nice conversation about an hour ago. I have been working my plan for exactly one month today and have lost 17 lbs. Well, apparently that is not quick enough for him. He was in the Army for 12 yrs. He lost 60 lbs in 8 wks during bootcamp so he can't understand why I am losing so slowly. He says if I would just follow his advice then I could lose at least 30 lbs in the next 4 weeks. I got a little irate with him and reminded him that he was 17 when he lost his weight and was running 7 miles in full pack in addition to all of the other conditioning that he was doing. I am currently walking 2.5 miles a day but he says that is just not good enough. He thinks he is inspiring me but he is doing the exact opposite.
Ronda, 17 lbs in a month is fantastic! Just because a thing may be theoretically possible (and I'd question whether his expectations are even possible) doesn't make it a good idea.
I would tell him to keep his opinions to himself if he can't FOLLOW your lead in this. This may be difficult for a military-trained alpha male to swallow, but for you to be successful, your plan has to be something YOU are comfortable with. When he says stuff like this, remind him that if you had wanted to do it the "military way," you would have joined the military.
If you have to give him a list of things he could do to help, and a list of things that do not help and you will not tolerate. This may be black and white enough for him to relate to. I know my husband is very "rule" oriented even though he was never in the military. He'll do whatever I ask him to, but I have to spell it out pretty clearly or he mucks it up pretty badly.
I don't mean to go all "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" on you, but there's a lot of truth to it. It's very possible that what you see as sabotaging jerk behavior is his trying to encourage you. Men just don't say things the way we like to hear them.
I'd love to see a man go through one pregnancy, several months of PMS, TOM, and raising kids while working and trying to lose weight at the same time. I am just willing to bet that half of these guys wouldn't open their mouths again if they had to go through this every month and deal with the pains of menopause as well.
As my Mom used to say- if a man had to go through one pregnancy in his lifetime, it would be the only child a couple would have. Funny how they're all gun ho and have all the answers to weight loss, yet let them catch a cold, and they're in bed for a couple of days, whining like a baby.
I remember one time I had the stomach flu- it was so severe, I had to go to the hospital and have an IV put in because of dehydration. Before then, he told me to suck it up, that I was just complaining too much over a little flu. Well, let me tell you, when HE caught it, he changed his tune and then apologized profusely, telling me he regretted what he said. It's like they have to go through something to understand what we go through to have any empathy.
One thing I would like to say...and I'm not saying it hatefully but it hasn't been mentioned...
You were totally offended when his superiors brought you in to discuss his weigh issues. You're right, it isn't on you. Quid pro quo...no matter whether you think he is supportive or not...it isn't on him. You weigh what you weigh because of your actions. You own your successes and you own when you don't succeed. Blaming him is a form of victimization of yourself and takes all the burden and responsibility off of your own shoulders.
By the way - my husband has about 80 pounds he should get rid of. He has just now started...I think partly due to seeing me do it but mainly because he is ready. Just like no one could get me to lose the weight, I couldn't get him to. So I NEVER said anything about it. NEVER. We own mirrors...he knows he's overweight. He knows how to lose weight. If he wants to, he will. I'll love him the way that he loves me....fat or thin.
I had one more thought about your husband's lack of weight loss despite needing to get down so he can re-enlist. Maybe he doesn't want to re-enlist and this is a passive-aggressive way of getting out of it??? I am always fighting my tendency to be passive-aggressive, and I can see myself doing something like this.
LaurieDawn - It could be him being passive aggressive, but I don't think so. We had a big discussion on whether or not he wants to re-enlist. I told him that I love military life, but if he's not happy, then he should get out. We even discussed possibly switching branches. Loooong story short, I got the feeling from him that he's one of those guys who loves what he does and is a Marine for as long as they'll have him.
Thanks so much for all your responses everyone. I really appreciate the advice. And who would have thought there'd be so many of us in the same boat?!
OK I'm not a hubby but I'm one of the few guys around here so I'm going to try and help out here some.
Marine princess without knowing how long he's been in or his age. His body could be used to his PT routine. Also just simply tell him no thanks on the left overs. If he asks why tell him I'm losing weight and I can't do that well if I'm eating your leftovers. (I had to tell a friends of mine the same thing)
As for guy speak I'm going to break it down like this Woman sees salmon, hot pink, bubble gum pink, and fuchsia. Guy sees pink. Woman sees pumpkin man sees Orange. Woman sees padded bra,strapless bra,sport bra, hooks and snaps. Guy sees things have hold the play toys when then the bedroom door shuts or bra. Woman spends an hour telling her girl friend about her date last night and this is the "short version". Guy tells is buddy about the same date in the commercial break during the instant replay review of the football game and it was the "long version" and both girl friend and buddy got the same understand of the date When a guy tells you you look good then it means whatever it was you actually wanted to hear from it. Cause Girls see robin egg blue and Guys see blue if your lucky he'll say light blue.
On anything physical men will make it a challenge. In worst case scenario you get Tim "the tool man" Taylor. most men will compete with themselves on a daily basis. I do this on just about anything that I can put a goal to. fastest time to work. fastest mile walk, most finished product units, anything. But the time we get home we just want to watch the ball game and sit in our chair.
What you see and he sees will alway be different even if you both saw it at the same time. Pulling them aside and straight forward talking works best. Don't start off with "we need to talk" this will put us into defensive we'll attack back. Its hard to say how to start it off but it should start of casually.
Crying- Its like a father holding their child for the first time or any man trying to hold a baby thats not a dad. We just aren't going to get it right. Crying isn't wrong or bad we just don't know what to do when it happens and what we think we should do isn't no where near what you want us to do and we'll get it wrong.
If you ask a question and don't get the answer you want but it was in the same direction as your line of thinking you may try to get him to clarify his answer. This happens to me a lot. You made need to do this when asking how you look. Cause to him you could be in a paper bag and you'd still look good.
If ever asked I will denie this post and my PC was hack. I never said this.
I just wanted to say keep your head up. I'm sure deep down the husbands really care and want to help. Sometimes guys don't know they're being boneheads and what they say they shouldn't be saying!
My husband has followed suit with all the healthy eating and has lost weight too. The only thing bad about that was that well..he wasn't fat to begin with. He was around 165 when I met him and he stopped eating dairy and went down to 150. He got two jobs and went down to 140. And now....now he's somewhere around 137!!!! Lately I've started buying him extra food like eggs, tofu, and chicken just for him.... I don't understand it. He eats immediately before going to bed. Sometimes he doesn't eat all day long. Skips breakfast. When he does eat he eats like a cow...he can eat 3 chicken quarters, two cups of rice, and thensome at a meal.
Sorry, I'm going on and on about me. I guess I didn't realise how much it bothers me. lol
This thread is amazing. I never knew so many loving husbands were doing this kind of stuff. I dont think they mean any harm...
My husband is overweight too, by about 50 pounds. He eats things like... cream on his cereal... sour cream on everything... 2 or 3 tablespoons of butter on his veggies!! It is his choice, I have told him how to eat healthy and he has decided to put butter and cheese and sour cream on anything healthy I cook. I cannot change that. BUT, when he starts trying to get ME to eat junk, I have to put my foot down. He would buy a CASE of candy bars at Costco, or 6 bags of chips, or 8 half gallons of ice cream (not exaggerating here). We have 5 kids. I do not want them eating that crap!! So I sat down and had (about 3 different) heart to heart talks with him about my health. He agrees, says he wont do it anymore, and still buys junk.
So, last time I said, please do NOT buy any junk for me or the kids. If you want junk for YOU, fine, but just get yours, and keep it in your dresser drawer. Fine... until one day he bought 3 boxes of girl scout cookies and left them on the counter. I put them in his room, they showed back up on the counter, over and over. Finally I said, What is up with these?? He says, I bought them for YOU. Ummmm, no. I told you not to buy me junk. Do you want them or shall I throw them away? And since then it has been slightly better. When he did buy another CASE of Hershey bars I put them in the basement freezer. When he buys anything junky I just freeze it down there. Chips are an issue. one bag? fine. Six bags, all open and clogging up the cabinets?? Not fine!!!!
Anyway he is gone out of state for a few weeks and I threw out all the junk food. The kids are fine with it. We eat a lot of fruit. When he gets back I am hoping to get him on board.
I so relate to what you're going through... it's brutal, isn't it? Good for you for holding the line, not just for yourself but for your children, too -- it must be so difficult at times! I know it is for me, but I think I have it figured out, finally.
My husband seems to equate rich, fattening foods with love. He grew up in New Zealand and prefers rich butter, cream, full-fat milk, fat-laden meats, massive amounts of starch, little veg and bland seasonings (if any) in his foods. To make matters worse, he weights around 200 pounds, which for his 6'3" frame is about right. He definitely appreciated my cooking skills when we got together, and I (foolishly) tried to cater to his tastes by cooking the things he loves -- for both of us. I loved the big smile I got when he walked in the door and smelled something fattening simmering on the stove. Big mistake. I gained weight; he didn't.
As the years wore on and I grew fatter and fatter, he encouraged me to try to lose weight. But each time I changed my cooking routines, I got not-so-subtle hints that he was displeased with the menus -- the sad face, the heavy sigh... sometimes even the bold, "I can't eat this!" as I set his plate down before him. We had discussion after discussion about his passive-aggressive sabotage of my weight loss efforts, which, in addition to the heavy sighs when he saw vegetables on his plate, also included such things as nightly bringing home ice cream and candy for me of varieties which he knows I am fond. It's been really, really hard to resist his contrary efforts, but this time I've just put my elephantine foot down. I've told him I intend to eat in a way that is healthy for me and I am happy to prepare portions for him of things I'm cooking that he wants. He is free to pile on the unhealthful additions to his (poor) heart's content. And if I'm cooking something he can't stand (Mexican food, for example), he is encouraged to make something he does like for himself instead. Now when I grocery shop, I have the shopping cart of a schizophrenic: Healthful whole grains, beans, fruits, veg, olive oil, spices and seasonings on "my" side; Hamburger Helper, half-gallons of ice cream, pre-made dinners, white bread and butter on "his" side. I'm sure the grocery clerks think the bad stuff is all for me! But never mind them. So far, this seems to be working for my husband and me.
I hate to say it, but another thing that has helped is that my husband has started a new position with his company that keeps him traveling a couple of nights a week. He's required to "wine and dine" clients, so he can have whatever he likes at his company's expense -- and I don't have to deal with it! I miss him like crazy when he's gone, but I've tried to use this change in our lives as an opportunity to do what's right for me without the pressure of his meal preferences at home.
I do think there is a component of insecurity going on with him. I'm not a bad-looking woman when I'm around a suitable weight. I've been lucky enough to enjoy a decent amount of male attention in my lifetime. I think part of my husband's reluctance to go along with my weight loss efforts is his fear that I will become "attractive" again. He used to be a little jealous when we first started going out.... this abated as I gained weight. I have no wish to make him jealous. I love him very much, he's a wonderful man and fidelity is important to both of us. But I can't help but wonder if he thinks somehow all that will change if I become thin. It won't, but he doesn't know that yet.
Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on about me, but this thread -- and your post in particular -- struck a chord... perhaps someone else here may benefit from hearing my experience, so I've shared it.
Heartfelt support offered to all those who are going through some variation of this added challenge to weight loss efforts!
... most men will compete with themselves on a daily basis. I do this on just about anything that I can put a goal to. fastest time to work. fastest mile walk, most finished product units, anything. But the time we get home we just want to watch the ball game and sit in our chair.
....
Crying isn't wrong or bad we just don't know what to do when it happens....
Outland...thanks for your post, even women sometime forget that we have miscommunication problems.
But I must say, I am beggining to think I am a guy...I always have it hard when my friends cry (and I only have 2-3 girl friends), because rathe than helping I try to solve the problem.
In terms of compentitiion, exactly true... even as I started working out, I placed it as a challenge for myself.
Funny how they're all gun ho and have all the answers to weight loss, yet let them catch a cold, and they're in bed for a couple of days, whining like a baby. 
