Linda,
Hang in there. Your post seemed to have so much despair. I can understand it as I am sure a lot of us can. I hope you start posting more often and maybe find some inspiration here.
Linda, I've missed you!!! And I know exactly how you feel. It took me soooo many attemps and false starts over the past 20 years til I finally got it right. Luckily we only need to get it right one time - the last time. And when you DO get it right, and you will, all those years of misery and failure will be overshadowed by success and happiness. Those failures will be a distant memory. You can't ever give up on this, it's just too important. You're too important.
I am so happy to see you back on the boards. I've really missed you.
You know, it took a lot of courage to post what you did. Maybe that's a start. A start down the path of being hopeful and not hopeless.
That negative dialog in your head can really do a number on you. It's time to turn that around girl. You are such a wonderful person, no matter what you weigh. It's just a number on the scale. Don't let that rule you. Think about it this way...you weigh 100 lbs less than me. Hey, that's worth doing the dance! It could be worse.
Ok, so you are not ready right now to start. Fine, accept that and be happy. You'll start again, when you are ready. That point will come. For me a lot of it started when I started being more active in the boards. Sometimes seeing that it can be done goes a long way in believing you can do it.
You can come here and read and encourage and complain...whatever. But being with people who get it...helps.
Gosh.....I can't stand the feeling of being in despair, but like Diane said...that is definitely where I am
Those of you who know me....definitley know that despair is not a place I generally live my life. For the most part, I live my life in hope and positivity. So, it does suck to be here in this sad place.
I have never left this board, I've always been here, reading. It just seems silly and hypocritical in my mind to post when I'm so down on myself! I feel badly because I haven't been offering encouragement lately.
I feel like every time I post....I am simply whining about something only I have control over. I know what needs to be done...I've succeeded twice before, so I do know that I can do it...it's just finding the strength to allow the positive side of myself to beat down that negativity that's difficult.
I seem to be allowing the negative side of myself to control me because it's easier than doing the work it takes to turn it around.....even my psyche is LAZY!!!!
So, I will say this for today. I will start posting more often...and offer encouragement to others. I will start to try to turn this terrible thinking around, and make a conscious effort to fight the negativity that is screaming so loudly these days. I will remind myself of all the good things about me...and stop beating myself up so badly. THAT should foster some change...don't you think?
You know, I think that this theme is being echoed a lot lately. (Since I only joined in late February, I can't really say I have a ton of experience with posting, but...) But I have noticed that many have said that they don't want to post only when they are frustrated or whiney or ranting or whatever frame of mind. I had even put in a post that I felt like a fraud when I posted comments as to what OTHERS should do when I have so much trouble doing it myself!
My new point of view is that I actually find it helpful to try to encourage others when they are down. It helps me when I have to search for the reasons why you should continue and why to stay positive in the journey. Maybe then it helps to keep my own journey on track.
We are all, or have been, in similar situations and I don't think it is hypocritical to participate in any conversations. I love the feeling of community here. I feel so comfortable talking with everyone here.
I've been busy with my own stuff (medical) but wanted to say hey, lady! I know how you're feeling! Both you & my Linda. If it's not one thing, it's another. I have come to terms with the fact I am a stress eater. Am I ready to stop stress eating? Not today, it seems. But I am ready to try again tomorrow, and the next day & the next day after that.
By the time I have time to post (now!) I feel like I've missed out on most of the day. But I couldn't just lurk tonight, had to say, I know you can do this, Sandi. I know you can do this, too, Linda. And I know I can do this, too. Hopefully this year, but I am not going to be mean to myself if I don't get to my goal weight or even Two-derville this year. I will just keep swimming, just keep swimming, until I get it right.
First, Sandi, thanks so much for spelling out for all of us the confusing and painful tangle of motivations and results that each of us thought was/is our private ****. You know now you're not alone, and today so many more of us know it, too. Thankyou for taking our support, and making it further your own commitment. I know many of us despair of reaching our own goals, but if our support can really help someone else, well then hope reopens for us too! In the last 30 years, I've been in your ****, in my own despair, helped others just by seeing them for the miracles they are, and also found further steps toward my own hopes. I've repeated the cycle many times, felt inefficient, a failure, worthless, all the rest. I'm trying to be at peace about the whole thing, and it's still lots of work, but so worthwile, because I'm worth it. Why should I disbelieve the people who love me just as I am? The bottom line is, we are all loved by people who know us well, because we are all worth it!
And Linda, I didn't understand the depths of your feelings before, on another thread earlier. Yes it's possible to manage one's thought patterns, as I posted in response then. But when you're plunged into deep despair, self-loathing, or grief, just to name a similar state which is better understood and forgiven, you're going to need time and understanding. Forget the intellectual stuff, time for that later. No need to pretend things aren't sucking, just lean on anyone who cares about you, okay? Don't worry about the healthy balance you want to find, just yet, it's one step at a time. Maybe down the road you can be someone else's leaning post, but first you have to find ways to pick yourself up (or be picked up) and take the next step. That already takes real work! Keep breathing, forgive yourself, you're human too.
And one of the most valuable things I ever heard, in the middle of a really sucky (for me) medical weight loss program that otherwise didn't work, was: "Just think where you would be today, if you hadn't tried at all? Weighing MUCH more, unable to move, waiting for people to feed and change you. On kidney dialysis for the rest of your life. Painful blood clots forming in your legs. Limbs amputated from diabetic infections that became gangrenous. Chest pains, trouble breathing. Impacted lower plumbing. Blind from diabetic retinopathy. Waiting for the next series of heart attacks &/or strokes. A big worry to family and local paramedics who will need special equipment to get you to help. Maybe instead, just a passing, painful memory to the ones who now joyfully love and support you. Your own hard work has already saved you from all of that!"
So, take heart however you can, Linda and Sandi, and give yourselves a bit of credit. Make no mistake, you already deserve it!
Becoming Wisdom: Wow! That was so well written... eloquent. You have nailed it and I agree with what all you said. Now, heading into the weekend (not my best on plan times!), I am thankful that I read what you wrote.
Sandi: Thanks for starting this thread. It's amazing how these grow into something so great and so beneficial for all.
dance! It could be worse.
But I am ready to try again tomorrow, and the next day & the next day after that. 
