Hey there. I just need to vent a little about my husband. Right now I am so po'd and frustrated with him. You guys know I work night shifts and I work every other weekend. When my husband is looking after our son I get very upset. A lot of the time they do nothing over the weekend. While I am sleeping most of the time they are in the house, my husband is holding down the couch while our son plays inside. I realize that my dh is tired on the weekends and heaven knows I am too most of the time with working nights I am sleep deprived most of the time but I put forth the effort to play with my son and take him outside and do stuff with him. Other times dh will be in the garage doing stuff and ds is in the house by himself playing. I'll ask dh why ds isn't outside with him and he'll say that ds didn't want to come outside. Ds is almost 6 and really he is a good kid and not likely to get into anything that he shouldn't but still we have to be forcing him to get outside of the house and do more things and I have been doing that a lot. I've been taking him outside and getting him to ride this bike a lot more these past few weeks. After I leave for work at 6pm my dh goes in the house with ds puts a movie on the tv and goes on his computer until it is time to put ds to bed. Like why can't he get ds to ride his bike like I do in the evenings or take him for a walk or something? I am just as tired as he is but how hard is it to sit on the porch while ds rides his bike up and down the sidewalk? Oh yes I have suggested this to him and generally gotten the 'I'm too tired' reply.
Okay so today dh was tired and headachey and grumpy because ds had a birthday party to go to and I guess he was bugging dh about it often. You know 'is it time to go yet?' every 5 seconds. So I happened to wake up close to 1, dh was on his computer, ds was downstairs playing. Ds was grumpy so I had a 10 second chat with him and went to find out what ds was doing. He hadn't had lunch so I made him something and turned on the tv while we sat together and he had lunch. Dh came down, said that ds had said he wasn't hungry around quarter to 1, (um yeah, make him lunch anyway?!) and he was po'd that ds was watching tv because he'd watched cartoons in the morning. Well is that my problem that you didn't do something else with him? So then they got ready to go to this party and are in the car and dh is getting po'd at ds because he can't get his car seat buckle done up. I"m standing on the front porch in my pj's because I am planning on going back to sleep. I see that there is something going on so I go over to the car and open the door and dh is about to get out of the car to do up the buckle but meanwhile he is angry. It is not ds's fault that he can't get the buckle done up because dh had moved the car seat and the other part of the buckle was not in the right spot. So meanwhile I am trying to get the buckle done up and telling dh to get a grip and he's all po'd and finally I'm like just get out of the car, I'll drive ds to the party, I don't trust you to drive when you are in the this mood. After a couple of minutes of this they leave for the party. So I'm upset and crying and wondering if we should even be thinking about having another baby when he acts like this with the child we've got. I'm too upset to go back to sleep but I've got to go back to work tonight. I just feel like he is so selfish sometimes, he just doesn't seem to get that there are other people in this family too and that how he acts affects the rest of us. You know I have a lot of times when I am tired and grumpy and I won't say that I am always miss mary sunshine around my child. Sometimes I get a little angry at him for stupid things, yes just like my dh did but I don't act the same way. The child is almost 6 for crying out loud, you have to allow for that. Usually I take a deep breath and walk away for a minute or 2 but I always come back. I feel like dh just abandons ds when he is leaving him to play by himself for such long periods of time. It is almost why bother being around to begin with, what are you doing for him? I feel like a single parent a lot of the time, I'd just as soon take ds to a babysitter or daycare than have to leave him with dh sometimes for all that he gets out of being around his own father.
Anyway I am calmer now, still po'd but calmer. When they get back I know dh is going to be still angry and I will apologize for some of the things I said. I think there are a lot of things he could do to improve in being a father but I know I can trust him not to hurt our child physically. I said somethings because I was upset that I didn't mean. I still am really unhappy about a lot of things but I will have to find a way to work on those (dh doing more with ds when I am working or sleeping during the day on weekends). I am really starting to think about having another baby, if it is a good idea. Some other things happened a couple of weeks ago and I was having second thoughts as well then. As much as I would like to have another baby, I'm not sure dh is the best person to be a father. I know that there are men out there that are worse fathers, I think dh is generally a good person but I"m not sure he is cut out to be a father. He had a lot of issues growing up with his own parents and I"m not sure that he has been able to work through them enough so that he can be a better parent.
Anyway thanks for sticking with me if you read through this novel. I just needed to vent and get it out of me.
I don't know if your husband is an inadequate parent, or whether he just isn't the kind of parent you think he should be (you do mention that you want him to be the kind of parent you believe you are).
Fathers aren't mothers, even great fathers, aren't mothers, and more importantly he isn't ever going to be you, so he is never going to always make the choices you would have.
Whether he has skills he needs to learn to be a better parent, or whether he's just being a normal dad, and you're stressing out because he isn't doing it the way you want it done, a parents' support group, family counseling, or even griping with other mothers will help. It's hard when you work the night shift, because you never get the rest you need, so you're always tired and stressed, and the whole world is on a different schedule than you are.
My sister had a hard time when she was trying to go to work full time and go to college with two small boys. Her husband and my parents took care of the boys while she was in school, but she had a hard time dealing with the fact that her husband and often even my parents didn't always do things the way she would have. My parents are older and don't have the energy to do much more than watch movies and play quiet games with the kids, and her husband either as yours did, let the boys amuse themselves, watched tv with them, or wrestled with them (none of which Mary approved of). To a certain degree, she had to let go and realize that she couldn't make anyone do it "her" way, because they weren't and couldn't be her.
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)
I'm so sorry for all of the frustrations! No one can fault you for wanting the best nurturing for you child. I think as a mom that's one of our jobs. Here's a few random thoughts. I like to think of them as word salad.
1. What you see is what you have. Whatever kind of partner you have, that's him. He's not going to morph into anything else. You're already busy raising a child while working full time, you don't have time to try to give on the job training to your partner in how to be a parent after six years.
2. The only person you can even hope to change is that nice lady in the mirror. Sometimes we hook up with guys thinking we can tweek them into something else. We get frustrated, they feel nagged and everyone is miserable. As much as we'd like, we cannot change anyone else, especially our partners. It aint happening.
3. If you're not impressed with his current parenting, don't expect it to improve with the next baby. Each baby brings another level of stress & some parents have a tool box of coping techniques, some do not.
4. You can attempt to sit down with him & outline how you'd like your Ds to be parented but if he dosent get on board then you guys are not parenting as a team.
Tough words, I know. I'm so sorry. Here's hoping that things will get better for you soon! Take care!
I'd just like to echo what Marylynn has said, and I really think maybe you should sit down and have a talk with your DH. Let him know that you'd like it if your son were more active and not watching TV as much. Maybe set a TV time limit for the day. Have you and your DH seriously talked about more kids, or just mentioned that maybe it is something you might like to do? Maybe you need to have a sit-down talk with him about it? Its hard for me to give good opinions I think since I don't have kids, but we are going to be trying for our first soon and I know I wouldn't be doing if DH and I hadn't seriously talked about it.
I agree parenting discussions are great, but if you and your husband fundamentally disagree on the way children should or will be raised or supervised... you may find it helpful to find parenting seminars or groups in your area to get some perspective. Though, with 3rd shift, I know that wouldn't be easy.
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)
I know what you are going through. Having known you for a while, I don't know how much talking to your husband will do, but it's worth a shot. Maybe setting up a rule that if DH is outside the DS has to be as well? Maybe work around DH on that by rewarding DS for following the rule with new outside toys or activities when he goes out X amount of times?
It's hard when parents fundamentally disagree on parenting styles (you know I'm right there with you). You know DH isn't going all of a sudden see the light and the errors of his ways, but there has to be some middle ground. Maybe ask him to set aside even 30 minutes a night of Dad/son time?
But I think you are right to question having more kids right now. You're stressed, he's stressed. It is definitely something to discuss.
Fell free to vent though. Sometimes just saying "Am I crazy or is my husband being a jerk?" Just to get that resounding "YES! He is being a jerk and YES he does need to step up" helps so you know you aren't the only one who thinks that and reminds you that you aren't being unreasonable.
I'm sorry I can't help more. Just politely voice your concerns offer a reasonable solution (60 minutes of interaction that isn't tv), allow Dh to make a counter offer (30 minutes) find some middle ground and start there. Maybe once DS and DH find something to bond over they'll enjoy it and that time will increase. If all else fails buy a TV lock out device
I am coming at this from the 'other' side. My husband is the gentle, patient, in charge one when it comes to our children. I am the TV plunker and the growly one.
I try very hard not to growl at our oldest, very hard. My husband knows this and does not look down on me for it. We just worked it out that he stayed home with them and I worked. However this has all changed since he has enlisted in the Army.
Over the next few months I am going to have to learn that patience, and learn that the TV is not a good thing for 8 year olds. I have the TV on from the second I wake up to the second before I fall alseep. I don't really watch it, I just have to have the noise.
Don't give up on us, me and your DH, we just don't always get it. When things get tough, sit down and talk to him. THAT will tell you if he is worth the effort. If he wants to talk and actually takes your advice then you have yourself a good one, maybe a thick one, but a good one. If he tries to use your advice and change, then lock him up cause others are gonna try and steal him. If he says he doesn't have the time...Dr. Phil?
I try and my hubby knows it, and I can see a change fro this time two years ago. I actually think before I bark now. And I turn the TV off when kiddo is needing attention.
I think something that bugs me is that he is so inconsistent. He wants our son to not watch tv but he doesn't provide ds with anything else to do. Ds can really only play by himself so much, he wants someone to play with. If dh won't play with him why doesn't dh let him go outside and find someone to play with? Monday night we went outside after supper and ds rode his bike for a bit then asked to get his hockey net out in the driveway which we did and I played with him for a bit then he trotted up the street to find a friend to play hockey with. He was outside for almost 2 hours playing. If I had been at work he would have spent those 2 hours watching tv. I said to dh that all he has to do is get ds outside to ride his bike or something and all he has to do is sit on the porch and watch him if he doesn't feel like playing. Oh and the night we had the hockey net out dh actually grabbed a stick and played for a few minutes. I can't always be the one to get these things started, I work too so he's got to step up to the plate and be a dad and not just a sitter. We always used to laugh at those dads who would say that they were babysitting the kids because it isn't sitting if it is your own kid but he's turned into that sort of day, just killing time, making sure the basic needs are looked after.
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