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Old 07-28-2003, 09:58 PM   #1
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Unhappy How to deal with "help" you don't want...

I've been working on dieting and have managed to lose 50 lbs.
Since I'm really overweight, I still have quite a bit to go.

The problem is that my husband is beginning to act like a "diet cop". I didn't need his help to lose the first fifty pounds and I know what I can have and not have on my own program.

The thing is, he knows nothing about losing weight and thinks that unless you're totally miserable the pounds won't come off. Today I was eating some sugar free jello with two tablespoons of Fat Free cool-whip. The whole dessert was less than 50 calories. To hear him hounding me, you'd think I was eating a banana split or something. I showed him the label for calorie count and also pointed out the fact that the product was Fat Free. His response was that the label was, "lying".

I know I can lose weight, but when he hounds me, I get upset and give up. This has happened many times before. I do very well until he begins "helping me".

Any ideas on how to get the diet cop off my case? And any ideas why he never mentions my weight until I begin to diet, then he begins watching every spoonful that goes into my mouth and telling me what to do. I could understand if I wasn't making any progress, but I do, at least until he makes me fail by making me miserable by hounding me.
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Old 07-28-2003, 10:16 PM   #2
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Hugs to you (((rainbowmyst))) ! First of all, a very big congratulations on losing those 50 lbs ! That is a great accomplishment . I can understand your frustration totally since some of my own family members are the same way. Since we can't kill 'em , we have to live with 'em. One way that I deal with the person in my family who makes snide remarks (my mother of all people), is I say "Why, thank you very much for your support!" You shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone for eating, especially when it's a totally legal treat. I think your hubby needs a sit-down, heart-to-heart talk with you. Tell him how his words hurt you and though you know he's probably trying to be helpful, be honest and tell him that his methods are hindering, rather than helping. Another thing I do that sort of helps me is that I don't tell anyone what I'm doing--I don't tell them that I'm on a 'diet'. I just make the changes I need to make, get out and exercise and when the pounds start dropping off people notice. NICE people will give you encouraging words. Sometimes hubby's can be major bone-heads, I know mine can. But just keep the lines of communication open and talk about the problem you're experiencing with his help. I'm sure he loves seeing you succeed. Keep up the great work and remember, come here to 3FC to vent anytime! It helps.

Hope this helps!

Aloha!
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Old 07-28-2003, 10:32 PM   #3
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Men can be so clueless at times!!

Noelle gave very good advice, IMHO. Keeping the lines of communication open may prevent a major blowup later. Also, as she said, keep coming here to vent - I personally don't think I would have made it this far without my friends here.

And WTG on the 50 pounds gone!!! You're surely doing something right!!
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Old 07-28-2003, 11:38 PM   #4
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Basically, I agree with both posts above, especially the part about not telling anyone what you are doing. It's none of their business, whether you're married to them or not.
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Old 07-30-2003, 09:55 AM   #5
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Oh rainbowmyst! HUGE HUGZ!!! I think I am married to your hubby's twin!

WTG on your 50 pounds gone forever!!!!!!!!!!!

Like the others have said, I just stopped sharing with him anything to do with my weight loss.

He doesn't get it at all. He has never been overweight in his life although his eating habits are horrid, he just doesn't get it. He thinks that I shoud be able to lose 50 pounds in a week!

I feel like telling him if he doesn't get off my back about it I will lose 125 pounds in a week...meaning him!!!! LOL!

The hard part is that he does all the grocery shopping and he buys the cheapest most fat laden junk you can buy so I do have to go and shop and buy other food to eat so he knows I am dieting. Then he will cook these heavy meals late at night and expect me to eat them.

If I even mention I am dieting or he can tell because I am not eating the stuff he makes, he will deliberately go out and buy packages of junk food like little debbie snacks. The other night he made a huge pan of homemade brownies and stuck them right under my nose and seemed offended because I turned it down.

But...just the night before he berates me for eating a rice krispie treat which is only 2 points and was a legal snack. I couldn't even enjoy my snack because he sat there and made rude comments the entire time I was trying to eat it.

Then he makes rude comments about my weight and I said well I am working on it and he said well you had better do something else because it ain't working. Since then, I have not lost a pound and feel demoralized by him. I told him that his comments are not helping. I talked to him about this maybe a dozen times and he still does it.

What I really think is that although he wants to make fun of me for being fat, he really doesn't want me to lose the weight because other men will be looking at me and I might leave him.

With his constant put downs, he may be right!
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Old 07-30-2003, 10:20 AM   #6
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I just had to respond to this one!!

for all the shdh's that dont know enough to keep their mouths shut!!

Rainbowmyst~ on your 50lb loss. I know how hard it is, and I also know you can get the rest off!! You've come this far, tell hubby that you appreciate his support, but its not helping you....so please just keep quiet and say nothing! I know they think they are helping, but you have to tell him exactly why it isnt. We put ourselves down enough, we dont need outside help.

Beledigirl~I was married to someone like your hubby, and yes thats exactly what he was afraid of. When he noticed I was starting to lose weight, he would offer to take me for dairy queen, or bring home pizza for supper. Stuff like that.....and yes, once the weight was off, I left. After 13 yrs of being put down, I had had enough. So, stop his behaviour now before its too late, I really dont think they realize they are doing it.

Be proud of yourselves Ladies and all you have accomplished, with or without the support of loved ones!

Ok, I'll get off my soap box now

Robin
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Old 07-30-2003, 11:52 AM   #7
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Wow, I too just had to jump into this one. I had the exact same kind of husband - the saboteur!! He wanted me to weigh less and be in shape, but when I'd start to lose, he'd hit me with the dove bars and tell me I was grumpy, and the chocolate would help. Quite honestly, I left him before I dropped the weight. There were a lot of things wrong with that marriage, and I figured why do I need to be 50 pounds lighter to stop this nonsense? So what happened after the separation? I started working out and I lost the weight. He was the one who constantly said things like "I hate women who are always on diets." And yes, he was terribly insecure.

Please don't let these people undermine your efforts. Please stand strong, you KNOW what to do, you KNOW what's best for you. Life is too short to let other people control our actions.
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Old 07-30-2003, 01:46 PM   #8
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I'm not sure I should even respond to this thread, because I have no point of reference.....meaning, I have the best dh ever. Even at my highest weight (346.5) he has never ever said a word about it. The only thing even close to discussing my weight is when he told me once that he didn't care how big I was, that my weight had nothing to do with who I am as a person.

While I may not necessarily agree with that, because my weight is who I am, God has richly blessed me with someone who loves me unconditionally and in this day and age that is rare.

I would like to say to rainbowmyst and beledigirl though..... First of all, sincere congrats on the weight you've lost despite your obstacles. I know sometimes we feel we need to include our dh's in our weight loss journey, but some men are just not able to handle that. Maybe if you sit down and have a talk with him and explain that even though he's trying to help, (if that is indeed what he is doing) that he is hurting and even hindering. Sometimes, if you do not want your man's opinion, then you do not need to give him food for thought. (so to speak) Don't tell him what you're doing and you may even want to tell him that it is hurtful to you and your new lifestyle for him to bring in fat laden things and wave them right in front of you.

I don't seem to have any words of wisdom here, but I certainly hope I've said something that might help. Most importantly, remember....NO MATTER WHAT size you are, you are beautiful and worthy. Worthy of love and of respect.

Good luck and congrats again on all your hard work!
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Old 07-30-2003, 01:53 PM   #9
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I would seriously either 1) show him this thread, or 2) explain to him what you explained to us in the initial post..

good luck, and grats on your progress so far!!
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Old 07-30-2003, 01:57 PM   #10
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Rainbow,

First, congrats on your 50 pound loss. That alone is not an easy feat. Believe me, I know from personal experience since beginning my own weight loss journey this past March.

On one side, men can be clueless and we tend to want to give them an attitude adjustment upside the head. But at the same time, ol' Diet Cop also appears to be concerned about your health and well being.

The best way, in my personal opinion, is to find a netural time and space when both of you are in a rational state of mind and have a nice heart to heart. Thank him for his love and concern for you, but his remarks and constant hounding of you during your efforts to shed the excess weight are doing you more harm than good, and encouraging words...and perhaps backing off the 'diet cop' act a bit would also be a big help. (Nothing is more annoying than having one's plate watched at every meal.)

Keep us informed on how things are working out.
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Old 07-30-2003, 03:42 PM   #11
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Boy this is gonna get me into trouble, but the people that know me know that I am forthright. First off, this is your HUSBAND not some aquaintance from work. I would put a stop to this nonsense right now.

I, like Tina, have an adorable dh that supports me big time and loved me at 400+ so he is not gonna interfere in things, but you obviously do NOT. I would say, "Listen honey, I know that you are really concerned about my health, but I am following my plan and eating what it allows. You may not agree with my plan, but it has allowed me to lose weight so it is working for me. It really hurts my feelings that you think I am cheating and even if I was, it is only MY decision to make. I do not want to have a fight about this, but it is not up for discussion so from here on in, if you want to comment, feel free but I am not going off my plan for you or anyone else!"

I wouldn't be surprised if dear hubby needs to lose a few lbs and feels guilty so make sure you give him a big hug and tell him you appreciate him when you say your piece.

Faye And may I say, a huge congrats for losing the weight. It ain't easy!
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Old 07-31-2003, 08:29 PM   #12
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Thank you everyone for the advice and encouragement. I'll have a talk with the "Diet Cop" and let him know that I'm not the only person who thinks his form of encouragement isn't helpful.

Thanks again,

Rainbowmyst
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Old 08-05-2003, 10:02 AM   #13
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On an opposed note, I'm all for the Killing Them With Information tactic. Once you've had your talk, and he knows you're on a plan, you can take every "temptation" and "attempted derailment" he throws at you as an opportunity to enlighten him about your plan.

"Oh, thanks for thinking of me by making brownies, honey. But I've figured out my calories/points/carbs for today and they just don't fit into my plan. Maybe another time. "

If he persists...

"Oh, but honey, I want to be healthy and strong, and those things have X calories per bar and X grams of fat. Just read the nutrition label.." Here's where you grab the box from the trash and give him Reading Nutrition Labels 101.

IMPORTANT: Don't be sarcastic -- just be thorough.

After a while, he'll learn something, get mad, or leave you alone. Two of those three are good things. The third is what you're dealing with already.
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Old 08-08-2003, 06:21 PM   #14
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Unfortunately I have known men who claimed to 'care' about me and my health so 'nagged' me about what I ate, but in reality there concerns were very superficial, being more concerned with appearance and what they viewed as physical attractiveness. A lot of times these type of men are just plain emotional abusers. They will insult you when you are heavy, yet they know deep down that when you lose the weight and have more self confidence in your appearance, etc. you might just realize that you CAN do better and don't need to put up with their abuse, and will have the confidence to leave them and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. So I think that sometimes this is the reason that they may attempt to sabotage the diet, while still complaining about you and your weight. They know that they can knock you down more easily when you are overweight and feeling negatively about yourself. Strange paradox really. Hope this all makes sense. This may not be the case with your partners but thought this was worth mentioning in any case.
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