Wow. I'm sorry you have to even justify your food And compete against your husband about food. Someone that loves you for you will not only support you 100% but try and help you get to that point. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a healthy weight (obviously if a person was a skin and bones, not eating..etc that would be different). Any man that loves you and you love them back it shouldn't matter your size, they should be proud of you in your weight loss and proud to "show you off". It sounds like he could use some healthy sabotage himself. Wants cookies? Bake them but purre some veggies in there!
Keep us updated on the progress, everyone is here to support you!
Ah yes, marriage is sooo complicated at least mine is. Hang in there! Others are right - this isn't quiet sabotage it is in your face! My general impression is that a lot of men find it unnerving when their wives lose weight because they are insecure! Seems to get worse as they get older! Do it for yourself! Your comments about heart health and joint discomfort are right on! Plus focus on how much better you feel already with the weight off! Will be thinking of you!
Wow. I'm sorry you have to even justify your food And compete against your husband about food. Someone that loves you for you will not only support you 100% but try and help you get to that point. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a healthy weight (obviously if a person was a skin and bones, not eating..etc that would be different). Any man that loves you and you love them back it shouldn't matter your size, they should be proud of you in your weight loss and proud to "show you off". It sounds like he could use some healthy sabotage himself. Wants cookies? Bake them but purre some veggies in there!
Keep us updated on the progress, everyone is here to support you!
Don't deal with it then. Stop trying to explain why you need to eat what you need. Just manage the situation rather than react to any baiting -- intentional or not.
On the snacks thing, say "Oh, thanks. That's was a nice thought. But let's not make clutter here on the counter... I'll put it in the special snack basket for later" and move it to a basket. When he next goes away, return it, take it to the trash, food bank, give it away, whatever.
He's tampered with the recipes often enough to where you can just not have him cook at your place. For instance, you make the breakfast, he washes up.
Or if he wants to help with food prep, and he messes up the waffle batter mix, buy Eggo toaster style then. Assign him toasting duty. Or have him pour the OJ or chop the fruit salad. Give him the simpler cooking tasks that aren't even possible to mess up shy of totally burning/spilling them!
Don't make food prep the battleground for whatever issues he's got. Counseling is where you try to work on issues. Whether it's fear of losing his eating buddy, fear of other men finding you attractive, the need to have control over you somehow -- whatever it is that is manifesting itself as food sabotage. Don't respond to the bait.
But do some soul searching too. You say this...
... which I think means mean breaking up? If you would break up if you were an adult couple, why does having a child change that? Married or not, you are still the parents and have parenting responsibilities.
I don't advocate throwing in the towel on a marriage for silly stuff, but if you truly feel you've given it your all and it isn't going to work... why stay on a sinking ship? It doesn't help you or child any.
I'm married to an adult child of divorce. He always says he saw it coming a mile away and wishes it had just happened sooner rather than trying to stay together "for the children's sake" and that someone had thought to ask his opinion.
Basically all the kids were just stuck for the ride and they had no control over anything. As the last child to grow up and move out all it meant for him is that he had to endure arguing/fighting way longer than his siblings did.
At least with a break up sooner rather than later, the stinky bits to divorce would still have been stinky but peace and quiet in the home would have come sooner.
Lyn...I am so sorry you have to deal with this. You husband has some serious issues. You've gotten some good advice.
My husband is generally supportive. His comment one time in the past was - to the effect - "I just don't know when you are really on a plan or not". This is a fair statement because over the years I've been 'on and off' many times. (Been together for 34 years) However, I told him that when I TELL him I am really trying to make healthy food changes he must respect it. A couple times he has brought in dark chocolate and other things I can't resist. I have taken liquid dish soap, in front of him, and said that it can't stay in the house and dumped the soap on it and put it in the trash.
He's a wonderful husband, I might add. I just need to let him know when I am serious. Last weekend he got some ice cream for his pie at Easter. He said to just throw the ice cream away after the company leaves. He's learning.
Please take care of yourself the best way you can. Keep your food separate and keep an eye on it.
Last edited by Beverlyjoy; 04-11-2010 at 01:55 PM.
I deal with some of those issues with my bf, not to such an extreme. I'm sure that it has to be really frustrating and upsetting to you. I do think even if you go to a therapist alone, it could help relieve some of the emotional pressure surrounding the situation and give you a good place to vent and generate helpful strategies to handle it. I think you hit the nail on the head with the idea that he's afraid of you leaving him, and that he's reacting (very badly) to an unspoken feeling of pressure to take care of his own weight.
I agree with everything others said. Your husband is doing out and out sabotage. That is a cruel thing to do to anyone who is trying to make a change. This is not just a vanity issue, it's a health issue as you pointed out to him. If the marriage counseling is not working, you would be better off without him, sorry to say. Support is one of the most important benefits of marriage.
Oh! The responses just made me remember something!
The first time (like 2 years ago) that I asked him to stop bringing chips and candy in the house, he got super defensive. Mad. He started telling me I was too controlling, and that he was an adult who gets to choose what he wants to eat, and I cannot control what he eats, and as long as he is the one paying to put food on the table, he will buy and eat whatever he wants. He was really defensive and upset. Of course I saw he has a point there, I told him I will not try to control what HE eats but please not to buy things for ME... or offer stuff to me... and to please keep his chips in "his" cabinet.
Aha... maybe this is a big part of it. I know in the past when I was NOT dieting but knew I needed to lose weight, I'd get super defensive and panicky about anyone that seemingly threatened my ability to get the foods I craved. Hmmmm...
Just a thought here. Perhaps he's not really "not attracted to skinny women", but maybe it's more that he's afraid that you'll get more attention as a skinny woman, and leave him.
I agree with CanadianCutie. From what you said, it sounds like this is what is going on.
I'm sorry.. but i dont think a person NEEDS assurance of those things, when you make it about ONLY him... or how he views you, in my mind he wins...3 and 4 on your list are really the only ones that matter or that should be announced that.. you are doing it for you and you will be healthier and happier and if he wants to join you support him.
Last edited by luciddepths; 04-12-2010 at 12:27 AM.
this is disturbing to me. first of all, it doesn't matter so much what and why and how he's doing it, the biggest issue right now is THAT he's doing it. i don't really care what his insecurities are.
my husband didn't care at all whether i was fat/skinny/in between but he did care about my happiness. he is sort of chubby and definitely eats crap constantly. when i started my diet and couldn't resist eating those things if i saw them, he would not tell me that he bought them and HIDE them in the house where i would never find them. he wasn't trying to be cruel, as i said he didn't care at all about my weight, but he knew how much harder everything would be for me if he didn't do it.
who cares what HE finds attractive? if you're married then your relationship should be past looks. he should care about how much the quality of your health/mental health/self esteem might change. if losing weight will help those things, which i think it does for almost everyone, then he should be supporting you. this is out and out control and manipulation.
also, if your choice would be made easy if you didn't have a child, seems like maybe you need to make the same choice you would in that situation. i can tell you first hand that staying with someone just because of a child isn't always best for the child. i was a child of a terrible divorce/abandonment and put up with tons of BS so that my kid could keep living with his dad. it's not worth it. children pick up on tension and other marital problems and if you're fighting, they certainly notice that. i decided that the best choice for my child AND myself was to not be in a situation where there were constant problems. i got married to someone else and so did he. he has my son 3 days a week, then 4 days a week, true 50/50 custody. i can tell you for SURE that my kid is a lot more stable and happy than he would've been if we'd stayed together. marriages don't fix themselves just because you have a kid together. i'm not trying to be rude or say "LEAVE HIM NOW!" because obviously i only know a small part of the story, but you sound like that's what you would do if you didn't have a child, and to me that's just not a great reason to stay!!
Last edited by juliastl27; 04-12-2010 at 12:31 AM.
There are other reasons why we are trying to make the marriage work, but I don't really want to get into all that. I do agree in some cases splitting up is best, but I am making the best choice for my family right now, and just trying to find a way to make this particular thing (food/weight) less of an issue.
I think creating separate food cabinets is a great idea.
I used to have this problem with my DH to a lesser degree... he was just trying to be nice so we set up this system.. His junk food goes on the top of the pantry where I don't even have to look at it and my 'treats' are above the vitamins. If he brings me something I don't want/can't have I put it in his cabinet. There's no fight about it... he understands why it's there. It works out nicely.
I am trying to piece together all these thoughts into a coherent conversation I plan to have with him when he gets here. So far I have:
1. Assure him I am not going to look for any other man.
2. Assure him I don't want to control what he eats, that he is welcome to buy and eat anything he likes.
3. Let him know how much healthier and happier and what a better mother I am with this lower weight.
4. Assure him that he does not need to feel pressured to lose weight WITH me, but if he decides to, I will support him.
And then, after a nice heart to heart, if he buys ME junk, I'll toss it. If he buys HIMSELF junk and leaves it out, I'll just move it to "his" cabinet. And if he messes with my food, it will be ultimatim time. I will not live with someone who is tampering with my food.
All great ideas, I was going to suggest the same things but you beat me to it. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already, I just wanted to to wish you the best, with your weight loss and your marriage- I admire you for truly giving your marriage a good chance rather than throwing in the towel! You're going through a rough time right now but you have the support of all these wonderful people on the board to turn to.
Last edited by bananapancakes; 04-12-2010 at 02:03 AM.
Thank you again. Funny how one can draw strength from others, but I do. I appreciate it a lot.
WarMaiden, I do think being on Medifast will simplify things. Before, with calorie counting he was always telling me "you can eat ice cream! Just have a half cup" or "This candy is only 190 calories!" Now it is simple. I am eating "these specific" foods and I make a nice healthy dinner which includes lean protein and lots of vegetables. If he starts offering me anything else I will just tell him NOT to offer me ANY foods unless they are plan fresh vegetables that I can make for dinner. Period.
I am a worrier, which doesn't help. In the past when I've been eating a lot of veggies, I'd make the nice healthy dinner (maybe chicken, 3 kinds of veggies, and the he'd ask me to make scalloped potatoes. Which is FINE, I am not bothered by that... I like to cook. BUT then I would tell him I am going to make an omelet with some of the veggies the next morning and I;d get up and he would be mixing ALL the leftover veggies with butter and eating them all. Leaving me none for breakfast, leaving the scalloped potatoes. Little things like that just complicate things so I will be making a ton of extra veggies and freezing portions so I always have them on hand. If he starts eating or messing with my Medifast food we are going to have a serious problem...
apostrophe, I understand what you're saying and I agree it is often best to split if things are bad regardless of kids, but every situation is different and we have some things going on that would make a divorce a very damaging situation for everyone right now, which is why we have been willing to do the counseling and living apart business. But you can be sure there is ZERO yelling, fighting, angry talk, arguing. None. We occasionally have a disagreement but it is not loud and it is *only* in private, so the children are not being subjected to that kind of insanity. I adore my kids and everything I do is hopefully for their benefit.
I think in a couple of years the situation will be a lot different but for now I just need to find a way to continue my eating plan and exercise without him getting in the way.... maybe he will be better about it this time around.
Please forgive me for being blunt, but...
This is some of the craziest **** I have ever read in my life. This is abusive, controlling behavior. This is not someone who wants what's best for you and your family.
I rarely come out with the whole "launch him" or "you go girl" stuff, but this is a situation that I only see getting worse. If you're not already, please please see a counselor. On your own, not with your husband.
