I had gained a lot of weight when I got pregnant with our son after being married for one year. Our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow. He tells me tonight he does not love me anymore. He is not attracted to me. He says he has been patient and our son is now 15 months old and I have not lost a single pound since he was 3 months old. I am so in love with him. I am having a hard time typing because I can't quit crying. My heart is broken. It wasn't a surprise. I've known for a while now my weight is an issue. It's mostly because of me. I don't let him touch me because I'm afraid he will get grossed out. I have horrible self-esteem right now. I do NOT want my marriage to fail. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
Thank you.
I think if your husband is telling you that he doesnt love you, it doesnt have anything to do with your weight. Just because someone is bigger than they were doesnt mean you stop loving them.
I understand that you are self concious about your weight right now, but if he WANTS to touch you.. then me MUST find you attractive despite what he says. He could be saying those things out of frustration, because men, have very fragile egos.
I really dont know what advice to give because I have never been married and I can only imagine how helpless and sad I would feel if that man that I am in love with ever said those things to me. Only thing I can say is.. have you been trying to lose weight? What types of things are you doing? Do you want to lose weight? You have to do it for yourself, or it will not work. Maybe you can develope a game plan on what you want for yourself and then let him know your plan? Im sorry.. I want to be more of a help but its a sticky situation.
First off Thank You. I think I have ignored the signs for too long. When he starts to pull away I will try a diet and when it doesn't work and he isn't pulling away I don't do anything about it. I want to lose weight for more reasons than losing my marriage. I want to feel better. I want to be able to play with my son. I want myself and my family to be proud of me. I know all that sounds healthy but why can't I do it? I have tried weight watchers, the idiot diet, atkins, biggest loser, starving. All could work if I made it. What is stopping me? I feel so whiney. I know exercise is a big part of it. I just gotta be like Nike and Just Do It!!!! But I don't...Why?!? I guess I just grew up like an ostrich. Head in the sand it will all go away. My families philosophy! Anyway, thanks for responding.
I have the ostrich complex too.. I have a very bad habit of just running from my problems and hoping that it was just "go away" I tell you what you do. Start out small. Say.. ok.. this month.. I will not drink any sodas and I will exercise 30 mins a day. You will lose weight just from those simple things alone. Thats where i started and it kinda had the snow ball effect. Unfortunately I knew nothing about boards like these, and I didnt discover it until about a year ago, I had to dig and dig and dig for my info but there is a TON here.. and it will get you well on your way. We will stroke your ego, pick you up when you fall, give you strength when you are weak, and we are always proud of ANYTHING you do that is a step in the right direction and of course occassionally there is tough love, but only when its needed. Give this board a chance and you WILL find it in you if it something you really want, but you have to find it in yourself. I believe that losing weight and working on your body is the most selfish, yet selfless thing you can do all at the same time. Just remember, YOU have to take care of YOU because no one else will!
First off Thank You. I think I have ignored the signs for too long. When he starts to pull away I will try a diet and when it doesn't work and he isn't pulling away I don't do anything about it. I want to lose weight for more reasons than losing my marriage. I want to feel better. I want to be able to play with my son. I want myself and my family to be proud of me. I know all that sounds healthy but why can't I do it? I have tried weight watchers, the idiot diet, atkins, biggest loser, starving. All could work if I made it. What is stopping me? I feel so whiney. I know exercise is a big part of it.
Best wishes to you in this tough time. As far as losing weight, it was kind of funny, I found it to be the easiest thing AND the hardest thing I have ever done.
It was easy for me because I concentrated on eating good foods and avoiding bad foods - good foods aren't a big mystery (fruit, vegetables, complex carbohydrates - like whole grain bread/pasta, low fat dairy, lean protein and healthy fat) and bad foods aren't a myster either (fatty meat, fast food, packaged baked goods, sugary soda, fried foods, sugary foods). It was a little more complicated than that, but the basic premise was very simple.
It was hard for me because you just can't eat healthy by accident. For me, it requires a ton of planning. I pick healthy recipes, I go to the grocery store at least 2 times a week, I plan meals for the week, I pack lunches, I look up restaurant food online before I go etc.
I dieted unsuccessfully for 20 years, sure I could lose weight, I could never keep it off. For me, diets were always short term unpleasant things that I wanted to be over as quickly as possible so I could go back to eating the foods I loved - pastries, muffins, venti caramel lattes, nachos, pizza. I had to really accept that my "normal" way of eating made me heavy and I had to give that up forever. I had to find healthy foods I liked just as much as the bad foods and I did! I love whole wheat toast with natural peanut butter, I love plain baked sweet potatoes, I love plain yogurt with sliced strawberries. I made it work because I liked what I was doing.
You know what? you gave him a gift! You gave him a child! That in itself is miraculous! Not that am phsyciually incapable of conceiving, but my husband is stuck with 4 cats, a pomeranian, and me, lol We are a nice bunch though Listen, you gave the gift of life, you gave a child! That is so beautiful!, it really is. So you gained a bit of weight in the process, so what? You will lose it. DO you realize what you have done? does he?
You know what I would do if i wer you? oh god, use it as fuel!!!!!!!! He says he is not attracted to you ha? Take evrery ounce of fiber inyour being and start working towards your goal, make him begggggggggggg after!, lol.
As for your saying you cannot and this and that, you cannnnnnnnnnnn! I urge you to come here and post, also, be very careful. I would not tell them of your plan quite yet, come here and post! as for anything else, your beautiful just the way you are! for YOU! dont you let anyone make you feel bad for anything else! Oh, how I want to see you dodge the weight and get into heels and make the guy begggggggggg after! lol. Someone in the post said its about you, and that is so true, do if for you but in the meantime use the rest for fuel if you can! DOn't ever forget your own self worth and self worth is not measured by the scale! As for myself, I can't say enough about this site or the people here! I found it just a short while ago and I truly beleive it is and was the catalyst for my healthy changes! Come here sweety, post and post, write! Again, be weary of telling the so called others in your life right now, only tell those you know are very supportive. My mom and husband are the only ones who know of my endeavors here, for a reason! Good luck , you CAN do it!
Hi there. I had to respond to this because of what you said about not wanting him to touch you. I feel the same way a lot with my husband. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why would he want to be with me when I look so awful? We really set ourselves up for this horrible self image. We can't all have fabulous bodies and look like movie stars. Even if I was thin I would still be the same height I am now, I can't change that. You feel unattractive and ugly and now your husband is buying into that as well. He may also be feeling that because you don't want him to touch you that you don't love him regardless of you saying it. Men equate sex with love, not all of them of course, but that is a huge factor for them. He is thinking that if you don't want to be intimate with him then you don't love him. He could be saying that you aren't attractive anymore in order to make himself feel better, he is feeling hurt because of your lack of interest in intimacy. there are plenty of overweight women that have fabulous sex lives, it should not be a factor in your marriage. I hope you are able to have an honest discussion with him about this issue and work things out. Best wishes!
I think you probably need some counseling. For yourself and for your marriage. I couldn't imagine how it would feel if my husband told me that he didn't want me to touch him. I'd feel distraught, hurt and rejected. Your weight does not equal who you are and you shouldn't feel bad about yourself due to your weight. Honestly, I couldn't lose a lb until I started to feel good about who I was and what I was doing.
I think a big thing to remember here, and you may need to speak with your DH about this. But when we don't feel good about ourselves, it's hard for others to feel good about us. I know when I feel sexy, attractive and dangerous, Matt responds the same way. When I feel fat, unattractive and wonder why anyone could want me, things can go bad. Most people like people who are confident about themselves, regardless of anything else. Do you project a sexy image? Not in clothes, hair or make-up, but do you let your husband know that you want him? That you still feel sexy and desirable after having a baby? Oftentimes, in my own experience, when men say they find their wives unattractive, they may isolate the weight as the reason, but it is often the wives own feelings they pick up on.
I'm not saying being fat and overweight and confident is the way to go. For some it is, but you don't sound happy about yourself right now. Before going off on a weightloss plan, think about hwat you really want. Long term. And not in regards to other people. Sure, we all want our marriages to work our kids to be happy, etc etc. But, what do YOU want long term for you. Do you want a life of health? Do you want to be able to play with your son? Do you want to learn how to sew? Maybe you've always dreamed of hiking a mountain or swimming laps easily or being in a 5k run. Think of things that will make YOU happy, then find a way to incorporate those into your life in a healthy manner. When you reach for a soda, make a concious decision to drink it or to make a healthier choice. Maybe, like I use to, sweet tea is a staple in your house. I would drink that all day, every day, without making a concious decision to drink it. It's just what I did. Same with my Dr. Pepper and Twix, it's just what I had as a snack. Now, I make sure I always think about what I put in my mouth and there's nothing in my house to knock me off plan. If I want a snack, I put thought into why I want it, and if I'm really hungray or if I'm thirsty.
Small goals. You don't have to lose 100 pounds in a week. More, you shouldn't, for health reasons. Make a decision, to simply eliminate one unhealthy item from your diet this week. Whether it's soda, or sweet tea, or cookies. Pick one and promise yourself you won't have any for a week. You don't swear stuff off forever, or call them "bad" because then we want it more. Then, next week, pick one more unhealthy item. As you eliminate the unhealthy, add a healthy. So, if you normally have a soda, have a glass of water or hot herbal tea instead. Toss out the bag of fun size snickers and bring home a bag of baby carrots. When you would normally eat the candy, eat a carrot. These are all small changes that add up to a huge benefit. In time, it becomes second nature and much less of a chore. You can do this, but you have to WANT to do this, not for your hubby or son, although the kid is a good reason and one many of us start with, but for most of us who are losing weight, over time and in a healthy manner and never want to have to lose weight again, it becomes for US. I am getting healthy to better MY life. Sure, it makes my kids lives better, absolutely it makes my relationship with Matt better, because I'm not so focused on what I can't do, but on what I CAN do. Good luck!
The question I would have is, "If you don't love me now, then will you love me if I lose weight?" A yes answer is pretty doggone shallow and would make me question what "love" means to him. A no answer--well, you can figure that one out. If the answer is "I don't know," then the next question is "Are you willing to support my efforts to lose weight?" Keep in mind that that may mean a change in his eating habits as well as yours, for example, if he's used to eating fast food, pizza, lots of fatty foods, and so on.
Good luck to you. I can only hope that he didn't mean it the way it came out.
Good, you've gotten some great feedback from the others. I just want to throw in my two cents. I've been exactly where you are in terms of how I feel about my body, and I still can't say that I'm 100% comfortable "letting it all hang out". I know that there are heavier women that me who have wonderful sex lives, but I have just never liked being looked at nekkid, because I feel like it would (have to) be a real turn-off to whomever is looking. My husband is a dear, sweet man who tolerates my "lights out" policy - and besides, we're older now, so I can get away with being "too tired" because he often is, too.
BUT, you are a young woman, and have many years ahead of you, whether they're spent with your present husband, or, surprise, surprise (!) someone else altogether (I remarried five years ago, and I've got to tell you that leaving my first husband, despite the fact that I REALLY didn't want to - I thought I loved him, madly, too - was the best, most positive thing I ever did.)
MY very best advice, Good, is to get some help - some counseling - some exercises to do - that will help you with your own body image. That's NUMBER ONE - even before losing the weight. Learn to love all the good things about yourself - your pretty smile, your nice hair, your sexy feet - and stop focusing on hiding and being ashamed of what you don't like.
Don't depend on your husband to approve - or disapprove - of you. That's not his job, trust me.
I like the post that said "make him beg" once you lose all the weight, but the truth of the matter is that you don't NEED him to beg; you need, simply, to stop feeling that you're inferior, that you don't meet his standards, that you're dependent on HIS wanting you in order to feel good about yourself.
Once you feel good about yourself, he'll want you, and so won't lots of others - whether you've reached your goal weight, and have the perfect body or not, and you know what? It won't even matter to you, because you won't be measuring your own self worth against somebody else's opinions.
This is a complex issue, and it's easy to slide into male-bashing. It's true, we all feel that if you love someone, you should love them unconditionally regardless of how their looks change. That's a lovely ideal, and it is reality a lot of the time. But sometimes it's not, and that doesn't make the other person shallow by default. I would definitely call myself a feminist, but I also know that men ARE wired differently. Yes, men are visually oriented, and yes, sex is a very necessary component of a loving relationship. So, he may be feeling that he's been dealt a double-whammy.
Now, that's not to say you should be intimate if you don't want to, or that you should lose weight for him. I would never in a million years suggest that. Just try to see it from his point of view to understand why he's said what he's said. Then, think about what you want your life to be. A healthy marriage with him, sure. You can't have a healthy marriage, though, unless you are healthy -- not only physically but mentally. So, if your goal is to be the healthiest you you can be, to stop being trapped by your unhealthy body and attitude, then you're on the right track. You've gotten caught in a downward spiral, and now you have to put forth some real effort to reverse it. It's hard. No one here will tell you it's easy. You have to sometimes do things you don't want to do, and not do things you want. But it can be done, I promise. There's a lot more I could say on the topic, but briefly, you have to engage in some positive, helpful self-talk, and turn off the negative scripts running in your head. The demons that tell you you can't lose weight, that it's OK to have a piece of cake, that you can't possibly be intimate with someone because you're not skinny all need to be told repeatedly to SHUT UP, and then answered with a positive response.
To close a long rambling post, I'd recommend these things:
First, pick up a copy of Thin For Life -- you can probably get a copy at the library. This book is the "bible" of the Maintainer's group. Pay particular attention to the chapter on positive self-talk.
Second, I second the idea of counseling. Joint counseling would be great, but if he doesn't want to go, go by yourself. A third part who can help you two talk to each other and articulate your inner dialog, as well as develop strategies for working things out, will be invaluable.
Third, talk to your doctor and make sure that everything's OK hormonally, etc. Even if you'd dropped the weight immediately, it is very common for a couple's sex life to change dramatically after the birth of a child, for both psychological and physiological reasons.
Finally ... I am NOT one to be self-referential, but you might want to take a look at a post I made about a year and a half ago. This thread addresses some of the body image topics relevant here. A Lesson in Body Image
Oh hunni Im so sorry, this is the last thing you need after having a baby!
I went through the same thing after my first son was born but it was slightly different in a way that my husband didnt say he didnt love me he just found himself a younger slimmer model. No dont panic this is not what is happening to you!! Im sure but he told me that because I was ill with post nantal depression and had gained weight etc that I wouldnt let him come near me or touch me or any of the above so he was lonely and felt unwanted blah blah.... bull he didnt care that I felt terrible sore misreable and fat. At the end of the day hunni you are still the same person you were when he first met you, but now you have someone else to run after and love and he is possibly a bit jealous of this! Men get to take the easy way out but I bet if he had to sit and think about it, he would nt feel that way for long.
You need some me time so you can get your head together and concentrate on yourself just for a bit at least. Have you spoken to your doctor? They maybe able to help, mine was an absoulute rock to me. Had he not been there I dont know what I would have done.
We are still together and have another wee boy, this happened 6 years ago now and let me tell you he is very very sorry for the way he treated me and so I remind him often that he is the lucky one not me hehe!
chin up hunni I hope you can get through this horrible time
Just a clarification here--in response to funniegrrl--desiring someone sexually and loving them are not the same thing in my book. Love has a lot of meanings and is more complex, although without the sexual component it's a different kind of love. If he meant he doesn't feel sexually attracted to you, that's one thing. If he really means he doesn't love you, then... well...
I don't think I said anything that's male bashing. It would work the same if the shoe were on the other foot... so to speak...
He could be confused about how he is feeling. Do look into couples counseling.
I didn't say anyone was male-bashing, I just wanted to point out that discussions like this can sometimes degenerate to this. I also didn't say that desire and love were the same thing. Of course you can love someone and not desire them. BUT, for men, sex is very important component of love, and taking that away when it had been there before can be detrimental to the point they believe the love is gone. Especially, as others have pointed out, he is feeling rejected and unloved himself. All of that to say the same thing you did ... his feelings are probably all roiled up and confused, and counseling would help him see what's going on in her head, and to sort out his own reactions.
My marriage is in trouble.
its going to be ok. 
We are a nice bunch though 
