I didn't have weight problems until my late 30s. At that time I was married to my second husband, an athletic type who rode his bicycle everywhere and had muscles like rocks. I was in great shape when we met and got married, but as our marriage started falling apart I went into a deep clinical depression and gained about 60 pounds. Although he never said it, I think he was repulsed. Our physical relationship came to an end. After I asked him for a divorce, I decided to do something for myself, so I started dieting and working out. He made a comment to the effect of "why didn't you do this when we were together..." I realized that my appearance was more important to him than anything else.
My current husband is a sweetheart. He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy no matter what my weight is, and it's gone up and down a couple of times in the 12 years we've been together. He's always attracted to me, and he loves me. I'm really lucky.
He wanted me to sign a pre-nup that I'd never weigh over 150 lbs. even while pregnant.
I'm in shock. I'm seriously in shock. How can you put something like that in a prenup? Particularly the "even while pregnant" part! What about the HEALTH of mom and baby? Wow. Guess that's pretty clear where his priority lies...*sigh* I'm sorry you had him treating you like that. That's SO not cool.
what always amazes me is how these men who criticize women don't seem to own mirrors so they can see themselves. All those Fred Flintstones thinking they are Greek gods... yeeesh.
You could have added to the prenup - and he never goes bald or gets a wrinkly butt or grey hair or has impotence issues. Do people not listen to the marriage vows?? that for better or worse part..that is not optional...
As a child, I got the message from dad, brothers, and mother that skinny and petite is the way to go, anything else is unacceptable. My height alone threw me from that camp! After I had a baby, I stayed fat until I learned that I wanted to do this for me, regardless of what the men in my family had to say about it.
I still expect most men to make negative comments and to not want to date me based on my size. I know on a logical level that this is not the case, but those early messages sank in so deep that it takes a while to reprogram.
Ladies, his idea of "never over 150 no matter what" is the main reason I left. Like I said, he was a jerk. Funny thing now is he is married and miserable and won't leave because she'd get half of his massive fortune. Basically, he wanted a "trophy wife". I don't think legally that he could have even put that in a pre-nup if he wanted, but I didn't stick around to find out. His current wife must not have signed a pre-nup eluding to weight cause she is now twice as big as I am. I really think he was just wanting to try to threaten me ahead of time that he'd divorce me if I gained weight and he wouldn't give me squat of his fortune. Hope is money keeps him warm at night cause him and his wife have separate bedrooms. LOL.
I think an often overlooked issue for women is the pandemic of physical and sexual abuse that we bear all over the world. When until is was in my teens I got unwanted attention from my mother's best friend's son, who had me call him Big Brother. Over year and a half I gained 50lbs, and even after he went to prison- I gained 70lbs more. Never giving it much thought, a matter of fact, none until I got in a sexual relationship as an adult- but I wanted to disappear behind my weight, and undue attention still makes me want to eat. So it is a struggle that has taken on a new twist as an adult woman trying to be healthy mentally and physically, it is a constant: "I'm doing this for myself- and no one else." and if I can't find the care to help myself, "I'm doing this for my girlfriend- and myself- No One ELSE." Tag teaming it gives me strength that I'm not on show for anyone's pleasure if I don't want to give it. ^-^
Thanks Jukie, that is sweet. I haven't seen him since I lost the weight. Our son did spend Christmas with him. The only thing he asked was "Is your mom still fat?". LOL. My skinny son said no she wears my clothes. Ha Ha.
BTW, he looks like he's a couple months past due on delivering a baby. LOL. I normally never wish weight problems on anyone , but a tiny little bit of me is glad that he is huge.
Reddalice, I was also sexually abused as a young child. I think it had a lot to do with me becoming over-weight to shield myself from the attention of men.
I don't think legally that he could have even put that in a pre-nup if he wanted, but I didn't stick around to find out. His current wife must not have signed a pre-nup eluding to weight cause she is now twice as big as I am.
I'll say! You had me there, lilybelle. I knew you wouldnt have signed something so absurd!!!! Even if it wasn;t possible, the idea of such a thing in concept is WRONG. I'd better make sure that I don't find any A******s that do such a sort!
SOme people are absolutely ridiculous.... That thing made me think the entire evening about everything! I'm small now, but if I had a baby and gained 20-30 lbs i'd be reaching in the 150 region and I seriously still wouldnt think of myself as being "fat". the nerve of someone to suggest such a thing!! I could never approve of such a man! Well... maybe the only thing he'd be good for is when I need to release some stress......
I've never really been in a relationship, and in some ways, I think that helped myself esteem. I never worried about what some part of my body looked like to someone else. The only person I worried about impressing was myself. I dress nicely so that I feel good. I work out so that I feel good. The first time I heard someone call me beautiful was when I was about 23. I never had any expectations for anyone to call me that, but I never thought I wasn't beautiful either. I just never relied on other people to tell me so. I never expected my parents to say it...it just wasn't something that we did.
I'm similar, Tara. I've been single, in the literal sense of the word, much more than I've been with some guy. I've eaten at restaurants by myself, travelled by myself, erected bookcases and hooked up computer, video and stereo equipment by mself...I'm used to it, it doesn't bother me, in fact I rather need it. In this aspect of life, I knew what I wanted and didn't want pretty much my whole life. I believe, generally speaking, people only have power over you that you've allowed them to have. I'm the one that has to live with myself 24/7 for my whole life so I'm the one I have to make happy first and foremost.
With my weight, I guess I've been luckier than some in that I haven't really had many people make rude comments to me so I'm not reacting to anything they say...I'm the one who feels self-conscious about it and the one who wishes she felt stronger physically. The only times weight got brought up in my family was at mealtime and not because of overeating but undereating...I'm Italian...Italians eat and they want you to eat and they tend to almost get insulted if you refuse, lol. They always think people are too skinny. I'm also the one who sees a fantastic outfit in a catalog and thinks, wow, I'd love to wear that if I had the body for it. Sure, it's a nice feeling when someone compliments me on how I look or what I'm wearing but I don't depend on it or expect it. When I feel like I'm hiding my body a little under certain kinds of clothes, it's more out of a sense of self-preservation than shame. I'm not crazy about the idea of it as a woman and the double standard of it, but I recognize it as a reality of the world and I keep it in mind.
It truly breaks my heart sometimes when I see or hear a woman feel so demoralized by someone else's opinion or behavior, particularly the man/men in her life, because I want to tell her she matters.
Last edited by trekkiegirl; 02-14-2007 at 07:56 PM.
Like many of us, growing up my brothers and classmates always called me names and terrorized me, however the most significant memory was far less malicious:
When I was 6 or 7 my dad would walk me and my older brother to school, we would hold his hand and he would squeeze my scrawny brother's hand and say "Boney hand" and then squeeze my hand and say "Meaty hand". I don't think he ever intended any harm. My dad has never in his life given me grief about my weight, he's actually been really supportive of my new health journey, but I think it will always stick in my head that I'm "meaty"
To me sometimes it seems to depend on the culture that the men are from as to how accepting they are of certain body types. Men of spanish-caribbean ethnicity (puerto rican/dominican) tend to prefer curvy types with some meat on the curves (hips, butt, thighs). In this culture being called thin is usually not a compliment. Though being flabby in the wrong places isnt good either. Most of my life I've been much smaller, but never the thin type so my ideal is to be toned but a bit curvy as I've always been and always will be. And I would say this comes from finding acceptance for my body type from those who prefer my type of shape (by way of background DH and many prior boyfriends are from the spanish-caribbean background though as you can see from the pic I'm a "blancita").
Wow! I'm SOOOO sorry to hear that so many of you have had such horrible experiences with boys and men regarding weight issues! It really makes me sad.
I guess I have been a real exception to the rule here, because I have never experienced any negative from males. (Females...well, THAT'S a whole other story!! )
Anyway, maybe it's because I tend to get along better with men and boys than I do girls and women. I played with boys when I was younger, met my future husband when I was just ten, and seemed to always have lab partners and best friends who were male. I now have two sons and live in a completely male household.
I've had LOTS of negative experiences with females regarding weight comments and directives from my mom throughout my life. The men in my life have never mentioned anything regarding weight.
I could never approve of such a man! Well... maybe the only thing he'd be good for is when I need to release some stress...... 
I'm also the one who sees a fantastic outfit in a catalog and thinks, wow, I'd love to wear that if I had the body for it. Sure, it's a nice feeling when someone compliments me on how I look or what I'm wearing but I don't depend on it or expect it. When I feel like I'm hiding my body a little under certain kinds of clothes, it's more out of a sense of self-preservation than shame. I'm not crazy about the idea of it as a woman and the double standard of it, but I recognize it as a reality of the world and I keep it in mind.
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