I had kind of a rough day yesterday. I went home from work early (still playing sick, of course). ComCast called to take a survey of our service so far (which, of course, they FAILED miserably!). The phone is on Jeff's desk, so I answered the phone and plopped down in his desk chair to talk. I must have hit his keyboard tray enough to move the mouse a little, so his computer monitors "woke up" (you know, from "sleeping"). There was an instant message on his screen from someone that just said "hey." No biggie. But as I was sitting there on the phone, I noticed the word "kissable" in that same screen. We use Trillian for our instant messaging, and it saves previous conversations in light gray text in the message window. Well, I wanted to know why my Jeff was talking about anything being "kissable" to someone else, so I did a bad thing--I read the message history from that window
Now, I'm sure you can tell that nothing good could come of this. And I assure you, none did. Well, apparently he has slept with this girl in the past, as there were messages from her talking about how she hasn't been with anyone since him and how good he was...fine. Whatever...just some old fling, right? But then there were messages about how they were supposed to get together, go to a movie or whatever. Then there was a message from her telling him she got home okay. It was dated 2005. The exact month and/or day is irrelevant--Jeff and I have been togther for OVER a year and a half, which means we have been together throughout ALL of 2005, so why was he seeing this girl with whom he had HAD and discussed sex with while he was dating me?! I was LIVID.
I cried and screamed to myself for a while, wandering around the apartment alone like a blubbering idiot. I thought about screaming at him when he came home and then driving to my sister's place in Va Beach. I thought about not saying anything to him about it at all--after all, I shouldn't have been reading what was on his computer. I thought about instant messaging him at work, but I decided that was an inappropriate topic with which to bother someone at work. I thought about a LOT of things.
I took a shower to kind of sober myself up from my blubbering state. I put on my pajamas and flopped on the couch pretending to watch tv (though I couldn't concentrate on it) until Jeff came home. He came in, took off his shoes, and started playing a game on his computer, as was normal. I walked over, and he gave me a hug (again, normal). I looked at him and said, "Can I ask you something?" He said yes, so I continued, "In the past year and a half, have you ever so much as even kissed another girl?"
He immediately said no and then asked why I was asking. I admitted to him the conversation I had read. He told me that yes, he had seen this other girl, but that it was like 2 and a half years ago. He said that not only has he not seen her since he met me, but that the last time he saw her was actually before the girlfriend he was with before me. I persisted--I said that the conversation was dated 2005. He shrugged and said that maybe the dates got messed up when he restored his computer (which he has had to do a few times). I said that was fine, that if he said nothing happened, nothing happened. Then I started to cry, just from all the stress and worry and fear and anger that had been bottled up before I asked him about it.
That should have been the end of it, right? I should have believed him and moved on. Then I asked him something else--when did the new Amityville movie come out? I knew we had seen it together, so I think it was maybe back in the spring. He remembered also that we had seen it together. He asked why I was wondering. Well, I noticed in one of his conversations with this girl when they were talking about getting together to see a movie that he said he wanted to see Amityville. He got angry for me not trusting him, and I got upset because more questions were flying through my head.
We proceeded to have an argument about how I was wrong in reading the conversation at all (which I admitted) and how that was an invasion of his privacy. I said, hey, you can read ANYTHING of mine, and I wouldn't care because I have nothing to hide! He made a few good points. He said, "Jill, if I were seeing someone else and talking about it online, do you think I'd be stupid enough to leave that conversation on my computer (especially since I used to use his computer all the time at his place when he was in the shower)?" Good point. Then, "I have never once cheated on any girlfriend I've ever had, and that is because I have never been married. If I want to have a relationship with someone else, then I break up with my current girlfriend." Another good point, since we certainly weren't yet living together at the time, and he could easily have broken up with me if he wanted.
I told him that I don't want to be "the jealous girlfriend," ya know? That's not me. And I never was until I saw something that made me question him. He stuck to the fact that the last time he saw this girl was over 2 years ago. He kept also saying that I was wrong in reading it. I said I could apologize for reading it, but I couldn't apologize for confronting him about it once I had and for having the questions I did. That's when I broke down.
I started crying and told him that I guess it all comes down to my own lack of self-confidence, that I didn't think he was having a relationship with another girl, but that there are a lot of girls much thinner and prettier than me out there, so why would he not try to hook up with someone for "a good time?" I reiterated that I shouldn't have questioned his honesty, but I also asked him if he at least understood where I was coming from and how it looked from my perspective. He said he did, and he held me as I cried and babbled about how I hear horror stories from other women about guys cheating on them because they're too fat. I told him about how women I talk to have very supportive boyfriends/husbands/mates, and yet I hardly ever discuss my weight issues with him. I said that my weight is one of the biggest issues in my life, and that I couldn't believe I hadn't ever really discussed it with him. He has told me in the past that it doesn't matter to him, but I couldn't help thinking that he was a normal guy and wanted some hot chick to bang, ya know? I told him that I was sorry for reading it, but that that would be a fear I would probably always have. He just kept hugging me and not saying anything, and I said, "This is the part where you tell me again that it doesn't matter to you." He did. Good boy
And so, it ended with me having a minor emotional breakdown. After that, we were okay. I agreed to trust him, and he stuck to the fact that he hadn't seen this girl in over 2 years. Is it wrong that I still have a little bit of doubt? I mean, the thing with the Amityville movie? I know I shouldn't bring it up again--I should just let it go. I need to trust him, and besides, that's all I have to go by is his word. I think it'll be on my mind for a while, but in time it will go away. In any case, he's living with me, not anyone else. He comes home to ME every night, and he sleeps in OUR bed.
I'm sorry to go on like this--I just needed to get it out. I don't really expect anyone to read this whole saga. Sorry for taking up so much space