The new Caitlin!
Hi all!
I'm new to this so I guess I will just start with a little bit about me! I recently just turned 25 in May and had topped out at my heaviest weight at 245. My boyfriend broke up with me back in March and I have decided to make a change and no not just to show him how hot I can look but to do it for me and me alone.
I've always battled body image issues (like every other woman in the world), mostly stemming from having an incredibly thin mother and an emotionally abusive 5 year relationship.
Growing up I was always a little chubby, nothing extreme but was always the larger out of my friends. My mom conversely is an extreme health nut and was always encouraging me to "exercise more and eat healthy". Granted she was never mean or nasty but ut defnintely begins to wear on you. I was always fairly active playing ice hockey year around I still continued to be the chubby one.
I've been an emotional eater for as long as I can remember and when I was diagnosed with epilepsy in 8th grade I came back from camp 30 lbs heavier just in time to start high school. For four years of high school my weight skyrocketed to 180 then down to 125 (my doctor told me I was too thin...I on the other hand was estatic) due to my seizure medication. I had a boyfriend and was on the varsity ice hockey team...but again I continued to feel as though I was always the chubby one of my friends.
Come the summer of my senior year of high school months before leaving for college in NY (I had gotten accepted in to a very competitive PT program) I met "him". I thought we were going to be together forever and so did he. After a semester at school in NY I transferred schools to be with him and left my dreams of being a PT in NY. Three years later the weight started to pile on. I was struggling in school and was living with difficult roommates. I also only was really hanging out with my boyfriend and his friends and really had no friends of my own to turn to. I was soon in a deep depression and after moving in with my boyfriend it spiraled out of control. I was out of control with my emotional eating and before I knew it I had gained 75 lbs in a year. He began to become emotionally abusive, calling me fat and telling me that my body disgusted him and he felt that he didn't want to be intimate. because of it. I had no where to go with only a few months of college so I stuck it out until graduation, broke up with him and moved out right after I finished my last final.
Like I said I have always thought of myself as the chubby one (even at times when I wasn't) but was always able to stick that in the corner and present myself as a confident person. Needless to say, I was a defeated person. I had never felt so badly about myself ever. Even my "friends" (I have since cut them out of my life...cutting excess fat both physically and in my personal life) told me that my crush at the time "only really likes thin girls" I proceeded to participate in a slew of failed relationships with all the wrong men, thinking that if I was in a relationship then I wasn't ugly. Finally after this last most recent relationship it finally hit me (25 years later) that the problem was me. I had no self confidence and no idea who I was and what I wanted out of life.
...so long story short, here I am. I've lost 15 lbs in about 2 months and have started slowly but surely rebuilding my self-confidence and finding out who I am. I am so happy to be here and thank any and all of you who provide support and help me through this journey.
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